Another Sordid Sorting Hat Song
Fearing the law and retribution
The Four set up their own institution
Someplace remote with big, thick walls
Where Aurors wouldn't make any social calls
Yes, children will be sent most anywhere
To rid them from their parents hair
(But why to Hogwarts is a mystery
Given this place's pervy history)
Weighing 30 stone and long in tooth
She ran a below-the-belt kissing booth
The Kama Sutra was Helga's favorite read
And love thy neighbor, his cousin ( and maybe the cat) was her creed
In the sack or in the hay
Always for love. Well.. sometimes for pay
Before there was a British Navy
Sodomy and the lash* were her bread and gravy
St. Andrews cross and wooden horse
Were favorites in Rowena's course
Now what diet made her such a hot-tay?
Liver, fava beans, and Chianti!**
Swords with jewels and cuffs with frills
Were giggly Godric's main source of thrills
When clad in lace with girdle tightened
All who faced him became quite frightened
Bravely going where few gone before
But only at night and by the back door
"Sal's trouser snake vas much too small"
Would be Dr. Freud's most likely call
In bed, even snakes found him second rate
Oh, the things men do to compensate
Trying to dominate all he could see
These days he'd just buy an SUV.
With what stereotype will you be branded?
Into which pigeonhole should you be landed?
I'll place you where I think you'll do
Where they do unto others such as you would too
But if I'm wrong, don't sue me
I've been rubbed with too much mercury
If Gryffindors made a film, what would it be?
Jackass the Movie I, II, and III
Bravely charging into the breach
Bravely out of their mental reach
Basilisks? Dark Lords? Sign Gryffindors up!
…then bury their remains in a small tin cup
Why the badger and not the rabbit?
Since all here have Helga's horny habit
In Hufflepuff you'll most likely die
So do your best to multiply
Brains, ambition, bravery? Ha!
Their role model is Caligula
Big on brains, low on drive
Working at a coffee shop you will thrive
Ravenclaw thy name is slacker!
Or vegan or writer or computer hacker
So study hard and study long
Join the highly educated, jobless throng
In Slytherin winning means the most
So back stab, eye gauge and boast, boast, boast!
Keep the blood pure - don't ask your mother
Why you must marrying your sister or brother
Now pack some rags , some filth, and a bedpan
Your room awaits at Azkahban!
Just try me on and perhaps we'll find
To which perversion you're most inclined
So nitpick, oddball, bubble and squeak
Into your drawers, I mean head, let me take a peek!
------------------------
.
* The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy and the lash. - -- Churchill's assistant, Anthony Montague-Browne said that although Churchill had not said this, he wished he had. (http://www.winstonchurchill.org/bonmots2.htm)
** "I ate his liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti"
- Dr. Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter in "Silence of the Lambs"
Fearing the law and retribution
The Four set up their own institution
Someplace remote with big, thick walls
Where Aurors wouldn't make any social calls
Yes, children will be sent most anywhere
To rid them from their parents hair
(But why to Hogwarts is a mystery
Given this place's pervy history)
Weighing 30 stone and long in tooth
She ran a below-the-belt kissing booth
The Kama Sutra was Helga's favorite read
And love thy neighbor, his cousin ( and maybe the cat) was her creed
In the sack or in the hay
Always for love. Well.. sometimes for pay
Before there was a British Navy
Sodomy and the lash* were her bread and gravy
St. Andrews cross and wooden horse
Were favorites in Rowena's course
Now what diet made her such a hot-tay?
Liver, fava beans, and Chianti!**
Swords with jewels and cuffs with frills
Were giggly Godric's main source of thrills
When clad in lace with girdle tightened
All who faced him became quite frightened
Bravely going where few gone before
But only at night and by the back door
"Sal's trouser snake vas much too small"
Would be Dr. Freud's most likely call
In bed, even snakes found him second rate
Oh, the things men do to compensate
Trying to dominate all he could see
These days he'd just buy an SUV.
With what stereotype will you be branded?
Into which pigeonhole should you be landed?
I'll place you where I think you'll do
Where they do unto others such as you would too
But if I'm wrong, don't sue me
I've been rubbed with too much mercury
If Gryffindors made a film, what would it be?
Jackass the Movie I, II, and III
Bravely charging into the breach
Bravely out of their mental reach
Basilisks? Dark Lords? Sign Gryffindors up!
…then bury their remains in a small tin cup
Why the badger and not the rabbit?
Since all here have Helga's horny habit
In Hufflepuff you'll most likely die
So do your best to multiply
Brains, ambition, bravery? Ha!
Their role model is Caligula
Big on brains, low on drive
Working at a coffee shop you will thrive
Ravenclaw thy name is slacker!
Or vegan or writer or computer hacker
So study hard and study long
Join the highly educated, jobless throng
In Slytherin winning means the most
So back stab, eye gauge and boast, boast, boast!
Keep the blood pure - don't ask your mother
Why you must marrying your sister or brother
Now pack some rags , some filth, and a bedpan
Your room awaits at Azkahban!
Just try me on and perhaps we'll find
To which perversion you're most inclined
So nitpick, oddball, bubble and squeak
Into your drawers, I mean head, let me take a peek!
------------------------
.
* The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy and the lash. - -- Churchill's assistant, Anthony Montague-Browne said that although Churchill had not said this, he wished he had. (http://www.winstonchurchill.org/bonmots2.htm)
** "I ate his liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti"
- Dr. Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter in "Silence of the Lambs"