*
*UNDERSTAND*
An hour later, Zelas stood up, sweat running down her tanned face, her bangs plastered to her face. Resurrecting took too much out of her. She didn't even have enough energy to convert the dragon into her servant anymore. No matter. She knew the perfect punishment for Xellos.
On the floor, Xellos grimaced, and sat up, his hand on his chest where the spell had exploded.
"Don't you know how much effort I have to put into resurrecting you?" Zelas demanded when Xellos was conscious enough to understand her.
Xellos nodded, and said, "Hai, Ju-ou-sama." Under his breath, he added, "If it bothers you so much, don't bring me back...."
"What are you mumbling?" Zelas shot at him.
"Nothing, Ju-ou-sama," Xellos lied. One hand still on his chest, Xellos used his staff to haul himself back to his feet.
Zelas paced in front of him, and said, "Xellos, thanks to you, I no longer have the energy to convert Filia into a mazoku."
Inside, Xellos sighed with relief. He wondered where Filia was, since she wasn't anywhere around there, but he knew better than to ask Zelas.
"So, I'm going to have you do it for me."
Xellos's eyes flew open, and he stared in shock at Zelas. "What?" he asked incredulously.
Grinning, her fangs flashing, Zelas repeated, "You will convert Filia into a mazoku."
Xellos tried to protest, but he knew that anything he would say would result in harsh punishment. Then again, what could be worse than that? He would be sending Filia into a life of hell and destruction. "But, Ju-ou-sama...." he started, but he knew it was futile.
"Go. Now."
*****
Filia looked up at the door when she heard footsteps. Was it Zelas? Was her time finally up? There was no way out, and no way to stop Zelas. Her fate was inevitable. She was going to be a mazoku shortly, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
The footsteps got closer and closer. Filia tensed up, and waited to see Zelas at the bars of her cell. Instead, she saw Xellos. Filia stared openly. Xellos! He was alive! Zelas must have resurrected him already! But, there was something different about Xellos. He wasn't even looking at her, and he looked a little pale still.
"Xellos?" Filia asked faintly.
Without saying a word, Xellos unlocked the door, and opened it. After a moment, Xellos looked up, but he still didn't look at Filia. He couldn't bear to look at her. Instead, he looked just above her, and, with a monotone voice and an expressionless face, he said, "You have to come with me, Filia."
"But.... why?" Filia asked, standing up.
Xellos made sure to avert his eyes from Filia. "Don't ask questions," he said shortly.
"All right," Filia said, a little unsure. Slowly, she walked to the door, glancing apprehensively up at the two demons before stepping out into the hall. Xellos closed the door behind her, and started walking down the dark hallway. "Where are you taking me?"
Xellos didn't answer her, but just kept walking.
Filia didn't move from her spot. "Xellos, what--" She stopped when she heard the growling of the demons right behind her. Quickly, Filia ran and caught up with Xellos, deciding that following him would be better than hanging around the demons. "Xellos, please tell me where we're going!" Again, Xellos didn't answer her. He just looked straight ahead, and kept walking. "Xellos, tell me what's going on! Please?"
Xellos winced at the tone Filia spoke in, and stopped walking for a moment. She was pleading with him. She was afraid. He had to say something, but there was no easy way of putting it. So, instead, he just said emotionlessly, "I'm taking you to be converted."
"You're.... what?" Filia asked in shock. She'd thought Zelas would have converted her, not Xellos. But why was Xellos doing it? Did he even care?
Without another word, Xellos continued walking down the hallway. Filia, however, didn't follow him. "Keep up," Xellos said without pausing, and without looking back at her, speaking in the same toneless voice.
"No," Filia said. Her voice wasn't loud, but it was determined, which made Xellos wince again. Very slowly, Xellos turned around, and, still not looking at Filia, began to walk back towards her. "I don't understand you," Filia said with a small shake of her head.
"What don't you understand about me?" Xellos asked, standing in front of Filia, his eyes on the splace just over Filia's shoulder.
"Everything!" Filia answered. "Like when you jumped in front of the spell! Why did you do that? And now!"
Xellos clenched his fist around his staff. He couldn't tell Filia why he jumped in front of the spell, because he wasn't quite sure himself. Instead, he asked, "What about now?"
Slowly, Filia shook her head, and wondered quietly, "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong with me," Xellos answered tonelessly. "I'm just following orders." Xellos turned his head, and said, "I don't want this to happen any more than you do."
There was a moment's silence. Then, "What?" Filia asked, her voice almost a whisper. "Xellos, what are you--"
"I'm under orders," Xellos said sharply, turning around again. He began walking angrily, and said, "Zelas ordered me to do this!"
"No, I mean the other part!" Filia called out from behind him. "The part about you not wanting to do this!"
Xellos stopped again, just about to take another step. His hand tightened again on his staff, but he didn't say anything. How could he possibly explain to Filia what it was like to be a mazoku? He didn't wish a life like that upon anybody.... especially her.
"Xellos?" Filia asked tentatively, taking a half-step forward.
With a small sigh, Xellos said, "I don't want this to happen to you.... or to anybody...."
"What are you saying, Xellos?" Filia asked. "I don't understand."
Under his breath, Xellos muttered, "Of course not." Then he continued down the hallway in anger that no one could understand what he was going through. "Please keep up," he said louder when he realized Filia wasn't walking behind him.
Very quietly, but loud enough for Xellos to hear, Filia said, "No, Xellos. I want a straight answer."
Slowly, Xellos turned around again. Taking slow, measured steps, Xellos headed back to Filia once more.
"Well?" Filia asked, prompting Xellos to answer her.
Xellos looked at Filia for a split second, before he had to look away again. He couldn't stand the look in her eyes. "I don't have a straight answer," he told her in a quiet, but sharp tone. He then took hold of her wrist, and pulled her alongside him.
Filia struggled again Xellos's grip, asking, "What are you doing? What are you trying to say? What's going on? Xellos?"
"I don't know!" Xellos said, frustrated with all the questions that he didn't have answers to, but wished he did. "I don't know what's going on! All I know is I don't want this to happen to you!"
Filia tried to keep herself from being dragged along by Xellos. "But why?" she asked exasperatedly.
"I don't know!" Xellos answered, almost shouting.
"What do you mean 'you don't know'?" Filia demanded.
All at once, Xellos turned around and faced Filia. "I don't know!" he said again. "I have feelings I'm not supposed to have! I'm asking questions I'm not supposed to ask!" He paused to calm his heavy breathing, and said more slowly, "I can't explain it. I just don't know anything right now."
Filia looked at Xellos in slight shock. "I thought I had you figured out," she said, more to herself than to Xellos.
"I thought that after one thousand years, I'd have myself figured out too," Xellos muttered.
"So don't do this!" Filia said, trying to get through to Xellos.
Shaking his head, Xellos said testily, "I have to."
Desperately, Filia tried to talk to him again. "No, you don't! If you're feeling this, and you aren't supposed to, then maybe--"
"No!" Xellos shouted, cutting her off sharply, and tightening his grip on her wrist. Then, finally, the things he'd wanted to tell someone for so long came spilling out in his frustration. "I have orders! And if I disobey them, Zelas will punish me, and I'll no doubt try to kill myself again! And what's worse, Zelas will bring me back! Do you know what it's like to want to die, and not be able to? Do you know what it's like to finally find release from this living nightmare, and then be brought back?" Xellos breathed heavily after that, not really realizing what he'd said yet.
"You...." Filia started, ignoring the pain in her wrist from Xellos's vice-like grip. "You want to die?"
"I can't expect you to understand!" Xellos snapped, looking away again.
Softly, Filia said, "I may not understand, but you have to tell someone! This is eating away at you! I can tell!"
Xellos turned, and looked Filia squarely in the eyes. With a stern, serious face, he said, "Life like this isn't living. I just exist. I see pain, suffering, and death every day of my existence. I kill myself to try to escape this, to escape this world and my existence, so these feelings inside me.... so they'll go away."
"And then when Zelas brings you back, those feelings comeback?" Filia asked gently.
"Yes, exactly," Xellos said, surprised that Filia could understand that well.
Filia carefully covered Xellos's hand that was on her wrist with her own hand to try to ease his grip. He got the message, and loosened his hold a little. "Then don't go back to Zelas," Filia told him.
"I have to," Xellos said, looking away again.
"No, you don't!" Filia told him, gaining confidence in Xellos's confessions. "I've seen you before! You can walk away from her!"
Xellos turned sharply to Filia again, and glared at her angrily, his grip tightening on her wrist again. "You don't understand, do you?" he shouted. "She created me-- CREATED me! She can enter my mind, she can read my thoughts, she can find me! Who knows what she'd do to me?" Much quieter, Xellos added, "What she'd do to others...." Xellos didn't even understand, though. He shouldn't care for others, he shouldn't care when he killed someone, he shouldn't care that he couldn't die, she shouldn't care that Filia was going to be a mazoku.... He shouldn't be feeling that strange emotion whenever he thought of Filia, or when he was around her. That pleasant sensation. He shouldn't have that.
"I understand," Filia said in a strong, steady voice. "I understand completely. You're afraid of her! You're scared of her, and L-sama knows I'm scared of both of you, and yet--"
"You're scared of me?" Xellos asked incredulously, his glare dying away. He'd never come off as scary.... Well, he'd never meant to.... But he really had?
"Well--"
"Why?" Xellos asked sincerely.
Now it was Filia's turn to look away. Her eyes watered, and she said, "You threatened to kill me.... You killed my people.... And you're stronger than I am. As much as I hate to admit it, you are."
Xellos finally let go of Filia's wrist completely. "None of it was my fault, Filia," he said quietly, trying to get her to look at him again.
"I know," Filia said quietly.
"Then why are you afraid of me?"
Very, very slowly, Filia turned her head, and looked at Xellos with teary eyes, fringed with fear. "Because you did it," she said. "And you have the power to do it again."
As Xellos realized the truth of Filia's words, he found himself saying, "I.... I do have the power, but believe me when I say that I'd give anything not to have this power anymore."
"I know how it feels not to have control over my life," Filia said soothingly, referring to the Supreme Elder's rule over her life for the duration of her priestesshood. "But I found a way to escape it. I only wish that I know how you could, too...." Suddenly, Filia smiled. It wasn't a full smile, and her eyes still had tears in them but it was a smile just the same. "Maybe then you wouldn't irritate me so much," she said with a hint of a laugh in her voice.
For a few moments, Xellos just looked at her in silence. She did understand, despite being a dragon. And yet.... Xellos stared at the floor, and said, "I have to take you down to.... to...." His voice became choked, and he couldn't finish his sentence. He took up Filia's wrist again, and started walking. Surprisingly, Filia followed without protest.
"I know," was all Filia said.