Nutbread, Henbane, Annoying Blondes, Oh My!

by Tali

A/N: Will it offend you? Probably. It's a just a bit of fun, written while waiting for season 5 to air, it was a bad place. I don't actually wish to put the poor characters through this hell, I love them all to dearly. So kick back, relax, enjoy and be nice.

Spoilers:
Xena: Little bits here and there up to the middle of season 4.
Hercules: I don't know, I only even watch it when Kevin Smith is in it. Herc's Mummy is still alive, I didn't even know she was dead until someone told me. Did a Hydra eat her or something?

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters of Xena, Warrior Princess or Hercules and his so-called Legendary Journeys. Wouldn't take the blame for Eve, Eli, India, The Light, Ares being such a bastard, Gabrielle becoming the annoying bleached blonde she is today, etc.

Gabby was walking along one day when she saw a perfect piece of nutbread on the side of the road, on a piece of marble. Now, Gabrielle loved nutbread, so when Xena wasn't looking she stuffed it in her mouth. The next thing she knew she was face down in the mud.

Xena turned in time just to see the annoying bard stuff something in her mouth. "Trust that little bitch to sneak some food. I haven't eaten in days and there she is just stuffing herself," she thought. After a couple of minutes Gabrielle passed out. Xena wondered if she could leave her there, but no doubt she would eventually find her again, so Xena got off Argo and started to make camp for the night. In the meantime, Gabrielle had woken up and started to sing the most terrible song Xena had ever heard.

The short blonde looked at Argo, who was starting to get more then a little fearful, then at the tree to which Argo was tied. Gabby smiled at the tree, picked up her staff and made her way over to it. "I'm not going to hurt you, little tree." Gabrielle then made a surprise attack on the tree and started to beat it to a bloody pulp, hang on, trees don't bleed and scream and run, oh no - it's Joxer.

Joxer lay curled up in a ball by the fire. Gabrielle had attacked him, thought he was a tree - so much for friendship. Damn woman couldn't even tell he wasn't a tree.

Gabrielle was jumping around like a lunatic.

"Serves her right, that should teach her not to steal food, especially food that had been sacrificed to a god." Xena had seen the piece of black marble the bread had been sitting on and instantly knew it belonged to Ares. Gabrielle had stolen a sacrifice for Ares. Xena couldn't help herself, she burst out laughing. "Stupid Bard! Hey, maybe I could use that as an excuse to go see him."

Ares was in one of his temples, looking through a portal at his Princess. This had to be the most amusing thing he had ever seen. The Irritating Blonde eating the bread that had been spiked with henbane, (he loved it when his followers did that), passing out, singing, beating up Joxer 'cause she thought he was a tree, and Xena bursting out laughing.

The Hunky God of War appeared in front of Xena. "You want to ditch the blonde and come clubbing with me in Corinth?"

Xena didn't even have to think about it. She stood up, looked around and nodded her head. Just as they were about to disappear, Xena stopped him. "Hey, is Herc in Corinth?"

Ares looked mad. He ground his teeth together. "Yes."

"Cool, we can dump Gabrielle on him, make him look after her for a while."

Ares liked Xena's logic. Without the blonde around he stood a chance. "I like the way you think, Princess." With a wave of his hand, they were all standing in one of Corinth's top night spots, a strip club.

"Uh, Ares? Why are we in a strip club?"

"'Cause this is where Herc is."

"Why did I even bother asking?" Xena looked over to see the blonde demigod getting a lap dance from Iolaus. Xena burst out laughing for the second time that afternoon.

They made their way over to the two "heroes".

Ares smirked at his brother and scared Herc half to death. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

Xena stepped in. "I always thought you two were more than friends, having fun?"

Hercules and Iolaus both froze when they heard Xena's voice. Oh no, she knew, she had caught them!

"It's not what you think Xena," Iolaus pleaded.

"I don't care. Here, just take Gabrielle and you can continue with your little lap dance." Xena shoved Gabby over to the two men and disappeared with Ares. The two men looked at each other and back to the very stoned Gabrielle.

"Threesome!" they both squealed at the same time.

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Xena and Ares made their way to a dance club. The guest singer was a guy who looked a lot like Joxer, but with big hair (think Xena ep "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire").

They danced into the early hours of the morning, until they both got so drunk, they ended up half naked, lying on a pile of hay in the barn out the back of Ares' temple in the middle of Corinth.

The first thing Xena saw when she opened her eyes in the late afternoon was the God of War's chest, not that it wasn't a very nice chest, but what the hell was she doing lying on it? Xena rolled off of him and sighed.

"Great, just perfect. I decide to have a little fun and next thing I know, Ares is almost naked and I am on top of him! Well, I've been in that position before. Shit! What did I do with Gabrielle? Ah, think Xena, what did you do with the short blonde? I remember Hercules, Iolaus, strip club, lap dance, oh no!" Xena's mind had a complete freak-out.

Ares woke up from Xena's sudden movement. "Xena half naked, I'm having that dream again. I like that dream hey, we don't usually end up in a barn and she's usually fully naked." Ares looked around to see Xena having a heart attack of sorts.

Xena felt Ares nudge her in the ribs to see if she was real or not.

"Relax, War boy, I'm not just another one of your wet dreams. But we do have big problems."

"You mean drinking too much ending up half naked in a barn, not remembering it, having a major headache..."

"Okay, that's another thing to worry about. I meant Gabrielle. We left her with Herc and Iolaus while they were about to go have a little excursion of their own."

"Oh yeah. I suppose you wanna go find her now?"

"Unfortunately."

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Gabrielle woke up next to a strange woman that was sandwiched with her between Hercules and Iolaus. Her head thumped. She remembered something about hitting Joxer 'cause she thought he was a tree, but whatever she normally could have remembered about getting stoned was lost due to the large amount of mead she had consumed the night before. One thing was sure, the woman was not Xena. She was short, blonde and was saying something about the Jinn in her sleep. At first Gabby thought she was dreaming about the amount of gin and tonics consumed last night, but closer inspection revealed the woman to be Najara.

Not only had Gabrielle had a threesome with Herc and Iolaus, they had invited a psychopath to join in on the party. It was too much for the bard, she passed out.

Soon after Ares and Xena appeared in the room, stunned. It had nothing to do with the fact Gabrielle was naked lying with a woman and two men, but the fact that after a night of drinking and doing God knows what, traveling in the ether is not the best thing to do. It left the God and mortal feeling more than a little sick.

Hercules woke up only to be confronted by an angry-looking Warrior Princess and a smug, but hung-over, God of War. He then rolled over to see Gabrielle, another blonde woman and Iolaus all in bed with him, and naked. His mother was going to kill him if she ever found out. Now, in the spirit of humiliating Hercules, Acleme (sorry, I have no idea how to spell Herc's Mum's name and I can't be bothered to go and check, plus I have no way to, 'cause I don't have the net at the moment) and Jason chose that moment to burst into the room.

After a lot of screaming, which did none of our main characters' heads any good, Hercules got his mother to calm down. Jason stood there drooling over the three naked blondes who had somehow stayed asleep, or rather passed out, through the whole event. Acleme then turned to see the Warrior Princess who had nearly destroyed her son, and started screaming again. This time, Xena didn't wait for Herc to shut her up, she grabbed a vase and hit the old blonde over the head. She dropped like a fly. Ares finally relaxed, that screeching was really starting to get to him and he didn't want to leave Xena.

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Later that afternoon the whole group sat around the campfire, where they had left Joxer, who was still successfully curled up. Najara was casting evil glances at anyone who came near Gabrielle. Hercules and Iolaus were at other ends of the fire trying to stay away from each other. Acleme and Jason were trying to figure out what the hell was going on, Xena and Ares were trying to remember if they had passed out halfway through getting undressed or halfway through getting re-dressed. Gabrielle was desperately trying to get away from Najara and Joxer was still upset about the whole tree thing.

Xena was feeling really guilty. She had left Gabrielle, who had been as high as Mt Olympus, in the care of two drunk guys with foot fetishes. She had gotten drunk, couldn't remember if she had slept with Ares. "Damn! After all these years of saying no, I might have actually had sex with him and can't remember it. Hang on, I remember... No, just more hay in my cleavage." Xena pulled some hay out of her top and handed it to Ares.

"Why did she just hand me hay? Ah, I wish I could remember if we slept together. Oh... is that a smore? Gabrielle's making smores, yay! I hate that bard."

Gabrielle had a rather unique way of making the tasty campfire snack - she added rum. Ares and Xena went off to have a debate about the Trojan War, whether it was a waste of time, or a good program for all the young bludgers to do something worthwhile.

"Oh, come on Ares! What was I saying? Oh yeah, the Trojan War was a waste of time, big mistake. Got any more little chocolate, marshmallow, rummy things?"

"Sorry, babe, don't have any, the annoying blonde might. On second thought, don't bother. The Trojan War was one of my finest achievements until you decided to ruin it." Ares took a breath and started to cry. "I do all of this bad stuff and you always spoil it! My one way of coping without you and I can't even have that. It hurts!"

Xena was truly taken aback, Ares was crying over her. If she hadn't been so off the planet at the time she would have actually felt a little remorse. Xena moved over beside the crying God of War and put her arm around his shoulders.

"Hey, don't cry." Xena really had no idea what to do. "You wanna have sex?"

Ares stopped crying instantly. "Yeah."

For the second day in a row Xena woke up staring at Ares' chest. Only this time she was completely naked and remembered everything. Could things get any worse? Oh yes! Ares woke up and a moment after that Aphrodite burst into his room with an emotional problem.

"Ares I have a major prob... Xena? Oh.... wow...........naked..........on him...........you two so had sex. Cool!"

"Oh gods," Xena whispered.

" I gotta go tell someone!"

"No!" Before Xena could even get the word out of her mouth Dite was gone, and within half an hour the whole of Olympus knew. It was about then Xena decided to have a nervous breakdown. She really needed Ancient Greece's answer to Prozac. To make matters worse Gabby wasn't happy; then Xena reminded her of the one night stand she had with Najara, Herc and Iolaus and the Bard was fast to shut up.

Xena decided that if she was going down, she was taking her friends with her, and the next thing any of them knew, the whole of Greece was talking about Herc and Iolaus's foot fetish, Gabrielle's supposed drug problem and Jason's pervert-like nature.

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Then the bomb dropped. Not only was Xena now in a serious relationship with Ares, Hercules banned from Corinth, Joxer scarred for life and Iolaus forgotten, but Gabrielle discovered she was pregnant. Poor kid was conceived in a seedy hotel room after an orgy with a demigod and two other mortals. Xena had yet another nervous breakdown and had to go and tell Ares. Gabrielle was gonna freak when she found out who the father was. Either way it was bad: the child of a big stupid half-mortal or the kid of a short blonde sidekick, no wait, that's the mother. Or Iolaus's kid. So Xena set out to one of Ares' temples, got halfway there, then realized he came when she called him, so she sat under and tree and made herself comfy.

"Yoo-hoo, Ares? Honey bunny? Studmuffin of War?"

Ares appeared in a shower of blue sparkles.

"You gotta stop hanging around with Dite, she's teaching you bad habits. What's wrong?"

"Gabrielle's pregnant to either Hercules or Iolaus, or could be Najara, I'm not 100% sure she's really a woman."

"Better her than you."

Ares just got a look that could kill. He laughed nervously.

"Sorry. I could go and ask the Fates, see what they have to say."

"Would you, pookie?"

"If you stop calling me 'pookie'."

"I have been hanging around with Dite too much."

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Nine months later Gabrielle gave birth to a baby... wait for it, THING! It was short and blonde, always complaining just like Iolaus, lifting heavy things within hours of birth just like Herc and muttering something about the Jinn wanting some milk too, just like Najara. But the strangest thing was that it was born with a little staff, same as Gabby's, just smaller. Xena and Ares couldn't tell who the kid belonged to and the Fates were no help. Gabrielle was a loving mother, which scared Xena half to death.

"You would think after Hope she would learn. But no, she has another freak kid and doesn't do anything about it. This one better not kill one of my kids."

"How many do you have Xena?" Ares asked wearily.

"Just Solan, dumbass. I meant, if I have any more."

"Oh."

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So Gabrielle became a single mother for a short time, until she ran into Najara and they decided to get together. Najara said she didn't care if the child was hers or not, the Jinn would eventually tell her to kill it. Iolaus was living in a little hut selling himself for food, when Herc came walking by and they decided to change their names and move to Thrace. Joxer never did recover fully from the attack by Gabrielle; he is currently still on the ground in a ball by the same campfire. Jason took over the strip club in Corinth and Alcmene (that's how you spell it!) became the top attraction. Iphicles then denied that she was really his mother and ruled Corinth claiming he fell out of the sky. Aphrodite never did get to talk that emotional problem out with any member of her family, that emotional problem is currently her husband, whom the law prevents her from knocking off because he is a god (a problem for Judge Judy!). Xena and Ares ended up discreetly getting rid of Zeus and Hera, got married and now rule Olympus. Ares is completely in love with Xena and would never think of cheating on her like his father, if he did she would make him hurt, a lot.

~THE END~