Copyright and Author's Rambling
How many times do I have to list the standard copyright procedure? If you recognize characters from the show, then they belong to Larry Gelbart. If you've never heard of them in your life (and nobody on those M*A*S*H boards seems to recognize them from any of the 256? Episodes of the eleven-year run), then they most likely belong to moi.
The title of this chapter (and the following lyrics) is from the song Taking You Home, written by Don Henley, Stan Lynch, and Stuart Brawley, and performed by Don Henley.
I had a good life
Before you came
I had my friends and my freedom
I had my name
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
Oh, in this love I found strength I never knew I had
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you home
Chapter Two: Taking You Home
O'Reilly Farm
Ottumwa, Iowa
Sunday, April 25, 1954
Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly dug his toe into the carpet. What's taking it so long? He wondered agitatedly. When he was younger, he believed that babies were hatched out of eggs. Right now, he wished that were the case – that way, he wouldn't have to listen to Patty scream and not be able to do a single thing to help her.
"Sit down, Walter," Edna O'Reilly ordered as she left the "maternity ward". "Heaven knows you're gonna wear a hole right in this here carpet."
"How is she?" he asked.
"Coming along just fine," the old woman assured her son.
"It's been nearly nineteen hours!" Walter protested. "I'm going in there."
His mother blocked the door. "Sonny, I been told to keep you outside. That room's for the doctor and the womenfolk."
"Yet?" Park Sung inquired, wiping his mud-stained hands on his trousers.
"Get in that bathroom and wash those dirty hands," Edna ordered.
Walter gave the young man a sympathetic shrug. "Not yet," he told him. The sixteen-year-old had arrived in Ottumwa less than a year earlier – the O'Reillys needed help running the farm and Park Sung needed an education and a safe place (preferably away from the war) to grow crops – now Edna and Walter couldn't picture the farm without him. As a fatherless only child, Walter had adopted many surrogate family members over the years. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake had been like a father and Captain Hawkeye Pierce had been like an older brother; within several months, Park Sung had become an adopted kid brother. The young man had been his best man at his wedding. To his mother: "Says who?"
"Patricia and your Ma." Edna O'Reilly was one of the only people he knew who called people by their full names. "Why, you fainted when Bessie gave birth just last month," she reminded him.
Walter ignored his mother and entered the room. Patty smiled through the sweat and managed to give his hand a squeeze.
"Save all that squeezing for the baby," he told her.
"What are you doing in here?" the expectant mother asked through gritted teeth.
"You didn't really think I was gonna wait outside, did you?"
From the moment he and Patty Haven first met, he knew that she was "the one". She was the hypothetical girl that Hawkeye told him he was saving himself for. Shortly after returning home from Korea, he had looked her up. One good thing about being a company clerk was learning how to deal with telephone operators. In ten minutes flat, he was hearing her voice on the other end of the phone.
He had been so ecstatic when she accepted his proposal, that he had immediately put a call in to the good old 4077th. He'd forgotten that it was only four in the morning. Klinger was ready to kill the jerk that interrupted his sleep, until he recognized the voice on the other end of the line. The cross-dressing corporal woke up an equally grumpy Captain Hawkeye Pierce under the pretense that a "three-star general with half his marbles missing" was demanding to speak to him. This wasn't the first time Radar had impersonated a higher-ranking officer before. "Captain Pierce?" he had growled in a low voice. "This is General Clark Kent. You ruined a fine evening at the Pink Pagoda. My nurse would have performed beautifully if you hadn't interrupted." He intercepted the captain's protestations with threats to "lock you up in the stockade." "Now, I like to consider myself a fair man. But I have no choice but to order you to report directly to my headquarters … in Ottumwa, Iowa." "Radar?" Hawkeye finally muttered in disbelief. "How ya doing, Hawkeye?" It was hard to tell who was more excited – Radar or his old friends at the 4077th.
"Just one more push," the doctor instructed Patty, bringing Walter's focus back to the task at hand.
A tiny wail broke through. "Oh, boy," Walter groaned before he fainted.
* * *
Andersen Apartment
Arlington, Virginia
Tuesday, July 13, 1954
"Pierce," Lorraine Andersen repeated to the clerk. "P-I-E-R-C-E. Pierce. First name: Benjamin."
"There's a Captain Benjamin Pierce from Cleveland, Ohio," he informed her.
"Sounds good to me," she said. I haven't a clue where the hell the man lives. "Is it possible to have a number to reach him?"
"It is against Army regulations to give out personal information."
"Thanks anyway, Corporal," Lorraine said. She hung up the phone. Step one: Locate Ben Pierce – completed. She leaned her head against the couch for a moment, giving herself some time before she made the next phone call.
An infant's wails quickly ended her five-minute respite. Lorraine hoisted herself off the couch and went into the small bedroom. She lifted the two-month-old out of the crib. "There, there," she cooed. "Hush, now. Lorraine is here." It should be "Mama is here," she thought with a twinge of sadness. Diana's shrieks increased in volume, as if she was mirroring the nurse's mood.
As soon as Lorraine Andersen and Margaret Houlihan arrived stateside, the two friends found an apartment to rent. The place was within six blocks walking distance from the V.A. hospital where they were stationed. For a while, it seemed like old times again: staying up late and chatting into the early morning hours, playing practical jokes on each other, and – most importantly – no sounds of war looming over their heads.
The day Margaret returned home from a doctor visit and announced she was pregnant was both an exciting and bittersweet moment. Margaret had always wanted to be a mother, but that would mean – to quote Captain Pierce – "trading in her combat boots for booties." She had resigned from the Army and began searching for a place to live. "You can stay here," Lorraine kept telling her. "This is your apartment, too." The next few months went by pretty smoothly, with Margaret suffering from morning sickness, swelled ankles, strange cravings, and other typical afflictions of pregnant women. Everyone expected the birth to go just as smoothly. Since this was her first child, Margaret's labor lasted over twenty-one hours. It also caused the expectant mother to suffer severe abdominal pain. Instead of ceasing after the delivery was over, the pain worsened. The obstetrician diagnosed abdominal hemorrhaging due to complications from giving birth; she died six hours later.
Lorraine rocked her late friend's daughter in her arms and waited for her to fall back asleep. If it weren't for numerous conversations over the years about the names of future children, or Margaret determining possible names during her pregnancy, she would not have known what to call the child. Margaret had always liked the name "Diana." She suspected "Rose" went with "Diana" or belonged to someone special to her friend.
She placed the infant back into the crib and returned to the telephone. "Operator, I'd like to place a call."
"What party?" the nasally voiced woman inquired.
"Benjamin Pierce," Lorraine said. "Cleveland, Ohio."
"One moment, please."
"Is this Benjamin Pierce?" she asked when she heard the customary "hello, who's calling please?"
"Yes, this is Pierce," the man droned.
Lorraine frowned. She had never met Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce (he was at the 8063rd while she and Captain Dupree were at the 4077th), but she'd heard enough about him from Margaret to suspect she had gotten the wrong man. "Did you serve with the 4077th M.A.S.H. in Ouijongbu, Korea?"
"No, I was with the 7099th. Perhaps you've got the wrong 'Benjamin Pierce'," he suggested. He seemed tired and anxious to end the conversation as quickly as possible.
"Perhaps you're right," she agreed, partly mimicking his words. "Sorry to bother you." She placed the receiver into the cradle and ran her fingers through her curly black hair. This method's getting me nowhere. She wasn't 100% sure that the man she was trying to locate was Diana's father, but she had a strong hunch. Margaret had never divulged the identity of her baby's father; the way her eyes lit up whenever Hawkeye's name was mentioned had fed Lorraine's suspicions.
She stared at the telephone and attempted to plan the next course of action. She knew that she was doing what Margaret would have wanted, but she kept running into dead ends. She couldn't afford to take care of an infant. If Hawkeye could not be located soon, Lorraine would have to resort to the one option she did not want to use – placing Diana in an orphanage.
* * *
Pierce Residence
Crabapple Cove, Maine
Friday, October 29, 1954
Hawkeye cleared off the last casserole dish from the table. "A good meal as usual, Dad," he complimented Dr. Daniel Pierce. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a date to get ready for."
The elder Dr. Pierce grinned at his son. "Don't thank me – thank Judy Parsons. She's the one who made the broccoli noodle pudding."
"Mrs. Parsons?" Hawkeye asked incredulously. "Mrs. It's-Not-Cooked-Until-It's-Burnt-To-A-Crisp Parsons?" He grabbed a sponge and began scrubbing the dirty plates. "You've got to be kidding me."
"I think she's a pretty good cook if you ask me," Daniel said. His son snorted in reply. "And she's got a terrific body." He nudged Hawkeye in the ribs. "If she was thirty years younger, I'm sure that …"
Hawkeye was saved from his father's ribbing by the ringing of the telephone. He quickly wiped his hands on a towel and picked up the receiver. "Pierce residence," he greeted the caller.
"May I please speak to Benjamin Franklin Pierce," a woman asked.
"Yes, you may," he answered. "But do you really want to is the question." He paused, waiting for the woman to reply to the wisecrack. "I'm Benjamin Pierce," he informed the caller. "How can I help you?"
"My name is Lorraine Andersen," she said. Why does that name sound familiar? Hawkeye wondered. "I'm an old friend of Margaret Houlihan's."
Margaret! Hawkeye whispered to himself. I haven't heard from her in over a year. I wonder how she's doing. He made a mental note to call his old friend and catch up. "She and I worked together at a M.A.S.H. unit in Korea." He absentmindedly twirled the phone cord between his fingers. "How do you know her?"
"We grew up together," she informed the doctor. "You and a nurse traded places with me and …"
"Roy Dupree from the 8-0-6-3!" he broke in, suddenly recalling where he'd heard her name before.
"That's us," she laughed, stifling a lump in her throat. A moment of silence on the other end, then: "I don't know how to tell you this, but Margaret passed away."
A shaky hand grabbed the edge of the counter as he attempted to let the woman's words sink in. "You're kidding, right?" he managed to get out. "Tell me this is a joke." A cruel Halloween prank that's three days early.
"I wish it was," Miss Andersen said.
He could feel his hands and face getting clammy. Margaret's dead. Major Hot Lips Houlihan is dead. The kitchen – no, the world – was spiraling around his body. The toughest, most sincere woman I've ever known. He tried to erase the frightening image of his friend covered in tubes from his mind. The last time he had seen Margaret was at the 8063rd M.A.S.H. He had just arrived at Kimpo Air Base when a request came up for a surgeon. Knowing that a familiar face would be there, he had done something he'd never done before or since – he volunteered. During the two months he and Margaret spent together at the 8063rd, their friendship evolved into something bigger. Nobody knew when the attraction had first appeared. They both agreed that it was well before their one-night stand in the abandoned hut. Margaret liked to say that they were meant for each other from day one – it just took three years to see through their differences. After he returned home to Crabapple Cove, he and Margaret slowly lost touch. Now she's dead. He swallowed the lump rising in his chest.
Daniel glanced at his son with concern. "Is everything alright, Hawk?" he asked.
He nodded and turned his attention back to the woman on the phone. "How did it happen?" he asked weakly.
"Abdominal hemorrhage." Her voice was so quiet, he nearly had to strain his ear in order to hear her. "Margaret left behind a daughter – I think you might be the father."
His mouth dropped open. "How old is she? Since when? Does Margaret have any relatives?" he sputtered. Why couldn't Margaret tell me this herself?
" Her name is Diana Rose and she's five-months-old," she informed him. "You could take a paternity test to make sure, but – but I think this is what Margaret would have wanted."
A half-grin formed on Hawkeye's face at the mention of his daughter's name. "Margaret named her after my mother," he realized aloud. And now she won't even get to know her own.
"Well, I guess that explains where the 'Rose' comes from," Lorraine said.
"When did Margaret …" he couldn't bring himself to say the dreaded word.
Lorraine sighed. "Six hours after Diana was born. There were complications with the delivery."
He could feel his temper rising. "When the hell were you going to tell me this?"
"I've been trying to track you down for the past five months," she explained. "The Army sent me on a wild goose chase."
"Well, that's the U.S. Army for you – as organized as it ever was." That little joke was his way of apologizing.
She continued to spout information, but Hawkeye didn't hear her. A little girl. I'm a daddy. I've got a little girl.
"Dr. Pierce?" Lorraine pressed into his thoughts. "Are you still on the line?"
"That's a lot to spring on me in just one phone call," he told her. "So I'm sorry if I seem a little out of sorts, alright?"
"That's understandable," she assured him. "As I was saying, either I could escort Diana to Maine, or you could meet us in Virginia."
"Why don't you take a train here?" he suggested. "That will cut off on traveling costs."
Hawkeye knew before he placed the receiver back on the cradle that his father was watching him.
"Is everything alright?" Daniel repeated. He helped Hawkeye into a chair.
"Margaret's dead," Hawkeye whispered.
Daniel's eyes grew wide. "Margaret Houlihan? The nurse in Korea you always used to talk about?"
Hawkeye nodded. "Abdominal hemorrhage."
Dr. Pierce placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, son."
"There's more," he told the old man. "I'm a daddy."
"Well, I guess you divulged a lot less information about Margaret than I thought. When are you going to meet him?"
"It's a 'her,' Dad," he corrected. "Her name's Diana. Margaret's friend Lorraine will arrive with her at the train station around five-forty-five next Wednesday afternoon."
"Why don't you get some rest, son," Daniel suggested. "I'll finish clearing up the kitchen."
Hawkeye stood up. "Actually, I was thinking of canceling my date and placing a call long-distance," he confessed. He sometimes felt guilty that he hadn't kept better touch with his old colleagues at the 4077th. He had written sporadically to B.J. and was the first person Radar phoned when his son was born. Except for holidays and birthdays, correspondence was nil. He stepped into the living room and picked up the telephone.
"Operator, I'd like to place a call to Mill Valley, California," he said.
"What party?" the operator asked.
"The Hunnicutt residence. That's H-U-N-N-I-C-U-T-T." He ran a hand over his face.
"One moment, please."
What do I say? He wondered. Hiya, Beej, sorry I haven't called in awhile, Margaret's dead and I've got a daughter I never even knew I had? He suppressed a snort. Love-Em-And-Leave-Em Pierce has a little girl – that'll give the man a laugh.
"Hunnicutt residence," a familiar voice piped in. "B.J. speaking."
"Beej?" he asked. "It's me, Hawk."
"Hawk!" The other man exclaimed. "It's good to hear from you, buddy. How are things on the east coast?"
"Not so good, Beej," he admitted. "I think you might want to sit down for this." He waited several minutes before continuing. "Margaret died," he informed his friend.
"When?" His former bunkmate was digesting the information almost as well as he had.
"The woman who called said it happened five months ago," Hawkeye replied. "She had an abdominal hemorrhage." Someone should record the message on a phonograph and play it back so I don't have to keep repeating myself.
"And you waited until now to tell me this?" B.J. yelled. "I was her friend, too. How could you …"
"I told you – I didn't find out until fifteen minutes ago," Hawkeye interrupted.
"Sorry, Hawk. I don't believe it – you two were always so close. You didn't stay in touch?"
"Not since we left Korea."
"Have you called anybody else yet?" B.J. asked. Hawkeye told him that he hadn't. "We should get together for a memorial service."
Hawkeye agreed, knowing full well that when it came to gathering people together, his old friend could pull it off. He hated what he had to say next, because he was about to touch on a sore subject for the former M.A.S.H. surgeon. "When you first came home from Korea, how did you get along with Erin?"
"She didn't recognize me," B.J. said. "I forgave Radar when Peg told me that she had addressed every man in uniform as 'Daddy.' She was a little hesitant around me at first, but … do you mind telling me why you're asking me this?"
"Margaret's hemorrhage was related to complications from giving birth," Hawk told his friend. "She had a child – mine." He could almost swear he heard the other phone drop to the floor.
"Could you repeat that?" B.J. asked.
"I'm a dad," he answered. "I've got a five-month-old daughter and I never knew it." He let the information sink into his brain again. "I don't know how to be a dad, Beej," he complained. "I know how to flirt with a female, dance with a female, tease a female, play with a female, but I've never been a dad to a female. I've never been a dad, period. You gotta help me."
* * *
Crabapple Cove Station
Crabapple Cove, Maine
Wednesday, November 3, 1954
"Sit down, Hawkeye," Daniel Pierce commanded. "You're acting like a hyperactive kid."
The doctor stopped pacing long enough to shoot a worried glance at his father. "I can't sit down – I'm too nervous." He wrung his hands. "What time is it?"
Daniel checked his watch. "Ten minutes till show time," he replied from his spot on the bench.
Hawkeye resumed pacing and found his way to a lamppost. He wrapped his arm around it and swung himself back and forth. "Do you think she'll like the doll?" he asked, referring to the rag doll in the bag he was carrying. The doll had belonged to Rose Pierce when she was a child, and she had saved it for a future daughter. Future granddaughter would have to do. The Hunnicutts had promised to send some of Erin's old clothes and toys.
"I'm sure she will, son," Daniel said.
"What about her room?"
"Stop swinging like that – you're making me dizzy."
He blinked. "I'm making you dizzy?" He took a seat next to his father. "I'm making myself dizzy."
"There is absolutely nothing to worry about," Daniel assured his anxious son. "What that little girl needs is to know that she will always have people who love her, people who care about her."
"But she's never even met me," Hawkeye protested. "What if she doesn't like Crabapple Cove? What if I raise her to be a maniac? What if she's a difficult child? Take my worst traits, take Margaret's worst traits, mix them together – and you've got trouble." He stopped to catch his breath. "What if she doesn't like me? What if I fail her?"
"You are not going to fail her," Daniel told him. "The only way you can fail her is if you give up on her. And you've never given up on anyone in your life." He watched the conflicting emotions play across his son's face. "When your mom died, I thought the world would collapse. Every time you scraped your knee or caught a cold, I'd think 'If Rose were still alive, he'd be perfectly healthy.' Treating hay fever, delivering babies, setting broken bones – that was my expertise. Cooking breakfast, helping with schoolwork, reading bedtime stories – your mother was the greatest."
"The five-forty-five train will be in the station in approximately five minutes," the speakers announced. Up ahead in the distance, they heard the faint sound of a train whistle.
"You could tell a damn good bedtime tale yourself," Hawk said. He stood up and rested a hand on the armrest.
"I couldn't raise you like Rose Pierce," Daniel continued. "I'm your father, not your mother. She had her methods, and I had mine. Just because I let you go to bed at nine o'clock instead of eight-thirty didn't mean that you were going to end up a juvenile delinquent."
"No, just a delinquent," Hawk grinned. He scuffed his toe along the cement.
The blast of the train whistle grew sharper as the train rolled into the station. Hawkeye took a deep breath and waited while the train came to a complete stop and the doors slid open. About thirteen people stepped onto the platform, among them a woman pushing a stroller. The woman looked around, finally setting her sights on Hawkeye. She approached the Pierces.
"Dr. Pierce?" she asked.
"Call me Hawkeye," he told the woman.
"In that case, call me Lorraine," she replied, shaking his outstretched hand. Sounds of an infant gurgling could be heard from the stroller.
"This is my father, Daniel Pierce," Hawkeye said. Daniel Pierce and Lorraine Andersen shook hands.
Lorraine patted the girl on the head. "Hawkeye, I'd like you to meet Diana."
Hawkeye bent down to be eye level with the child. He noticed that while she possessed Margaret's wavy light brown hair and facial features, her violet-blue eyes screamed "Pierce." "Hello, Diana," he greeted his daughter.
"This is your daddy, Diana," Lorraine told the infant in a gentle voice.
"And I'm your grandpa," Daniel said.
"Did they serve you anything edible on the train?" Hawkeye asked. No response. "We're having chicken français tonight for dinner. Tastes delicious with a side order of martini." Diana responded by emitting an ear-splitting scream.
"She's a little tired," the woman informed the men. "We've had a long trip."
"Coulda fooled me," Hawkeye said. "And I thought she was the life of the party." He tried to think of the tricks he, Trapper, and Radar had performed for the Korean orphans. She'd be too young for the good ones. Finally, he reached into the bag and grabbed the rag doll. He smiled at his daughter. "Do you like dolls?" he asked, placing the doll in Diana's chubby hands. "This belonged to my mom. She would have wanted you to have it." The child gurgled. "Some folks here might try to convince you that I'm a bit bananas – but don't let them fool you. I'm more than 'bananas' – I'm loony. Runs in the family." Daniel shot him a dirty look and Diana just stared at him. "Not that you have anything to worry about, of course. You probably inherited your mother's sanity." He was used to rambling on about nothing, but his tongue was starting to tire.
"Would you like to hold her?" Lorraine asked the new father.
"Sure," he answered in a hesitant voice. He held out his arms to receive the infant. She's beautiful. "Hey there, gorgeous," he cooed, brushing his finger over her button nose. He attempted to ignore the sudden tightness in his chest.
"Would you like me to take her, son?" Daniel asked. Hawkeye nodded and quickly passed Diana to her grandfather.
"What happens if I – ah – decide not to – ah…?" he asked.
"She goes to an orphanage. I wish I could keep her, but I can't afford to raise a child right now. She might get lucky and be adopted, but the more time that passes, the less likely that will happen. She could end up bouncing around foster homes."
I can't do that to her, he chastised himself. He remembered when the 4077th was evacuated to a cave. He and Margaret both had to face their fears – he had his claustrophobia and she had loud noises. When the two of them returned to the camp in order to perform an emergency surgery, she had explained that she wasn't about to send one of her nurses to face what she herself could not. I can't let my daughter suffer because of my fears. He could feel two pairs of eyes on him. "I'll take her," he said quietly.