A/N: Ouch. This chapter hurt a lot to write. It's likely to hurt a lot to read. Be warned.
One quick note before you plunge straight in - koibito means boyfriend or lover; itoshii means loved one, soulmate.


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"Go."
Even as the word passes my lips, I see your mouth curve in a sad smile, and I know you've made your choice. You come forward and put your arms around me, hugging me fiercely, burying your face in my shoulder.
"I love you." Your voice is muffled by my shirt; I smile down at you through my tears, wet my lips, and finally say the words I've meant to for so long.
"I love you too." You look up at me wonderingly, but there's no time. I unwrap your arms from around my body, pushing you firmly in the direction of the door. "Go on. Go."
You reach out and grab my arm, clinging onto me for just a moment, then with one backward glance you sprint through the door and out into the night.

* *

I can hardly see. It's dark, my eyes are full of tears, and it's raining so hard. I dash the tears out of my eyes with the back of my hand, plunging onwards, not caring where I'm going. My breath is coming in gasps, great choking sobs, and I know I can't keep running.
Stone against my fingers. I collapse against it gratefully, completely exhausted. I'm wet through, cold and shivering. I wrap my meagre jacket more tightly around myself, desperate for some shred of warmth.
"Takeru?"
Oh no. I crouch lower, trying to make myself as small as possible, praying that he won't see me in the dark and the pouring rain.
"Takeru? TK?"
No such luck. I've realised where I am now - the bridge over the river, just a few blocks away from his apartment and the first place he'd look. I can hear his footsteps coming towards me, muffled by the rain.
"There you are - oh, 'Keru, I'm sorry..."
Warm arms around me, a wet cheek against my wet forehead. I stiffen, refusing to respond, but the tears well up again...
He cradles me like a child, rocking me back and forth as racking sobs tear through me. "Ssh, ssh, 'Keru...don't cry, 'Keru-chan, please..." He shrugs his jacket off his shoulders. wraps it around me; I can smell him on it, even through the rain.
"De..." My voice breaks; I swallow and try again. "Deja vu."
"What?" He strokes my streaming wet hair out of my eyes with tender fingers.
"Isn't this," I choke down a sob, "how it all st-started?" I can't help it - the memory's too much, and I dissolve into tears again.
"'Keru..." The pet name comes so easily from him, his voice so soft and gentle. "I still love you."
I turn my head away, not wanting to look at him. "But n-not as much as Matt, r-right?"
The pause is too long; he swallows, and shifts uncomfortably. "I'm sorry..."
I shake my head, sending tears flying in all directions. "Don't be. I hope," I gulp air, trying to sound as sincere as I can, "I hope you're happy."
"'Keru..." Now he's crying, too. In a sudden impulsive movement, he grabs me and pulls me close, sliding one hand behind my head and another round my back, holding me tighter than ever before. I water his chest with hot tears, clinging desperately to him.
"There'll be others," he says pleadingly. "Other boys, better than me, nicer than me. Boys who'll treat you properly, like you deserve. Boys who'll give you everything..." There's so much of a question in his voice that I expect to hear a plaintive 'Won't there?' as he finishes.
I twist in his arms till I can look up at him, at his tear-streaked face surrounded by rain-soaked hair. "No. There won't." Almost of its own accord, my hand comes up to touch his cheek. "Only you."
His eyes widen, and I can't take it any more. I push him away roughly. "Go on. Go."
He reaches for me; I ignore him, but he grabs me anyway, pulling me back and around and up to meet his lips in the most painful, heartbreaking kiss of my life.
I grab his shoulders, push myself away from him and shout "Go!" with all the force I can muster. He steps back, turns, runs off - and I start crying uncontrollably.
I fall to my knees, crying so hard I can't breathe, hugging his jacket tightly to my chest, alone in the cold wet night.

* *

By the time I get back to the lighted doorway the tears are spilling down my cheeks. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it hurt more than anything. The look on his face...god, I can't believe I was the cause of that. So much pain, so much sadness. I don't deserve to live...
You're waiting for me in the doorway, with a warm sympathetic smile and open arms that I fall into, holding me close and soothing away my tears. I cry until my throat is raw, until my eyes are burning, and you just hold me.
You've been my rock for so long, my strength, always there for me. I can't believe I cheated on you. You never deserved that.
Eventually I can't cry any more. I feel so empty, and I know nothing is ever going to make me feel whole again. I just want to curl up in a corner and die.

'Keru...I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to see you smile one more time. Every time I told myself, this is it, this is the last time I'm doing this, but I couldn't live without your smile.
And Matt...you're so wonderful, and you ought to be with someone else. Not me. I'm a cheater, a liar, a piece of scum. Go on, let me go, let me get out of your life for good. No, don't hold me tighter. Let me go. Please...

I can't do it. Your arms are so warm, so inviting. My eyelids close; I force them open, only to have them close again. I'm so tired, exhausted. I...

* *

I lower you gently onto the sofa, fetch a blanket and drape it over you. I feel so awful - your cheeks are still streaked with drying tears, your face red and blotchy. I can't believe I did this...
I don't know whether I did the right thing. I know it couldn't go on, but I didn't have to call it out into the open. Maybe I should have just slipped away quietly, let him have you. He seemed to love you so much, more than I ever could.
But...looking down on you, curled up on my sofa, I know I couldn't have done that.

I lean down, tracing a finger across your lips, careful not to wake you. I feel so strongly about you...can I call it love? I don't know, I just don't know. When you're near me it's like my world's finally complete. Is that love? When I wake up in the morning I think about you; when I go to bed at night I dream about you. Is that love?
Did TK love you? Does he know how? Is that why you ran to him - didn't I love you enough? I'm so scared, Tai, so afraid you'll leave me again. Maybe if I say I love you more, sound like I mean it, maybe you'll stay.
Please stay. I couldn't bear to be without you...

* *

I stumble across the bridge, heading for home, but something changes my mind. Something tells me my mum won't be best pleased to have me come in so late at night, soaked to the skin and obviously having been crying. She'd want to know what was wrong, I know I'd have to tell her, and then all hell would break loose.
No. Instead I head for the park. I need to clear my head - a walk'll do me good.

I was so wrong. Being here conjures up so many memories of me and Tai. We used to come here late in the evenings, when it was relatively safe - we'd sit on one of the benches, screened behind a row of bushes, and steal heady kisses. Every touch made me tingle - fingertips brushing across lips, wrists, faces; shoeless feet circling ankles and trailing up calves. I knew it was wrong, of course, knew he was with Matt, but I couldn't help myself. He made me feel wonderful, warm and loved. I'd never met anyone who cared about me so fiercely, yet so tenderly.

I can't help it. The tears well up in my eyes again, even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry any more. I collapse onto the bench, wrapping my arms tightly around myself, rocking back and forth as I cry my eyes out. I loved him so much...
It's like an injury, a big gaping wound inside me that won't ever heal. He was never even mine, and now he's gone forever. He'll never smile at me, never touch me, never kiss me again. Ever.

Why? Why him? Why couldn't I have fallen for someone else - Davis, or Ken, or Izzy. Anyone else. Anyone who wasn't with my brother. But no, I had to fall in love with Tai. I'm so stupid, such a fool...
Hot tears spill quietly onto the grass as I cry for what I had and couldn't keep...

* *

I stir, feeling unfamiliar weight covering me - Matt's fallen asleep draped over me, head resting on my chest. I smile carefully, not wanting to feel anything just yet - it hurts too much. His golden hair is spread out over the blanket, shifting gently as he breathes.
I love him, I know I do. I've loved him for years. So why do I feel so empty when I look at him?
No. He's beautiful, perfect, such a wonderful person. If I'm not happy with Matt, who would I be happy with?
'Keru...
No! I made my choice. I couldn't have them both, I know that. I love Matt.
Oh, 'Keru...
I bite my lip, almost drawing blood as my eyes fill up and overflow. I know this choice couldn't have gone any other way - so why do I wish so, so much that it had?

Matt murmurs, opens his eyes, sees me crying. For a second he looks panicky, as though he doesn't know what to do, and then he reaches out for me and takes me in his arms.
I can't believe I'm crying into his shoulder yet again. I've cried more tonight than ever before in my life. And there's no guarantee I won't go on crying...
I lift my head from his chest, staring past his uncomprehending eyes, out into the dark night. My koibito may be here with me, but somewhere out there my itoshii is crying, alone...


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*hits reviewers* You evil, evil people! How could you do that to poor little Takeru? And to poor Tai as well!
Ah, it's not your fault really. This just happened to be one of the few times when my happy-ending-junkieness failed me. I mean, it really wasn't going to end happily, was it?
Excuse me. I've got to go somewhere and cry for a while.

This fic became so much more than I intended. Originally it was just an experiment in POV switching, me trying to see if I could write from three very different perspectives. Obviously it worked - people felt sorry for TK, Tai and Matt by turns, and got angry at TK, Tai and Matt by turns.
But somewhere along the line, this fic really started to grow. It practically took over my head every time I sat down to write it, demanding my full attention and deserving it too. I'm so glad I wrote it, and so, so happy that you enjoyed it.
Lynne and I would just like to thank everyone who reviewed and voted - thank you all so much. Special mentions go out to AtheneMiranda, as usual, Debra, as usual, energy and jkb. I love you all, guys.
Oh, and...drop me one last review on your way out?