Back at school, Sirius met him in his dog form. He knocked Remus over as he jumped on him.
"Get off," Remus pushed the bear like dog off of him. "What is wrong with you?"
Sirius ran off and then looked back indicating that he wanted to be followed. He ran up a flight of stairs and waited for Remus to catch up. He stood at the door of a classroom and Remus opened it up when he got there. Remus closed the door, casted a Silencing Charm on the room and turned to his friend who had turned back into himself, "What?"
"I just saw Harry," Sirius told him. "I tried to say Hello but he totally ignored me! He was pretty upset, what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything expect talk to him," Remus sighed thinking how much Harry had not been in the mood to talk to his godfather.
"Are you sure?" Sirius growled much like the dog he had been a few minutes ago.
"I told him about our 6th year and told him I would like to help," Remus explained.
"Why did you tell him about our 6th year?" Sirius exploded.
"Sirius I happen to know more about what he is going through than you! I understand what he is going through!" said Remus.
"Be careful with him Remus," Sirius begged.
"It's you that has to be careful," Remus said to Sirius and opened the door and walked out.
**
That night Harry got out of bed and sat by the window. It was freezing out, he grabbed the blanket and curled up in it and looked out. He could talk about it with Remus, he would understand, he said he would. But just about the Tower thing, he wouldn't understand the other thing, no one did. They tried to but they couldn't. He closed his eyes but opened them quickly, what would he do for one decent night sleep… just one night?
Harry tried to avoid Remus and everyone for the next two weeks. He avoided the Great Hall and the common room at night. He wasn't really sure why he was avoiding Remus but something held him back from wanting to talk to him, he wasn't sure about wanting anyone else to know what he was thinking.
One morning as he tickled the giant squid while everyone was at dinner he heard footsteps behind him.
"James never left me alone for more than two weeks," it was Remus and he walked up next to Harry.
"I don't want to talk to you," Harry said and turned away.
Remus followed him, "See there is the problem, I want to talk to you."
"Good for you," Harry replied.
"What have you been thinking about?" Remus asked.
"I was thinking about how much I would really like to be left alone," Harry responded
dryly.
"Ah that isn't going to work with me," Remus laughed, "nice try though."
"Will this work?" Harry asked turning around. "Leave me alone!"
"Harry you need to talk," Remus insisted, "I don't like to pressure you but you need to talk."
"No," Harry shook his head and turned back around so his back was to Remus, "I need to be left alone."
"I'm not leaving until we talk," Remus told him very seriously.
"Fine!" Harry whipped around and put on a fake smile, "Life treating you well?"
"I was thinking more about what you are thinking about?"
"Why should I tell you? Do you understand what it is like to be responsible for someone's death?" Harry gasped and looked down surprised about what he had just said.
Remus looked at the boy and sighed, he was only 15 years old he shouldn't have to deal with something like this. He was a child, he should be worrying about Quidditch and classes. "I do know what it feels like."
"Really?" Harry asked dully.
"All Aurors and phoenixes experience it sometime in their career. You get the signal of Dark Activity, you rush off to the site and most of the time there is someone already dead or dying as you rush in. You feel responsible, you think could I have been quicker? Why didn't I save them? That happened to your father, Sirius and myself too many times."
"It's not the same," Harry told him. "You didn't lead them to their death!"
"Harry if you had taken that Cup alone you wouldn't be a Potter," Remus put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "You did what everyone would have expected you to do. You can't blame yourself."
"Screw you," Harry told him, left without another word, and didn't listen as Remus called him back.
**
Harry walked around in a daze for the next week, he didn't care about school anymore and barely did his homework. He usually sat in his dorm sometimes under the Invisibility Cloak and thought and watched the stars and the moon. He thought about Cedric a lot though he wished he could stop. The third task and the summer swirled around in his mind at all times and he couldn't escape either.
One morning he had gone down to the Great Hall to get a few pieces of toast for breakfast when he saw a Daily Prophet lying around. He had to rub his eyes to see the print clearly, the past few nights he had been awake most of the time. He started to have nightmares again, Voldemort had been very busy and Harry had been seeing all of it. He frown and choked back as he read the article. Without getting any toast and still with the paper in his hand he raced back up to Gryffindor Tower knocking into several people.
Remus entered Gryffindor Tower later that day and with a nod from Ron, he knew that Harry was alone in the dorm. Remus went up there and looked for the fifth year dorms. He was surprised to look at his own old dorm and see "5th years." Remus knocked gently and waited. No one answered so he went in. He looked around and could see it hadn't changed much. He closed his eyes and could see Sirius and James running around it, tripping over socks, robes and Dungbombs. His own bed was very neat and always made except at night. But now where near the window where they spent so many nights planning their adventures sat Harry who looked out of the window and probably didn't even notice he was there. Remus went over to him and sat down opposite him where he always used to sit when they gathered around the window.
"Harry," Remus greeted him.
Harry looked up at him with his green eyes filled with tears. He didn't say anything. His glasses were on the floor next to him. He had a wild, lost look to his eyes and Remus was sure that even if he had his glasses on he didn't know who was in the room with him.
"Harry what's wrong?" Remus asked gently.
Harry didn't say anything. He gave Remus a paper that had been beside him.
"Children Found Dead and Badly Beaten in Alley"
That was all Remus had to read to know what was bothering Harry. He did scan the article though, and the Daily Prophet reported that the bodies of four children were found near Diagon Alley with a number of curse marks on them. The children had bruise marks on them and many cuts that experts said were from the Crucitus Curse. The Ministry still did not believe Voldemort to be back but all of the children on their backs had the Dark Mark burned into them.
Remus put down the article and spoke to Harry, "Do you want to talk about it?"
There was silence for a few minutes, Remus was sure he wasn't going to speak but Harry opened his mouth and in barely more than a whisper spoke. He was still looking out of the window as he shook his head at the memory, "It was horrible." Harry shook his head again, "He was still mad at me about when the Weasleys picked me up for my 4th year, the twins played a joke on Dudley. My punishment for that was no food for three weeks, that is how long Dudley wouldn't eat for and chores from early in the morning until sunset. It wasn't bad; it kept my mind off things, but no food with a lot of work and staying up all night so I wouldn't dream… I didn't last long. A week at the most, I started to fall asleep and I would dream the same thing every night. Once in a while I would have another dream but it involved Voldemort torturing someone and I would wake up with my scar killing me. He always woke up and would punish me for disturbing his sleep. Each time it got worse… and worse…"
"You don't have to give details Harry," Remus said softly.
"Other than trying to kill me he knew that if he insulted my parents that I would fight back. It didn't work; I had no more fight in me. He told me all about my father, at his wedding, and when he saw him at a dinner party. All he did was insult him, and my mother he made her seem like the devil. I tried not to listen but I know so little about them. When he realized I was going to fight back then, he just kept insulting me, I took it all in and believed every word."
Harry stopped and looked around the dorm but not seeing any of it because he didn't have his glasses on. He spoke again, "Dumbledore wrote him a letter, asking him to be nice to me and that I had gone through a rough time, he explained about Cedric and here my Uncle won. I didn't believe it was my fault but with his taunting and my dreams, I believed him. And I told him shut up and be quiet. That was what he wanted, he wanted me to fight back. He told me I brought it upon myself and I was locked in my room with my windows boarded up for a month, there was a crack in one of the boards and I usually watched the sunrise. Well I watched a light come up. No food and no water. All he gave me was a beating every night for talking back to him."
Remus looked out of the window and tried to keep his emotions down. He didn't want to look at Harry for he knew that Harry was very ashamed right now. He was crying silently again and did not try and stop them.
"I'm 15 and I was getting the shit beaten out of by my uncle," Harry said leaning back against the wall. "If anyone ever found out, anyone outside the school I could only imagine what the headlines would be. The Boy Who Lived can't even defend himself against a Muggle but can survive Voldemort. The hero of the wizarding world beat down by a Muggle. What a hero I am. I tried so hard not to let it show you all would just pity me and look down on me… I didn't want that."
Remus didn't know what to say; he didn't know how he could comfort him. What would James say to him now? How would he comfort him? Help me James… he thought desperately.
"I thought of trying to escape but I didn't have my wand with me," Harry continued, "I didn't have my Cloak and I couldn't leave the pictures of my parents behind. I also didn't have any money. Where would I go? Dumbledore I was sure would send me back, something about protection there and I didn't want to put anyone else in any danger, they are in enough danger by just knowing me."
"I never left so lonely so disgusted with myself. A little kid gets beaten not a 15 year old."
"Harry you have nothing to be ashamed of," Remus heard himself saying, "it wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could have done."
"I wanted help, I wanted someone to come and rescue me, to get me out but I send a letter to Ron early on in the summer and she never came back. I couldn't owl anyone; I was cut off from the world. But I don't think I could have said it, the Weasleys couldn't come and get me, its half their fault all this happened. That's why I hid it from Ron, I know they didn't mean it, they know some of what the Dursleys do and the twins were only playing a joke. They didn't know that he could hold a grudge for so long. Sirius, I couldn't get him into anymore trouble, what if he was seen or caught? I was stuck there, trapped in my room and in my mind. I couldn't think of anything happy, I couldn't remember what it felt like to fly."
"These people," Harry tapped the ground thinking it was the newspaper, "they would understand. They went through the same thing I did, they got beaten up for just being alive and being in the wrong place. It was horrible and I know what they went through."
"Harry you seem to know a lot about what these people went through," Remus told him. He had been listening carefully to Harry, did he see them in a dream? He had been looking very pale recently and Remus had thought that he hadn't been sleeping again.
"I wished that my life had ended like theirs," Harry didn't respond to him. "They got the easy way out… death. I wished for death so many times, and even know I wish for it. Too much, too many memories, too many visions, I just want them to go away and leave me alone!"
He stopped, he still had that faraway look in his face. He laid down on the floor and closed his eyes, "Peace… it's all I want." He spoke still in the same tone.
Remus got up and lifted him easily; he put him in his bed and took out his wand, "A useful spell Harry." He muttered a few words and he fell asleep. Remus had put a dreamless sleeping charm on him and he wouldn't wake up until he was fully rested. Tonight at least he would escape his dreams.