The next morning, Agent 99 woke with a start. Her phone was ringing off the hook. "Who
would call me this early?" she wondered aloud as she answered. "Hello?"
"This is your boss, Maxwell Smart calling," said a voice that was obviously not Smart.
"You don't sound like Max," she stated in confusion.
There was silence on the line. "Would you believe . . . Larrabee?"
"I most certainly would!" she replied cheerily. "Larrabee, has Max been prompting your
speech because I can't see you saying 'Would you believe' otherwise."
"Actually, yes, Agent 99," Larrabee continued. "Agent 86 can only whisper ever since he
lost his voice, so he's whispering to me what he wants to say to you."
"But I thought you were fired!"
"Well, he had to hire me again as soon as he realized he needed someone to do his talking
for him. After the mistake I made about Groovy Guru, he doesn't trust me to say what he wants
me to on my own, so he decided to prompt me."
"But he isn't prompting you to explain all of this to me, is he?"
"Well, no . . ."
Suddenly, what Larrabee had been saying sunk in. "You mean it was your idea to grant
Groovy Guru parole?"
"Yeah," admitted the sheepish agent.
"Oh, poor Max! How I've wronged him! Larrabee, do me a favor and tell Max that I'll be
over to fix my mother's laryngitis remedy ASAP." She was about to hang up when she
remembered that Larrabee hadn't stated the purpose of his call. "Oh, Larrabee, why did you call
me at this hour anyway?"
"Well, 86 was wondering if you could help him get his voice back with your mother's
secret recipe," he explained.
"Oh, of course," said 99 dryly. "Bye!"
"Bye."
She hung up and started deciding what to wear to the office.
****************
Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, was waiting impatiently for 99 to finish with her concoction. If
he could speak, he probably would've been whining his head off. Luckily for 99, he couldn't.
"I'm almost done mixing it, Max," she said soothingly to her ruffled coworker as she
stirred the mixture thoroughly. Hymie stood near by, ready to assist his friend if the need arose.
Larabee was busily shredding important documents with CONTROL's state of the art shredder.
He didn't particularly relish the job, but if the choice was between it and losing his temporary
employer's good graces again, he'd rather do the job.
"There!" 99 announced proudly. "Now drink up before it loses its potency." She offered
the thick goo to Smart.
Maxwell turned three shades of green. "You mean, I actually have to digest this- this
stuff!" he mouthed in disbelief.
"Now, Maxy," 99 scolded with a motherly air, "do you want to feel better or not?"
Agent 86 shrugged and accepted the medicine. He stared at it, as if that would make it
magically disappear.
"Ma-ax," said 99 in a sing-song voice. "Does Hymie have to feed it to you?" Hymie's
eyes mechanically lit up at the sound of his name.
Max grumbled and lifted the bitter vessel to his lips. He took a small sip and swallowed.
The look on his face the next instant was so ridiculous that Larabee had to bite his lip to keep
from laughing out loud. Max crossed his eyes and shook his head as though he had just been
blasted by a loud noise. 99 looked on in concern and admonition.
"Now finish it," she commanded.
Max obeyed, his face contorting in the most grotesque way until he had downed the entire
brew. "That was the most disgusting, revolting-" he began in his loud annoying voice.
99 had appeared deeply hurt until she realized that her remedy had worked. "Max!" she
cried jubilantly, "Your voice!"
"That's besides the point," he rambled crossly. "That stuff is unfit for human
consumption. There should be a law-" He stopped in midsentence, realizing what she had just
said. "99! My voice! You've cured me!" He ran over to her. 99 closed her eyes, imagining the
warm embrace that was sure to follow. Suddenly, she felt a firm handshake. Her eyes popped
open in shock to the sound of: "Good work, fellow agent. I will now promote you to-to-" He
snapped his fingers trying to think of an appropriate response. "-coffee-break monitor!"
"Oh, gee, thanks," muttered 99, just the slightest bit disappointed.
"Oh, it's nothing," said Max. "I'm sure Chief won't mind. He's always complaining about
how long we take on our breaks." He smiled proudly, certain that his boss would reward his
action. "Now, if you don't mind, 99, I have some important business to attend to, so why don't
you -uh- check the coffee pots to make sure they're heating up."
99 curtsied, simpering sarcastically, and left to perform her mundane duty. It was not as
if there was anything better to do since KAOS was on an apparent hiatus.
Max looked after her in silent admiration, when it occurred to him that she didn't seem
too happy about her promotion. "Larabee," he started, turning to his ignorant employee, "is it just
me, or did 99 seem slightly unimpressed with her new commission?"
Larabee kept a straight face for as long as he could (about 5 seconds), and then ran out of
the room laughing hysterically.
"Now THAT is just plain rude," complained Smart indignantly to Hymie, the only soul left
in the room. Then, his mood softened, and he continued in a slightly mellower tone. "Oh, Hymie,
you're the only one I can talk to," he began as he put an arm about the robot.
Hymie took this gesture as a threat and slammed it back at him. "Do not do that, Mr.
Smart," he droned in his almost-but-not-quite-human voice.
Max rubbed his arm gingerly before continuing. "What I mean is, I don't think I show my
appreciation for 99 enough. What should I do?"
Hymie stood very still and blinked a couple times before replying. "I am not programmed
for romantic advice, Mr. Smart, but if you like, I will search my database for an appropriate
response."
"Hymie, you don't have to do- hey! Who said anything about romance?" Max turned
accusingly toward the robot. "I am only FRIENDS with Agent 99, get that?"
"Ha, ha," Hymie said, which was about as close to a laugh as the machine could get.
"You stupid rob- I mean heh heh," started Max, nearly forgetting his promise to treat
Hymie like a real person.
"My databases have found your answer," stated Hymie, apparently oblivious to Max's
near-insult. "According to this, one may show one's affection for one of the opposite S E X-"
"That's sex," interrupted Smart impatiently.
"-by the giving of some token of esteem. The most popular of these is the ring."
"Ring!" said Max, sinking into his desk chair. "If I do that, 99 will get the wrong idea . . .
You know those love-starved females."
"The word 'love-starved' does not compute," Hymie blinked in confusion. "How can one
be hungry for love?"
"Hymie," sighed Agent 86, "just forget it." He didn't want to get into a discussion about
the birds and the bees with a robot.
"I cannot forget. My memory bank can hold 1,000,000-"
"Hymie!" yelled Max.
Hymie blinked. "Yes."
"Why don't you see if 99 needs help with the coffee while I go . . . get 99 a ring, ok?"
"After you, Mr. Smart," Hymie offered politely.
Smart frowned. Of course, he had no intention of actually getting his fellow agent a ring.
He merely wanted the robot to leave. But since exiting the premises seemed to be the only way to
accomplish his building, he did so promptly, without another word to the lovely 99 who was
polishing the silver coffee pot. She called after her secret sweetheart softly as he rushed pass, but
he didn't seem to hear her. Her face betrayed the heartache that her smile could usually conceal.
Would he ever realize she was alive?
Meanwhile, Maxwell Smart rushed down the hallway with the myriad of security doors
without even stopping to make sure the last one closed. He always pinched his nose doing that
anyway. Once outdoors, he took a deep breath and headed in the general direction of the nearest
jewelry store. He had not taken more then ten steps when he noticed something shiny in the gutter
just outside the building. Curious, he bent down to examine the object. There lay a perfectly
gorgeous silver ring with a stone that defied description. It was grey and orange and pink at the
same time. "Now who left this here?" he wondered aloud as he picked the trinket up.
Immediately, the odd stone changed colors to amber-yellow. The CONTROL agent did a double
take. "Now that's funny, I could've sworn . . ." Suddenly, the ring began to feel strangely hot and
morphed to a deep blue hue. Max could feel himself become warm and fuzzy feeling inside. "99,"
he murmured breathlessly as he slowly back-tracked into the building, an abnormally romantic
look on his face. Several miles away, Groovy Guru laughed maniacally.
TBC . . .
would call me this early?" she wondered aloud as she answered. "Hello?"
"This is your boss, Maxwell Smart calling," said a voice that was obviously not Smart.
"You don't sound like Max," she stated in confusion.
There was silence on the line. "Would you believe . . . Larrabee?"
"I most certainly would!" she replied cheerily. "Larrabee, has Max been prompting your
speech because I can't see you saying 'Would you believe' otherwise."
"Actually, yes, Agent 99," Larrabee continued. "Agent 86 can only whisper ever since he
lost his voice, so he's whispering to me what he wants to say to you."
"But I thought you were fired!"
"Well, he had to hire me again as soon as he realized he needed someone to do his talking
for him. After the mistake I made about Groovy Guru, he doesn't trust me to say what he wants
me to on my own, so he decided to prompt me."
"But he isn't prompting you to explain all of this to me, is he?"
"Well, no . . ."
Suddenly, what Larrabee had been saying sunk in. "You mean it was your idea to grant
Groovy Guru parole?"
"Yeah," admitted the sheepish agent.
"Oh, poor Max! How I've wronged him! Larrabee, do me a favor and tell Max that I'll be
over to fix my mother's laryngitis remedy ASAP." She was about to hang up when she
remembered that Larrabee hadn't stated the purpose of his call. "Oh, Larrabee, why did you call
me at this hour anyway?"
"Well, 86 was wondering if you could help him get his voice back with your mother's
secret recipe," he explained.
"Oh, of course," said 99 dryly. "Bye!"
"Bye."
She hung up and started deciding what to wear to the office.
****************
Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, was waiting impatiently for 99 to finish with her concoction. If
he could speak, he probably would've been whining his head off. Luckily for 99, he couldn't.
"I'm almost done mixing it, Max," she said soothingly to her ruffled coworker as she
stirred the mixture thoroughly. Hymie stood near by, ready to assist his friend if the need arose.
Larabee was busily shredding important documents with CONTROL's state of the art shredder.
He didn't particularly relish the job, but if the choice was between it and losing his temporary
employer's good graces again, he'd rather do the job.
"There!" 99 announced proudly. "Now drink up before it loses its potency." She offered
the thick goo to Smart.
Maxwell turned three shades of green. "You mean, I actually have to digest this- this
stuff!" he mouthed in disbelief.
"Now, Maxy," 99 scolded with a motherly air, "do you want to feel better or not?"
Agent 86 shrugged and accepted the medicine. He stared at it, as if that would make it
magically disappear.
"Ma-ax," said 99 in a sing-song voice. "Does Hymie have to feed it to you?" Hymie's
eyes mechanically lit up at the sound of his name.
Max grumbled and lifted the bitter vessel to his lips. He took a small sip and swallowed.
The look on his face the next instant was so ridiculous that Larabee had to bite his lip to keep
from laughing out loud. Max crossed his eyes and shook his head as though he had just been
blasted by a loud noise. 99 looked on in concern and admonition.
"Now finish it," she commanded.
Max obeyed, his face contorting in the most grotesque way until he had downed the entire
brew. "That was the most disgusting, revolting-" he began in his loud annoying voice.
99 had appeared deeply hurt until she realized that her remedy had worked. "Max!" she
cried jubilantly, "Your voice!"
"That's besides the point," he rambled crossly. "That stuff is unfit for human
consumption. There should be a law-" He stopped in midsentence, realizing what she had just
said. "99! My voice! You've cured me!" He ran over to her. 99 closed her eyes, imagining the
warm embrace that was sure to follow. Suddenly, she felt a firm handshake. Her eyes popped
open in shock to the sound of: "Good work, fellow agent. I will now promote you to-to-" He
snapped his fingers trying to think of an appropriate response. "-coffee-break monitor!"
"Oh, gee, thanks," muttered 99, just the slightest bit disappointed.
"Oh, it's nothing," said Max. "I'm sure Chief won't mind. He's always complaining about
how long we take on our breaks." He smiled proudly, certain that his boss would reward his
action. "Now, if you don't mind, 99, I have some important business to attend to, so why don't
you -uh- check the coffee pots to make sure they're heating up."
99 curtsied, simpering sarcastically, and left to perform her mundane duty. It was not as
if there was anything better to do since KAOS was on an apparent hiatus.
Max looked after her in silent admiration, when it occurred to him that she didn't seem
too happy about her promotion. "Larabee," he started, turning to his ignorant employee, "is it just
me, or did 99 seem slightly unimpressed with her new commission?"
Larabee kept a straight face for as long as he could (about 5 seconds), and then ran out of
the room laughing hysterically.
"Now THAT is just plain rude," complained Smart indignantly to Hymie, the only soul left
in the room. Then, his mood softened, and he continued in a slightly mellower tone. "Oh, Hymie,
you're the only one I can talk to," he began as he put an arm about the robot.
Hymie took this gesture as a threat and slammed it back at him. "Do not do that, Mr.
Smart," he droned in his almost-but-not-quite-human voice.
Max rubbed his arm gingerly before continuing. "What I mean is, I don't think I show my
appreciation for 99 enough. What should I do?"
Hymie stood very still and blinked a couple times before replying. "I am not programmed
for romantic advice, Mr. Smart, but if you like, I will search my database for an appropriate
response."
"Hymie, you don't have to do- hey! Who said anything about romance?" Max turned
accusingly toward the robot. "I am only FRIENDS with Agent 99, get that?"
"Ha, ha," Hymie said, which was about as close to a laugh as the machine could get.
"You stupid rob- I mean heh heh," started Max, nearly forgetting his promise to treat
Hymie like a real person.
"My databases have found your answer," stated Hymie, apparently oblivious to Max's
near-insult. "According to this, one may show one's affection for one of the opposite S E X-"
"That's sex," interrupted Smart impatiently.
"-by the giving of some token of esteem. The most popular of these is the ring."
"Ring!" said Max, sinking into his desk chair. "If I do that, 99 will get the wrong idea . . .
You know those love-starved females."
"The word 'love-starved' does not compute," Hymie blinked in confusion. "How can one
be hungry for love?"
"Hymie," sighed Agent 86, "just forget it." He didn't want to get into a discussion about
the birds and the bees with a robot.
"I cannot forget. My memory bank can hold 1,000,000-"
"Hymie!" yelled Max.
Hymie blinked. "Yes."
"Why don't you see if 99 needs help with the coffee while I go . . . get 99 a ring, ok?"
"After you, Mr. Smart," Hymie offered politely.
Smart frowned. Of course, he had no intention of actually getting his fellow agent a ring.
He merely wanted the robot to leave. But since exiting the premises seemed to be the only way to
accomplish his building, he did so promptly, without another word to the lovely 99 who was
polishing the silver coffee pot. She called after her secret sweetheart softly as he rushed pass, but
he didn't seem to hear her. Her face betrayed the heartache that her smile could usually conceal.
Would he ever realize she was alive?
Meanwhile, Maxwell Smart rushed down the hallway with the myriad of security doors
without even stopping to make sure the last one closed. He always pinched his nose doing that
anyway. Once outdoors, he took a deep breath and headed in the general direction of the nearest
jewelry store. He had not taken more then ten steps when he noticed something shiny in the gutter
just outside the building. Curious, he bent down to examine the object. There lay a perfectly
gorgeous silver ring with a stone that defied description. It was grey and orange and pink at the
same time. "Now who left this here?" he wondered aloud as he picked the trinket up.
Immediately, the odd stone changed colors to amber-yellow. The CONTROL agent did a double
take. "Now that's funny, I could've sworn . . ." Suddenly, the ring began to feel strangely hot and
morphed to a deep blue hue. Max could feel himself become warm and fuzzy feeling inside. "99,"
he murmured breathlessly as he slowly back-tracked into the building, an abnormally romantic
look on his face. Several miles away, Groovy Guru laughed maniacally.
TBC . . .