Elevator Ride
Sequel To Wrong
Hey people. I just felt I had to do this fic. I kind of like the way "Wrong" left everything unresolved but I thought I couldn't just leave Smiley hanging like that so here's the product. Hope you enjoy. J
Many thanks to Lanie-chan who beta-read this for me!
P.S: Gomen to all the people waiting (*cough*) for the next chapter of The Art Of Seduction By Mitsui Hisashi. I promise I'll get it up by the end of this week!
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An elevator ride.
It may be a stupid way to describe it but that's how I felt, like I was in an elevator.
They way it seems like your soul is yanked out of your body before your slammed back into it feeling light-headed. That slight fear that you would drop. Also the excitement as you go up, up, up.
Exactly the way I felt about him, about us.
Of course, there never really was an "us".
He had just been pretending, that's all.
He had been lying when he said he loved me, that's all.
He had never had any real feelings for me, that's all.
My happiness had just been robbed and butchered, that's all.
I had never been loved at all, yes, that's all.
At first, it was lust; utter lust for that tall, toned, sculpted body of his. I had wanted to touch him, feel him, caress him. I wanted to make him feel me and want me just like I wanted him.
But he had been hurt, so I waited. I stood by him and I waited for him to move on, which I, the fool that I was, believed he had.
I had believed it because I had wanted to believe it.
It wasn't just lust anymore, I had fallen in love with him.
I didn't want to, it just happened.
My emotions blinded me. I wanted so badly to believe that he loved me too. That those beautiful brown eyes really were mine. That the hands that touched me lightly while we made love really wanted me.
All I wanted was somebody who loved me.
But in life, you never get what you want.
"Akira-kun, I…"
"I… don't think…"
He kept stammering and stopping his sentences midway. I watched him eagerly, I had seen it coming.
"I'm sorry."
He held it out to me, like it was a piece of unwanted garbage.
What I thought was a symbol of our undying love, to him, was only a piece of rubbish.
I knew the answer but I still had to ask, "Why?"
He didn't answer. Well of course he didn't answer.
"It's because he came back, isn't it?"
Shocked silence.
Did he think I was blind? Did he really think I was that stupid?
Well, maybe I was, allowing myself to fall in love with him. Stupid maybe, but certainly not blind.
Didn't he think I would notice the way he kept glancing at the picture he hid under his bed.
I had always known he had it, I had just refused to admit what it really meant.
I was bitter.
"That's just wonderful then. Isn't this a happy occasion… Isn't everything just fucking splendid. Look at that, the only person that I happen to trust has just decided he's better off without me," I wanted to scream at him.
All that came out was, "Oh."
I couldn't breath very well with the tears running down my face, much less say anything.
I wanted to run then, just run away from him and his lies.
I had just lost everything.
There was nothing left to say, words had no meaning in a bleak universe.
And even if I had been civil with him, even if through all my tears I had said in a sweet caring voice, "please don't leave" would it have made a difference? Of course not.
What we had between us had been ripped apart. It had been taken apart and run through a paper shredder a few hundred million times.
I really should stop using the term "us".
I have to make an effort to remember that the "us" I keep referring to never existed.
And even if he had stayed, things would never have been the same.
There would have been no illusion to live by, there would be nothing to pretend about.
All we would have had were the same shredded bits and pieces, and a fat lot of good that would have done us.
But, I admit it, I still wanted him to stay. I wanted to hold him forever, even if he would never love me again. I wanted to love him… not to let anyone else touch him the way I touched him. He may not have loved me but I don't care, I'm too selfish too care.
So I let him go.
What more did you expect me to do?
It's so ironic. I'm feeling exactly the way he felt about Rukawa and I understand exactly what he went through. I'm a hypocrite. I want him to come back to me but I don't want him to go back to Rukawa when I know that's the only way he could be happy, just like him coming back to me would be the only way for me to even be marginally all right.
Just because you understand something never meant you accepted it.
It doesn't make it hurt less.
"Akira, you can't just keep sitting here! You have to get over it."
I looked at him. I blinked. Did he have a point?
"Akira, please."
Hah, never thought I would live to see the day Koshino said please.
"Akira, you have to GET OVER THAT… THAT…"
He was struggling to find a word other than bastard.
"THAT…" he sighed. "…bastard."
Guess he gave up on finding a different word. I don't think there's any other word that could describe him as well anyway.
"Hiroaki-san. What do you want me to do? You want me to go sit down, smile and suck on a fucking lemon?" I answered without any trace of anger. Well, more like without any trace of emotion. I was too tired too put emotion into my words anymore.
More profanity. I never knew he could provoke me into using it. Hah, another part of myself that only exists because Sakuragi Hanamichi. Wonderful. Just lovely.
Really, it's funny. I'm sitting here, staring at the wall.
So insanely funny.
And you want to know something even more funny?
I'm still in love with him.
I can't move on.
Isn't that just so very funny?
I'm like a stupid puppy dog, still trotting along side his master after being severely beaten.
At least with a puppy you can say it doesn't know any better. It's an animal after all, it doesn't really think.
But what about me? What excuse do I have?
I'm so… pathetic.
"Akira, don't say that!"
"It's true."
"No, it's not, I love you! You hear that, I love you, dammit!"
Koshino, Koshino… don't say that.
You don't love me, and you can't love me. You can't be as stupid as I was.
You see, I believed he loved me. But he didn't.
And I love him.
So I could never love you.
"Oh," was all I said.
You were perhaps, expecting me to answer the same thing. I'm sorry Koshino. I care too much to deceive you like he deceived me.
And please, don't cry.
I can't love you because I love him.
It's really as simple as that.
I took the elevator, the express way up. And when I reached the top, he cut the cable.
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Now, to clear up the confusion, since many people thought I have suddenly killed off Sendoh, I didn't! Although I wouldn't mind… *ducks from lemons being thrown by Sen fans* Ehem. Anyway, the last line, "I took the elevator, the express way up. And when I reached the top, he cut the cabel" does not meant, I repeat, does not mean Sen was killed. I meant it figuratively you know. Look at it like this, the elevator was Sen's love (god, that sounds corny) for Hana but Hana so conveniently murdered (I use the term loosely) it, not Sen. That was what I meant by cut the cable, he cut off their love not a real elevator. ^_^;
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