LS: Okay, so I was the one that was holding up the story. I admit it. I'm not scared of any of you, ANYWAY! It's not like you can _actually_ hurt me! *insert 'laughs-in-the-face-of-danger' laugh and promptly gets a concrete donkey thrown at her*
CR: Thanks LA!
LS: Disclaimers blow harder than Monica Lewinski and I think you know what I'm gonna say anyway, so faak disclaimers. It's not like anyone's _actually_ going to sue me. O_o Watch me get sued now. _ . . . _ . . . _O . . . *ahem* idonotownsailormoonandneitherdoescrsoyeah. -_-;;;;
CR: Yeah! You faakin lawyers can just kiss my rice-eating, porn-watching and/or participating, Asian ass!
LS: Oh, buckets still needed for this chapter. *winks*
Chapter 2
Something woke Usagi with a start, causing her to sit up instinctively. Her eyes adjusted to the light seeping in the cave . . . cave?! Her first coherent thought was 'motherfucker' along with a few other expletives (LS: is that what I want? CR: No, you did not want whatever you just typed there) that would make Ozzy Osbourne look like Mother Teresa. She and Mamoru were still trapped on this island-and so far, only a week had passed. She had resorted to calling this stupid island the 'pit of Lucifer's toilet' a few days earlier, finding 'hell-hole' and 'shitty' too cliché to correctly illustrate her exact feelings.
They had somehow been living on this tinier-than-her-closet island, and to both their complete and utter surprise, had found that they had not killed each other yet. She didn't know whether it was because then they'd be stuck on the island alone, thus being further thrust into the dark depths of insanity, or if they were actually able to tolerate each other now.
She heard a seagull call and immediately cursed to herself again. It was probably that same damn seagull she heard every morning, the same she had seen her first moments conscious on this thoughts-of-suicide inducing island. She could remember lucid conversations with her friends of "If you could be stuck on an island with one man, who would it be?" to which she would reply dreamily, "Tuxedo Kamen." Well, looks like she got her damn wish, which just proved the old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true." Goddamn adage. Goddamn meddling friends. Goddamn stupid island.
She fell back down her makeshift bed consisting of soup can labels. So what if they didn't know what they were eating before they pried the can open-she had a nice comfy bed of sanitary soup labels which was a hell of a lot better than palm fronds and the stupid fire ants that seem to dominate the island. (After Mamoru's little incident with the ants behind the bush, they soon realized the little bastards were everywhere, stalking the two sole humans on the small island. Mamoru had the bites up and down those long sexy Tuxedo Kamen legs of his to prove it.)
Sighing heavily with a dramatic flair she could have won an Oscar for, she sat back and stared at the ceiling of their crappy cave, where they had been living out of for the past week. She could just imagine her ex-friends (notice the EX in ex-friends; very important detail there) plotting for this hare-brain scheme in hushed voices while she innocently played the newest Sailor V arcade game.
Usagi shook her head at her naivety-she was a flesh and blood super heroine! How did she _not_ know this was coming? And how the hell did the scouts expect for her disappearance to not go unnoticed? Surely her alter ego would be missed along with plain old klutzy Tsukino Usagi.
A noise came from outside.
She turned to where Mamoru's bed of soup labels was and found it empty. Usagi had thought he was sleeping. She turned her attention back to the mouth of the cave. "Mamoru-baka, is that you?"
Nothing came in reply. She pushed her newly tailored alligator-hide blanket off of her and pulled her boob t-shirt over her tightly as she stood up and walked towards the outside. "Mamoru?"
The noise was growing louder. She exited the cave, her curiosity taking over her as she made her way towards the beach. There really wasn't much in the way of vegetation-as in trees and such-but she couldn't see straight to the beach without her vision being blocked. "Mamooooru," she sing-sang.
She stopped cold when she saw that there were liquor bottles strewn across the path they had made to the beach. Had Mamoru found a stash of liquor and gotten sloshed? As her mind ran through the possibilities of the origin of the sounds, she became increasing concerned. What if he, in a drunken stupor, drowned? What if he was dead?
Something inside her fluttered. Okay, so she had to admit she was talking about Chiba Mamoru here, an insolent wench of a man who irritated her to no end, but she was also talking about Tuxedo Kamen...her hunky piece of delectable superhero taco. (CR: nice metaphor...) "Mamo-" She was just about to jog out into the beach when she was grabbed. A hand covered her mouth.
"Shhh. The bears will get you." It was Mamoru's voice and it was Mamoru's body she was pressed up against, but what the hell was he talking about? Bears? What the fuck? He really _was_ drunk. At least he hadn't drowned, though. Being paranoid about bears was better any day of the week than being dead.
He let her go and pressed a finger to his lips. "The bears...they're vicious. They'd stalk you until they catch you, and then will rip you limb to-thong-clad limb."
Either Tuxedo Kamen was going to be admitted into a mental health hospital as soon as they got off this island or AA, (LS: *group hug*) and if she had her way, both. She stared at him like such. "Are you drunk, Mamoru?"
He muffled his laugh in her very short hair, saying nothing and only pointed. Her eyes followed to where his finger was directed, wondering what he wanted her to see.
Her jaw dropped.
Sitting on the beach were two BEARS, one brown and one black, each surrounded by discarded bottles and each with their head back and guzzling down liquor as fast as an alcoholic in an open bar. From where she was, it looked to be Bacardi Silver for the brownish one and the black one had a bottle of dark rum.
Usagi then wondered if she was hallucinating. After some pinching, kicking, and blinking exaggeratedly, she knew she wasn't seeing things. Damn, she was Sailor Moon and had seen her share of strange Negaverse youmas-her absolute favorite being Miss Manners-but drunk bears on a secluded island definitely topped the list. It was like a faaking zoo here. Next thing she'd know, she'd find out they were on Isla Sonar and fighting for their lives in Jurassic Park IV. She looked over her shoulder, expecting to see a raptor and/or a T-Rex. Why not? They had bears, alligators AND snakes.
"And no, Odango, I'm not drunk. I resent that."
She turned to him, her eyes wide. "Mamoru, the bears are drinking alcohol."
He nodded slowly as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "Yes...."
Usagi rolled her eyes and pushed his hands off of her. "How? I mean, why? I mean, HOW THE HELL DID BEARS GET THEIR HANDS ON ALCOHOL?"
"I believe you mean 'paws,' not hands, Odango."
She punched him in the stomach. "That _doesn't_ matter, you prissy-assed bottle of expired Viagra. What DOES matter is the fact that we have drunk bears on our island!"
With a brief frown and look of pure concentration, he came to a conclusion after ignoring her concrete insult. "The evil cow, Moomoo Stink."
"Motoki?" she inquired with a raised eyebrow.
"It sure as hell wasn't your Hell Raising friends. They can't buy liquor." He looked at her, interested, his expression amused. "And I believe we said that _name_ was never to be uttered ever again."
"I mean, uh, that stinky bastard who 'I'm going to invite to a cookout and pour ketchup all over and eat' gave bears beer?" (LS: I'm winded from that one and I only wrote it, not said it. CR: I'm long-winded from that and I just read it, not wrote or said it)
Mamoru smiled at her. She had run it all into one long-sounding epithet. "Sounds like a tongue twister."
"It was. It took my mad Sailor Moon linguistic skills to accomplish a tongue twister of that magnitude." She winked, "I practice in the mirror." She did her little Sailor Moon stance in passing fun but then noticed he stiffened a little at the mention of Sailor Moon. Obviously, he still was getting used to the fact that his bubbly Odango klutz was in fact the mysterious super heroine he was always rescuing.
Or maybe it was the fact that she was wearing that tacky tourist super-boob shirt. At any rate, they hadn't talked about their alter egos since they first found out....
The sound of something being thrown caught them both off guard. A discarded Bacardi Silver bottle left them in a classic duck-and-cover position and barely missed hitting Usagi squarely in the head, where her right Odango would have been. After a few seconds of nothing moving, they stood up slowly, checking out the surroundings.
Their eyes fell to the bears....
"OH sweet MOTHER of PEARL!" Usagi cried horrifically, covering her eyes immediately and burying her head into his shoulder. Mamoru just stood there, shocked-and he wasn't sure if it was because Odango's position or what the bears were now doing. It seemed that the bears decided this was the moment to try and...replicate. "Are they still...doing it, Mamoru?"
BEARS were having SEX! Apparently this was the Discovery Channel's haven on this island. "We better get out of here...I don't want to know the extent of bear beer goggles." He turned and led Usagi, her head still buried in his shoulder. He placed a hand on her head expecting to feel her pigtail, but it wasn't there, jolting him a little. He had to admit that he kinda missed her Odangos, no matter how much he had made fun of them before. "I admit that I was pissed when I was going to miss my Amoeba show, but _that_ does not make up for it."
After making their way back to their cave, Serena sat down on her soup-label bed, her face in deep thought. "Mamo?"
He turned to her, shamelessly adjusting his loin cloth. Her eyes bugged out a little-a loin cloth _was_ a long way on the clothes spectrum from those lavender pants and Astroturf green jacket. She still hadn't got used to the skimpy piece of cloth-though she really didn't mind at all. "Yes, Odango?"
Was it her or was this man getting more irritably sexy as the seconds fly by? Egad. She gulped slowly. "Where _was_ the liquor? It wasn't in this blasted cave...and we explored every inch of this island of Lucifer's toilet."
He thought a second. "That _is_ a good question." He walked over to her and grabbed her hand, pulling her outside the cave once more.
She rolled her eyes, ignoring where he was leading her. "Of course it's a good question. And stop calling me 'Odango,' you piece of astroturd. I told you before, and I'm sure you can see for yourself, that I no longer meet the qualifications of that pet-name." She pointed forcefully at her bobbed hair, nostrils flared. She found her eyes traveling from his face and straight to his loin cloth. "And could that dastardly loin cloth be any smaller!?"
His grin unnerved her immediately as it washed across his face. "You're just lucky this dastardly loin cloth was big enough to cover my...well-endowed assets." And took the time to stop and shake his hips.
"MAMORU, YOU HENTAI!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, slamming her hands on her face. 'Dear Diary, Tuxedo Kamen was wearing a loin cloth. I feel like jumping him right now. Please kill my ecchi thoughts because TUXEDO KAMEN _IS_ CHIBA MAMORU!'
Mamoru's smirk unnerved her. It was like he knew what she had been thinking. "You enjoyed my little hip-shaking, Odango. Admit it!"
"If I was a _HENTAI LIKE YOU_, you...you EVIL COW!"
Shocked didn't even begin to explain his expression. "Y-You're calling _ME_ the evil cow now? I am _not_ the evil cow in this scenario!"
She was about to retort when she spotted an old wooden chest she hadn't seen before (and awful glad for the distraction. She wasn't sure she could come up with a response to his outcry). "HARK!" she yelled loudly, scattering towards the open chest. There were claw marks on the side and a broken lock on the ground. "I take it the alcohol was in here and the bears broke into it." She reached in, carefully avoiding broken glass, coming out with an unmolested bottle of liquor.
Mamoru immediately took it from her hands, leaving her in a daze. "Odango, you're underage. I think I'm going to have to drink this...to protect you from yourself."
Usagi rolled her eyes blatantly, placing her hands on her hips, trying to make herself look older than she was. The image looked hilarious with the tourist boob shirt though. "It's not like I've never had alcohol before, you pigeon poop-covered statue."
"So you had a half-a-glass of something before you were sloshed. Good for you. And now, I'm going to toast myself to Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raiser's demise." He opened the bottle with is strong hands and took a brief swig. "I say when we get back, we just drop them off on this very same island with NO toilet paper, NO toothbrush even in the singular, NO food, NO clothes, NO liquor, and let them survive with snakes that impersonate vines, evil alligators, and drunken bears."
Usagi looked around to see if the little mother fuckers (their synonym for 'ants' now) were anywhere in sight. They weren't, so she sat down next to her almost-nekkid savior. "We can't do that, Mamo. It's not creative enough for the evil cow and his hellions. It has to be...pure revenge."
He took another swig, sitting down next to her. "You got any ideas?"
"You mean besides Moon Tiara-ing their asses? No. But they deserve only the best, Mamoru, only the best. They are, after all, Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers." His exacting grin was something that caused her to smile and laugh. "It looks like you may have a plan of revenge, though. Care to share, you devilish superhero you?"
"Moto-I mean, _the evil cow_-since this was most likely his doing, along with that whore Mina, we might as well strike first with him. And I have the perfect revenge." A smile crossed his lips that admittedly made her note to herself to never piss him off. It was almost enough to make her shit in her thong. "Once a month he orders ice cream cones in bulk." The bottle kept going up towards his mouth ever-so-often, Usagi's eyes following his every moment. "And he always complains that the order number is too close to another product's order number...."
She nodded, listening, knowing instinctively where he was going with this. "What's the other product?"
He grinned broadly. "This is one cow who is never going to know what tipped him." He threw his head back and laughed loudly. "Super-absorbency tampons."
Usagi clutched her side and literally fell over laughing. "THAT EVIL COW DESERVES IT for what he did to us!"
Mamoru laughed with her too, taking another swig. "Good thing they're super absorbency too because he's one giant asshole."
"AHAAAHHA! Ohhhh! Mina next, Mina next!" she bubbled over enthusiastically, rubbing her hands together at the thrill of her pure revengeful thoughts. "I can't believe I was ever friends with those shit disturbers." Her eyes narrowed and she could feel Mamoru's attention on her. "You know, she's so self-conscious about her butt getting bigger...that if I managed to occasionally switch out her underwear with smaller sizes...!"
It was Mamoru's turn to laugh, holding his side as he set the liquor bottle down. "That's really good, Odango, I'm quite impressed...."
"You should be. But your tampons idea is just cunningly genius...." Her hand secretively and stealthily reached for the half-empty bottle. She hadn't realized that Darien had drank that much. She got a hold on it before he noticed what she was doing.
"Rather ingenious of me, eh?" A crooked smile that could be described none other than dashing crossed his lips. "I tell you, I _am_ genius in motion."
"You mentioned that before," she pointed out, hoping to stall him as she pulled it behind her back. "But I must say that you're the most graceful, handsomest, perfectess (LS: *looks around for GW* That word almost is as good as strategery!) genius in motion I've ever seen." When he wasn't focused on her, she took a swig and immediately felt the liquor wash down her throat. Ahhh, that's the stuff. She immediately put it behind her back as he swung his attention to her. Shit. Did he see?
He looked at Usagi crossed-eyed, wondering what the hell she was up to. He was Tuxedo Kamen for the love of everything holy, protector of justice blah blah blah and something was telling him she was up to something. He reached for his bottle-
And noticed that it was now gone. "YOU LITTLE WHORE! GIVE ME BACK MY BOTTLE!" he cried in pure fury, his face distorting into something Usagi would describe as 'raging evil and downright scary.'
She quickly started running away from him, lifting the bottle to her lips and swigged a little. "I'm stuck on this [insert something Crish (CR: what about cunty?)] island too, you know! I could at least get a taste of it!" Obviously, her alter ego was showing through at moment because she was running pretty damn fast.
But not fast enough. He was about to catch up with her when she stopped cold in her tracks unexpectedly, her arms out to the side for balance. Mamoru, unable to stop his momentum, he ran into her, causing her to stumble forward a few feet. What was she _doing_?
The coiled-up snake was something that he realized was there only when it rattled and snapped at her. She backed up quickly to avoid the snip and Mamoru did too. "Mamo, is that the same snake I thought was a vine?" she gritted through clenched teeth. 'Faaaaaaaaak.'
He placed his hands on her shoulders, pulling her back slowly as the snake advanced on her. "It could be...." Well, even if it wasn't the same snake, it was madder than a woman stood up on a blind date while PMSing. "When I count to three, we run...okay...?"
"Mamo, are you sure this is a good idea-"
"THREE!"
Usagi turned and bolted, Mamoru grabbing her hand as they ran from the snake, dust clouds of sand forming after them. She looked over her shoulder, wide-eyed, hearing something behind them. "MAMO! THE BASTARD SNAKE IS _CHASING_ US!"
He turned and saw that she was right-the snake _was_ chasing them. What the FUCK!? He pulled Usagi to the right quickly, the snake close behind them, cursing inside. What the HELL was this? Why did EVERYTHING have to go wrong on this island?
It had long ago been ascertained that Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers' body parts would not be identifiable once they got back to Tokyo. He now was going to edit that thought: Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers would not _HAVE_ body parts to be identified. "Jump to the left!" he cried, his legs pumping faster
Usagi wasn't too keen on that idea. "It's a drop off, you stupid cunt!" (LS: yes, I typed cunt. It's rated R, folks. I can say these things.) She didn't have time to further develop her argument, because Mamoru decided that jumping to the drop-off was a good way to get out of the snake-chasing predicament. Just like a man to figure his problems would go away by rolling down a steep (painfully steep, Usagi wanted to point out) hill.
"AHHHHHHH!" Usagi screamed as she immediately lost her footing, grabbed onto Mamoru for support, and only succeeded in pulling him down with her. They rolled down the steep drop-off, Mamoru hitting every possible painful and blunt object that could inflict pain, Usagi's screams echoing in his ears. They tumbled for what seemed forever, Usagi's eyes slammed shut as she had images of Alice and the rabbit hole flash in her mind.
When she noticed that the falling sensation (i.e. due to her falling) had stopped, she felt oddly safe and warm and protected. She sighed, not wanting to open her eyes. She heard the distant call of that same bastard seagull echoing through the air, nothing moving around her. She guessed they had lost the snake and/or it had not wanted to commit suicide by plunging over the side of a fear-inducing steep hill. She could feel her toes at least. She wiggled them to make sure.
She shifted uncomfortably, not able to place the 'weirdness factor' she was feeling at the moment-
"Odango, I would suggest not moving for the moment," Mamoru's voice said tightly.
Her eyes opened slowly, soon realizing that the only thing she could see was...Mamoru's loin cloth. Her eyes opened fully (wide as freakin' saucers, pancakes, and anything else that was round for that matter) and let out a scream that would have made several female horror movie stars narrow their eyes to slits in jealousy. "MAMORU, YOU HENTAI!"
Mamoru only sighed and rolled his eyes, still afraid to move though. "It's not like I _planned_ on falling into this position, you idiot! And _stop_ calling me a hentai! You're going to get me arrested with that loud mouth of yours." He was beginning to think that being arrested would be better than being stuck on an island with Tsukino Usagi. His inner voice laughed at him though, finding the former thought hilarious. 'Except for the moment right now, and the moment you saw her naked, and the times you see her only in a thong bikini....' He felt like stabbing his inner voice, but decided that would probably hurt too much. He settled on punching it instead.
That was when she realized something was underneath her. Something like hands. "AAAAAAH!" Someone's hands were on her butt, and she could tell right away that they _weren't_ hers. She immediately tried to push him off of her, but she couldn't move him.
"Stop moving!" he bit out painfully. Ohmylord, she was turning him on. "Dear lord, USAGI...do_not_move!"
That ceased her immediately. She heard the tone in his voice-the kind that you don't mess with, the kind that said, 'if you don't listen, you won't like the consequences.' "Mamo, your hands are on my precariously thong-clad butt." Her tourist boob t-shirt was up around her upper chest due to the tumble, leaving her lower half very revealed.
He found that she was right when he wiggled his fingers. She responded by slapping his outer thigh. Was it her or was his loin cloth growing closer? "Okay, you're going to roll off me now, thus letting go of my posterior end in one single motion. Got it?"
Mamoru gulped and nodded, though she couldn't see it. "Three," he said to himself, rolling off her and onto his back. He just lay there for a few moments, sighing loudly at first, which then turned into outright laughter. He could hear her shuffle and brush the dirt off of her, imagining the sourpuss expression she was wearing.
"What are _you_ laughing, you jerk?" She crossed her arms over her two chests (one: hers, two: her t-shirt's).
He remained laying, only turning her head over to meet her gaze. "What? No creative insult this time? Only jerk?"
"So you want me to make up a creative insult every time I find the need to address you? I can't be that creative under pressure sometimes, you know." CR: you know, LS?)
"I understand. Here, Odango, help me up." He extended his hand towards her, putting on an innocent face. "Please? I don't think I can stand by myself...."
She hesitated, rolling her eyes once more. "Fine," she spat as she stomped over to him. She placed her hand inside his....
And immediately found that she was now under him. She gasped loudly, putting her hands on his shoulders and started pushing him away. But as his midnight blue eyes stared into hers, she lost all fight. The bastard just _had_ to be the most handsome man she had ever seen, her knees growing weak as if she had just run a marathon (26 miles), ran across the pacific ocean (23487925 miles), and then ran to the moon and back (2347572345987 miles). Good thing she wasn't standing. (LS: Oh, some of those numbers may be the result of me randomly pressing keys with *gasp* numbers on them CR: oh, and here I thought you actually went and did some research on this, you cunt-whore)
He said something that she didn't catch at first, her chest rising and falling and thus not enabling her to hear properly. "Huh?"
"You really are something else, Tsukino Usagi...." she realized he had said only when he repeated it.
"I have no idea what you're talk-"
His lips covered hers and she immediately felt the need to speak disappear. At first, she was so shocked that Tuxedo Kamen (in a loin cloth no less) was kissing her (LS: Thanks to me and CR's wonderfully kinky sense of humor), she had nothing she could do but lay there. And then realizing that not only was she immensely enjoying this but actually liking the way it felt inside and out, she delved her hands into that gorgeous hair of his which only managed to encourage him further, moving to her neck with those hot kisses of his. "Mamo," she thought she murmured, but it didn't exactly come out that clear. She felt something on her thigh. "Is that a gun or are you happy to see me?" she whispered into his ear as he continued to kiss her neck.
His kisses stopped as soon as her words registered in his mind..."Snake!"
"Silly, that wasn't one of the choices-" Her eyes traveled to her thighs, finding a snake slithering across her. "SNAKE!" Without waiting for anything to be said, she jumped up screaming.
He jumped up immediately and reached for a good-sized stick that looked like it would make a good walking stick, angrily advancing to where the snake had been only moments before, and instead found nothing.
Usagi was eerily quiet, not screaming or anything as he thought she would have been. "Usa? You okay?"
She turned towards him and nodded, grabbing his hand as she made her way back towards the cave, where she would look forward to a good night's sleep, safe from the craziness the island possessed. Another blasted three weeks on this island, and she couldn't wait for what the following days would hold for them. Whooppeee.
(LS: Okay, all I can write right now. *tag* You're it. You can have fun with them waking up close to each other. Feel free to add anything at all to make this another piss-dispensing chapter. CR: nah, it's all good. I'm too damn lazy to write more to an already eventful chapter. *chases after LS* Just don't expect me to catch up to you in this game-o-tag; I get easily winded)
CR: Thanks LA!
LS: Disclaimers blow harder than Monica Lewinski and I think you know what I'm gonna say anyway, so faak disclaimers. It's not like anyone's _actually_ going to sue me. O_o Watch me get sued now. _ . . . _ . . . _O . . . *ahem* idonotownsailormoonandneitherdoescrsoyeah. -_-;;;;
CR: Yeah! You faakin lawyers can just kiss my rice-eating, porn-watching and/or participating, Asian ass!
LS: Oh, buckets still needed for this chapter. *winks*
Chapter 2
Something woke Usagi with a start, causing her to sit up instinctively. Her eyes adjusted to the light seeping in the cave . . . cave?! Her first coherent thought was 'motherfucker' along with a few other expletives (LS: is that what I want? CR: No, you did not want whatever you just typed there) that would make Ozzy Osbourne look like Mother Teresa. She and Mamoru were still trapped on this island-and so far, only a week had passed. She had resorted to calling this stupid island the 'pit of Lucifer's toilet' a few days earlier, finding 'hell-hole' and 'shitty' too cliché to correctly illustrate her exact feelings.
They had somehow been living on this tinier-than-her-closet island, and to both their complete and utter surprise, had found that they had not killed each other yet. She didn't know whether it was because then they'd be stuck on the island alone, thus being further thrust into the dark depths of insanity, or if they were actually able to tolerate each other now.
She heard a seagull call and immediately cursed to herself again. It was probably that same damn seagull she heard every morning, the same she had seen her first moments conscious on this thoughts-of-suicide inducing island. She could remember lucid conversations with her friends of "If you could be stuck on an island with one man, who would it be?" to which she would reply dreamily, "Tuxedo Kamen." Well, looks like she got her damn wish, which just proved the old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true." Goddamn adage. Goddamn meddling friends. Goddamn stupid island.
She fell back down her makeshift bed consisting of soup can labels. So what if they didn't know what they were eating before they pried the can open-she had a nice comfy bed of sanitary soup labels which was a hell of a lot better than palm fronds and the stupid fire ants that seem to dominate the island. (After Mamoru's little incident with the ants behind the bush, they soon realized the little bastards were everywhere, stalking the two sole humans on the small island. Mamoru had the bites up and down those long sexy Tuxedo Kamen legs of his to prove it.)
Sighing heavily with a dramatic flair she could have won an Oscar for, she sat back and stared at the ceiling of their crappy cave, where they had been living out of for the past week. She could just imagine her ex-friends (notice the EX in ex-friends; very important detail there) plotting for this hare-brain scheme in hushed voices while she innocently played the newest Sailor V arcade game.
Usagi shook her head at her naivety-she was a flesh and blood super heroine! How did she _not_ know this was coming? And how the hell did the scouts expect for her disappearance to not go unnoticed? Surely her alter ego would be missed along with plain old klutzy Tsukino Usagi.
A noise came from outside.
She turned to where Mamoru's bed of soup labels was and found it empty. Usagi had thought he was sleeping. She turned her attention back to the mouth of the cave. "Mamoru-baka, is that you?"
Nothing came in reply. She pushed her newly tailored alligator-hide blanket off of her and pulled her boob t-shirt over her tightly as she stood up and walked towards the outside. "Mamoru?"
The noise was growing louder. She exited the cave, her curiosity taking over her as she made her way towards the beach. There really wasn't much in the way of vegetation-as in trees and such-but she couldn't see straight to the beach without her vision being blocked. "Mamooooru," she sing-sang.
She stopped cold when she saw that there were liquor bottles strewn across the path they had made to the beach. Had Mamoru found a stash of liquor and gotten sloshed? As her mind ran through the possibilities of the origin of the sounds, she became increasing concerned. What if he, in a drunken stupor, drowned? What if he was dead?
Something inside her fluttered. Okay, so she had to admit she was talking about Chiba Mamoru here, an insolent wench of a man who irritated her to no end, but she was also talking about Tuxedo Kamen...her hunky piece of delectable superhero taco. (CR: nice metaphor...) "Mamo-" She was just about to jog out into the beach when she was grabbed. A hand covered her mouth.
"Shhh. The bears will get you." It was Mamoru's voice and it was Mamoru's body she was pressed up against, but what the hell was he talking about? Bears? What the fuck? He really _was_ drunk. At least he hadn't drowned, though. Being paranoid about bears was better any day of the week than being dead.
He let her go and pressed a finger to his lips. "The bears...they're vicious. They'd stalk you until they catch you, and then will rip you limb to-thong-clad limb."
Either Tuxedo Kamen was going to be admitted into a mental health hospital as soon as they got off this island or AA, (LS: *group hug*) and if she had her way, both. She stared at him like such. "Are you drunk, Mamoru?"
He muffled his laugh in her very short hair, saying nothing and only pointed. Her eyes followed to where his finger was directed, wondering what he wanted her to see.
Her jaw dropped.
Sitting on the beach were two BEARS, one brown and one black, each surrounded by discarded bottles and each with their head back and guzzling down liquor as fast as an alcoholic in an open bar. From where she was, it looked to be Bacardi Silver for the brownish one and the black one had a bottle of dark rum.
Usagi then wondered if she was hallucinating. After some pinching, kicking, and blinking exaggeratedly, she knew she wasn't seeing things. Damn, she was Sailor Moon and had seen her share of strange Negaverse youmas-her absolute favorite being Miss Manners-but drunk bears on a secluded island definitely topped the list. It was like a faaking zoo here. Next thing she'd know, she'd find out they were on Isla Sonar and fighting for their lives in Jurassic Park IV. She looked over her shoulder, expecting to see a raptor and/or a T-Rex. Why not? They had bears, alligators AND snakes.
"And no, Odango, I'm not drunk. I resent that."
She turned to him, her eyes wide. "Mamoru, the bears are drinking alcohol."
He nodded slowly as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "Yes...."
Usagi rolled her eyes and pushed his hands off of her. "How? I mean, why? I mean, HOW THE HELL DID BEARS GET THEIR HANDS ON ALCOHOL?"
"I believe you mean 'paws,' not hands, Odango."
She punched him in the stomach. "That _doesn't_ matter, you prissy-assed bottle of expired Viagra. What DOES matter is the fact that we have drunk bears on our island!"
With a brief frown and look of pure concentration, he came to a conclusion after ignoring her concrete insult. "The evil cow, Moomoo Stink."
"Motoki?" she inquired with a raised eyebrow.
"It sure as hell wasn't your Hell Raising friends. They can't buy liquor." He looked at her, interested, his expression amused. "And I believe we said that _name_ was never to be uttered ever again."
"I mean, uh, that stinky bastard who 'I'm going to invite to a cookout and pour ketchup all over and eat' gave bears beer?" (LS: I'm winded from that one and I only wrote it, not said it. CR: I'm long-winded from that and I just read it, not wrote or said it)
Mamoru smiled at her. She had run it all into one long-sounding epithet. "Sounds like a tongue twister."
"It was. It took my mad Sailor Moon linguistic skills to accomplish a tongue twister of that magnitude." She winked, "I practice in the mirror." She did her little Sailor Moon stance in passing fun but then noticed he stiffened a little at the mention of Sailor Moon. Obviously, he still was getting used to the fact that his bubbly Odango klutz was in fact the mysterious super heroine he was always rescuing.
Or maybe it was the fact that she was wearing that tacky tourist super-boob shirt. At any rate, they hadn't talked about their alter egos since they first found out....
The sound of something being thrown caught them both off guard. A discarded Bacardi Silver bottle left them in a classic duck-and-cover position and barely missed hitting Usagi squarely in the head, where her right Odango would have been. After a few seconds of nothing moving, they stood up slowly, checking out the surroundings.
Their eyes fell to the bears....
"OH sweet MOTHER of PEARL!" Usagi cried horrifically, covering her eyes immediately and burying her head into his shoulder. Mamoru just stood there, shocked-and he wasn't sure if it was because Odango's position or what the bears were now doing. It seemed that the bears decided this was the moment to try and...replicate. "Are they still...doing it, Mamoru?"
BEARS were having SEX! Apparently this was the Discovery Channel's haven on this island. "We better get out of here...I don't want to know the extent of bear beer goggles." He turned and led Usagi, her head still buried in his shoulder. He placed a hand on her head expecting to feel her pigtail, but it wasn't there, jolting him a little. He had to admit that he kinda missed her Odangos, no matter how much he had made fun of them before. "I admit that I was pissed when I was going to miss my Amoeba show, but _that_ does not make up for it."
After making their way back to their cave, Serena sat down on her soup-label bed, her face in deep thought. "Mamo?"
He turned to her, shamelessly adjusting his loin cloth. Her eyes bugged out a little-a loin cloth _was_ a long way on the clothes spectrum from those lavender pants and Astroturf green jacket. She still hadn't got used to the skimpy piece of cloth-though she really didn't mind at all. "Yes, Odango?"
Was it her or was this man getting more irritably sexy as the seconds fly by? Egad. She gulped slowly. "Where _was_ the liquor? It wasn't in this blasted cave...and we explored every inch of this island of Lucifer's toilet."
He thought a second. "That _is_ a good question." He walked over to her and grabbed her hand, pulling her outside the cave once more.
She rolled her eyes, ignoring where he was leading her. "Of course it's a good question. And stop calling me 'Odango,' you piece of astroturd. I told you before, and I'm sure you can see for yourself, that I no longer meet the qualifications of that pet-name." She pointed forcefully at her bobbed hair, nostrils flared. She found her eyes traveling from his face and straight to his loin cloth. "And could that dastardly loin cloth be any smaller!?"
His grin unnerved her immediately as it washed across his face. "You're just lucky this dastardly loin cloth was big enough to cover my...well-endowed assets." And took the time to stop and shake his hips.
"MAMORU, YOU HENTAI!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, slamming her hands on her face. 'Dear Diary, Tuxedo Kamen was wearing a loin cloth. I feel like jumping him right now. Please kill my ecchi thoughts because TUXEDO KAMEN _IS_ CHIBA MAMORU!'
Mamoru's smirk unnerved her. It was like he knew what she had been thinking. "You enjoyed my little hip-shaking, Odango. Admit it!"
"If I was a _HENTAI LIKE YOU_, you...you EVIL COW!"
Shocked didn't even begin to explain his expression. "Y-You're calling _ME_ the evil cow now? I am _not_ the evil cow in this scenario!"
She was about to retort when she spotted an old wooden chest she hadn't seen before (and awful glad for the distraction. She wasn't sure she could come up with a response to his outcry). "HARK!" she yelled loudly, scattering towards the open chest. There were claw marks on the side and a broken lock on the ground. "I take it the alcohol was in here and the bears broke into it." She reached in, carefully avoiding broken glass, coming out with an unmolested bottle of liquor.
Mamoru immediately took it from her hands, leaving her in a daze. "Odango, you're underage. I think I'm going to have to drink this...to protect you from yourself."
Usagi rolled her eyes blatantly, placing her hands on her hips, trying to make herself look older than she was. The image looked hilarious with the tourist boob shirt though. "It's not like I've never had alcohol before, you pigeon poop-covered statue."
"So you had a half-a-glass of something before you were sloshed. Good for you. And now, I'm going to toast myself to Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raiser's demise." He opened the bottle with is strong hands and took a brief swig. "I say when we get back, we just drop them off on this very same island with NO toilet paper, NO toothbrush even in the singular, NO food, NO clothes, NO liquor, and let them survive with snakes that impersonate vines, evil alligators, and drunken bears."
Usagi looked around to see if the little mother fuckers (their synonym for 'ants' now) were anywhere in sight. They weren't, so she sat down next to her almost-nekkid savior. "We can't do that, Mamo. It's not creative enough for the evil cow and his hellions. It has to be...pure revenge."
He took another swig, sitting down next to her. "You got any ideas?"
"You mean besides Moon Tiara-ing their asses? No. But they deserve only the best, Mamoru, only the best. They are, after all, Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers." His exacting grin was something that caused her to smile and laugh. "It looks like you may have a plan of revenge, though. Care to share, you devilish superhero you?"
"Moto-I mean, _the evil cow_-since this was most likely his doing, along with that whore Mina, we might as well strike first with him. And I have the perfect revenge." A smile crossed his lips that admittedly made her note to herself to never piss him off. It was almost enough to make her shit in her thong. "Once a month he orders ice cream cones in bulk." The bottle kept going up towards his mouth ever-so-often, Usagi's eyes following his every moment. "And he always complains that the order number is too close to another product's order number...."
She nodded, listening, knowing instinctively where he was going with this. "What's the other product?"
He grinned broadly. "This is one cow who is never going to know what tipped him." He threw his head back and laughed loudly. "Super-absorbency tampons."
Usagi clutched her side and literally fell over laughing. "THAT EVIL COW DESERVES IT for what he did to us!"
Mamoru laughed with her too, taking another swig. "Good thing they're super absorbency too because he's one giant asshole."
"AHAAAHHA! Ohhhh! Mina next, Mina next!" she bubbled over enthusiastically, rubbing her hands together at the thrill of her pure revengeful thoughts. "I can't believe I was ever friends with those shit disturbers." Her eyes narrowed and she could feel Mamoru's attention on her. "You know, she's so self-conscious about her butt getting bigger...that if I managed to occasionally switch out her underwear with smaller sizes...!"
It was Mamoru's turn to laugh, holding his side as he set the liquor bottle down. "That's really good, Odango, I'm quite impressed...."
"You should be. But your tampons idea is just cunningly genius...." Her hand secretively and stealthily reached for the half-empty bottle. She hadn't realized that Darien had drank that much. She got a hold on it before he noticed what she was doing.
"Rather ingenious of me, eh?" A crooked smile that could be described none other than dashing crossed his lips. "I tell you, I _am_ genius in motion."
"You mentioned that before," she pointed out, hoping to stall him as she pulled it behind her back. "But I must say that you're the most graceful, handsomest, perfectess (LS: *looks around for GW* That word almost is as good as strategery!) genius in motion I've ever seen." When he wasn't focused on her, she took a swig and immediately felt the liquor wash down her throat. Ahhh, that's the stuff. She immediately put it behind her back as he swung his attention to her. Shit. Did he see?
He looked at Usagi crossed-eyed, wondering what the hell she was up to. He was Tuxedo Kamen for the love of everything holy, protector of justice blah blah blah and something was telling him she was up to something. He reached for his bottle-
And noticed that it was now gone. "YOU LITTLE WHORE! GIVE ME BACK MY BOTTLE!" he cried in pure fury, his face distorting into something Usagi would describe as 'raging evil and downright scary.'
She quickly started running away from him, lifting the bottle to her lips and swigged a little. "I'm stuck on this [insert something Crish (CR: what about cunty?)] island too, you know! I could at least get a taste of it!" Obviously, her alter ego was showing through at moment because she was running pretty damn fast.
But not fast enough. He was about to catch up with her when she stopped cold in her tracks unexpectedly, her arms out to the side for balance. Mamoru, unable to stop his momentum, he ran into her, causing her to stumble forward a few feet. What was she _doing_?
The coiled-up snake was something that he realized was there only when it rattled and snapped at her. She backed up quickly to avoid the snip and Mamoru did too. "Mamo, is that the same snake I thought was a vine?" she gritted through clenched teeth. 'Faaaaaaaaak.'
He placed his hands on her shoulders, pulling her back slowly as the snake advanced on her. "It could be...." Well, even if it wasn't the same snake, it was madder than a woman stood up on a blind date while PMSing. "When I count to three, we run...okay...?"
"Mamo, are you sure this is a good idea-"
"THREE!"
Usagi turned and bolted, Mamoru grabbing her hand as they ran from the snake, dust clouds of sand forming after them. She looked over her shoulder, wide-eyed, hearing something behind them. "MAMO! THE BASTARD SNAKE IS _CHASING_ US!"
He turned and saw that she was right-the snake _was_ chasing them. What the FUCK!? He pulled Usagi to the right quickly, the snake close behind them, cursing inside. What the HELL was this? Why did EVERYTHING have to go wrong on this island?
It had long ago been ascertained that Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers' body parts would not be identifiable once they got back to Tokyo. He now was going to edit that thought: Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers would not _HAVE_ body parts to be identified. "Jump to the left!" he cried, his legs pumping faster
Usagi wasn't too keen on that idea. "It's a drop off, you stupid cunt!" (LS: yes, I typed cunt. It's rated R, folks. I can say these things.) She didn't have time to further develop her argument, because Mamoru decided that jumping to the drop-off was a good way to get out of the snake-chasing predicament. Just like a man to figure his problems would go away by rolling down a steep (painfully steep, Usagi wanted to point out) hill.
"AHHHHHHH!" Usagi screamed as she immediately lost her footing, grabbed onto Mamoru for support, and only succeeded in pulling him down with her. They rolled down the steep drop-off, Mamoru hitting every possible painful and blunt object that could inflict pain, Usagi's screams echoing in his ears. They tumbled for what seemed forever, Usagi's eyes slammed shut as she had images of Alice and the rabbit hole flash in her mind.
When she noticed that the falling sensation (i.e. due to her falling) had stopped, she felt oddly safe and warm and protected. She sighed, not wanting to open her eyes. She heard the distant call of that same bastard seagull echoing through the air, nothing moving around her. She guessed they had lost the snake and/or it had not wanted to commit suicide by plunging over the side of a fear-inducing steep hill. She could feel her toes at least. She wiggled them to make sure.
She shifted uncomfortably, not able to place the 'weirdness factor' she was feeling at the moment-
"Odango, I would suggest not moving for the moment," Mamoru's voice said tightly.
Her eyes opened slowly, soon realizing that the only thing she could see was...Mamoru's loin cloth. Her eyes opened fully (wide as freakin' saucers, pancakes, and anything else that was round for that matter) and let out a scream that would have made several female horror movie stars narrow their eyes to slits in jealousy. "MAMORU, YOU HENTAI!"
Mamoru only sighed and rolled his eyes, still afraid to move though. "It's not like I _planned_ on falling into this position, you idiot! And _stop_ calling me a hentai! You're going to get me arrested with that loud mouth of yours." He was beginning to think that being arrested would be better than being stuck on an island with Tsukino Usagi. His inner voice laughed at him though, finding the former thought hilarious. 'Except for the moment right now, and the moment you saw her naked, and the times you see her only in a thong bikini....' He felt like stabbing his inner voice, but decided that would probably hurt too much. He settled on punching it instead.
That was when she realized something was underneath her. Something like hands. "AAAAAAH!" Someone's hands were on her butt, and she could tell right away that they _weren't_ hers. She immediately tried to push him off of her, but she couldn't move him.
"Stop moving!" he bit out painfully. Ohmylord, she was turning him on. "Dear lord, USAGI...do_not_move!"
That ceased her immediately. She heard the tone in his voice-the kind that you don't mess with, the kind that said, 'if you don't listen, you won't like the consequences.' "Mamo, your hands are on my precariously thong-clad butt." Her tourist boob t-shirt was up around her upper chest due to the tumble, leaving her lower half very revealed.
He found that she was right when he wiggled his fingers. She responded by slapping his outer thigh. Was it her or was his loin cloth growing closer? "Okay, you're going to roll off me now, thus letting go of my posterior end in one single motion. Got it?"
Mamoru gulped and nodded, though she couldn't see it. "Three," he said to himself, rolling off her and onto his back. He just lay there for a few moments, sighing loudly at first, which then turned into outright laughter. He could hear her shuffle and brush the dirt off of her, imagining the sourpuss expression she was wearing.
"What are _you_ laughing, you jerk?" She crossed her arms over her two chests (one: hers, two: her t-shirt's).
He remained laying, only turning her head over to meet her gaze. "What? No creative insult this time? Only jerk?"
"So you want me to make up a creative insult every time I find the need to address you? I can't be that creative under pressure sometimes, you know." CR: you know, LS?)
"I understand. Here, Odango, help me up." He extended his hand towards her, putting on an innocent face. "Please? I don't think I can stand by myself...."
She hesitated, rolling her eyes once more. "Fine," she spat as she stomped over to him. She placed her hand inside his....
And immediately found that she was now under him. She gasped loudly, putting her hands on his shoulders and started pushing him away. But as his midnight blue eyes stared into hers, she lost all fight. The bastard just _had_ to be the most handsome man she had ever seen, her knees growing weak as if she had just run a marathon (26 miles), ran across the pacific ocean (23487925 miles), and then ran to the moon and back (2347572345987 miles). Good thing she wasn't standing. (LS: Oh, some of those numbers may be the result of me randomly pressing keys with *gasp* numbers on them CR: oh, and here I thought you actually went and did some research on this, you cunt-whore)
He said something that she didn't catch at first, her chest rising and falling and thus not enabling her to hear properly. "Huh?"
"You really are something else, Tsukino Usagi...." she realized he had said only when he repeated it.
"I have no idea what you're talk-"
His lips covered hers and she immediately felt the need to speak disappear. At first, she was so shocked that Tuxedo Kamen (in a loin cloth no less) was kissing her (LS: Thanks to me and CR's wonderfully kinky sense of humor), she had nothing she could do but lay there. And then realizing that not only was she immensely enjoying this but actually liking the way it felt inside and out, she delved her hands into that gorgeous hair of his which only managed to encourage him further, moving to her neck with those hot kisses of his. "Mamo," she thought she murmured, but it didn't exactly come out that clear. She felt something on her thigh. "Is that a gun or are you happy to see me?" she whispered into his ear as he continued to kiss her neck.
His kisses stopped as soon as her words registered in his mind..."Snake!"
"Silly, that wasn't one of the choices-" Her eyes traveled to her thighs, finding a snake slithering across her. "SNAKE!" Without waiting for anything to be said, she jumped up screaming.
He jumped up immediately and reached for a good-sized stick that looked like it would make a good walking stick, angrily advancing to where the snake had been only moments before, and instead found nothing.
Usagi was eerily quiet, not screaming or anything as he thought she would have been. "Usa? You okay?"
She turned towards him and nodded, grabbing his hand as she made her way back towards the cave, where she would look forward to a good night's sleep, safe from the craziness the island possessed. Another blasted three weeks on this island, and she couldn't wait for what the following days would hold for them. Whooppeee.
(LS: Okay, all I can write right now. *tag* You're it. You can have fun with them waking up close to each other. Feel free to add anything at all to make this another piss-dispensing chapter. CR: nah, it's all good. I'm too damn lazy to write more to an already eventful chapter. *chases after LS* Just don't expect me to catch up to you in this game-o-tag; I get easily winded)