I've decided to use this chapter for something other than questions. I've
decided to put some of what my life has been like; starting from the day I
walked in my house 3 years ago.
My mom and I had gone out..somewhere, but I don't really remember where. Anyway, that's not important. My little 12 year old sister had been at home alone, doing homework and stuff. When I got home she was dead. She had shot herself. You know, a lot of people think that when you are shot in the head it is a nice, neat little hole. No. Her face had everything but exploded. I hope no one ever has to know how hard it is to clean your sister's face off of the walls.
My dad wouldn't go to the funeral. That's the day he left. He went to Kansas, (why Kansas, I don't know.) He started a new life, so he says. Got a new wife, a new little girl and has a son on the way. He's 43, but his wife is 33.
When my brother hit high-school, he got a girl pregnant. She's now seven and a half months through this thing, and they decided to keep her. Don't know why, if I were them, I'd defiantly put her up for adoption.
People tell me my life sounds like a soap-opera, like on T.V. I wish it were, I really do.
But hang on, it gets better. I woke up in the middle of the night a while back. You know when you have a bad dream but you just can't remember for the life of you what it was about? (For my outsiders friends, yeah, like Ponyboy's dreams.) I must've been crying in my dream because my face was wet with tears. I hadn't ever cried about my sister, or my dad, or any of this. At all. So when I woke up that night, I kinda had a mental shut- down, like I just couldn't move and could hardly breathe I was crying so hard. I'm not sure how long I sat crying..could've been 10 minutes, could've been 2 hours..but when I was starting to run out of tears, I looked around.
I thought: Ok, I could kill myself. Right here, right now. And the pain would be gone, forever. But I couldn't do it. I wasn't to that "suicidal point" I guess you could say. It just felt like that would be giving up and that is something I refused to do. What I really wanted was to laugh again, but really be happy while doing so. I wanted to feel free to be me again around my mother, (who's the coolest mom in the whole world and shouldn't have had to go through all this crap) and I wanted to hang-out with friends for no other reason than to be with them, instead of all this, "I don't wanna go home" shit I was using all the time.
I saw my Bible. It was just lying there, on my desk. I remember my mom had been making me go to this Jesus group thing every week, and I had just gone that day, so I had thrown it up there and it just hadn't ever gotten put away.
I decided to try it. Once more, just open it and read to see if all the wisdom everyone told me it had was really there. (Lord knows I needed it!)
I wrote down the verse I read, because it's what got me outta that slump I was in. Philippians 4:4-7
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all, the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I decided that my sister's suicide had been HER choice. My dad's "new life" was HIS choice, and my brother's baby was HIS choice. That was what they had done to screw-up THEIR lives.
I had to get through this. First off: I had to forgive God. Than I had to forgive Casey, (little sister), my dad, and my brother. And than, I had to get involved in school and church.
I did that. And it helped. But now still, here I am, doubting God. Here's the ultimate question for you:
I WONDER: If God is really all-loving, why does he let some peoples lives get so damn screwed up?
If anyone can answer that, logically, I'll be impressed.
I'm sorry, this is a ramble. Just ignore this. I probably shouldn't have posted it. I just felt like it might help me a little. Maybe.maybe..
Don't worry about reviewing if you don't want to. Again, just ignore this..
NewYorkBabe A/N- Hmmm, in response to recent reviews: Java- yeah, I've done the whole counseling thing. But what really helps me is writing. K2- Absolutely, if you ever feel like e-mailing me anything at all, feel free. I'd love to "chat one on one" too.
My mom and I had gone out..somewhere, but I don't really remember where. Anyway, that's not important. My little 12 year old sister had been at home alone, doing homework and stuff. When I got home she was dead. She had shot herself. You know, a lot of people think that when you are shot in the head it is a nice, neat little hole. No. Her face had everything but exploded. I hope no one ever has to know how hard it is to clean your sister's face off of the walls.
My dad wouldn't go to the funeral. That's the day he left. He went to Kansas, (why Kansas, I don't know.) He started a new life, so he says. Got a new wife, a new little girl and has a son on the way. He's 43, but his wife is 33.
When my brother hit high-school, he got a girl pregnant. She's now seven and a half months through this thing, and they decided to keep her. Don't know why, if I were them, I'd defiantly put her up for adoption.
People tell me my life sounds like a soap-opera, like on T.V. I wish it were, I really do.
But hang on, it gets better. I woke up in the middle of the night a while back. You know when you have a bad dream but you just can't remember for the life of you what it was about? (For my outsiders friends, yeah, like Ponyboy's dreams.) I must've been crying in my dream because my face was wet with tears. I hadn't ever cried about my sister, or my dad, or any of this. At all. So when I woke up that night, I kinda had a mental shut- down, like I just couldn't move and could hardly breathe I was crying so hard. I'm not sure how long I sat crying..could've been 10 minutes, could've been 2 hours..but when I was starting to run out of tears, I looked around.
I thought: Ok, I could kill myself. Right here, right now. And the pain would be gone, forever. But I couldn't do it. I wasn't to that "suicidal point" I guess you could say. It just felt like that would be giving up and that is something I refused to do. What I really wanted was to laugh again, but really be happy while doing so. I wanted to feel free to be me again around my mother, (who's the coolest mom in the whole world and shouldn't have had to go through all this crap) and I wanted to hang-out with friends for no other reason than to be with them, instead of all this, "I don't wanna go home" shit I was using all the time.
I saw my Bible. It was just lying there, on my desk. I remember my mom had been making me go to this Jesus group thing every week, and I had just gone that day, so I had thrown it up there and it just hadn't ever gotten put away.
I decided to try it. Once more, just open it and read to see if all the wisdom everyone told me it had was really there. (Lord knows I needed it!)
I wrote down the verse I read, because it's what got me outta that slump I was in. Philippians 4:4-7
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all, the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I decided that my sister's suicide had been HER choice. My dad's "new life" was HIS choice, and my brother's baby was HIS choice. That was what they had done to screw-up THEIR lives.
I had to get through this. First off: I had to forgive God. Than I had to forgive Casey, (little sister), my dad, and my brother. And than, I had to get involved in school and church.
I did that. And it helped. But now still, here I am, doubting God. Here's the ultimate question for you:
I WONDER: If God is really all-loving, why does he let some peoples lives get so damn screwed up?
If anyone can answer that, logically, I'll be impressed.
I'm sorry, this is a ramble. Just ignore this. I probably shouldn't have posted it. I just felt like it might help me a little. Maybe.maybe..
Don't worry about reviewing if you don't want to. Again, just ignore this..
NewYorkBabe A/N- Hmmm, in response to recent reviews: Java- yeah, I've done the whole counseling thing. But what really helps me is writing. K2- Absolutely, if you ever feel like e-mailing me anything at all, feel free. I'd love to "chat one on one" too.