A/N: Right. Third and penultimate chapter of Torn, here for
your enjoyment.
Apologies for it being so short. If it were any longer
I'd be getting into the plot exposition for the last chapter, and I can't
do that without letting you vote one last time.
So far, the voting stands at *drum roll*...19 all. Yep,
exactly tied. (That's counting all the votes I received by email while ff.net
was down, and discounting the three reviews that were completely unsigned).
So, the rest is down to you. This is your last chance
to vote. Taito or Taikeru, simple choice, and we'll see who wins. How long
you get to vote depends on how long it takes Lynne to come up with concept
for the final chapter :) although I've pretty much got it planned whichever
way it goes.
Hope you enjoy the chapter. Yes, Matt is supposed to
be insecure, schizophrenic and generally nuts. How would you feel if your
koibito had been stolen by your brother?
Disclaimer: La la la, don't own any of it except
inside my own head. Apologies to XIneko for inadvertently stealing a quote
from Out (please go and read it if you haven't already, it's incredible),
and thanks to AtheneMiranda for letting me leave in the Pylades reference
(another fic that everyone should read! Listen to me, people!)
Now, onto the fic. Leave your votes at the end. Taito
or Taikeru?
This has not been a good day.
First I nearly get run over on my way to college, and the driver threatens to sue me for mental anguish. Then my favourite teacher goes off on one about my term paper being two days late. Two days. Then my mother calls and announces she's coming over to see my new digs tomorrow. No warning or anything. So I'm left with no time to do anything about the total mess my flat has managed to get itself into.
Oh, and I found out my boyfriend, my koibito, the love of my life has been sleeping with my brother.
Not a good day.
I couldn't believe it. I actually came the closest to going postal that I've ever come in my life. I had to shove everything aside, go cold and unemotional just to get past it. How could he? And how could Takeru? My own brother, damn it. This is taking sibling rivalry just a little too far. I thought they both loved me - guess I was wrong.
After everything that's happened, too. When Tai's dad threatened to ground him, stop him seeing me, who stood up to that overbearing bastard? Me. When he got gastro-enteritis, who sat by his bedside, held his hand, talked to him, emptied his bucket? Me.
...who puts him before anything else in life? Me...
God, I never thought it'd come to this. I mean, I never expected us to last forever...OK, so I did. So I was stupid and idealistic and hopelessly, idiotically romantic. I thought that once we'd fallen in love we'd stay that way forever. Happy ever after. Roses and bluebirds and all that.
Damnit, what went wrong? Where, along the line, did I slip up? I've cooked him dinner (not to mention breakfast) more times than I can count, gone to all his soccer games, spent an entire Christmas Day just holding him in my arms and stroking his hair. I've been a part of his life for four years. Doesn't that count for anything?
I keep wondering how on earth I never noticed. What I thought were little things now seem like such obvious signs I can't believe I missed them. A glance, a half-smile, a casual touch. Hidden in plain view, where I was too blind to see it.
My brother. How was I supposed to see that one coming?
And then I realise. I've never said I love you.
Oh, I've said it - in the heat of the moment, or whispered lightly when he's drifting off to sleep, but never properly. I shy away from things like that - I could never face him when he looked at me with that loving intensity in his eyes and said 'I love you' with more force in his voice than I'd ever heard before. I dropped my eyes, said 'I know' or 'The feeling's mutual' or something stupid like that.
You see, I was never sure. It was the first time I'd even crushed on someone, never mind been in a relationship. I had nothing to compare it with, no prior experience to be able to give a name to that hot, tingly feeling I felt whenever he was near me. I didn't know what to call it when he kissed me, or when we...did it.
Shit. I can't even call it making love in case I'm lying. The single most incredible experience of my life, and I can't give it its proper name.
I'm about to lose him. I've never told him that I love him. I may never get the chance.
It's been too long. He's been standing there for far too long. How is the choice that difficult? TK or me, me or TK. My four years of devotion against...whatever they had. For however long they had it. Jeez, I don't even know they were going behind my back. A year? Two? How long has he been lying to me every time I said 'is everything all right?' How long have I not meant enough to him?
I obviously wasn't enough. He had to go to my little brother for what I couldn't give. God, I must be the worst boyfriend on the planet.
I just want to go up and take his hand and walk out of here, away from this. Some childish little voice in me says make it go away. I don't like Now. Make it be Then, when everything was nice. I want to go back to when we held hands and walked through the park, not caring who saw us; when we snatched kisses every second we could; when we went outside and sat under the stars and just held each other.
But I can't. This has happened, and nothing will ever be the same. I won't ever look at him in the same way again. When I ask 'is everything all right?' I won't take 'yes' for an answer. I'll watch his every move, check his mail, listen in to his phone conversations. I know I will.
And what about TK? I won't trust him again. He stole my boyfriend.
This is tearing me in half.
Tai will pick me. I know he will. He has to. He's been with me the longest. I was his first boyfriend. He must pick me.
Then why is he looking at TK like that? I tell myself it's an I'm sorry look, a we can't see each other any more look, but I don't believe myself. He's going to choose TK, isn't he?
What will I do if he does? I'll be second best, the 'other one', the runner up. The one who wasn't good enough. But I've done the best I can!
We've been together so long. I can hardly remember what it's like to be alone any more. He's always been there - our names are practically synonymous. We've become almost one person, to our friends and to each other. You don't get Tai without Matt. We're a double act, inseparable.
Or so I thought.
I can hardly bear it any longer. The tension's tearing me apart. Pick, damn you, pick and have it over with! Take him if you want, leave me on my own, just do something. I have to know - who means more to you? Who lights your fire? Who floats your boat?
Any minute now, I'm going to crack. I'm going to scream at you, like I've wanted to ever since I heard. I've been holding it in too long, and it's about to boil over. I don't know what'll happen if it does. Can I stop myself before I go too far and lose you forever? What if I start yelling just as my name's about to pass your lips?
Damn it, I've got to know. Him or me?
You wet your lips nervously, and I lean forward almost subconsciously. The tension in the air hums like a plucked guitar string.
TK just sits there, chewing on his lower lip, eyes fixed on the floor. See? He doesn't care. Pick me!
You part your lips, ever so slightly...
And in that split second, TK's head comes up, and I realise how wrong I've been. His eyes are red, his face crumpled, tears still spilling down his cheeks. He fixes you with a half-pleading, half-resigned look that pierces my heart and makes me want to cry for him. I can't believe I've done this, forced this on them.
"I hope you're happy together."
That's all he says, in a small, quiet voice. There's a breathless moment where we all seem to be caught out of time, and then he's gone. One second he's there, the next the door is swinging shut behind him as he races out into the night. I feel so awful...
You turn to me, and I see you're crying too. There's warm wetness on my cheeks - I guess it got to all of us. You fix me with an imploring look, and suddenly I realise - you don't know what to do.
And nor do I. Do I let you go after him, like I should, or do I take you in my arms, as I so desperately want to?
I guess it's my choice now.