A/N: Hiya! *waves* Welcome one and all to Torn, my latest creation. Expect plenty shounen-ai and plenty angst to come. Major thanks to Lynne for finally coming down off her personal Muse Cloud and giving me some inspiration for this.
This is also my first fic to have formal input on you guys. That's right, you the reader can influence the outcome of this fic. For more details, read on...
Disclaimer: Yada, yada, yada. You know the score by now. Not mine, never will be.
I, Taichi Yagami, have a secret.
Oh gods no, not that. I've known I was gay since I was thirteen - the first time I kissed another boy.
No, it's something a lot worse than that. Something that could seriously screw up my life if it ever came out.
I'm in love with two people.
No big deal, some might say. Pick the cuter one, the one you get on best with, the one who's better in bed, or any of a thousand such categories. But it's not as easy as that. One, I'm not sure they even fall into the same category, and two, they're brothers.
It wasn't meant to happen. The line everybody uses, and no-one really understands. Well, I do.
At the start, I never expected to fall in love with Matt, but once it had come to pass I just accepted it. I discovered he felt the same way, and there was no problem. I just didn't mean to fall for his little brother as well.
It happened very suddenly - I noticed TK was missing during a party at Yolei's and found him outside, staring up at the stars. I asked him jokingly what he was looking for, and he replied quite seriously that he was trying to see Heaven.
I remember looking down at where he sat on the cold grass, hugging his knees to his chest, and noticing that he was crying - quietly and without a fuss. I shucked my jacket off and wrapped it around his shoulders, then sat down beside him and asked him what was wrong. He turned those deep blue eyes on me and said,
"You'd think with all those millions of stars out there for kids to wish on, they'd find one to grant me my wish."
I remember inquiring as to what he meant, and he told me that since his parents' divorce no-one had ever hugged him, ever told him he was special, ever made him feel properly loved. He said he loved Matt with all his heart, but they were just brothers - they loved each other so much, but he wanted his parents back, wanted them to love him properly again. Then he said he was being selfish and started crying all over again.
What was I meant to do? I couldn't very well leave him out on a cold night to cry his eyes red, so I pulled him into my lap and held him and rocked him and stroked his hair and made those meaningless little soothing noises that seem to be the human brain's automatic response when confronted by tears.
When he'd finally cried himself out into my shoulder, he turned his face up towards me, and I remember seeing those cherry-red lips and knowing exactly what I was about to do. And knowing with equal certainty and with a certain degree of horror that I could do nothing to stop myself.
Sure enough, I bent over and kissed him. I remember thinking, Nice going, Yagami. Matt's going to love you for this one, but I couldn't break away. He was clutching at me, as if he thought I was going to vanish, but for all that the kiss was gentle and tender.
When it finished, he just lay there in my arms, still sniffing, and I hugged him fiercely to my chest. That was when I realised - right then, I would've gone anywhere and done anything for that boy. I loved him.
The only trouble was, by that time I was already in a relationship with Matt. A four year relationship - we'd got together when we were both fourteen. Our first kiss had been completely accidental and unexpected - I'd come off the football pitch after spraining my ankle badly, and he'd rushed to help me because I was limping so much. We were halfway to the changing rooms (and, thank god, out of sight of the pitch) when I stumbled and fell, bringing him down on top of me. We just sort of lay there for about ten seconds, neither of us saying anything, our heads drifting closer together little by little. I think we were both really nervous, because when our lips finally touched we both squeaked and jerked apart. He didn't try and get up, though, just lay there on top of me, blushing and looking generally adorable. Eventually I couldn't stand the tension any more, so I reached up, grabbed the back of his head and dragged him back down to kiss me. I knew right then and there that I loved him.
So there you go. I've kissed them both, and I love them both. Two points apiece. Maybe I should try the categories thing after all.
OK, so which of them is cuter? Well, there's no denying Matt is hot. Forget stopping traffic, he could cause a nine-mile motorway tailback. He has a great body, a wonderful smile (that lopsided grin of his makes me go weak at the knees) and his hair is always immaculate. If you saw him in a museum, you'd swear one of those Greek Adonis statues had come to life and started walking around.
TK, on the other hand, could probably only stop traffic if you threw him in front of it. He blonde hair's often tousled, and he's nowhere near as buff as his brother - he tends instead towards slim and slender.
But while his smile may be shy and rare, when it does come out his face lights up like a Christmas tree. Matt may be totally drool-worthy, but when TK smiles he's irresistible.
So, cuteness test proves inconclusive. Who do I get on better with?
I think Matt has the edge in this category. TK's very much a 'staying-in' person - he likes to snuggle up and just 'be together', and he's quiet and not very outspoken.
By contrast, Matt is a great guy to be around. He always was, and still is, my best friend. We have a fantastic time together, laughing and joking, pulling tricks and so on. We can finish each other's sentences, tell what the other is thinking, and when we get together we do the most insane - and hilarious! - things. Like the time we ran Izzy's boxers up the school flagpole, or started a rumour that Joe did crochet, or told Sora's soccer coach that Sora had quit the team in order to play hockey instead.
One point to Matt, then, for being a friend just as much as my boyfriend. Now, who's better in bed...
OK, this is very embarrassing. Plus I can't decide. The first time Matt and I made love was just incredible. We'd taken a picnic up onto the hill outside Odaiba to watch the stars come out, and ended up wrapping ourselves in the picnic blanket and making love, slowly and tenderly.
Of course, Matt's score is helped by him being very...uh...inventive. He knows all the best aphrodisiacs (he'd feed me chocolate-covered oysters if I let him) and has an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of all my sensitive spots.
TK, by comparison, is very naïve. If he knew half the things his brother and I have done he'd probably have an embolism.
Which isn't to say he's not fantastic. Every time we make love, it's like the first time - he's just so...innocent and virginal. He's so careful and loving, always putting my pleasure before his own.
Ugh, this is horribly difficult. So far, Matt just about has the edge, but there really isn't enough between them to justify a decision. Nevertheless, I do have to make a decision. This can't go on forever - sooner or later Matt is going to find out about me and TK, and then all hell will break loose.
I feel terrible keeping it from him, anyway. He's been so fantastic to me ever since we got together - giving me flowers every Valentine's, taking care of me when I'm ill, and never ever forgetting a birthday or anniversary. I honestly can't believe I've been selfish enough to have an affair with TK.
That said, I do love TK. He's so sweet and kind, and some of the things he does just make me melt. Like when he baked me a cake all by himself - especially noteworthy because Matt's always been the culinary expert of the family, so TK's never dared to try anything himself. The things he does, just for me - they make me feel so special, and I love him all the more for them.
What kind of choice is this, anyway? Whichever one I choose, I stand to completely alienate the other - and it's only made worse by the fact that they're brothers. I don't want to be what comes between them.
Of course, that isn't true. If it were, I'd never have started seeing TK behind Matt's back. It's all my fault already. I guess when Matt finally does find out, I'll deserve everything I get. Maybe I shouldn't make a choice, maybe I ought just to let it come out and take what I deserve.
I don't want to lose them, though. Either of them. I wish there was some way of splitting myself, so I could have both of them. I love them both. I don't know how - or why - it happened, but I do.
OK, so I have three options. One, do nothing. Carry on seeing both of them and wait until Matt finds out and everything blows up in my face, with no way to tell how long that'll be.
Two, choose Matt. Tell TK I can't see him any more. Lose that wonderful smile, and never have him bake me a cake again.
Three, choose TK. Tell Matt I've been seeing his brother for over a year, cheating on him behind his back. Lose a great friendship as well as ending a four-year relationship, and probably lose all my friends into the bargain. Matt knows them all as well as I do, so they'll be forced to pick between him and me just as I'm being forced now.
I can't do this. This is just too hard. I can't choose between them - I love them both so much.
And yet, what kind of pig am I? I've cheated on my boyfriend, who trusts me, with his fifteen-year-old brother. I've told TK that I love him even though I'm with his brother, even though we can't tell anyone about our relationship for fear of Matt finding out. TK lives in fear of his brother coming round and confronting him one day.
I've told Matt that I love him more than anyone, that I want to be with him forever. Twisted words, twisted lies.
I've kissed both of them, slept with both of them, and I love both of them. And I don't deserve either of them. They both deserve so much more than a lying, cheating scumbag like me.
I know they're going to ask me to choose between them, and I know I'm going to have to. What I don't know is which one to choose, nor why.
I keep seeing them as I love them. Matt after we first made love, his hair spread out over the blanket beside me, one arm draped across my chest, looking so peaceful in the early morning light...
TK when he brought over my cake, standing in the doorway, that lovely smile playing around his lips, big blue eyes bright with happiness...
Matt after we got chased through the twilit streets of Odaiba in nothing but our boxers after being discovered by a security guard, making out on the back row of a nearly deserted cinema. His face flushed, panting, laughing uncontrollably, and then leaning forward and kissing me, taking up where we left off...
TK waking up in the morning after our first night together, blinking sleepily at me, and then that beautiful smile of his coming out like the sun rising...
Matt after we first told my parents, one arm wrapped protectively round my shoulders, ready to take all the blame and all the anger on himself...
TK following our first kiss, nestled in my arms with his face buried in my chest, his golden hair brushing against my face...
How can I choose?
* *
"So we're agreed then. A straight choice, you or me."
TK took a deep breath, then nodded. He'd expected Matt to go insane with rage, to start screaming and shouting, but he hadn't. Instead, he'd been calm - almost too calm. Between them, they'd agreed that it couldn't go on like this, and Tai had to be made to choose, even though they both knew it would hurt all of them. Neither of them knew which way Tai would choose, neither daring to hope that they would be the choice, and secretly almost wishing that it could go on like this. This would strain their relationships with Tai and with each other to breaking point and beyond.
"Right then." Matt stood up, extending a hand to TK, but when TK took it he could feel the tension barely hidden beneath the surface. It'll never be like it was before - we'll never hug each other or talk to each other in the same way again. No-one's going to win today, only lose.
* *
I fumble with the key to my apartment, only managing to fit it into the lock on the third go, and when the door opens I wish I'd dropped it down the drain outside.
Matt and TK are both sat there. Matt's eyes are dark, his expression carefully blank; TK's eyes are red and slightly puffy, and his whole attitude's defensive - he radiates don't hit me vibes with everything, from the hunched shoulders to the clasped hands.
I know instantly, of course. I've spent three hours walking through the city in a daze, contemplating this very event, and here it is happening right in front of me. Dammit - I shouldn't've given Matt a key.
Matt speaks, his voice as expressionless as his face. I know that keeping so calm must be costing him a lot, and I dread to think what he'd be like if he slipped for just a moment.
"So - which of us do you love most?"
A/N: Whee! I love cliff-hanger endings!
Anyway, Lynne and I had this really good idea. We thought that we'd let you guys, yes you, the readers, decide on what happens. Does Tai go with Matt or with TK? Or neither? (No really bizarre plot twists, please, I can do those by myself :P)
So place your votes now. Just hit the 'Submit Review' button and make your choice. Taito? Taikeru? Neither? Or even both? (Oh, and don't forget to pop in a comment about the fic!)
Thanks for reading and see you in the next chapter!