Warning: Implied drug scenes and more weird wacko stuff...warning ends.
Legolas awoke to a splitting headache and it wasn't helped when all he could hear was, "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm going to ddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!" as a high-pitched wail.
"Bloody hell Boromir, get over it." He sat up stiffly, "We all die. Well, ok, excepting me because I'm immortal and I'm perfect and I glimmer with an inner light and everyone lov-EWWWW! Help me! Help me! It's a mouse! A huge, horrible, foaming-at-the-insicors-mouse!! It's going to eat me~! ARGH!!" Legolas started screaming and ended up trying to balance on top of Gimli's head.
He was saved as Merry and Pippin pounced on the mouse, "It's only about 3 centimetres long, not even a good meal," and they started quarrelling on who should be allowed to eat it.
"Pippin, give it to me!! You ate all the mushrooms, you're a PIG!!"
"I am not and I did not!!"
"Did too!"
"Did NOT!"
"Then where did they go?? It's not like they're magic mushrooms that suddenly grow legs and run off screaming."
"Well, you never know. I mean if I took one glance at you----"
"PIPPIN!! Where did you put them??? I'm HUNGRY!!"
"I don't KNOW!" As they both glared at each other a thought sidled into their mind and they turned slowly to look at Aragorn - who was trying to shove a mushroom up his nose.
"Um, at the risk of asking the obvious, what are you doing?" Merry hesitantly asked.
"Yeah. Watcha doing, shoving our mushrooms up ya nose?"
"And grinding up our mushrooms and trying to sniff it?"
"And cutting up our mushrooms and stuffing it in your pipe and trying to smoke it??"
Aragorn spun around with ½ a mushroom hanging out of his nose, "Um, um, uh, I-I'm trying out a new rememdy for the kwoiaf-nasdoiwerno-asdfiuuewbk poison that the orcs use for painful torture and...and..stuff, to help people, yeah stuff..and, things to do with...stuff," he faded out and tried to grin.
Merry and Pippin stared at the ranger.
"Oh. Okay then!" and turned back to bickering over the now-long-gone mouse.
"You see what you did!!"
"ME??? What about you!!"
Gimli shook his head furiously and Legolas came tumbling down.
"You scream like a girl," he grinned.
"I do not~! I'm not a girl and I'm NOT GAY! Goddammit! Why can't you people.and hobbits," he added, "Realise that I just take good care of my bod---ARGH!! I broke a nail! I broke a nail!! And my headache is getting worse!! Aragorn!! You're the healer here! Make me up some potiony stuff and cure me!"
"Um, Legolas, you're the elf here." Frodo looked up at him, "Why don't you do that weird-ass hand thingy and make yourself daze out??"
"I'm sick of healing everyone else, I want the pampering! Pamper me!! Aragorn get those athelas leaves and pamper me!"
"I'm busy," came the muffled reply, "Um, are there any huge, hairy spiders flashing pink and purple behind you, Legolas?"
Legolas turned and looked at Aragorn who had moved on from the mushrooms to- --, "GODDAMMIT ARAGORN!!! I told you you had a drug problem!! I even gave you that card so that you could go see the drugs anonymous counsel, but noo~ you had to act all macho and smoke those last remaining healing leaves just to GET HIGH AND SEE HAIRY SPIDERS!" with that Legolas strode over and broke Aragorns pipe/bong/whatever-he-gets-high-with.
"Hey~! I needed that for medical experiments....!"
"Yeah, I'll bet you did."
For about 10 minutes silence reigned and Merry and Pippin silently decided whether they should eat Frodo.
"Nah, too bloody skinny. Not good for a hobbit."
"Yeah, but put it this way when Sauron gets his hands on him, there won't be much to beat up!!!"
No-one needed to say, How about Sam? He was just next to Frodo. And he wasn't skinny. He was plump. Nice and plump. Merry and Pippin eyes glazed over and they unconsciously started drooling.
Sam started to edge away nervously.
And was saved when the door was slammed open (if this is possible), hitting Boromir in the face with a, "THUD".
"ERG*H!"
"Oh my, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to slam the door into your face. Here let me help you. Oh my, my mother always said that I was so clumsy. Dear me. It's all my fault."
"OW, you [insert quite a lot of bad swear-words]"
"Now, now. No need to get nasty. I already said I was sorry. My father said that swearing was bad. Here this will help", the creature, who everyone stared at, put some ointment on Boromir's face.
"OWWWWW!" Boromir screamed and started rolling about on the floor in agony.
"Hahahahaha!" Aragorn cheered, still quite high.
"You're an orc!!" Sam spluttered. "Aren't you meant to be evil-spoken and evil-minded?"
"That's just a generalization. You people think all us orcs are like that when only about 99.999999999999% are." It looked at Boromir who was still squealing in pain, "I think I might've overdone it. Oh well, tell me if and when he dies. We're a bit short on rations."
"Oh..k" Merry stared.
"Do it 'gain, do it 'gain!!" Aragorn giggled.
The orc gave him a weird look then pulled out a piece of parchment and read, "Thou namest Aragorn, son of Arathorn and Gilrean, foster brother of Elladan and Elrohir and foster son of Elrond - why the hell are all the names in your family so familiar? Do you have any idea how much that stuffs people up? Begging your pardon, sirs - must be escorted to thy interrogation counsel, otherwise known as torture chamber, to see thee almighty - um, can't quite read this - squiggly line, straight line, circle. Hmm, I wasn't employed to read hieroglyphics."
The orc waited for about 5 mins, "Well, c'mon then, where's Aragorn?"
The person in question was dancing in the corner by himself, giggling and mumbling to some invisible being. "Can't you hear them? They're funny!"
Everyone stared. "That's Aragorn," Legolas pointed at the weirdo smugly.
"Mightly obliged gentlemen and gentlehobbits. I"ll be glad to see to your personal needs if you need anything - excepting things essential to life eg. Water, food, sunlight etc etc etc - just call me your local friendly orc who is always just around the corner to cause trouble, pain and agony. Have a nice, short, pain-filled life." The orc bowed and picked up the grooving Aragorn bodily and walked out of the cell.
"Well, that was a friendly orc" Frodo said weakly.
"Really? Nah, never would've guessed it."
"MASTER!! Stop those hobbits looking at me queerly!" Sam cried trying to hide in Frodo's cloak.
Frodo turned around smiling, "I KNEW we had something special Sam, I knew it the moment you came into my life and now that you've finally accepted me by trying to get into my clothes I have to say that although I'm touched I'm straig-----"
Frodo was cut off by Boromir's louder then normal wailing, "I'm dying! I knew it. I'm dying. Oh god, why couldn't Faramir be in my position? That little ratbag, it was meant to be him here but noooo~ father HAD to favour me, and now I'm on my deathbed..."
"Can you do anything for him Legolas? Before I strangle him myself.." Gimli muttered and turned to the elf who was holding his head in his hands.
"Blood, mice, dirt, smoke, orcs, drugs, broken nails, split ends, I don't think I can stand this any longer" the elf muttered, then when he heard Gimli's question he waved his hand, "He'll be fine. That stuff the orc put on will heal him. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It's going to take forever to scrub myself clean and WHERE am I meant to go to the TOILET???? They never put that in the script DO THEY????"
"Take a chill pill" Gimli retorted then started. Everyone winced and looked at each other hopelessly as screams where heard coming down the corridor from the 'interrogation counsel'.
"Rather him then me," Legolas muttered and turned back to filing his nails. Everyone nodded grinning weakly.
"I'm hungry!"
"Me too!"
"Let's eat Sam!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Master help me!!"
"Oh, Sam!"
Legolas awoke to a splitting headache and it wasn't helped when all he could hear was, "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm going to ddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!" as a high-pitched wail.
"Bloody hell Boromir, get over it." He sat up stiffly, "We all die. Well, ok, excepting me because I'm immortal and I'm perfect and I glimmer with an inner light and everyone lov-EWWWW! Help me! Help me! It's a mouse! A huge, horrible, foaming-at-the-insicors-mouse!! It's going to eat me~! ARGH!!" Legolas started screaming and ended up trying to balance on top of Gimli's head.
He was saved as Merry and Pippin pounced on the mouse, "It's only about 3 centimetres long, not even a good meal," and they started quarrelling on who should be allowed to eat it.
"Pippin, give it to me!! You ate all the mushrooms, you're a PIG!!"
"I am not and I did not!!"
"Did too!"
"Did NOT!"
"Then where did they go?? It's not like they're magic mushrooms that suddenly grow legs and run off screaming."
"Well, you never know. I mean if I took one glance at you----"
"PIPPIN!! Where did you put them??? I'm HUNGRY!!"
"I don't KNOW!" As they both glared at each other a thought sidled into their mind and they turned slowly to look at Aragorn - who was trying to shove a mushroom up his nose.
"Um, at the risk of asking the obvious, what are you doing?" Merry hesitantly asked.
"Yeah. Watcha doing, shoving our mushrooms up ya nose?"
"And grinding up our mushrooms and trying to sniff it?"
"And cutting up our mushrooms and stuffing it in your pipe and trying to smoke it??"
Aragorn spun around with ½ a mushroom hanging out of his nose, "Um, um, uh, I-I'm trying out a new rememdy for the kwoiaf-nasdoiwerno-asdfiuuewbk poison that the orcs use for painful torture and...and..stuff, to help people, yeah stuff..and, things to do with...stuff," he faded out and tried to grin.
Merry and Pippin stared at the ranger.
"Oh. Okay then!" and turned back to bickering over the now-long-gone mouse.
"You see what you did!!"
"ME??? What about you!!"
Gimli shook his head furiously and Legolas came tumbling down.
"You scream like a girl," he grinned.
"I do not~! I'm not a girl and I'm NOT GAY! Goddammit! Why can't you people.and hobbits," he added, "Realise that I just take good care of my bod---ARGH!! I broke a nail! I broke a nail!! And my headache is getting worse!! Aragorn!! You're the healer here! Make me up some potiony stuff and cure me!"
"Um, Legolas, you're the elf here." Frodo looked up at him, "Why don't you do that weird-ass hand thingy and make yourself daze out??"
"I'm sick of healing everyone else, I want the pampering! Pamper me!! Aragorn get those athelas leaves and pamper me!"
"I'm busy," came the muffled reply, "Um, are there any huge, hairy spiders flashing pink and purple behind you, Legolas?"
Legolas turned and looked at Aragorn who had moved on from the mushrooms to- --, "GODDAMMIT ARAGORN!!! I told you you had a drug problem!! I even gave you that card so that you could go see the drugs anonymous counsel, but noo~ you had to act all macho and smoke those last remaining healing leaves just to GET HIGH AND SEE HAIRY SPIDERS!" with that Legolas strode over and broke Aragorns pipe/bong/whatever-he-gets-high-with.
"Hey~! I needed that for medical experiments....!"
"Yeah, I'll bet you did."
For about 10 minutes silence reigned and Merry and Pippin silently decided whether they should eat Frodo.
"Nah, too bloody skinny. Not good for a hobbit."
"Yeah, but put it this way when Sauron gets his hands on him, there won't be much to beat up!!!"
No-one needed to say, How about Sam? He was just next to Frodo. And he wasn't skinny. He was plump. Nice and plump. Merry and Pippin eyes glazed over and they unconsciously started drooling.
Sam started to edge away nervously.
And was saved when the door was slammed open (if this is possible), hitting Boromir in the face with a, "THUD".
"ERG*H!"
"Oh my, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to slam the door into your face. Here let me help you. Oh my, my mother always said that I was so clumsy. Dear me. It's all my fault."
"OW, you [insert quite a lot of bad swear-words]"
"Now, now. No need to get nasty. I already said I was sorry. My father said that swearing was bad. Here this will help", the creature, who everyone stared at, put some ointment on Boromir's face.
"OWWWWW!" Boromir screamed and started rolling about on the floor in agony.
"Hahahahaha!" Aragorn cheered, still quite high.
"You're an orc!!" Sam spluttered. "Aren't you meant to be evil-spoken and evil-minded?"
"That's just a generalization. You people think all us orcs are like that when only about 99.999999999999% are." It looked at Boromir who was still squealing in pain, "I think I might've overdone it. Oh well, tell me if and when he dies. We're a bit short on rations."
"Oh..k" Merry stared.
"Do it 'gain, do it 'gain!!" Aragorn giggled.
The orc gave him a weird look then pulled out a piece of parchment and read, "Thou namest Aragorn, son of Arathorn and Gilrean, foster brother of Elladan and Elrohir and foster son of Elrond - why the hell are all the names in your family so familiar? Do you have any idea how much that stuffs people up? Begging your pardon, sirs - must be escorted to thy interrogation counsel, otherwise known as torture chamber, to see thee almighty - um, can't quite read this - squiggly line, straight line, circle. Hmm, I wasn't employed to read hieroglyphics."
The orc waited for about 5 mins, "Well, c'mon then, where's Aragorn?"
The person in question was dancing in the corner by himself, giggling and mumbling to some invisible being. "Can't you hear them? They're funny!"
Everyone stared. "That's Aragorn," Legolas pointed at the weirdo smugly.
"Mightly obliged gentlemen and gentlehobbits. I"ll be glad to see to your personal needs if you need anything - excepting things essential to life eg. Water, food, sunlight etc etc etc - just call me your local friendly orc who is always just around the corner to cause trouble, pain and agony. Have a nice, short, pain-filled life." The orc bowed and picked up the grooving Aragorn bodily and walked out of the cell.
"Well, that was a friendly orc" Frodo said weakly.
"Really? Nah, never would've guessed it."
"MASTER!! Stop those hobbits looking at me queerly!" Sam cried trying to hide in Frodo's cloak.
Frodo turned around smiling, "I KNEW we had something special Sam, I knew it the moment you came into my life and now that you've finally accepted me by trying to get into my clothes I have to say that although I'm touched I'm straig-----"
Frodo was cut off by Boromir's louder then normal wailing, "I'm dying! I knew it. I'm dying. Oh god, why couldn't Faramir be in my position? That little ratbag, it was meant to be him here but noooo~ father HAD to favour me, and now I'm on my deathbed..."
"Can you do anything for him Legolas? Before I strangle him myself.." Gimli muttered and turned to the elf who was holding his head in his hands.
"Blood, mice, dirt, smoke, orcs, drugs, broken nails, split ends, I don't think I can stand this any longer" the elf muttered, then when he heard Gimli's question he waved his hand, "He'll be fine. That stuff the orc put on will heal him. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It's going to take forever to scrub myself clean and WHERE am I meant to go to the TOILET???? They never put that in the script DO THEY????"
"Take a chill pill" Gimli retorted then started. Everyone winced and looked at each other hopelessly as screams where heard coming down the corridor from the 'interrogation counsel'.
"Rather him then me," Legolas muttered and turned back to filing his nails. Everyone nodded grinning weakly.
"I'm hungry!"
"Me too!"
"Let's eat Sam!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Master help me!!"
"Oh, Sam!"