Suicide is Painless Chapter 4: With A Little Help From My Friends, a m*a*s*h fanfic

This is the last chapter in this story (I think). I will now begin Children of the Swamp, which tells about the offspring of our favorite staff members of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Like always, I do not own anybody you recognize from the television series.

The title of this chapter (and the following lyrics) is from the song With A Little Help From My Friends, words and music by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.

What would you think if I sang out of tune?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.

Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends.

Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Chapter Four: With A Little Help From My Friends

Pierce Residence

Crabapple Cove, Maine

Friday, May 27, 1955

"Checkmate." Charles folded his hands over his chest and leaned back in his chair.

B.J. threw up his arms and glared at his smug opponent.

"Do you know what your problem is, Beej?" Hawkeye asked. "You're too impatient."

B.J. turned to his former roommate. "Oh? And you think you can do better?"

Hawkeye nodded. "As a matter of fact …"

B.J. snorted. "Sure you can."

"Do I detest the makings of a duel?" Hawkeye asked in a phony upper crust British accent.

Charles coughed. "Gentlemen …" he began.

"Yes, Chas?" they chimed in unison.

Daniel Pierce leaned against the threshold of the kitchen door and observed the banter that was taking place on the back porch. It relieved him to see Hawkeye smile and joke again. The son he had now was not the same as the one who left for Korea nearly five years earlier. The panic attacks were decreasing over time, but his eyes still held a look of terror whenever he held his daughter. No matter how many times Daniel assured him that Diana was not going to break, he continued to possess his – unreasonable, Daniel thought – fears. Diana had just had her first birthday, and Hawkeye had invited his old "Swamp mates" to a belated celebration. The presence of his old friends seemed to be putting the sparkle back into his son's eyes. Finally, Daniel approached the makeshift chess table. "Were they always this crazy?" he inquired of Charles.

"Sometimes worse," B.J. grinned. Daniel could see why Hawkeye had been drawn to this – as Hawk had called him – tall man with big feet and a cheesy mustache (although he had shaved the mustache once he returned home). He was gentle, faithful to his family and friends, and an uncanny practical jokester.

"I have been sent to tell you boys lunch is almost ready."

B.J. winced. "You let Peg cook?" He moved a pawn.

Hawkeye jabbed his father's arm. "It's been awhile since we've had a woman in this house."

And you're going to keep your hands off of her," his friend warned. "Peg's not known for her culinary skills," he explained to the elder Pierce.

"The little lady assisted in the operation," Daniel informed him. "You wouldn't begrudge that child from enjoying her cooking, now would you?"

Hawkeye snorted. "A three-year-old chef? Ha!" He leaned back in the wicker chair.

"Almost four," B.J. corrected. "Move already! This isn't brain surgery."

"We let Hawk cook once when he was five," Daniel said, ignoring his son's pleading looks. "His mother and I were up the entire night hugging the toilet bowl."

"I'll take that as a warning not to consume Pierce's culinary endeavors," Charles quipped.

"Would you make your move?" B.J. complained.

Hawkeye scrutinized the chessboard. "I will if you stop hounding me. I need to concentrate."

A yellow-haired toddler slammed open the door, breaking the doctor's concentration. "Lunch!" she announced. She ran toward B.J., who immediately swung her into the air. "It's time for lunch," she repeated.

"Don't worry, Pierce," Charles said as they shuffled into the house. "We'll keep your plate warm."

Hawkeye made a face at the Bostonian and moved a knight.

The chess game was resumed immediately after lunch. The game came equipped with the usual quips and banters of the Swamp rats, but (thankfully) was absent of choppers, shellfire, and wounded. B.J. suppressed a yawn and snatched the pawn his bishop had landed on.

"Have you been getting enough sleep?" Charles asked.

B.J. blinked and forced his eyes open. "About three or four hours in a twenty-four hour period."

"You need more sleep than that," Hawkeye told him. "Your body can't function otherwise."

"I'm a doctor, remember? 'Sleep' is a foreign word."

"Have you tried closing your eyes?"

B.J. shook his head. "I don't feel like it."

"You force yourself to stay awake?"

"Yes … no … maybe … I don't know." I don't want to have this conversation right now. So I have insomnia. So what?

"What do you do all night?"

"He places telephone calls to people across the continent and interrupt their slumber," Charles put in.

For a moment, Hawkeye looked hurt that his best friend didn't call him. His demeanor changed when B.J. reminded him that "it's much more fun pestering Chas."

"Maybe you should consider placing a call to Sidney," Hawk suggested.

The Californian nixed the idea. "I've always had trouble falling asleep," he lied. "It's no big deal."

"Daddy!" Erin shouted. "Daddy, you gotta come here!" Oh, god, please tell me nothing's wrong. "Uncle Hawk! Uncle Charles!" At least this'll give me a chance to get the "doctors" off my back.

The three men rushed inside to find Erin sitting cross-legged against the wall and Diana propped against a footstool. Erin looked up at her father and her surrogate uncles and grinned. "Wanna see what Diana can do?" she asked.

They nodded. "Of course," Hawkeye said.

"Come on, Diana," she cooed. "You can do it. Let's show our daddies." Diana hoisted herself up and took a few tottering steps before falling into the older girl's outstretched arms. Erin smiled. "Yea!" she said, clapping wildly.

"Yea!" Diana imitated.

B.J. swallowed the lump in his throat as he watched the encounter between his and Hawkeye's daughters. Although not yet four-years-old, Erin had taken an immediate and maternal liking to the young toddler. She insisted on sitting next to Diana's high chair at meals, helping to feed her, and giving her a kiss before bedtime. He had missed out on Erin's first steps, and now she was helping another child take hers.

"There is nothing more precious than the small steps of a small child," Charles commented quietly.

" 'Gain!" Diana said. She tugged Erin's sleeve. " 'Gain!" she repeated.

Hawkeye knelt down beside the two girls. "Mind if I give it a try?" he asked his "niece."

B.J. felt a hand gently rest against his arm. He planted a kiss on Peg's cheek and wrapped his arm around her body. "They're beautiful, aren't they?" Peg whispered. He nodded in agreement.

Diana wobbled into her father's arms. Hawkeye scooped her up and hugged her close to his chest. "That's my baby," he cooed. "That's my little girl." His eyes were moist yet smiling.

"Are you alright, Pierce?" Charles inquired.

Hawkeye sniffled and turned to his former bunkmate. "I'm the best I've been in nearly two years."