Showdown on the Rooftop

by Blaine1

Very, very funny! After three years of scrutinous edditing, SOTR is finaly ready to make you disembowel yourself with laughter! Starts as a wierd parody of melodramatic fanfics and eventually goes totally crazy with nonsequitur situations and comeos.

Me 'n Blaine wrote this together, me being Her_My_Oh_Knee, his cousin. (Chris Skan is also my cousin, and Blaine's brother.) It's kind of a spoof on some of the melodramatic fanfics out there - not that I haven't written my share of them. (Bwa ha ha. You'll never make me send them in!!! Never!!!) Blaine: "She's wacko!" ::runs into the other room for fear of being dismembered and erects a Level Nine force field around the door:: Her_My_Oh_Knee: "Thank you." Hmmm…. But it got "a bit" carried away. Oh, and be warned, it contains rampantly random appearances of characters who may or may not be familiar to you. They should be amusing regardless, or so we hope. Ahem. The first part of this story was written before Book Four came out, so it sounds… similar. (This just proves that I have the Inner Eye - wha ha ha!) Anyway, enjoy…

Showdown on the Rooftop

(Add your own dramatic musical sound effects.)

"Look, Harry, even if You-Know-Who is trying to kill you-"
Harry stared at Hermione. "IF?!"
"-he can't attack Hogwarts," Hermione continued stubbornly. "He can't get in! Too many enchantments." She waved her ubiquitous copy of Hogwarts, A History under Harry's nose. "After that… incident, the staff put even more spells on the school. I don't think You-Know-Who could even find it now." (Hermione was referring to an unfortunate happening the month before, when an… unemployed and bitter wizard had set Moria's resident man-eating kraken loose in the lake. It had eaten Filch's cat. This was not unfortunate. However, no one was able to go swimming until it was safely transported back to Middle Earth.)
Ron nodded, looking thoughtful. "But if he does kill you - can I have your Firebolt?"
Harry snorted. "I'd sooner give it to Percy, if THAT'S your idea of helping the situation..."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were lounging around the common room fire. It was late at night, and everyone else was asleep. Harry was uneasy, and he had good reason to be. That morning, he had woken up from a gruesome nightmare and his scar had been burning. At breakfast, a large green snake had brought him a letter and slithered off. Harry had opened it. It was made of letters cut out from magazines that spelled:

Look out, Harry Potter. Wormtail and I are going to kill you soon.
Sincerely,
Lord Voldemort
P.S.: Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

This had alarmed Harry, understandably.
"It can't be a prank, because the only other people who know about Wormtail are Lupin, Sirrius, and Dumbledore. But if Voldemort did write it, why would he WARN me?"
Ron: "I wouldn't know. I don't live inside his head (thank God)."
Hermione: "Well…. he is extremely sadistic and likes to terrify people out of their minds before he kills them. And he never was very subtle. He also had a tragic forbidden love affair, which made him turn to the Dark Side for revenge on the cold, cruel society which tore him away from his beloved." Hermione frowned. "At least, that's what I read in The Real Dark Lord: The Man behind the Madness, or, A Comprehensive Biography of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, by Rita Skeeter."
Harry and Ron: "You READ that?!?"
Hermione, lightly: "Well, it's important to know your enemies."
"Yeh…. hey, wait a minute! Lucius Malfoy knows about Wormtail! I bet he told Draco, and Draco sent this to me, to try and freak me out for the match tomorrow. Sheesh. I can't believe I didn't think of that before. Sort of thing he would do, just like that dementor stunt."
Ron yawned. "You're right. Anyway, it's really late. Why don't we go to bed? You need rest. Final Quidditch game, remember?"

The next morning, Gryffindor went up against Slytherin in the Quidditch finals. Hopes were running high! At breakfast, though, Dumbledore, McGonagall and Snape were missing. In Dumbledore's chair sat a young wizard with dark, shaggy hair and flashing black eyes. He was wearing a black leather jacket, torn jeans, and black army boots, all of which looked bizarre in the hall of robe-wearing wizards. A deadly looking spear with a head wrought of black star-iron leaned against his chair. He got to his feet and a hush fell over the hall.
"Hello Hogwarts students." The strange wizard spoke with an Irish accent! "As you have probably noticed, Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape are absent. They have been called to an urgent meeting in London at the Ministry of Magic. I have been called to take the headmaster's place until his return next week. My name is Ronan Nolan, and by the way, if anyone is stupid enough to touch this spear, they will deserve what they get: DEATH! So don't touch it. Thank you, that's all."
[Hello. This is a note from the authors. Yes, we know this is a cameo appearance from Diane Duane's Wizardry series, but hey! At least we aren't doing a gratuitous self-insertion fic!]
Suddenly, a tall girl in an elven cloak and a huge red-gold dragon (which promptly turned into a boy wearing medieval clothes) appeared with a bang in the middle of the Hall, and said, "Hello. Our names are Her_My_Oh_Knee and Blaine. [OK, so we lied.] We are your omnipotent cre - a - tooooooors!!!"
The hall erupted in roars of shock and confusion. The two mad intruders continued gleefully: "We can do anything we wish in this world! Which includes turning you all into lemmings and forcing you to jump into the lake. Unless, of course, you give us lots 'n lots of shiny gold galleons and about a hundred crates of vintage butterbeer. Or else we will write ol' Volderbutt into the story early, and he'll turn you into carrots and feed you to the Rabbits of Doooooooooom!!! We can-"
Suddenly, J.K. Rowling appeared and, hovering wrathfully near the ceiling, shouted, "YOU TWO!!! I am the omnipotent creator of this world, not you!!!!"
"But we were only gloating over the absurd plot of our fic-"
"GET OUT OF MY BOOK SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her hair suddenly burst into flames. She looked as though she intended to throw lightning bolts.
"Okay folks, gotta fly!" Her_My_Oh_Knee and Blaine chirped glibly, and they promptly vanished in an impressive cloud of white smoke and golden sparks. Mrs. Rowling pulled a laptop computer from her backpack, typed a little, and then vanished. Not a one of the persons present had any memory of their most recent visitors, so they… went on with their breakfast, all of which were patiently awaiting the Quidditch finals. (Erm - Yes, the breakfast does like to watch Quidditch.) The people also wanted to watch the game, so they hurried along with eating breakfast. [Her_My_Oh_Knee cuffs Blaine for his awful grammar. Blaine grumbles and rubs his sore head. "Oh, that's right, everyone go and attack Blaine, because HE was writing brilliantly funny ideas while SHE was in the shower, and taking her good, sweet time about it too-" Her_My_Oh_Knee cuffs Blaine again, and he mutters darkly, his hands over his boxed ears.]

When she finished her toast, Hermione bent over towards Harry and whispered "Is that Cute American Exchange Student going to be Keeper again?" She was looking towards the end of the table, eyes shining.
"What?" Harry said. "Oh, you mean Chris Skan… Yeah, we still haven't found a permanent Keeper." Ron said nothing, but his look of anger betrayed his feelings… [Blaine: "The pathos!" Chris: "Hey, bro. WHY CAN'T I BE SEEKER? I WANNA BE SEEK- "Blaine: "HARRY POTTER IS SEEKER! ONLY SPACE I CAN WRITE YOU INTO IS KEEPER!" Chris: "But I paid you to write me as- Hey! No! Her_My_Oh_Knee, don't quote me on that!!!!" ::Her_My_Oh_Knee is leaning over the keyboard, typing furiously:: "AUUUGGGHHH!!!!" ] "Thanks." squeaked Hermione. She secretly considered a photo of Chris that Lavender had given her during Potions: unruly blond hair, bright blue eyes, shy smile… wow… She sighed happily, wondering vaguely why every exchange student that had ever visited Hogwarts happened to be an incredibly hot American.

Anyway, when the Quidditch teams marched out onto the field, they found that Ronan was refereeing the match. Of course, that was only natural, since the three usual referees were off in London, but it's a well-known fact that Ronan, erm, isn't too fond of the Brits. Or the Yanks. (Except for one wizard girl from New York…) He's also a bit… reckless. (Or wreckful, as the case may be.) So, predictably, he let the match turn into a free-for-all anything-goes brawl. (In later years, Chris Skan would describe this match as "Somewhat like WWF Smackdown.") He yawned when Beaters began attacking the opposite team members with their clubs, he looked the other way when the Slytherins jinxed the Gryffindor Keeper (Sorry Chris), and he looked on calmly as the infuriated Griffindors hexed all of the Slytherins in retaliation. And it didn't end there. Half an hour into the match, the Snitch had not yet been spotted and the Gryffindors had switched their battered broomsticks for dragons (conveniently supplied by Hagrid, when Harry remembered an interesting nightmare he had in his first year). The Slytherins were taking a beating, but they were still fighting with the ferocity of a pack of rabid bouncing ferrets. Malfoy was attempting to fly around encased in a full body cast. One of the Slytherin Beaters produced a Supersoaker of bubotuber puss and went on a rampage over the field. A break was called, and when the match started again, the "cheating b-", as Lee Jordan would have called him, fell shrieking from his broom into the stands and had to be rescued: Fred Weasley had sneaked into the Slytherin locker room and exchanged his cloak for a lethifold, painted green. Madam Pomphrey was zooming around on an emergency medical broom, trying to fix every injury, while Professor Trelawney screamed and went into a faint. Needless to say, this was by far the most exciting match in Hogwarts history. Anyhoo, Gryffindor won, as always. And Hermione gazed adoringly at Chris Skan as he swooped over the crowds, while Ron brooded in his seat, obviously contemplating homicide. (OOO!!! The plot thickens!) [Poll: Who thinks that Hermione and Ron are both idiots? You know, for denying for so long their quite obvious affections for each other? ~;-) ]

After the match, a huge victory party erupted in Gryffindor Tower (duh). Everyone consumed large quantities of butterbeer and Fizzing Wizzbees. Fred was flinging Filibuster-stuffed salamanders around the room, while George peddled their newest invention: "Psychedelic Lollypops! Just suck on 'em for a while, and everything looks… different!" People sang and danced to magical recordings of The Weird Sisters and Celestina Warbeck, and hung Gryffindor banners all over the tower walls. The euphoric Gryffindors put the Quidditch trophy on the mantelpiece, and showered the team members with candy.
Several hours into the party, Harry and Cho decided to get some "fresh air" on the tower roof. [Authors note: Don't worry; no one gets...too physical in this fic. This is a PG fic. (Her_My_Oh_Knee, frowning: "Are you sure?" Blaine: "Sh!!!!!!"] They climbed through the skylight and sat together on the shingles, watching the moon rise over the lake, watching the stars glowing overhead, watching a horde of electric blue pixies chasing an escaped Professor Lockhart through the rose garden… "Oh Harry… I've never met anyone quite like you…" Cho gazed dreamily into Harry's emerald eyes. The night was growing colder. They leaned closer.
Harry tenderly brushed back a strand of Cho's raven hair. "You were always the girl of my dreams… Who needs Fleur anyway?" Cho frowned slightly at Fleur's name, but chose to ignore Harry's tactlessness. (They were so in looooove…) They closed their eyes and were leaning towards each other when…. Suddenly: "ALL RIGHT YOU CHEATING [eek!]!!! WE'LL SETTLE THIS!!!!!" Cho and Harry jumped violently and walked around the other side of the roof to investigate. (Damn.) When they rounded the other side of the tower, they found that Hermione, Ron, and Chris Skan had reached the rooftop before them. Hermione was sitting on a bench (looking very smug) and Ron and Chris were standing ten feet apart with their wands out. They were trembling with rage, and Chris's wand was beginning to spit silver sparks. Ron's wand was spewing orange sparks like a Catherine's Wheel firework on the Fourth of July. Harry and Cho sat next to Hermione, and Harry said, "What's all this about?"
Hermione: "Ron and Chris are dueling."
Harry: "And you are happy because..."
Hermione: "Two guys are fighting over me. Duh."

"Oh."

So they turned their attention to the duel. At first...

Ron: "Furnunculus!"

Chris: "Expelliarmus!"

Ron: "Relashio!"

Chris: "Impedimentia!"

Ron: "Wadiwasi!"

Chris: "Ah - ah - AVADA KADAVRA!!!!"

Ron: "AUGH!!!!!!!!" Ron fell flat on his back with a massive nosebleed. Hermione and Cho screamed hysterically and simultaneously.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Calm down! I don't have enough power to cast that spell. I just scared the crap out of him. He's unconscious. And that means I win!" He bent over and kissed Hermione, who pushed him so hard that he nearly fell off the edge of the roof. "What did you do THAT for?!?!?!?" Hermione slapped him and then burst into tears.

"Oh, I'm such a FOOL!!!!! I should have chosen Ron from the start! He's the one I TRULY love!!! She started sobbing again and ran to Ron's side.

Chris just shook his head in disgust. "Girls!" Suddenly, without warning (as usual)…
"You ain't nothin' but a hound dog," sang a deep voice.
"Huh?" said Chris, looking around. The singing continued in the rakish tenor of a '50's rock star:
"You ain't nothin' but a hoooooooowwwnd dog…" ::guitar riffs::
"What the heck is THAT?" gasped Harry.
A huge cloud of luminous, green smoke poured out of the trapdoor and began to condense into the shape of a man.
"And now, Harry Potter," said the voice, "I have you JUST where I want you."
"Lord…VOLDEMORT?!?!?" Harry said, squinting.
Now that the man was totally visible, Harry's surprise was justified. Standing before the five students stood Elvis, but Elvis had red glowing eyes, and little demonic horns sticking out of his head. [Authors note: We are NOT dissing Elvis here. Okay?]
"What happened?" cried Harry.
"It's really quite simple," mused Lord Volderbutt, "You see, Wormtail was out looking for another body for me when he happened upon a group of aliens who were carrying a large metal canister. He killed the aliens, and (upon seeing that they would never be compatible hosts) opened the canister. As it turned out, the canister was a Cryogenics Tank, containing the frozen body of the aliens' King. (They were planning to revive him on their homeworld.) Wormtail brought the body to me, and here I am, seeking revenge on you."
"Oh," said Harry, "thanks for clearing that up. Could you wait a minute to seek your revenge though? My friend here is currently unconscious."
Voldemort/Elvis coughed and straightened his rhinestone-studded white jacket. "Sorry, can't help you. I have a hair appointment in half an hour, has to booked MONTHS in advance. You see my problem?" He put down his electric guitar and cracked his knuckles. "Can we get on with it?"
"If we must we must."

So Lord Voldemort and Harry took out their wands. [Her_My_Oh_Knee turns on "Dies Irae" (Day of Wrath) from Mozart's "Requiem". The windows rattle. Blaine whirls around and glares at her. "But ALL climactic fight scenes have dramatic choral music!" wails Her_My_Oh_Knee, ducking under the desk. Blaine fumes. "This isn't the climax, you idiot!!!"] Harry quickly pointed his wand at himself and said, "Cahumei Utenum!" His robes turned into a kendo uniform. [Her_My_Oh_Knee: "I've always said he looks nice as anime…"]
"I took Acrobatics for the Active Wizard," said Harry grimly, "after I saw "The Matrix."
Voldemort/Elvis just laughed and shouted "Crucio!" But Harry did a spectacular backflip, and the crimson bolt burned a hole in the shingles instead of burning Harry. Voldemort snarled, and roared "Imperio!", but Harry dodged that too. Now Voldemortie was seething. "You think you can play games with me, boy?" he hissed.
Harry: "Uh-huh. It's what I'm best at, isn't it?"

Volderbutt was not amused. He began shouting all the curses he could think of at Harry, but Harry managed to dodge all of them. At last Harry fell over, completely exhausted, and lay flat on his back, gasping.
Voldemort advanced toward him menacingly. "Bow to me!" he commanded.

Harry attempted to raise his head and failed. "You've GOT to be kidding," he groaned.
Voldemort towered over Harry for a moment, enjoying the drama, and then roared "AVADA KADAVRA!!!"
Unfortunately for him, in the time that Voldemort took to gloat over his victory (a very foolish thing to do if one is a super-villain), Ron had regained consciousness. He sat up groaning and rubbing his head, saw Voldemort about to murder Harry, and flung himself in front of Voldemort, taking the blast of the spell. Voldemort staggered backwards, stunned by the backwash of power from the curse. Harry screamed the obligatory "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!", as Ron fell onto his face at Voldemort's feet, and lunged at Volderbutt, attempting to strangle him with his bare hands. "YOU SON OF A DEMENTOR!!!!!!"
"Achtchtgchth!" gagged Volderbutt, turning purple. Suddenly there was flash of light and Atrus appeared out of nowhere, holding several large Myst linking books under his arm. "To heck with trying to kill him, he's basically immortal," said Atrus calmly. "Use this!" Atrus tossed Harry a book titled "Squeela," and Harry opened it, ramming the book onto Volderbutt's face.
With a brilliant flash of light, 'ol Lord Volderbutt was sucked into the Squeela Book. "Quick, Hermione! I need fire!" Hermione ran forward and conjured some bluebell flames, and Harry plunged the Book into them. They all watched as the Book shriveled up, blackened, and fell into ashes. "There," sighed Harry, "that's the last of Lord Voldemort." Cho threw her arms around him. Suddenly he thought of something. "Atrus! What exactly is in the Squeela Age?"
"Hehehe," cackled Atrus, "nothing but one small, rocky island in the middle of an endless ocean, populated with nothing but ravenous rabid Squee, who have had nothing to eat for several millennia. I'm sure that they will be QUITE happy with their new roommate."
Everyone paused for a moment, trying to imagine being trapped for all eternity with an enormous pack of cute little fluffy white rodents, cooing and chirping and trying to gnaw your toes off. But they didn't spend too much time in introspection. Harry stood next to Ron's body, his head in his hands. "Oh Ron, you died to save me!" he cried. Hermione was kneeling beside Ron, sobbing again. Annoyed, Chris sighed and said: "Ya know, there are more constructive things you could be doing right now.
"Like what?" said Cho, perplexed.
"Well, look over there!" Chris pointed to the Forbidden Forest, and everyone walked over to the edge of the roof. When they looked down, they saw an extraordinary sight: Gilderoy Lockhart, disguised as Crookshanks the cat, was leading thousands of Cornish pixies into the castle, one by one, each disguised as Trevor the toad, while Neville, in search of his toad, flew out the window on his pet cheeseburger, put a lampshade on his head, and found his toad sitting perfectly still on a radio on the Whomping Willow.
"Urgh," groaned Harry. "I KNEW I shouldn't have eaten that lollipop George sold me at the party…" [And I really shouldn't visit the "Silly Rumors" page so often…]
"Not THAT," said Chris impatiently. "Look at Hagrid's hut!" A little old man with white hair reached the door and walked inside. "Do you see that guy? He's Miracle Max, and he might be able to save Ron!"
Everyone jumped. "HOW?" cried Hermione. "You'll see." said Chris mysteriously.
Atrus picked up Ron and everyone climbed down the Gryffindor Tower, uh, fire escape. They started off across the grounds, but getting to Hagrid's hut was harder than usual that night. Harry was nearly bowled over by a panicked Dobby, who squeaked incoherently when Harry tried to talk to him. "Ai ai! A Balrog! Of all elf-banes, the most deadly!" he yelped. Hermione frowned. "House elves too? Are you sure?"
Harry turned towards Dobby. "What are you talking a- AUGGGHHH!!!" A hideous demon loomed up out of the darkness. It had horns, fiery eyes, vast wings of shadow, and it held a fire whip and a flaming sword. Dobby scuttled behind Atrus. The Balrog's eyes flashed, and it raised its blade. Cho clutched Harry's shoulder, and Chris attempted to hold Hermione, who turned around and slapped him. But Atrus tossed another Myst linking book to Harry, who gulped and lobbed it at the advancing Balrog. The open book hit it right between the eyes, and it was sucked through the panel on the back page. The book fell to the ground and Harry ran to pick it up. "I sure hope that Age wasn't inhabited," he said fervently.
Suddenly an old wizard with a flowing white beard, wearing grey robes, came out of the shadows brandishing a sword. "Where is it?" he shouted, looking around. Harry stepped forward and held up the book. "It's trapped in another universe - through this."
The wizard (who just HAPPENED to be Gandalf) took the book from Harry. He looked at it with piercing black eyes, opened it and flipped through its pages. "Interesting…" he said. "I could use some of these. Anyway-"
"Come on! We've got to get to Hagrid's hut!" cried Harry.
The ever-growing horde followed Harry to Hagrid's hut. But halfway there (you guessed it), they were hurled into yet another unnecessary digression.
Suddenly Her_My_Oh_Knee exploded into being in front of them, once more gratuitously self-inserted. She ran forward, a battered copy of The Lord of the Rings under her arm. "GANDALF! GANDALF! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!? Puh-leeeeaaaassseee???" She turned toward an unseen audience (you) and shouted: "Hey! Everybody go read The Lord of the Rings!!! IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!!" [Chris: "NOOO!!!!!] An infuriated JK Rowling blasted Her_My_Oh_Knee with a lighting bolt the size of Gringotts, turning her into a sizzling pile of cinders. Painfully, Her_My_Oh_Knee raised her head and said, "But first read The Hobbit- and after LotR read The Silmarillion. Tolkien ruuuuuullleesss…."
[Blaine: Let's have a moment of silence to mourn Her_My_Oh_Knee's passing…well that's over with. Let's look on the bright side: now I get to write the story however I want to…heh heh heh.]
Harry: "Ummmm…. What was that?"
Gandalf: "Just a mad Ringling. They're not really a bad lot, rather endearing actually. They remind me of hobbits."
Hermione attempted to understand this and failed. "Well… Keep moving!"
The group FINALLY reached Hagrid's hut. Harry knocked. The little old man answered the door - well, peered through a sliding window in the door, squinting crankily. "What do you want?"
Harry: "Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?"
MM: "The king's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. Now why don't you just give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it; WE'RE CLOSED!"
MM closed the door. Harry, looking slightly confused, knocked again.
MM: "Go away or I'll call the brute squad." Hagrid walked up, saying, "I'm ON the brute squad."
MM, looking him over: "You are the brute squad. (turning back to Harry) Why do you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever it is that you want me to miracle."
Harry: "He's already dead."
MM: "He is? Alright, bring him inside."
Harry, Hermione, and Chris went inside (the rest of the group stayed outside and played "Capture the Hobbit." Hermione laid Ron on the table. MM lifted Ron's arm, and then let it go. It fell lifelessly on the table. MM just shrugged. "I've seen worse. Ya got any money?"
Chris: "Sixty-five."
MM (whistling sarcastically): "Never have I worked for so little, except once - and that was a very noble cause."
Harry: "Oh, this is noble, sir. His girlfriend is… heartbroken. His homework is unfinished. He has a test in Potions tomorrow, and he'll flunk school if he doesn't pass, and then his mother will kill him."
MM: "Are YOU a rotten liar. He probably owes you money, ah? I'll ask him." (He picks up a hand-bellows.) Harry: "He can't talk; he's dead."
MM: "O ho ho! Look who knows so much. As it turns out, your friend here is only mostly dead. {MM puts nozzle of bellows into Ron's mouth, begins to pump} Mostly dead means he's still partly alive. All dead… well, with all dead, there's only one thing you can do."
Harry: "What's that?"
MM: "Shake out his robes for loose change. ::stops pumping::"
MM (to Ron): "HEY! HELLO IN THERE? WHAT YA GOT THAT'S WORTH LIVING FOR?"
Ron (weakly): "Trrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuue llllllooooovvvvveee..."
Harry: "There! You see! True love! You can not ask for a more noble cause in the world."
MM (looking slightly nervous): "Of course, true love is the GREATEST thing in the world. Except for a MLT (mutton-lettuce-and-tomato), when the mutton is nice and lean... Mwa! ::kisses fingers:: I love that. So good. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said 'to blaaaave' and as we all know, 'to blave' means 'to bluff'! Eh?! So you were probably playing Exploding Snap, and he cheated, so you-"
"LIAR!!! LI-AAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!" A wild eyed, little old lady ran out of the shadows shaking her finger furiously at Max.
"Stay back, witch!"
"I'm not a witch, I'm your WIFE! But after what you just said, I don't even think I wanna be THAT anymore!" "You never had it so good!"
"He said true love Max, true love!"
"Not another wo-ord, Valerie."
V: "Ever since Prince Humperdink fired him, his confidence is shattered!"
MM: "Why did you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!"
V: "Whaaat? Humperdink?"
MM: "Ah!"
Valerie then chased Miracle Max around the hut, screaming "Humperdink!"
Harry: "Humperdink bet that Ron would be dead at "The End." If you save him, you will STOP Humperdink's winning streak!"
MM: "What what?!?! I save him, Humperdink loses?!?!"
Harry: "Humiliations galore!"
MM: "Gimme the 65. I'm on the job!"
V: 'Woo hoo!"

Later…

Miracle Max held up a strange, date-sized thing with some large tweezers, and began painting it with melted chocolate.
"That's a miracle pill?" inquired Harry incredulously. "Chocolate coating makes it go down easier." answered Val, "but you have to wait 15 minutes for full potency. And he shouldn't go swimming for, What? an hour? Yeah, an hour."
Harry: "Thank you both very much."
Outside the hut, Harry played wizard chess with Gandalf and lost in 15 minutes (how convenient). So they then gave Ron the miracle pill. Suddenly, Ron was back on his feet, as lively as ever.
"OH RON!" sobbed Hermione, "We thought that we lost you forever!"
"Really?" exclaimed Ron, "Well, next time I die, look at it logically (your specialty): there are still two more books to go after this (probably a wizard's college series also, I'll bet). Who would be Harry's sidekick if I died? Neville? Also, did I say anything when I was, er, under?"
Nervously, Hermione said, "No, not really."
"Besides, " Harry smiled, "you can't die. You still owe me for the Omnioculars." (Ron winced and looked suddenly as if he wished he were dead again.)
Suddenly (this seems to happen a lot, doesn't it?) a horde of misc. monsters and creatures pranced through the field in front of what was fast becoming a small crowd, all of them screaming, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE KILLER PSYCHO LUNATIC CREATURE OF DOOM IS HEADING THIS WAY! RUN! PRANCE! JOG! THROUGH A TEA PARTY!" Suddenly, all was silent.
Gandalf scowled. 'Well…that was …disturbing. What's a 'killer psycho lunatic creature of doom' anyway?"
Suddenly, everyone turned around for no obvious reason and looked at Hermione, who was standing still.
"Th-th-th-the kkkkkkkki-ll-l-l-l-er psycho l-lunit-tic c-creature of d-do-om… is here now?!?!?! WE'RE DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW WWWWWWWWWWWWAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!" Suddenly, she started screaming uncontrollably. Harry blanched. "What is this, uh, KPLCD, anyway?"
"Only the most dreadful of all creatures! It'll grind your bones to make its break, make a suit from your freshly peeled skin, shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes!"
"But what IS it?!?!?"
"A rrrrr-rabit."
"A what?"
"A rrrr-rabit," said Tim the enchanter, "the most dreadful and terrible thing to walk the earth…"
"Tim the Enchanter!" exclaimed Harry, "But where did YOU come from?"
"Oh, I was a wee bit bored so I dropped by to visit me ol' friend Scotty, but he was busy fightin' some unruly Klingons with a plastic yoyo on a pint of frozen milk. So I thought I'd help you all out a bit."
"How IS Scotty? I haven't seen him in ages!" inquired Gandalf.
"He's ratter fine, ma' lad."
"We have GOT to get together at a Starbucks some time… Perhaps the new one on the sacred mountain of Taniquetil in Valinor… You know, there was a big fight among the Valar over its location, but the will of Manwë prevailed in the end. I hear that it is deemed… hot, I think the word was… among the Maiar - "
Gandalf, although an immortal angelic being, failed to perceive what looked like a huge meteor hurtling through the sky.
"He-LLO! Earth to MAGES! The killer psycho lunatic creature of doom is coming!" screamed Harry.
"Oh. Rrrrrright!."
Tim suddenly screamed out a string of incomprehensible words, which sounded a lot like a ferret being skinned alive while drinking a cherry Pepsi upside-down and howling out a very bad version of "Jingle Bells."
Suddenly (a very useful word, that…) a small caravan of Monks appeared, some swinging incense burners, others carrying a large box, and one at the front who carried a heavy book. Gandalf started to say something but Tim glared at him.
"Hello, Father." said Tim "We need the Holy Hand Grenade. Give us the condensed version of the verses."
"Alright." said the head monk. He signaled to someone at the back who opened the box and brought a large grenade with a cross on top. The younger monk handed the grenade to Harry.
"Pull the pin, and count to three. Three shall be the number that you shall count, and the number that you shall count shall be three. Four you shalt not count, neither two, accept when in passing to three. Then shalt thou throw it."
"OK." said Harry. "One-two- FIVE!"
"Three, suh." said Ron.
"THREE!" And Harry hurled the grenade. It sailed towards the meteor…

BOOM!

---

Suddenly, a "crash" was heard in the forest. In fact, it was a very large crash that sounded very much like it was caused by a golden spaceship shaped like a sneaker with the words Heart of Gold printed on the side and an Infinite Improbability Drive at it's heart, containing four humanoid life forms and one glum cybernetic being.
"Hey." said Ron. "That very large crash sounded very much like it was caused by a golden spaceship shaped like a sneaker with the words Heart of Gold printed on the side and an Infinite Improbability Drive at it's heart, containing four humanoid life forms and one glum cybernetic being!"
"How'd you know that, Ron?" asked Hermione.
"Just a guess."
"Let's go check it out!" suggested Neo.
Cho jumped. "Where'd YOU come from?"
"Decompiling Agents got boring, so I thought I'd hang out with you guys."
"Suit yourself."
Hermione stared at Neo in dismay. "This is getting out of hand."
But Cho eyed his impossible black leather cyber-punk outfit with interest. "Ya know, I think that you and Ronan should get together sometime…"

When they found the golden spaceship shaped like a sneaker with the words Heart of Gold printed on the side and an Infinite Improbability Drive at it's heart, containing four humanoid life forms and one glum cybernetic being, they were in awe of its magnificence.
Its power.
Its utter stupidity.
A hatch opened in the side.
A rather glum-looking robot suddenly came out.
"What a demeaning task I've been assigned. I'm more intelligent by far than anyone else on the planet, and I have to go outside and see if it's safe."
It looked back into the ship. "It's safe."
After a moment, it added, "The diodes on my left side still hurt."
"That's nice," said some voices from inside.
A two headed, three-armed man came out.
Two more men came out followed by a very human woman.
"Can we go now?" said both heads.
"Yeah, there's a party on Balox IV that I don't wanna miss!" said a man who looked as if his name was "Ford Prefect."
"What?"
"My name is Ford Prefect."
"Oh… Any relation to Percy?…"
"Not really. Excuse me, but where are we?"

SSZZZWEEERRROOOP! ZZZZWING! ZZAP!

As many more of like noises rang out to their left, the group suddenly turned and saw…

Darth Vader: "If you only knew the POWER of the dark side, Luke!"
Luke Skywalker: "It CAN'T BE TRUE!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"
DV: "SISTER! You have a TWIN SISTER! You have betrayed her, too."
LS: "I'm sure we can come to an agreement that would be mutually beneficial…"
HP: "Uh, guys… whatchadooooin'?"
DV: "Practicing."
LS: "For Episode two, three, seven, eight, and nine."
DV: "And for all the 'Special Edition' 's."
HP: "Oh. Well, we're on a wildly surreal adventure. You wanna come with?"
DV and LS get into a huddle, then a heated argument, then a bottle of French vanilla cream cheese, and then return to the group. "Kay. But we wanna do a karaoke party first."
The rest of the group gets into a huddle, then a heated duel (or two, or three, or eleven), then a box of mixed nuts, then return. "Kay."  [While editing, Her_My_Oh_Knee's eyebrows go up.  "Blaine," she says nervously, "you've, ah, switched tenses…"  Blaine's face is distorted into a hideously maniacal jack o' lantern grin.  Waving dragon staff and boomerang in the air, he screams, "BWA HA HA HA HA!!!  I am King of Tense Changes!  Now the ferret will REALLY hit the flan!!!"  Her_My_Oh_Knee squeaks with terror:  "But if Mrs. Antypas finds this on the Web…  she'll hack into my transcripts and bring my English grade down to a 'D'!"  "Wouldn't that be… UP to a 'D'?"  Her_My_Oh_Knee is Wroth.  She charges Blaine with her elven sword.  "Firecuva manyannen!!!"  Blaine throws himself on the floor and Her_My_Oh_Knee's sword skewers the Frodo poster on the wall.  Both of them scream and forget their quarrel: "NOOOOOO!!!"  They are last seen groveling obsequiously in sackcloth and ashes at Frodo's shrine, begging His forgiveness. (Hee hee.)]     
Gandalf summoned the karaoke machine, Harry conjured the dance floor, Hermione set up the lights, and Ron muttered away in a corner about the impossibility of impossibilities while spontaneously combusting and reading an autobiography of cheese. Needless to say, everyone got their groove on at the same moment, thereby creating an impossible time flux that destroyed the very fabric of space-time and ended the universe.

The End.

However, SUDDENLY a parallel universe was created because of the space-time flux, and our story goes on from there.

After the party, Harry suddenly realized that he has left the oven on in his pajamas back at the castle, so he pulled out the remote control and turned it off (electronics work now, but this probably won't suddenly affect the story in any sudden way at all).

Since the first party went so darn well, they suddenly decided to have another one, but the karaoke machine was broken and Gandalf wasn't about to pay another $176 S&H (Sizzlers&Hotel fee; for the poor karaoke machine needed to rest after its arduous journey from Isengard whence Gandalf summoned it - to the fury of his hapless rival wizard Saruman. Duh.), so they decided to get some paper and have a limerick party. They ended up with a lot of very clever and very naughty limericks, since that is what a limerick is (clever and disturbingly naughty. See the Oxford-Quenya Dictionary, Frodo edition, for the whole definition). They then bound the limericks into a single volume and had it published under the title, "Clever and Very Naughty Limericks, By Way Too Many People to Mention Because This Book Would Then Be As Long As War and Peace." It sold several millions copies in the UK, several million more in the US, and many more around the globe. It topped every relevant Best Sellers list for five-six weeks, and then dropped out of the lists, bookstores, public opinion, and a bowl of clam chowder. This made our heroes so fabulously rich that Harry moved out of the Dursley's house, and they moved into the Poorhouse. [Her_My_Oh_Knee is back! "And her jaw is on the floor. You have done well… ::cackles diabolically for a moment:: Your love of the halflings' leaf has clearly… um… enhanced your powers of insanity… Blaine… Blaine?" ::Blaine looks up from doing an enthusiastic rendition of Riverdance while singing "There Was An Inn, A Merry Old Inn" whilst dancing on top of a tankard of beer on Merry Brandybuck's kitchen table.:: "Huh?" ::Her_My_Oh_Knee rolls her eyes - and Pippin drinks the pint, ha ha…:: "Well, if you're going to cavort with drunken hobbits all night, I guess I have to carry on this pointless story… don't blame me…" "EXCUSE ME!" screamed Blaine, "What have you got against drunken hobbits, anyway? Drunken Hobbits are people too! Hey - that would be a great name for a rock band…" P.S.: While Her_My_Oh_Knee sits downstairs sipping Elven mint tea while watching whether or not the ball is going to drop in Times Square (O! The suspense!), I will be sitting up here trying to finish my Project for Quenya Class at school. (I have to translate the "Valaquenta" into English… Elbereth help me.)  Her_My_Oh_Knee returns cheerfully.  "Okay - so no one blew up Times Square.  Ah!" ::cracks knuckles and sits down at keyboard:: "Here goes!"]

Our heroes returned from their last book-signing tour, flushed with success and laden with enough Rolex watches, platinum jewelry and Armani outfits worth enough to have run the school for a year or two, if they hadn't squandered most of their money in Las Vegas. Thanks to Hermione's time-turner, they arrived back at Hogwarts on the same day that they had left. (Though they had a terrible time getting the chain around everyone.) As they walked back towards the castle, thoroughly satisfied with themselves, Neo stopped and stared. "Oh no."

Harry whirled around and hissed "What now?"

A tall figure was coming towards them from under the eaves of the Forbidden Forest. He had pointed ears and wore dark velvet robes, and his long hair was combed back in a most unflattering style. Harry shrugged. "It's Elrond. So?"

Hermione squinted. "That's an ELF? I thought they were supposed to be 'wondrous fair to look upon'."

"Well, this is MOVIE Elrond, you know."

Neo gulped. "Yeah."

Elrond walked slowly up to Neo and stopped. "Men are weak. Our list of allies grows thin." His eyebrows arched satanically.

"Elrond my old friend, surely you don't think that Aragorn is a pansy? What's gotten into you?" Gandalf protested.

Suddenly there was a bone-chillingly evil shriek from the Forest, followed by the sound of thundering hooves. Nine sets of hooves. "That, Mr. Anderson," said Elrond with a sinister smile, "is the sound of inevitability."

With a cry, Neo threw back his trenchcoat, whipped out a machine gun, and turned Elrond into swiss cheese. There was some staticky crackling, and Elrond turned into a man who looked rather like an FBI agent. Neo picked up his wallet. The card inside read "Agent Smith". Neo threw it down. "Ha! I always knew there was something wrong with that guy!"
At that exact moment, a micro-wormhole appeared for a moment right in front of Neo's mouth, carrying the words "that guy" from our fanfic into the peace conference of the Tiny Men of Rirhath B, where all heard them. Unfortunately, in Rirhath dialect, "that guy" is one of the worst insults that you can use on someone ("Time to water the clocks" is even worse). This caused a war that consumed fifteen thousand years and billions of Rirhathian lives before it was found out who had actually said it. A war party of every Rirhathian ship rushed across the galaxy towards Earth but was swallowed up by a ravenous, rabid Korneesh Pixie before it reached the Asteroid Belt. But who cares about that?
Ford Prefect stared at the lifeless Agent. "I knew I should have checked the improbability readings before I left this morning," he said calmly. Hermione looked vaguely shell-shocked, but Ron was taking everything in stride: he privately suspected that he was still dead. The hoof-beats from the forest grew louder, and our heroes engaged in some quick decision making…

Gandalf: "RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And they did. But it's impossible to outrun horses, especially demonically possessed horses that are being ridden mercilessly by hideous Ringwraiths, and they were still far away from the castle. Our heroes (and heroines!) would have been caught and sliced to ribbons by savage swords, had a miracle not happened…

As they slogged through a small stream that ran past the foot of the hill, Harry saw something glinting under the water. He reached down and picked it up. It was a huge white gem, and when his hand touched it, it blazed with the most pure and dazzling light that Harry had ever seen. The sun looked like a birthday candle by comparison. "What-"

Gandalf ran over to him. "The last Silmaril!" he shouted. His voice echoed far away. There was bright flash on top of the hill, and now there came the sound of hooves from the opposite direction. Much closer. Harry groaned. "We're doooooomed…"

Everyone turned slowly and looked up. Racing down the hill came a company of characters that looked as though they could have ridden straight out of an ancient heroic saga. They charged straight past everyone, met the Ringwraiths head on, and routed them after a short and violent battle. Then they reined in their horses and rode back to Harry & Co. "Now THOSE are elves," whispered Hermione in awe.

"There are humans there too," remarked Harry. He had put the Silmaril in his pocket, and didn't feel inclined to bring it out again for some reason. Even Gandalf looked nervous. The tallest elf got down from his horse and walked up to them. His seven sons stood behind him, tapping their fingers restlessly on their sword-hilts in a most unnerving manner. Gandalf shut his eyes. "Oh no, oh no…"

"What?" Harry hissed.

"That's Feänor. He made the Silmarils. They were stolen. Now he and his sons have sworn to kill anyone who has one."

"Splendid."

Feänor glared at them all. "Someone said 'Silmaril'. Where is it?" Harry furtively chucked the Silmaril over his shoulder and began coughing obnoxiously.

"Uh, over there!"

Feänor gave a shout and ran to pick it up. But as soon as he touched it, he screamed with pain because it had burned his hand. One of his sons snickered. Feänor began cursing exquisitely in Quenya. "Silence, Maedhros, you little Teleri punk! Curufin! Caranthir! Amras! One of you help me with this!" Caranthir rummaged through his father's saddlebag, and produced a pair of asbestos oven mitts and some calamine lotion. Amrod donned the oven mitts and scooped the Silmaril into an iron box, while Maglor and Celegorm bandaged their father's fingers. Meanwhile, Hermione and Cho were talking breathlessly with the other three guys in the group. Only one of them was an elf: an archer named Beleg. Hermione asked him if he knew Legolas. "Yes, actually… He's been holed up in his flet for the last three months, hiding from his fans. I heard that one girl tried to smuggle herself up there in a cask of Dorthonian wine. Sad. Some of us wouldn't mind the attention though. No one ever pays any attention to me…"

One of the guys next to him looked up. He had been moody and silent until now. Cho thought he was cute, in a dark, brooding sort of way. He had black hair and grey eyes, and seemed hurt by Beleg's comment. "I pay attention to you… I'm your best friend, remember?"

"Ha! You lead me around the wilderness on a wild goose chase - and then you kill me! Do you know how much trouble it is to have to go back to Valinor and get re-embodied?"

"That was an accident!"

Beleg sighed. "Yeah… don't go out with Túrin, Cho. He's the ORIGINAL accidental homicidal maniac."

Túrin scowled. "You'd be manic-depressive too, if the Devil had cursed you and your whole family…"
The other human guy nodded. "Morgoth can really ruin your day, can't he? I swear, we Silmarillion-ites occasionally make the Nibelungenlied sound cheerful. Ask Lúthien." He stared wistfully at nothing in particular. Hermione noticed with a shock that his right hand was missing. She then noticed that he had nice eyes. Ron didn't notice all this because a) he thought he was still dead and b) he was talking with the only woman in the group, Lúthien, an elf-lady of more-than-mortal beauty who happened to be married to Beren, who was sitting next to Beleg and Túrin and talking with Hermione.

"So you and Beren beat up Morgoth and took back the other Silmaril…"

Lúthien flashed a luminous smile. "Well, we didn't actually beat him up. I knocked him out by singing."

Ron nodded dreamily. "You are a knock-out…"

"What?  Lumbúlë?  Nuruhuïni?"  She looked at him with concern.

"Nothing."

Gandalf suddenly shouted "Okay! It's time to go everyone!" A sullen Feänor was standing by his horse, waiting, his seven psychotic sons behind him. The other elves and humans gathered around Gandalf, unaware as yet of the messy new love triangles that they had constructed. Everyone marched up the hill.

At last they reached the castle, all of them alive and well - pretty much. They walked into the Great Hall, which was empty, except for one person sitting at the head of the teacher's table. It was… Albus Dumbledore! He stood up slowly. Harry gulped. Ford Prefect gazed at him serenely, Feänor and his sons watched him suspiciously, and Gandalf stared in outrage: "Who is this hack job? I'm getting a copyright lawyer!" Darth Vader and Luke wondered why they were here. Tim the Enchanter was wondering if Dumbledore would allow him to swing on the chandelier. Atrus was "revising" one of his books. Neo was talking intensely with Ronan, who had just walked in followed by Dobby, Miracle Max, the Balrog, Fred, George, the Ringwraiths, and EVERYONE else, including Voldemort. Ron looked around in bemusement. "Now I remember. This is what I saw the night I drank that vodka Victor Krum gave me at the Halloween dance. Incredible stuff…" He decided to look at the ceiling.
This would have been the perfect moment for everyone to form a chorus line and break out into Andrew Lloyd Webber or Gilbert & Sullivan or something. But only half of them could sing, and all of them were from Middle Earth, and they only knew chants of power and old heroic lays. So the moment went to…
…Her_My_Oh_Knee and Blaine, who materialized with a resplendent [I love that word!] flash of light, right in front of Dumbledore. "HI!!!!!! Hola! Konichiwa! Aiya! Mae Govannen! Waaazzzaaappp!"
Dumbledore walked forward slowly, trying to contain his laughter. He scanned the various refugees of literature and cinema gathered in the Hall, turned to Blaine and Her_My_Oh_Knee, and said:
"Not feeling very creative, were we?"

"We did run out of coffee on the third page," admitted Blaine.

The End