Scene 14: Ray's Cameo
Cut back to BADMOVIE STUDIOS. Cut to Ass and Ex. Jen runs up to them.
Jen: Guys, just a quick question, who's the famous sport-star you've got for a cameo?
Ass: What?
Jen: You said in the interview you had a famous sports star to do a cameo. You've been advertising about it for about 10 months. Because I can recommend this guy.
She shows them a photo of a guy with curly hair and is tall.
Ass: Who is he?
Jen: Some basketball player.
Ass: Ok. Well he has to be better than that weightlifter we had planned, Sam Dannis.
Cut to Ex on the phone.
Ex on phone: Sorry Sam, but we found someone else. Someone better.
Sam: Yeah, well I'm going to tag your house tonight and rob a bank and hi- jack a plane and fly to Africa.
Ass: Sure you will.
Ass and Ex are outside. A car pulls up. The camera pans up a guy bouncing a basketball up to his head.
Ass: He's not that tall.
Ass is standing next to him.
Ex: Shut up. Hi I'm Ex Ecutive.
Ass: And I'm Ass.
Ex: As in hole.
Ass: Shut up.
Nathan: Hi. You recognize me, don't you? Ass: Ha ha, yep. (To Ex: Who's this guy again?)
Ex shrugs his shoulders.
Ex: And your name is?
Nathan: My name is Nathan Ruigrok.
Ass: Nathan Ruigrok ? Not really a movie-starrish name.
Nathan: A movie-star name. Ah, how about Gretchen, Kathryn, Michael, Greg, Jenny. No. How about Raymond? Everybody loves Raymond
Ex: Great your name's Ray.
Ray: Cool.
Ex: Right, we've got a very limited time so lets get straight into it. We want you to do some three pointers, some slam dunks and a few swishes.
Ray nods.
Ass: And possibly a three pointer, slam dunk swish.
They just stand there.
Ex: You want to practice?
Ray: Alright.
He picks up a basketball and shoots. It goes straight in the hoop. He then shoots many more times often throwing the ball in different directions or doing it with his eyes shut. Everytime he shoots, the ball goes straight into the hoop.
Ass: That's amazing.
Ex: Great, go get made up inside and then we can shoot the scene.
Cut to outside a door. Ass is there.
Ass: (Knocking) Come on Ray!
Ray: (Behind door) In a second.
Ass: Oh!
Ass walks in. We see Ray with curlers in his hair.
Ray: Damn curlers! (Noticing Ass) Aaargh! Aargh!
Ass: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Ray: Get out!
Ass quickly leaves. He has a terrified look on his face. Ex meets him.
Ex: Oi! We need Ray now.
Ass: You get him.
Ex: (Knocking) Ray come on.
Ray: Coming.
Ray comes out very short.
Ex: Ray, I didn't realize you were so short.
Ray: Oh crap! I forgot my shoes!
He comes out again nice and tall. Ex now looks terribly confused. Cut to them about to film a scene.
Ex: You'll shoot some hoops, meet Brendan and then be killed.
Ray: I thought I was a main part.
Ex: You're doing a cameo.
Ray: What's a cameo?
Ex leaves.
Ex to Ass: Maybe we should have kept Sam Dannis.
Sam: Too late for that now, I got a three picture deal with Steven Spielberg.
Ass: Of course you do.
Sam: Oh piss off. (Ass gives him the finger) Come on. I'll bash you up.
Ass punches him in the shoulder. Sam runs away crying for his mummy.
Ex: And action.
We see Ray shooting some balls. Of course everytime he shoots, he gets it straight int the ring. Brendan enters the scene.
Brendan: My god! It can't be! Ray! You're my hero!
Ray: Look of pride on face, thank you. Wanna shoot some hoops with me?
Brendan: Sure.
Ray: Pass the ball to Brendan. He shoots a swish.
Brendan: You're not supposed to say that.
Ray: Whoa great shot.
Brendan just looks annoyed.
Brendan: Wow, it's so great to have met you.
Brendan runs off. The killer comes on.
Ray: Oh no. Start running.
The killer swipes at him. He ducks but he gets one of his curls. The curl falls slowly into his hand.
Ray: Ahhh!
He charges for the killer and knocks him over. He starts punching him. He picks up the knife and holds it up.
Ass: Whoa, Ray calm down. It's one curl.
Ray kicks him and walks off.
Ex: Ray, you can go have a rest to calm down.
Ray goes inside. The killer's is in front of him. Just as Ray starts to go up the stairs the killer turns the corner. In a bedroom we see a closet door open. The killer is in there. Ray hops into the bed and closes his eyes. Fade to black. We fade back close on Ray's face. He wakes up with a start. He feels a basketball on his head.
Ray: What the hell?
He moves up. A curl falls off his head.
Ray: No.
He starts pulling his hair. Many curls come out.
Ray: Oh no. Oh no!
He creeps to the closet. Grabs a beanie and puts it on. The killer appears behind the closet door. Ray screams and shoves the door into the killer. He runs to some stairs, trips and falls quite violently down them. He gets up, a bit sore. He runs outside. The killer falls down the stairs and quickly follows him. Ray hides behind a wall. The killer runs past looking for him.
Ray: Phew.
A ball comes flying at him and just misses his head. Ray runs straight into the killer. The killer grabs him.
Killer: Ha, ha foul!
The killer stabs him in the gut. We cut to Brendan in the bathroom. He is trying to pee. We hear clumps of metal and a relieved look on his face. He is pissing out razor blades. He flushes and steps outside. A huge man is out there. His name is John. The big man holds out his hand. Brendan looks at it. The big man suddenly grab's Brendan's crotch. Brendan's is whimpering and looking very hurt. After a while the man lets go.
Brendan: (High-pitched) What was that for?
John: Your urine infection is gone now boy. Oh, and one of your testicles too.
Brendan looks surprised.
Brendan: Who are you?
John: I'm John Nescafe like the drink but spelled different.
Brendan: What are you?
John: I'll show you. Take my hand boy.
Brendan: But I don't know where it's been.
John: Take it.
He takes his hand he shakes as if in a electric shock he looks like he's in pain. John lets go and shows him his hand. He has an electric buzzer in it.
John: An electric buzzer.
Brendan: Ho, ho.
John: Just a little trick. Oh, oh.
Brendan: Are you okay?
John: Just all the pain and suffering. Ahh!
Black dust spurts out of his mouth for quite a while. We see Brendan's face covered with the black, sticky stuff. He wipes his eyes clean.
Cut back to BADMOVIE STUDIOS. Cut to Ass and Ex. Jen runs up to them.
Jen: Guys, just a quick question, who's the famous sport-star you've got for a cameo?
Ass: What?
Jen: You said in the interview you had a famous sports star to do a cameo. You've been advertising about it for about 10 months. Because I can recommend this guy.
She shows them a photo of a guy with curly hair and is tall.
Ass: Who is he?
Jen: Some basketball player.
Ass: Ok. Well he has to be better than that weightlifter we had planned, Sam Dannis.
Cut to Ex on the phone.
Ex on phone: Sorry Sam, but we found someone else. Someone better.
Sam: Yeah, well I'm going to tag your house tonight and rob a bank and hi- jack a plane and fly to Africa.
Ass: Sure you will.
Ass and Ex are outside. A car pulls up. The camera pans up a guy bouncing a basketball up to his head.
Ass: He's not that tall.
Ass is standing next to him.
Ex: Shut up. Hi I'm Ex Ecutive.
Ass: And I'm Ass.
Ex: As in hole.
Ass: Shut up.
Nathan: Hi. You recognize me, don't you? Ass: Ha ha, yep. (To Ex: Who's this guy again?)
Ex shrugs his shoulders.
Ex: And your name is?
Nathan: My name is Nathan Ruigrok.
Ass: Nathan Ruigrok ? Not really a movie-starrish name.
Nathan: A movie-star name. Ah, how about Gretchen, Kathryn, Michael, Greg, Jenny. No. How about Raymond? Everybody loves Raymond
Ex: Great your name's Ray.
Ray: Cool.
Ex: Right, we've got a very limited time so lets get straight into it. We want you to do some three pointers, some slam dunks and a few swishes.
Ray nods.
Ass: And possibly a three pointer, slam dunk swish.
They just stand there.
Ex: You want to practice?
Ray: Alright.
He picks up a basketball and shoots. It goes straight in the hoop. He then shoots many more times often throwing the ball in different directions or doing it with his eyes shut. Everytime he shoots, the ball goes straight into the hoop.
Ass: That's amazing.
Ex: Great, go get made up inside and then we can shoot the scene.
Cut to outside a door. Ass is there.
Ass: (Knocking) Come on Ray!
Ray: (Behind door) In a second.
Ass: Oh!
Ass walks in. We see Ray with curlers in his hair.
Ray: Damn curlers! (Noticing Ass) Aaargh! Aargh!
Ass: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Ray: Get out!
Ass quickly leaves. He has a terrified look on his face. Ex meets him.
Ex: Oi! We need Ray now.
Ass: You get him.
Ex: (Knocking) Ray come on.
Ray: Coming.
Ray comes out very short.
Ex: Ray, I didn't realize you were so short.
Ray: Oh crap! I forgot my shoes!
He comes out again nice and tall. Ex now looks terribly confused. Cut to them about to film a scene.
Ex: You'll shoot some hoops, meet Brendan and then be killed.
Ray: I thought I was a main part.
Ex: You're doing a cameo.
Ray: What's a cameo?
Ex leaves.
Ex to Ass: Maybe we should have kept Sam Dannis.
Sam: Too late for that now, I got a three picture deal with Steven Spielberg.
Ass: Of course you do.
Sam: Oh piss off. (Ass gives him the finger) Come on. I'll bash you up.
Ass punches him in the shoulder. Sam runs away crying for his mummy.
Ex: And action.
We see Ray shooting some balls. Of course everytime he shoots, he gets it straight int the ring. Brendan enters the scene.
Brendan: My god! It can't be! Ray! You're my hero!
Ray: Look of pride on face, thank you. Wanna shoot some hoops with me?
Brendan: Sure.
Ray: Pass the ball to Brendan. He shoots a swish.
Brendan: You're not supposed to say that.
Ray: Whoa great shot.
Brendan just looks annoyed.
Brendan: Wow, it's so great to have met you.
Brendan runs off. The killer comes on.
Ray: Oh no. Start running.
The killer swipes at him. He ducks but he gets one of his curls. The curl falls slowly into his hand.
Ray: Ahhh!
He charges for the killer and knocks him over. He starts punching him. He picks up the knife and holds it up.
Ass: Whoa, Ray calm down. It's one curl.
Ray kicks him and walks off.
Ex: Ray, you can go have a rest to calm down.
Ray goes inside. The killer's is in front of him. Just as Ray starts to go up the stairs the killer turns the corner. In a bedroom we see a closet door open. The killer is in there. Ray hops into the bed and closes his eyes. Fade to black. We fade back close on Ray's face. He wakes up with a start. He feels a basketball on his head.
Ray: What the hell?
He moves up. A curl falls off his head.
Ray: No.
He starts pulling his hair. Many curls come out.
Ray: Oh no. Oh no!
He creeps to the closet. Grabs a beanie and puts it on. The killer appears behind the closet door. Ray screams and shoves the door into the killer. He runs to some stairs, trips and falls quite violently down them. He gets up, a bit sore. He runs outside. The killer falls down the stairs and quickly follows him. Ray hides behind a wall. The killer runs past looking for him.
Ray: Phew.
A ball comes flying at him and just misses his head. Ray runs straight into the killer. The killer grabs him.
Killer: Ha, ha foul!
The killer stabs him in the gut. We cut to Brendan in the bathroom. He is trying to pee. We hear clumps of metal and a relieved look on his face. He is pissing out razor blades. He flushes and steps outside. A huge man is out there. His name is John. The big man holds out his hand. Brendan looks at it. The big man suddenly grab's Brendan's crotch. Brendan's is whimpering and looking very hurt. After a while the man lets go.
Brendan: (High-pitched) What was that for?
John: Your urine infection is gone now boy. Oh, and one of your testicles too.
Brendan looks surprised.
Brendan: Who are you?
John: I'm John Nescafe like the drink but spelled different.
Brendan: What are you?
John: I'll show you. Take my hand boy.
Brendan: But I don't know where it's been.
John: Take it.
He takes his hand he shakes as if in a electric shock he looks like he's in pain. John lets go and shows him his hand. He has an electric buzzer in it.
John: An electric buzzer.
Brendan: Ho, ho.
John: Just a little trick. Oh, oh.
Brendan: Are you okay?
John: Just all the pain and suffering. Ahh!
Black dust spurts out of his mouth for quite a while. We see Brendan's face covered with the black, sticky stuff. He wipes his eyes clean.