*AUTHOR'S NOTES: After a long disappearance (let's say, 3 months?), I am back. Changed the title, revised the format, and here it is! THE LAST PART! The song's here already, although I wrote the lyrics not in order as they appeared on the song. Anyway, just enjoy. Thank you.

*DISCLAIMER: I don't own Evangelion, and all other Anno's masterpieces out there. Also, I am not Staind's manager or something. So don't sue me.

BLACK RAIN: PART THREE

Shinji stood still, looking directly at the grave wearing an expressionless and cold gaze. He wanted to run away, away from that intimidating figure wearing a heartless stare. His father…

But, wait a minute… He's not alive anymore. He's pretty damn dead already! So why am I running away? Hah! He's buried six feet underground. And now--

I AM NOT TURNING AWAY!

"I am not a coward anymore. I'm brave and old enough…"

He gripped his fists.

Brave enough to tell everything and all…

Brave enough to accept the truth…

Brave enough to show you what I feel…

All of a sudden, he heard a song coming from far away. The lone sound of a plucked acoustic guitar… and it heightens Shinji's depressed emotion with its every beat.

A raindrop fell, then another, until it all dropped off.

A clap of thunder followed. Still he stood there, in waiting. Then, he sang…

"Well I know the words

But I can't really speak them

To you."

And memories flooded his mind.

Only a few times I've seen you during my childhood years, and for a very long interval I gathered my courage for me to speak, yet all of a sudden it all dissolve into thin air, upon seeing those blank eyes so deep and chilling. Suddenly, I chicken out…

"And I hide all the pain

That I gained with my wisdom

From you."

"You want to quit being a pilot, then?" His cold and commanding voice asked. I can't believe that it's me whom he's talking to.

I balled my hands into fists, and then nodded in reply.

"Well then, you're not needed here anymore." I heard him say as I was being pulled out of his room, as dark and empty as his thoughts and feelings.

"You're lifeless, you're cold. You have no heart… and for these I will hate you forever… and I wish that you've never been my father."

"Irresponsible, numb, senseless…" The thoughts sink in.

But---

"…I'm eaten alive

By what I hold inside

All those things that I live with

I can't easily hide."

--- There's something inside me that doesn't want to abandon you even though I really wanted to. There's a part of me that doesn't want to go; a part of me that insists on going back and never giving up on you…

There's a part of me that yearns for your appreciation, respect, concern, and attention--- those things that you've never given me during your life.

But then, there's only one situation where I experienced it…

"Good job, Unit-01 pilot…"

My childish pride… my joy. My simple, shallow joy. All built up… within that one valuable sentence…

And the only sentence that made me long for you…

Many times I tried very hard to please you, to fit for your high standards. So many times that I can't remember when… I have tried to see or hear you laugh.

Any son would want that for his father… "And I'm left here with nothing

Nothing to live for

But you…"

--That became my undertaking for being an Eva pilot… not only because I want to haunt you down in payment for the worst thing you've done to me…

---Leaving me alone out there, out in this wilderness.

But because I--- I…

Shinji was already drenched in the freezing rain, still he stood there, bowing his head down.

Something hot dropped to the ground.

Hot and full of rage… his tears.

"The symbol of pouring down one's thoughts and deepest, darkest secrets.. and being true to yourself."

--- I want to be with you. I want to see you always. I crave hard to be close to you to see if you are doing okay, to be there just in time when you need me, your son. But then…

"I can't seem to erase

All the scars I have lived with

From you…"

---You've caused me scars, deep scars seen not from the outside, but from the soul that is inside. These scars are still bleeding and are not easily healed by time. These painful emotional scars came from the times you disregarded me, when you overlooked me. Furthermore, those times when you neglected me and rejected all the hard work I've done…

"When you look at my face,

Does it seem just as ugly?

To you?"

--- Yes, probably if you're alive right now… these things I am saying seems really funny. But no, not for me. For I am getting caught in between mixed emotions. Anger remains but respect still reigns in another side. I value you a lot, father, but I don't and cannot show it to you…because I am anxious… of those eyes behind that pair of glasses, which seemed to bore deep inside my fragile and feeble being, and breaking it like a lightweight shard of glass.

"I am so sick of this place

And this taste in my mouth

Cause of you I can't figure

What I am all about…"

The rain poured harder, and the lightning crashed about. He stood still, "talking" with his father…

---"Who am I? What is my purpose?" These are the questions that bugged me ever since my childhood… and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, GENDO! It's all because of you that I have no confidence and trust in myself…

But then…

"…I m left here with nothing

Nothing to live for

But you…"

He kneeled in front of the grave.

---It's also because of you that I struggled to survive, just to prove you that I am SOMETHING. It's also because of you that I am still here, standing with my own two feet. You made me stronger and a better person.

From all your failures as a person I've gained lessons; from all your weaknesses I gained strength.

And there's much more I need to say…

"I love you father. I do and I always will…"

---I realized it only these things I've been telling you after your death. You're shocked, aren't you? Well, it's too late to say these things. But, I am proud of you as my father.  You've taught me life's lessons, although indirectly and ambiguous From your own mistakes as a father to me I vowed that I'll ever do what you did as an irresponsible dad.

The rain ceased a little while after saying those words, and he was soaking wet, kneeling in front of his father's grave.

Tears once again formed at the corners of his eyes.

"W-will you ever--- f-forgive m-me…?" He muttered in a hoarse voice.

"It's not easy to hide all the damage inside

I'll carry you with me Until I'm not alive…"

"Ikari-sama!" His driver yelled at him, "You've been wet and soaked from the rain. I told you never to go reckless on your… I-Ikari-s-sama?" Yamamoto stopped from his sermon when he noticed Shinji breathing shallowly his cheeks deathly pale, and his hand holding his chest.

"I-Ikari-sama! Daijoobu desu ka? Are you okay? Tell me…" He panicked, his voice shaking as he gently pulled Shinji to a standing position.

"Y-Yama…moto….j-jii—san." Shinji voiced between his breaths.

"I-I should bring you to the nearest hospital…." Yamamoto assisted him as they went back to the limousine parked a few meters away from them. But before getting inside the car, Shinji looked back to his father's gravem sighed, and got inside the limo.

"No… he didn't. He didn't forgive me. Should we stay like this as long as I live?"

"Should my conscience haunt me like… forever?" "I tried… many times… but I failed…"

He muttered as the limo started to run slowly, away from the cemetery gates. 

A/N: Haay, mush… GOD! I don't know what I've been writing for all these times. It's been a looong  disappearance, ne? Well, I am happy that at last it ended here. Now all I need is your reviews. Pleeeassee? I need to know if it's just okay…

~Thank you for reading and have a nice day…~