A.N. *yawn* Man, I wish I would quite leaving you guys hanging. While I
would like to watch my Lion King video for inspiration, a couple nights
before I started this fic, I was watching it. I put it in the VCR in the
TV downstairs and the damn thing ate it! I had that tape for seven
frickin' years! Stupid VCR. Not only that, but TLK isn't on shelves
anymore! So I can't even buy a replacement! I am still fuming over it. I
cried (lets be honest), I bawled my eyes out over it...I miss my movie.. So
I dedicate this fanfic in remembrance of The Lion King video I loved so
much. I had the lines memorized by the time I was seven.
~~~Today on Lion King~~~
*deep in the ---uh forest?---JUNGLE!---we find our hero and his "just friends" lounging around gazing at the stars. A mighty roar could be heard rumbling though the cascades (Pumbaa sheepishly apologized and promptly began pumping himself back up with the bike pump).
"BUUUUUUUUURP!" Simba let out his triumphant roar. Timon and Pumbaa applauded for his victory in the contest.
"Okay, okay, you win this time Simba." Timon acquiesced.
Pumbaa felt like trying to be smart so prompted the question of what did they think the sparkly lights in the sky where in an attempt to appear philosophical. Timon desperately wanted to smack him upside the head, but he didn't want the neighbors or police to label him a bitch beater, so he kept his hands tuck behind his head.
"They're little diamonds for the Martians to mine." Timon answered.
"I think you are wrong, dear friend. Let us prompt our other companion and partner for all these years. Oh, Simba. What do you believe the answer of our query may be? I always thought they were balls of gas burning---"
"Who gives a rat's ass?!" Simba growled, "They're friggin' STARS for cryin' out loud! Geez!"
"You mean they really ARE balls of gas burning billions of miles away?" Pumbaa asked.
"Pumbaa, with you, everything's balls." Timon chorted.
"Hey, Simba. Why don't you have some kooky and fun-a-licious answer for our little inquiry?
Simba didn't know how to even answer that one. He thought back to the last time he really LOOKED at the stars...
..:: "Just tear me a new one."::..
..:: "Yeah, I'm sure you'd like that wouldn't you?"::..
..:: "I'm going home."::..
..:: "Oh, be nicccccccce!"::..
....Simba shook himself back to reality. ..::Nope, I still don't know why the sight of stars angers me::..
He got up and walked away from his life partners and flopped down on a small ledge yards away. Lots of grass and dandelion junk fly up into the air spelling SEX for a moment and then fly away towards the pridelands.
~~```~~~Pridelands~~``~~``
Rafiki snatched the seeds and leaves out of the air as they floated to him. Taking a big whiff of the stuff, he fell back into his tree with a doped up smile. The chronic really loosened him up (well, more than he was before, anyway). Then, as he was sniffing it more, he finally saw the message it held.
"SEX. Oh, boy! He's alive and soliciting sex by wind-mail! Man, and I bought those porn mail blockers on the internet too! Oh, well. Time to go fetch our little kingy poo and bring his treasonous ass back here!"
Rafiki picked up his cane and headed for the edge of his tree home, but then spied his tail flowing behind him so he prompting dropped his stick and began chasing it like and idiot. Or a chipmink on crack, however you wanna look at it...
Finally catching it by sundown that day, Rafiki remember what he had forgotten all about. He picked up his cane and ran to find Sarabi.
The queen was lounging near a boulder when he ran up screeching like a --- well, baboon. He immediately began to fling poo and jump up and down shaking his cane. It wasn't all his poo, but I can say a vast majority was.
~~``~~``~~Meanwhile, back in the jungle..~~``~~``~~
"Through out your hands. Stick out your tush. Hands on your hips. Give 'em a push. You'll be surprised you doing the French Mistake! Voila!"
Timon and Pumbaa were engrossing themselves into little tunes while prancing down the trails of the jungle. Timon led the way while Pumbaa brought up the rear. Timon was going off into a solo of "Let's Do the Time Warp Again," when Pumbaa got distracted by a grub and followed it off the trail. Timon didn't even notice.
Pumbaa was still keeping the tune at a low voice as he crept up on the unsuspecting worm. As he peeked over a log, he spied something in the tall grass yards away..What was it? Could it be?.... No, it was just a boulder. He continued his stalk. A lioness leapt out from behind him in the jungle and slashed his ass up something terrible. It would take more than Flintstone band-aids to fix THAT one. Not only that, but he dropped his bike pump. Man, sucks to be that pig-a-roo.
He ran squealing like a ---well, pig-through the jungle back to Timon, who at that time was beginning the first few bars of "Bye, Bye, Bye". Pumbaa, like the dumbass he is, jammed himself up under a tree root. Fortunately for him, he was losing gas anyway, so he slipped out shortly. Unfortunately, for Timon, the lioness leapt onto the poor meerkat as he tried to push Pumbaa away.
Tossing him about like a friggin' rag doll, the lioness roared and growled attracting the attention of Simba who happened to be nearby. He leapt over and bounded to the attack, but stopped short when he saw just how fierce the fight was. ..:: Hmm, too much for me::.. he thought. And pranced away. The lioness saw him skipping off and thought ..:: Boy, that feminine strut looks familiar::.. She dropped the now limp meerkat when it occurred to her.
"SIMBA!" she called and sprang onto her thought to be dead friend.
He threw her off, "Heeeeeey, I ain't like that sista'."
Nala cocked her eyebrow but then her eyes brightened, "It really IS you! I knew you would turn out this way!"
"What way?"
"Oh, you know.." she rolled her eyes.
"I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!"
"Oh, sure, you came to live with two guys in a jungle just for the eggrolls."
"Geez, I came here because they let me be me and never said otherwise! I mean, yeah, I would wake up with severe pains in my butt-hole for unknown reasons,"
Timon and Pumbaa looked at each other.
"But that has nothing to do with my sexuality!" Simba started huffing.
"Okay! Don't get your panties in a bunch." Nala mumbled.
Timon and Pumbaa crept away to the bushes, and watched the two reminisce of the good ol' times.
"Shut the F#@% up you C%#@! I don't need you to show up here and tell me who I am and who I am not!"
"I wouldn't have to if you would just admit it! It is okay, Simba. We'll still love you."
Timon sighed, "Just look at those two. I tell ya' Pumbaa 'dis be some funky ass shit."
"Whatever do you mean, dearest companion and ally with every move I make, every step I take, you'll be watching me?"
Timon blinked, "I can see what's happening."
Pumbaa: What?
Timon: And you can't buy a clue
Pumbaa: Who?
Timon: He'll change his love and leave us on the line, no more of dat pussy (cat) for you.
Pumbaa: Oh
Timon: No more caress of lion hide. No more furballs in your hair. And with this little Nancy-boy actress here, he'll be left without a caaaaaare
Some unidentifiable voice belts out over the jungle and wraps its melody around the too love birds (yeah right).
Do you fear rebuff tonight? Will he ever see? The girl for once will let him sleep with her, if only he weren't gaaaaaaaay..
Simba and Nala strode up to a pond and began to drink. Simba thought to himself as he watched her..
Simba: How many ways to tell her. About the part of me.. That I can't seem to face. Impossible..She already sees it in me...
Nala looked up: I can't imagine what he's been riding. Not that I'd want to know. Why won't he just admit that thing he is, it has really started to shooooow.
Simba yanked her tail and she scratched his face. Oooooh, cat fight! (Oh, I am so good at puns). Nala bitch slapped him and he hissed in return. He grabbed her hair and pulled it down. She did the same so it became a hair pulling contest.
He eventually lost because, I mean, DAMN! He has all that hair! He ran away and Nala chased after until they came to a hill which they tumbled down because they didn't see it though it WAS right in front of them (geez, this sounds familiar).
Simba came out on top. They were too busy trying to catch their breaths to really notice. Nala herself, got the wind knock out of her from his tremendous girth. Simba was panting when all of a sudden, he felt some thing strange going on down below.
Nala gasped, "Simba!"
He was speechless.
That strange unidentifiable voice came up again, this time louder.
Can you feel the boner tonight? Finally he's 'da kiiiiiiing. Now we know, he wasn't gay after all. Just a bisexuaaaaaaaaaaaaal.
Timon: So now -- the call -- has made -- its ring, they will be consuuuuumed
Pumbaa: They'll marry in days - like nature intended-
T/P: Without our paaaaaaal, we're doooooooooooooomed
They glanced around at all the predators that had gathered around them. No more protection from the lion.
They began to cry...
~~~~Oh you guys..~~~
A.N.: *sniff* I miss my video tape..It died. It was brutally murdered by the VCR. And because of my parents crooked justice system- It walked! That damn thing still sits in our kitchen without punishment for the murder. Funeral services for the Lion King video tape will be held in my backyard. It will have the finest shoebox money can buy. It is survived by its sequel and the Disney Corporation. I will always have the case it came in to remember it by.. (
~~~Today on Lion King~~~
*deep in the ---uh forest?---JUNGLE!---we find our hero and his "just friends" lounging around gazing at the stars. A mighty roar could be heard rumbling though the cascades (Pumbaa sheepishly apologized and promptly began pumping himself back up with the bike pump).
"BUUUUUUUUURP!" Simba let out his triumphant roar. Timon and Pumbaa applauded for his victory in the contest.
"Okay, okay, you win this time Simba." Timon acquiesced.
Pumbaa felt like trying to be smart so prompted the question of what did they think the sparkly lights in the sky where in an attempt to appear philosophical. Timon desperately wanted to smack him upside the head, but he didn't want the neighbors or police to label him a bitch beater, so he kept his hands tuck behind his head.
"They're little diamonds for the Martians to mine." Timon answered.
"I think you are wrong, dear friend. Let us prompt our other companion and partner for all these years. Oh, Simba. What do you believe the answer of our query may be? I always thought they were balls of gas burning---"
"Who gives a rat's ass?!" Simba growled, "They're friggin' STARS for cryin' out loud! Geez!"
"You mean they really ARE balls of gas burning billions of miles away?" Pumbaa asked.
"Pumbaa, with you, everything's balls." Timon chorted.
"Hey, Simba. Why don't you have some kooky and fun-a-licious answer for our little inquiry?
Simba didn't know how to even answer that one. He thought back to the last time he really LOOKED at the stars...
..:: "Just tear me a new one."::..
..:: "Yeah, I'm sure you'd like that wouldn't you?"::..
..:: "I'm going home."::..
..:: "Oh, be nicccccccce!"::..
....Simba shook himself back to reality. ..::Nope, I still don't know why the sight of stars angers me::..
He got up and walked away from his life partners and flopped down on a small ledge yards away. Lots of grass and dandelion junk fly up into the air spelling SEX for a moment and then fly away towards the pridelands.
~~```~~~Pridelands~~``~~``
Rafiki snatched the seeds and leaves out of the air as they floated to him. Taking a big whiff of the stuff, he fell back into his tree with a doped up smile. The chronic really loosened him up (well, more than he was before, anyway). Then, as he was sniffing it more, he finally saw the message it held.
"SEX. Oh, boy! He's alive and soliciting sex by wind-mail! Man, and I bought those porn mail blockers on the internet too! Oh, well. Time to go fetch our little kingy poo and bring his treasonous ass back here!"
Rafiki picked up his cane and headed for the edge of his tree home, but then spied his tail flowing behind him so he prompting dropped his stick and began chasing it like and idiot. Or a chipmink on crack, however you wanna look at it...
Finally catching it by sundown that day, Rafiki remember what he had forgotten all about. He picked up his cane and ran to find Sarabi.
The queen was lounging near a boulder when he ran up screeching like a --- well, baboon. He immediately began to fling poo and jump up and down shaking his cane. It wasn't all his poo, but I can say a vast majority was.
~~``~~``~~Meanwhile, back in the jungle..~~``~~``~~
"Through out your hands. Stick out your tush. Hands on your hips. Give 'em a push. You'll be surprised you doing the French Mistake! Voila!"
Timon and Pumbaa were engrossing themselves into little tunes while prancing down the trails of the jungle. Timon led the way while Pumbaa brought up the rear. Timon was going off into a solo of "Let's Do the Time Warp Again," when Pumbaa got distracted by a grub and followed it off the trail. Timon didn't even notice.
Pumbaa was still keeping the tune at a low voice as he crept up on the unsuspecting worm. As he peeked over a log, he spied something in the tall grass yards away..What was it? Could it be?.... No, it was just a boulder. He continued his stalk. A lioness leapt out from behind him in the jungle and slashed his ass up something terrible. It would take more than Flintstone band-aids to fix THAT one. Not only that, but he dropped his bike pump. Man, sucks to be that pig-a-roo.
He ran squealing like a ---well, pig-through the jungle back to Timon, who at that time was beginning the first few bars of "Bye, Bye, Bye". Pumbaa, like the dumbass he is, jammed himself up under a tree root. Fortunately for him, he was losing gas anyway, so he slipped out shortly. Unfortunately, for Timon, the lioness leapt onto the poor meerkat as he tried to push Pumbaa away.
Tossing him about like a friggin' rag doll, the lioness roared and growled attracting the attention of Simba who happened to be nearby. He leapt over and bounded to the attack, but stopped short when he saw just how fierce the fight was. ..:: Hmm, too much for me::.. he thought. And pranced away. The lioness saw him skipping off and thought ..:: Boy, that feminine strut looks familiar::.. She dropped the now limp meerkat when it occurred to her.
"SIMBA!" she called and sprang onto her thought to be dead friend.
He threw her off, "Heeeeeey, I ain't like that sista'."
Nala cocked her eyebrow but then her eyes brightened, "It really IS you! I knew you would turn out this way!"
"What way?"
"Oh, you know.." she rolled her eyes.
"I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!"
"Oh, sure, you came to live with two guys in a jungle just for the eggrolls."
"Geez, I came here because they let me be me and never said otherwise! I mean, yeah, I would wake up with severe pains in my butt-hole for unknown reasons,"
Timon and Pumbaa looked at each other.
"But that has nothing to do with my sexuality!" Simba started huffing.
"Okay! Don't get your panties in a bunch." Nala mumbled.
Timon and Pumbaa crept away to the bushes, and watched the two reminisce of the good ol' times.
"Shut the F#@% up you C%#@! I don't need you to show up here and tell me who I am and who I am not!"
"I wouldn't have to if you would just admit it! It is okay, Simba. We'll still love you."
Timon sighed, "Just look at those two. I tell ya' Pumbaa 'dis be some funky ass shit."
"Whatever do you mean, dearest companion and ally with every move I make, every step I take, you'll be watching me?"
Timon blinked, "I can see what's happening."
Pumbaa: What?
Timon: And you can't buy a clue
Pumbaa: Who?
Timon: He'll change his love and leave us on the line, no more of dat pussy (cat) for you.
Pumbaa: Oh
Timon: No more caress of lion hide. No more furballs in your hair. And with this little Nancy-boy actress here, he'll be left without a caaaaaare
Some unidentifiable voice belts out over the jungle and wraps its melody around the too love birds (yeah right).
Do you fear rebuff tonight? Will he ever see? The girl for once will let him sleep with her, if only he weren't gaaaaaaaay..
Simba and Nala strode up to a pond and began to drink. Simba thought to himself as he watched her..
Simba: How many ways to tell her. About the part of me.. That I can't seem to face. Impossible..She already sees it in me...
Nala looked up: I can't imagine what he's been riding. Not that I'd want to know. Why won't he just admit that thing he is, it has really started to shooooow.
Simba yanked her tail and she scratched his face. Oooooh, cat fight! (Oh, I am so good at puns). Nala bitch slapped him and he hissed in return. He grabbed her hair and pulled it down. She did the same so it became a hair pulling contest.
He eventually lost because, I mean, DAMN! He has all that hair! He ran away and Nala chased after until they came to a hill which they tumbled down because they didn't see it though it WAS right in front of them (geez, this sounds familiar).
Simba came out on top. They were too busy trying to catch their breaths to really notice. Nala herself, got the wind knock out of her from his tremendous girth. Simba was panting when all of a sudden, he felt some thing strange going on down below.
Nala gasped, "Simba!"
He was speechless.
That strange unidentifiable voice came up again, this time louder.
Can you feel the boner tonight? Finally he's 'da kiiiiiiing. Now we know, he wasn't gay after all. Just a bisexuaaaaaaaaaaaaal.
Timon: So now -- the call -- has made -- its ring, they will be consuuuuumed
Pumbaa: They'll marry in days - like nature intended-
T/P: Without our paaaaaaal, we're doooooooooooooomed
They glanced around at all the predators that had gathered around them. No more protection from the lion.
They began to cry...
~~~~Oh you guys..~~~
A.N.: *sniff* I miss my video tape..It died. It was brutally murdered by the VCR. And because of my parents crooked justice system- It walked! That damn thing still sits in our kitchen without punishment for the murder. Funeral services for the Lion King video tape will be held in my backyard. It will have the finest shoebox money can buy. It is survived by its sequel and the Disney Corporation. I will always have the case it came in to remember it by.. (