Title: Never Before

Author: Zierra

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Only in my dreams……………

Starring: Squall, Seifer and indirectly Zell.

Story: Zell is killed during a mission, and Squall tries to deal with it. In the process he gets involved with Seifer and manages to puzzle something resembling a life together. But his past is far from finished with him.

A/N: I had a dream, where all of this happened. Me being the observer and narrator. I'm not 100 % sure, but I think it actually WERE Zell and Squall I dreamt of… Seifer not being the guy Squall "recovered" with, but if I used that guy, it would be TOO sick, so I took Seifer instead, a very good replacement I might add!

Please Read and Review, and if you're really nice, I might write something for you… Or maybe with you!!! =o)

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NEVER BEFORE

"It had been supposed to be a routine mission. Go in, accomplish, get out. For nine of the ten SeeDs that had gone, it had been. But for one, it became the last mission, ever."

Squall had read the newspaper article over and over the past hour, but he refused to believe it. Zell couldn't be dead. He were supposed to come home to Squall, give him a deep kiss, smile seductively and take Squall for the ride of his life. He'd told Squall so, the day he'd left.

"Don't worry baby, I'll be back soon. And I promise I'll make it up to you."

The kiss was teasing, lovingly, and Squall hated the council for picking Zell to lead this mission.

Zell was about to go into the Ragnarok when Squall suddenly grabbed his arm.

" Wait, it's something I want you to have."

He reached inside his shirt, pulling out the thin silver chain he always wore around his neck.

" It's cheesy, I know. But I'd feel better if I knew you had it."

Zell had looked at the necklace, taking a deep breath.

" Squall….. I can't, it's too much. It's your…."
" No", Squall cut him short. " It's yours now. As long as you're with me, it's yours."

Zell blinked a few times, Squall knew he tried to hide the tears in his eyes.

" Thank you."
" No Zell. Thank you for all the things you've done for me. Thank you, for loving me and letting me love you."
It had been a little to sappy for being Squall. But when with Zell, he didn't care. The boy deserved all the credit he got. He wanted Zell to know how much he cared, how deep his love went.

The necklace had been his as long as he'd remembered. When he'd been an orphan, it had been the only material thing that had been his. No one had been allowed to touch it, or try it on. It was all his. His life, his past.

Somehow it fitted Zell even more now, thinking of that. Zell had been his life, was his life. And now also his past. More tears formed in his eyes, but he forced them back. Zell wouldn't want him to cry.

" Remember me with respect, not sorrow", was something Zell always said, whenever he was talking about death. They all lived under the weight of their deaths. One day, all of them knew, that their time was up, and it was time to leave, say good-bye. Being a SeeD meant that you couldn't say good-bye. If you died on a mission, no one saw you again, ever. You arrived in a coffin, and buried. No one never opened the coffin. There was in general never much left of the victim after being killed on the field.

Squall didn't even want to think about what was left, or not, of his beloved Zell.

A knock on the door painfully pulled him back to reality, the one where he was a Commander, not a grieving boyfriend.

" Enter."
The door opened and Seifer came in. Squall bit his lip. Seifer had been his best friend for a few months now, when they were literally forced into friendship by Zell, their hate and anger towards each other, locked away inside them, Zell holding the key. Now when Zell was gone, would Seifer leave too?

" Is it okay if I…."
Seifer shrugged, seemingly in a loss of words. What could he say, anyway?

Squall nodded. Even though he rather wanted to shrivel up and die, he needed to talk to someone who knew the real story about Leonheart and Dincht.

" Is there something I can do?"

Seifer had always been straight forward, he skipped the "Are you thinking about Zell?", " Are you okay?", " It hurts, right?" and etc, because it was all so obvious.

" I don't know." Squall wasn't sure he wanted help. He'd always been dependent on no one but himself, even though Zell had become a cornerstone, keeping him supported, something Squall desperately needed. But now he was gone, and Squall felt his foundations starting to shake, maybe Seifer could keep him upright until he'd dealt with what have happened.

" If there's anything you need, ask, okay?"
" The only thing I need, can't be brought back." His voice cold, monotone, showing Seifer what was going on inside.

" You also need to keep on living, Squall. If not for your sake, for all the students at Garden. You know what Zell always said. " Garden wouldn't be Garden if Squall Leonheart weren't there to rule." You can't abandon the students, Lion."
Squall glared at Seifer. He didn't need a lecture, he was more than aware of his responsibility.

" If I couldn't keep him alive, Seifer, how can I keep them alive?"
" Because Zell would've demanded it from you. You always did what he wanted."
" You don't know what he wants."
" I know he wanted you. Squall, Zell was always a hot-head. He was the one who made us do things we really didn't wanna do. Don't you think, if he really wanted it, wouldn't he had survived?"
" You're saying he didn't want to come back?" That dangerous glare sparkled in Squalls eyes, and Seifer realized he'd moved to fast.

" No! What I meant, Squall, listen to me now, if he'd been set on returning, he wouldn't have put himself in danger. He always wanted to prove himself to you, be the hero that he thought you wanted him to be. You may not know this, but he had a fix idea, that he'd make you proud. The only way he knew how to do that, was to do something really heroic. The guy thought dying was heroic, Squall. He died for his team, he died for Garden. He died for you."
Every single word Seifer told him, pierced his body with thousands of needles. What made the pain even more intense was the knowledge that every word was true.

" Are you trying to help me, or make me commit suicide?"

Seifer looked at him, compassion is his eyes.

" I'm hurting too, Squall. He was my friend. You may have loved him like a boyfriend, but you weren't the only one loving him. He wasn't your possession, Squall, he wasn't all yours…"
Squall couldn't stop the tears this time. His own sorrow, combined with Seifers, made them superior. He drew a deep breath.

" I never thought that, Seifer. Never. I know he loved you all, and I'm not jealous. But he was the first one I ever told what I felt. I never, before I met him, told anyone anything about me. The less they know, the better. It's like you're in the middle of the sea, and your life west is taken from you, and you don't have the strength to swim."

Holding back the sobs, he lifted his head, looking into Seifers green eyes.

" I don't know what do to, Seifer. I feel so lost….……."

He leaned his forehead against his desk, and cried, maybe for the first time in his life.

Seifer wasn't sure what to do. Seeing the one person he thought invincible cry, altered his visions about life. He realized that no one can take everything thrown at them, and he reconsidered his thoughts about Squall. He leaned forwards, laying a hand in Squalls shoulder, feeling them shake.

" I'll help you find your way, Lion."

Squall raised his head, eyes red and wet. He looked so vulnerable. And with thousands of thought whirling in his head, Seifer leaned down and lightly taking Squalls trembling lips with his own.

The following thirty seconds the two ex-enemies was lost somewhere where sorrow didn't exist, where Zells death hadn't reached them, and never would. But they couldn't stay there forever, and when the kiss ended, both of them felt the guilt drench their minds.

" Oh Hyne, what….?" Squall stared at the photo on his desk, picturing Zell at his finest. Blond hair spiked, head slightly turned to show the tattoo, lips curled in that seductive smile Squall always surrendered to. " How could I!"

Seifer swallowed hard and took a deep breath, he also regretting the kiss. No, not the kiss, the timing of it.

" Squall, I'm sorry…"
The Commander slowly lifted his head, eyes gleaming with anger and tears.

" You." His voice was as cold as it could get, but not for that sake unemotional. On the contrary. Suppressed, boiling, long forgotten hate rushed through Squalls exterior, coloring his face slightly red in an attempt to control it.

" Listen…" Seifers voice was broken, hoarse.

" No. I'm through listening to you. I thought you were my friend, and Zells, after that "tearful" bullshit speech you gave me! Apparently you don't care more for Zell, or me! That you take advantage of me the first chance you get." Squall took a few warning steps closer to Seifer, who wearily backed away, not very eager to stand in the path of Squalls rage. " Seifer, if I could make something undone, I would have send you instead of Zell, regardless of his protests. Rather having him mad at me and alive, then you here, kissing me! If you don't leave my office this second, I'm personally gonna see to that you get the same fate my lover faced. Although, I hope your death will be much more painful!"

Seifer felt his insides turn to knots upon hearing someone wanting him dead, not the least the man he'd considered friend for almost half a year. But there was no space for comments, protests or pleadings. Squalls mind was set, and maybe he wasn't all wrong. Seifer had taken advantage of him. But he decided he wouldn't leave without some sort of reply. Closing on the door, he turned around, facing Squall, giving him his most believable expression, his most honourable.

" I did it for you Squall, believe it or not."
Then he turned and left.

Squall tried not to burst into tears once again. One time was one time too many. Even if they had been for Zell. He had no idea what to feel, so he let them mix in a medley of emotions. The situation was, if possible, feeling even more hopeless.

He couldn't deny that he'd felt something when Seifer kissed him. Security, friendship, support, understanding, even love. But after the kiss, there was more: jealously, betrayal, hopelessness, hurt, anger….even love.

He shook his head. It was to much at one time, he needed to reflect, needed to talk. But to whom? There weren't a big variety of friends Squall could choose from. It had always been Zell, and Seifer. Both out of the question now.

One out of his life.

" Maybe they both are", the said to himself, not having the strength to think. " I need to get away."

His eyes fell on a file laying in his desk. It was a mission he was supposed to send a team of SeeDs on. Maybe he should…..

It was obvious throughout Garden that something was horribly wrong with their Commander. He acted, if possible, even more ignorant towards others, and he went on pretty much every mission. Seifer knew why. He sought redemption. After their "encounter" in Squalls office, they hadn't talked. But Seifer had a feeling that they needed it, they had to get things into the open. Not holding it inside, like Squall did. Physical pain didn't make emotional pain go away. He knew that for a fact. But how could he make Squall see that, how could he make him understand, that it was all for his own good? Then he made a decision. One that proved to be the most crucial he'd ever make.

When he knocked on Cids door, it took a while before he got confirmation to step inside.

Cid sat at his desk, paperwork to his ears.

" What do you want, Almasy. I don't have time with smalltalk, now when our "Commander" has lowered himself to mission status…. again."
Seifer sighed. There was no return now.

" Cid, I have a proposition for you."

Cid put the file he was reading on the desk, taking of his glasses, eyes focusing on Seifer.

" And that would be…?"
" I want to go back to mission status, to keep an eye on Squall."
" Keep an eye on Squall? You don't think he can take care of himself?"
" Not in the state he's in now, no."
" And what state would that be?"
" Personal, sir. But he's endangering himself, and others, if he keeps this up." Cid nodded, and thoughtful wrinkle appeared on his forehead.

" Personal, you say. This would have anything to do with the death of Zell Dincht, would it?"

Seifer wet his lips, eyes fixed on the floor.

" They were very close, sir. You know that."
" Yes, they were. Sad incident, that what happened. So, Squall is trying to right a wrong."
Cid pondered for a moment.

" Alright, Almasy. The next mission is in Esthar. Departure in two days. Better get yourself ready, Seifer."
He nodded, shifting his weight onto his other foot.

" Sir, there's another thing I'd like to ask."
" Oh?"

" Don't tell Squall I'm going. He'd make such a fuss about it. It may cause a lot of… "inconveniences" for everyone involved."

" I have a hard time seeing Squall "make fuss" about anything, but I guess you're right. Fine, I won't tell Squall. And Almasy", he added when Seifer headed for the door. " I hope you have it perfectly clear what you're getting yourself into. It's not a walk in the park, especially for someone who hasn't had a mission for three years."
" Sir, I'm in as good shape as anyone around here, don't worry. And I'm very well aware of what I'm doing."
Cid nodded, slowly.

" I hope the outcome is what you expect, Seifer."
" I hope so too, sir."
" Good, I'd hate to regret my decision. I don't need more dead SeeDs right now."
" I'm not SeeD, Cid."
" I know." Seifer exited the door. Cid leant back in his chair, sucking on the frames on his glasses. " May the force be with you, Almasy."

As Seifer guessed, Squall made a big deal out of him going on the mission, but there was no time to argue, they couldn't afford getting behind on their timetable.

" But if you make one mistake, Almasy, I'll make sure you regret you did this. For whatever reason it may have been."
" You do that, Lion", Seifer thought, trying the sharpness on Hyperion. His weapon hadn't been laying useless in his closet, as many seemed to think. He'd trained as much as any SeeD, if not more. He could take care of himself, no mistakes. The question was: Could he take care of both himself and Squall. It seemed like the Lion's will to die was getting the best of him.

" I'm not gonna let you die, Lion. I'm not. If there's one way to make you see that you're still loved, still needed, I'm gonna find it. With or without your permission."

Squall leaned against Ragnarok and sighed. It had been a tough mission. The sweat was dripping from his temples, and he had a wound on his arm. The T-rexuar they'd surprisingly met, hadn't even come near him, so someone else must've cut him. And as soon as the blood started pouring, he'd been dragged away, at least three SeeDs and a few cadets, worried that he'd been badly injured.

He glanced towards Seifer who stood a few paces away, wiping blood from Hyperion.

Who's blood is it, Almasy? The T-rexuars, or mine…. ? There was hardly any doubt that Seifer was there only to watch over him, which made Squall mad. He didn't need a babysitter. He could take care of himself. He didn't want to, but he could.

Why did you have to die, Zell. I need you so bad, I can't stand it anymore.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Seifer look at him. Squall sighed and bit his lower lip. He was overreacting. At least someone cared for him, still. He needed it, badly.

He decided to give Seifer a chance. Their friendship for the past years hadn't been totally meaningless. Squall also new why Seifer was doing it, and even if he hated it, it was nice not to be in charge of his own life, for once.

But it was still with hesitant steps that Squall approached Seifer.

The latter barley glanced at him, before sheathing Hyperion and slowly started to walk away from everyone, to somewhere more private. Squall followed.

" Seifer."

" Yes?"

" Why?"

" You know why."

Squall stopped.

" Why, Seifer?" he stopped too, but didn't turn around.

" I've seen you around him, Squall. I've seen you. I'm not gonna let that Squall disappear, and I don't care how much you want him to!"

" But it hurts, Seifer. I remember him everyday, but out here, the pain doesn't hurt, if you can understand."
" Yes, Lion, I can understand. But you can't heal, if you don't admit your wounds."

" So you say it's better that I lay in my bed, almost exploding from misery, instead of making some use out here? Seifer, this is what I became a SeeD for. It was not to sit behind a desk and sign papers. It was not to give others orders to save the world. I wanted to participate, make my strength count. Help."
" You're coming off track here. This has not to do with your current employment, Commander Leonhart, but all to do with your mental health."
" So now you're calling me crazy?"

" Yes. Or at least temporarily delusional. You are, if you think that this will help you get over Zell. You're treating him like some kind of used thing you got sick of, and instead of throwing it away, you keep it somewhere you can't see it."
With a growl, Squall launched at Seifer, knocking him to the ground, pinning him down.

" Listen smart ass. A few minutes ago I was willing to give you a chance, thinking maybe it was what I need. But I guess you're right. I am temporarily delusional, for thinking so. Seifer, I don't wish this pain on you, but until you lose someone like I have, you are in no position to tell me what and what not to do. And last, I still love Zell with all my heart, I have not just hidden him somewhere. HE'S FUCKING DEAD! THAT'S what's bothering me, Seifer. That he's gone, and not coming back. I need to deal with it my own way! Not having you interfering. Do we agree?"
Seifer was silent for a while before coming to a conclusion.

" Yes, we agree. But I have a….suggestion."

" What?"

" Vacation. Go away for a while. Forget about Garden. Just….deal. Deal with life….and death. It'll do you good."
" I'll think about it."

Releasing Seifer from the ground, Squall pulled his jacket on straight and took a deep breath.

" They're soon leaving without us, we have to go. Remember what we talked about. I don't want more of these….discussions." Seifer nodded and they both walked back to Ragnarok, a safe distance between each other.

The silence in his room soon became too deafening. He needed a distraction. He pondered going to the training centre for a good old killing rampage, but he'd promised Seifer not to put himself in unnecessary danger.

As he rubbed his forehead in an attempt to get rid of the headache he'd been having, Squalls gaze fell upon a photograph of himself, Zell, Quistis, Selphie and Seifer in Esthar. They'd had a great time.

He bit his lip and let his limited imagination create an image of himself on a sun-drenched beach.

He picked up his phone and called Cid.

" Yes?"
" It's Commander Leonhart. I'm going on vacation."

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Would you believe it! I kept my promise, here is my Gothenburg-inspired story, which took me forever to write. Second chapter ready to be updated, just waiting for the reviews!!!