Waiting
I asked Carly once how she did it. How she sat at home at night waiting for Sonny to come back. She looked at me as if I had just asked her what was the meaning of life. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and for a moment, I thought sadness in her eyes.
"You just do it," she said.
And that was how my life had been for nearly six months now. Asking questions that had no answers.
*
SIX MONTHS AGO
Jason opened the door to his penthouse for me as I walked in with my bags. He took the items from me and went to the bedroom. I went to the window and looked out to see the sun setting.
"Are you okay?"
I turned to see Jason watching me. I smiled and nodded.
"Are you hungry or anything?" he asked.
"I'm fine, thanks." I moved towards him, tempted to reach out for him, but instead, I sat down on the couch. "Can we go to the kennel tomorrow to pick up Rosie?"
"Sure." He was still watching me.
"Jason?"
He joined me on the couch.
"Am I safe?" I asked. I thought of my ex-husband. A man I thought I had loved. A man who had terrorized me.
"You're safe," he said softly.
"Because you're here?"
"Because you're strong and you're a fighter."
And this time, I did reach for him. I wrapped my arms around him and he did the same to me. And I felt safe.
*
I slept in his bed now. Most nights were together, in each other's arms, holding one another until morning. But there were nights where I went to bed alone. In the morning, he might be on the couch, or he would be next to me in bed, or he might not even be home. The first night alone, I imagined all the scenarios in my head: What if he got shot? What if he got badly beaten? What if he got arrested? What if he couldn't make it back home, back to me?
*
Tonight I went to bed alone. I wondered what Carly was doing across the hall. Did she stay up for Sonny? Did she lie awake in bed until she heard the door open? I wrapped the blanket around myself and tried to ignore the questions, erase the images. I thought of what Jason had told me when I had moved in. "You're strong and you're a fighter."
"So are you," I said out loud.
It calmed me down. I closed my eyes and amazingly, I quickly fell asleep.
*
I heard him get into bed with me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw him watching me. "Hey." He caressed my cheek and stroked my hair. I wanted this to last forever, but tomorrow night, I would wait for him again. But there was one thing I was sure of: he would come back to me.
I asked Carly once how she did it. How she sat at home at night waiting for Sonny to come back. She looked at me as if I had just asked her what was the meaning of life. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and for a moment, I thought sadness in her eyes.
"You just do it," she said.
And that was how my life had been for nearly six months now. Asking questions that had no answers.
*
SIX MONTHS AGO
Jason opened the door to his penthouse for me as I walked in with my bags. He took the items from me and went to the bedroom. I went to the window and looked out to see the sun setting.
"Are you okay?"
I turned to see Jason watching me. I smiled and nodded.
"Are you hungry or anything?" he asked.
"I'm fine, thanks." I moved towards him, tempted to reach out for him, but instead, I sat down on the couch. "Can we go to the kennel tomorrow to pick up Rosie?"
"Sure." He was still watching me.
"Jason?"
He joined me on the couch.
"Am I safe?" I asked. I thought of my ex-husband. A man I thought I had loved. A man who had terrorized me.
"You're safe," he said softly.
"Because you're here?"
"Because you're strong and you're a fighter."
And this time, I did reach for him. I wrapped my arms around him and he did the same to me. And I felt safe.
*
I slept in his bed now. Most nights were together, in each other's arms, holding one another until morning. But there were nights where I went to bed alone. In the morning, he might be on the couch, or he would be next to me in bed, or he might not even be home. The first night alone, I imagined all the scenarios in my head: What if he got shot? What if he got badly beaten? What if he got arrested? What if he couldn't make it back home, back to me?
*
Tonight I went to bed alone. I wondered what Carly was doing across the hall. Did she stay up for Sonny? Did she lie awake in bed until she heard the door open? I wrapped the blanket around myself and tried to ignore the questions, erase the images. I thought of what Jason had told me when I had moved in. "You're strong and you're a fighter."
"So are you," I said out loud.
It calmed me down. I closed my eyes and amazingly, I quickly fell asleep.
*
I heard him get into bed with me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw him watching me. "Hey." He caressed my cheek and stroked my hair. I wanted this to last forever, but tomorrow night, I would wait for him again. But there was one thing I was sure of: he would come back to me.