Scene 17: Bye, bye Lanny.
Cut back to Halloweenie House. Lannibal is alone in the TV room.
TV: Coming up next on the adults only channel "The Boner Collector" the story of.
The doorbell rings. Lannibal stands up and goes to the door.
Lannibal: Who is it?
Census Taker: Census taker. Lannibal opens the door to reveal a teen with a changing voice.
Lannibal: Hello.
Census taker: Are you Mr. Jordan Lair?
Lannibal: No he's in the shower.
Census taker: Oh. You staying here the night too I take it?
Lannibal: Yeah.
Census taker: Then I'd better take your census too.
Lannibal: Sure, Census Taker, come in.
The boy comes in and sits down.
Lannibal: Would you like a cup of tea?
Census taker: Yes thank you.
Lannibal goes into the kitchen and boils some water.
Census taker: Name?
Lannibal: Lannibal Hector, Sir Lannibal Hector. Do you take your tea with sugar?
CT: Yes, one spoon please.
We see Lannibal put a spoon of sugar in. He then grabs a drop bottle and puts a drop of some other drug in.
Lannibal: I hope you like it hot.
He brings the tea over.
CT: Thank you.
CT takes a sip of his tea. He looks at the tea oddly.
CT: What did you put in this?
Lannibal: What do you mean?
CT: This tea, it tastes strange.
Lannibal: Oh. Does it?
CT looks down. CT: Oh dear. Ah, I.
Lannibal: What's wrong?
The table moves up. Lannibal comes next to him and looks down.
Lannibal: Oh god.
We see a large erection in the census taker's pants. Lannibal goes back to the kitchen.
Lannibal: What the hell?
He looks at the bottle. It reads: Liquid Viagra.
Lannibal: Oh, wrong bottle, crap! Oh I'm so sorry, I gave you the wrong tea, let me make you a fresh cup.
Lannibal pours the tea out and makes a fresh cup. He puts the other bottle in this one.
Lannibal: That was I-ah special herbal tea. If you see blue, feel dizzy, wake up dead tomorrow, don't worry they're just side-effects of the tea.
CT: Oh thanks.
He sips the other tea.
Lannibal: Don't you like it?
CT: No, it's fine.
Lannibal: Then drink some more. (He finishes the tea)
Lannibal: Oh! Why isn't it working? Screw it!
Lannibal grabs a cloth from the kitchen, puts the drugs on it and grabs the census taker violently and covers his face with the cloth with drugs on it. Fade to black. Cut back to the census taker tied to a chair at the table.
Lannibal: Hello. How are you feeling?
The CT is now very sweaty and tied up in the chair.
CT: What have you done to me?
Lannibal: Drugged you up. Why? Is that going to be on the census too?
CT: What are you going to do?
Lannibal: Something fun. I'm going to peel back your scalp, cut out a bit of your brain, fry it and feed it to you while you're still alive. CT: Won't that boost this movie up to an R rating?
Lannibal: (Breaking character) Oh yeah, I didn't think of that. Ok. Plan B.
He gets a smaller knife, pulls his pant leg up and cuts out a chunk of flesh.
Lannibal: Open wide.
CT opens wide and Lannibal puts the chunk of flesh in his mouth.
CT: Mmm! That is great! Can I have some more?
Lannibal feeds him another piece.
CT: Mmmm. That is delicious!
Lannibal keeps feeding him.
CT: You are the best cook. Oh man that's good.
Lannibal: Enough, I can't feed you anymore.
CT: Can I take some home?
Lannibal gets a paper bag and puts some leg in it.
Lannibal: There, go home.
CT: Thanks for the meal.
The CT leaves. Jordan comes down the stairs.
Jordan: Who was that?
Lannibal: Some census taker.
Jordan: And who's that?
The killer is standing in the hallway.
Lannibal: Ahh!
He and Jordan run upstairs into an old bedroom. They look downstairs. The killer has gone. Lannibal squats next to the open window but there is a fly screen.
Lannibal: What are we going to do?
Jordan: Ssshh!
Jordan looks at the door. Suddenly a knife comes through the flywire and just misses Lannibal's head. This happens a few times but it always misses. Lannibal doesn't even notice. He gets up.
Lannibal: It's so cold in here.
He closes the window, squashing the killer's arm. The killer screams. Lannibal and Jordan look around in surprise wondering where the noise came from.
Jordan: Where is he?
Lannibal looks out. He looks at Jordan and shrugs his shoulders.
Lannibal: I don't know.
They both slowly move downstairs. Lannibal reaches the front door.
Lannibal: He's gone.
The killer appears behind Lannibal. Jordan's eyes open wide. Lannibal turns around very slowly. He is facing the killer. Suddenly the killer stabs him in the gut.
Lannibal: Oh. Shit!
The killer stabs him again and lifts him up. Lannibal is coughing up lots of blood. We see Jordan with a bucket trying to catch it all. The bucket is half full. Lannibal dies and the killer chucks him onto Jordan. Jordan gets up. The killer is gone.
Jordan: Lannibal, Lannibal.
He slaps Lannibal.
Lannibal: Jordan.
Jordan: Yes.
Lannibal: Eat me.
Jordan: What?
Lannibal: Eat me. raw.
Jordan: I don't know.
Lannibal: Eat me man, I'm nice and tender.
Jordan: Ah.
Lannibal: Don't make me go to waste. Do it for Lanny.
Jordan looks up.
Lannibal: Do it for Lanny, do it for Lanny, do it for Lanny, etc.
Turns out Lannibal is still saying it.
Jordan: Shut up.
He elbows Lannibal in the face. He is now dead. He notices a note and pulls it out of Lannibal's pocket. It reads: MIDNIGHT. We see a clock reads 11:40 or 23:40.
Jordan: Midnight what am I meant to do till then?
Voice over on TV: And just starting "The Boner Collector".
Jordan: Ooo!
Cut back to Halloweenie House. Lannibal is alone in the TV room.
TV: Coming up next on the adults only channel "The Boner Collector" the story of.
The doorbell rings. Lannibal stands up and goes to the door.
Lannibal: Who is it?
Census Taker: Census taker. Lannibal opens the door to reveal a teen with a changing voice.
Lannibal: Hello.
Census taker: Are you Mr. Jordan Lair?
Lannibal: No he's in the shower.
Census taker: Oh. You staying here the night too I take it?
Lannibal: Yeah.
Census taker: Then I'd better take your census too.
Lannibal: Sure, Census Taker, come in.
The boy comes in and sits down.
Lannibal: Would you like a cup of tea?
Census taker: Yes thank you.
Lannibal goes into the kitchen and boils some water.
Census taker: Name?
Lannibal: Lannibal Hector, Sir Lannibal Hector. Do you take your tea with sugar?
CT: Yes, one spoon please.
We see Lannibal put a spoon of sugar in. He then grabs a drop bottle and puts a drop of some other drug in.
Lannibal: I hope you like it hot.
He brings the tea over.
CT: Thank you.
CT takes a sip of his tea. He looks at the tea oddly.
CT: What did you put in this?
Lannibal: What do you mean?
CT: This tea, it tastes strange.
Lannibal: Oh. Does it?
CT looks down. CT: Oh dear. Ah, I.
Lannibal: What's wrong?
The table moves up. Lannibal comes next to him and looks down.
Lannibal: Oh god.
We see a large erection in the census taker's pants. Lannibal goes back to the kitchen.
Lannibal: What the hell?
He looks at the bottle. It reads: Liquid Viagra.
Lannibal: Oh, wrong bottle, crap! Oh I'm so sorry, I gave you the wrong tea, let me make you a fresh cup.
Lannibal pours the tea out and makes a fresh cup. He puts the other bottle in this one.
Lannibal: That was I-ah special herbal tea. If you see blue, feel dizzy, wake up dead tomorrow, don't worry they're just side-effects of the tea.
CT: Oh thanks.
He sips the other tea.
Lannibal: Don't you like it?
CT: No, it's fine.
Lannibal: Then drink some more. (He finishes the tea)
Lannibal: Oh! Why isn't it working? Screw it!
Lannibal grabs a cloth from the kitchen, puts the drugs on it and grabs the census taker violently and covers his face with the cloth with drugs on it. Fade to black. Cut back to the census taker tied to a chair at the table.
Lannibal: Hello. How are you feeling?
The CT is now very sweaty and tied up in the chair.
CT: What have you done to me?
Lannibal: Drugged you up. Why? Is that going to be on the census too?
CT: What are you going to do?
Lannibal: Something fun. I'm going to peel back your scalp, cut out a bit of your brain, fry it and feed it to you while you're still alive. CT: Won't that boost this movie up to an R rating?
Lannibal: (Breaking character) Oh yeah, I didn't think of that. Ok. Plan B.
He gets a smaller knife, pulls his pant leg up and cuts out a chunk of flesh.
Lannibal: Open wide.
CT opens wide and Lannibal puts the chunk of flesh in his mouth.
CT: Mmm! That is great! Can I have some more?
Lannibal feeds him another piece.
CT: Mmmm. That is delicious!
Lannibal keeps feeding him.
CT: You are the best cook. Oh man that's good.
Lannibal: Enough, I can't feed you anymore.
CT: Can I take some home?
Lannibal gets a paper bag and puts some leg in it.
Lannibal: There, go home.
CT: Thanks for the meal.
The CT leaves. Jordan comes down the stairs.
Jordan: Who was that?
Lannibal: Some census taker.
Jordan: And who's that?
The killer is standing in the hallway.
Lannibal: Ahh!
He and Jordan run upstairs into an old bedroom. They look downstairs. The killer has gone. Lannibal squats next to the open window but there is a fly screen.
Lannibal: What are we going to do?
Jordan: Ssshh!
Jordan looks at the door. Suddenly a knife comes through the flywire and just misses Lannibal's head. This happens a few times but it always misses. Lannibal doesn't even notice. He gets up.
Lannibal: It's so cold in here.
He closes the window, squashing the killer's arm. The killer screams. Lannibal and Jordan look around in surprise wondering where the noise came from.
Jordan: Where is he?
Lannibal looks out. He looks at Jordan and shrugs his shoulders.
Lannibal: I don't know.
They both slowly move downstairs. Lannibal reaches the front door.
Lannibal: He's gone.
The killer appears behind Lannibal. Jordan's eyes open wide. Lannibal turns around very slowly. He is facing the killer. Suddenly the killer stabs him in the gut.
Lannibal: Oh. Shit!
The killer stabs him again and lifts him up. Lannibal is coughing up lots of blood. We see Jordan with a bucket trying to catch it all. The bucket is half full. Lannibal dies and the killer chucks him onto Jordan. Jordan gets up. The killer is gone.
Jordan: Lannibal, Lannibal.
He slaps Lannibal.
Lannibal: Jordan.
Jordan: Yes.
Lannibal: Eat me.
Jordan: What?
Lannibal: Eat me. raw.
Jordan: I don't know.
Lannibal: Eat me man, I'm nice and tender.
Jordan: Ah.
Lannibal: Don't make me go to waste. Do it for Lanny.
Jordan looks up.
Lannibal: Do it for Lanny, do it for Lanny, do it for Lanny, etc.
Turns out Lannibal is still saying it.
Jordan: Shut up.
He elbows Lannibal in the face. He is now dead. He notices a note and pulls it out of Lannibal's pocket. It reads: MIDNIGHT. We see a clock reads 11:40 or 23:40.
Jordan: Midnight what am I meant to do till then?
Voice over on TV: And just starting "The Boner Collector".
Jordan: Ooo!