It was dark by the time the screams stopped.
"Hey! The screams have stopped" Frodo pointed out the bleeding obvious with his head cocked on one side.
"About bloody time, it was making my headache worse," Legolas said grumbled while fultily trying to get the dirt out from under his nails. "Look at this. My nails are ruined. Totally ruined, all this horrible, horrible dirt. RUINED!!"
"I thought that you elves liked dirt and nature and stuff like that," Gimli said with a raised monobrow.
"Screw nature!" Legolas replied with vehemence. "I'll bet that you've never woken up in the morning and had to pull prickles out of your underpants huh?? HUH?!?!?"
"Well, of course not. That's why we created chainmail undies, do you want a pair?"
"And how many times have you gotten lost in the forest, AT NIGHT and then accidently walked off A CLIFF?? Or fallen out of a tree breaking every bone in your body and no-one even takes notice because, "You're an elf"????? ARRRGGHHHH! And the bugs! Jesus Christ, they give me creeps, you know one day I would just love to squish all the bugs. And the birds!! They squawk and squawk, they NEVER shut up!! All night, all night, how do you expect us to sleep?? I couldn't care less if the orcs just bulldo-" Gimli was saved from dying a painful death of listening to all of Legolas' problem when the was opened with an ominous creak and a figure was dragged into the cell.
"Ashiodakwern adfoiiuwen eiouwnc,zx aooifa" the orc growled.
"Huh?"
"I said, Ashiodakwern adfoiiuwen eiouwnc,zx AOOIFA!!!"
~*~ total silence~*~
"Do you speakem ze English? En----glish..??? You no speakem nor---mal language?" Sam tried his hand at communication.
"Do you have a speech impediment?" the orc inquired, "Because I know this great orc who helped me with my lisp so that when I say stuff like, "I'm going to sssslit your thsroat" people could actually understand me. He could really help you, you know.
[Far away in another cell]
"Ok, repeat after me, "Precious".
"Preccccciousssssss"
"No, no no! Don't lengthen the sss'. It sounds like you're hissing. Try again, "My precious, my own"
"My preccccioussss, my owwwwwnnnnnnn!"
"NOOO! Don't lengthen the words! ARGH! I give up! You're impossible!
"Imposssssibbbbllleeee, nassssty orcssssssiieeeee. Where issss my precccioussss?"
"ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
[Back to the present cell]
"Hang on, are you the same orc that was in here before?"
"Nah, look here. Take your friend. I think he passed out from the more 'strenuous' tor- I mean, interrogation. And I also think he's going through withdrawal symptoms. God knows why, all us orcs go to the weekly drug counsel for a cup of tea and a sing-a-long..." his voice faded out as he closed the door behind them.
"Aragorn! Aragorn!" Frodo frantically shook the slumped figures shoulder, "Something smells funny..."
"DON"T TOUCH ME!!!" Aragorn snarled and instantly curled up into a ball, rocking backwards and forwards.
"What happened friend??" Gimli asked.
"WHAT HAPPENED??" Aragorn's eyes flicked up and glared at the dwarf. "You want to know what they DID to ME in THERE???"
"Oh! Yes! Yes! Tell us! Tell us!!" the Merry and Pippin clapped in excitement.
"They....they...." Aragorn's voice could hardly be heard.
"Just let it all out Aragorn, cry if need be, you're in the company of friends here" Legolas comforted Aragorn while mentally rolling his eyes.
"They WASHED MY HAIR! Alrite?!? I said it now! They washed my hair! They shampooed it and just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer, they conditioned it." Aragorn wailed then promptly burst into tears.
"There there" Sam patted Aragorns arm.
"It took me forever to get my hair like that. Years of wilderness, gone. Wiped out of existence in a mere hours."
"It took them over 6 hours to wash your greasy hair?" Merry asked incredulously.
"Well, it's pretty greasy" Legolas commented.
"ITS NOT GREASY!! It's just got that 'windswept blown wilderness' look." A flash of pain flitted across Aragorn's face and he put his head in his arms. "No. They did more. They forced me to, t-t-t" he voice started cracking, "To have a bath...WITH LILAC SMELLING SALTS" he spat out the last words.
"Oh Aragorn!!" Pippin jumped onto Aragorns back and ruffled up his hair, "At least it smells-----nice!" he said with forced cheerfulness.
"Just don't touch me, go away."
"Oh yeah. Everyone pays attention to him after his torture but no-one take any notice of poor, old Boromir. Nooooo. I'm fine. I'm just perfectly fine. I'm just dying. No! Don't anyone pay attention to me." A voice muttered out of the shadows, so of course no one paid any attention to it.
Several hours passed. The door opened and it admitted an orc carrying a trayful of something or other.
"Hey! I brought you some food! Oh my, what a bunch of long faces, what's wrong with you all? Where's the recently totured one? Ah, there he is. I see, he's going through his drug deprivation stage. Here this might help you. It's hard to go cold turkey. Nicotine patches." With that the orc handed over some patches.
"And what GOOD IS THAT GOING to do ME????"
"Well, if you stick them on your skin then----"
"The only good its going to do is if I roll them up and SMOKE THEM!"
"Come, come now. I don't like seeing such sad faces. Lets play a game! I know, lets play Ooargh!"
"What's that?" Merry and Pippin chorused together.
"It's a troll game that us orcs adopted. What you do is, you rip off a humans head and kick it around until you get a goal or it bursts, either way."
"Ohh, sounds like...fun" Frodo said weakly, and Sam turned green and started retching. "SAM! Don't start that again!"
"B-but Master, she, he, IT just said-----"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I upset your little toyboy even more. I'm terribly sorry. I"ll just be going now"
"I'm NOT GAY!!" Legolas' reflex actions took over.
"I'm sorry sir, I wasn't aware that I was talking to you..."the orc replied confused.
"What? You weren't talking to me? Who were you talking to the-----SAM??? TOYBOY????? Frodo's TOYBOY?????" Legolas burst out laughing.
Frodo grinned proudly and Sam spluttered, "Here, don't you go talking about m-me like that! I'm just a s-simple homosex----I meant, HETRASEXUAL hobbit from the S-Shire, in love with R-Rosie!!"
"Sure, sure. That's what they all say" Aragorn couldn't help himself giving a small chuckle.
"There! See, you're doing fine Edain," the orc said approvingly to Aragorn as it went out the door, "Oh! And Elf! I was told to warn you, you're next for the interrogation chamber. I heard they're thinking about giving you a nice haircut" and with that slammed the door quickly.
Too quickly for Legolas who started pounding on the door in desperation, "NOOOO! Not my hair! Anything but my hair!!! PLEASE NO!!" I'll tell you everything! I'll tell you about the ring!"
~*~silence*~*
"I"ll tell you about the heir to Isildur's throne!"
~*~silence~*~
"I"ll tell you how to defeat Elrond!"
~*~silence*~*
"I'll tell you how to exfoliate your skin properly!"
~*~silence*~*
"I"ll tell you my PIN number, my home address and phone number!" [about 1000000 girls start screaming in excitement]
~*~silence*~*
"I"ll tell you where I keep my secret drugs crop!"
"Hey!!! Why didn't you tell me?!?!?!?" Aragorn's voice.
~*~silence~*~
"I'll tell you where I keep my fluffy, pink tutu!!"
[The door creaks open]
"REALLY???? I've ALWAYS wanted one!!"
"Hey! The screams have stopped" Frodo pointed out the bleeding obvious with his head cocked on one side.
"About bloody time, it was making my headache worse," Legolas said grumbled while fultily trying to get the dirt out from under his nails. "Look at this. My nails are ruined. Totally ruined, all this horrible, horrible dirt. RUINED!!"
"I thought that you elves liked dirt and nature and stuff like that," Gimli said with a raised monobrow.
"Screw nature!" Legolas replied with vehemence. "I'll bet that you've never woken up in the morning and had to pull prickles out of your underpants huh?? HUH?!?!?"
"Well, of course not. That's why we created chainmail undies, do you want a pair?"
"And how many times have you gotten lost in the forest, AT NIGHT and then accidently walked off A CLIFF?? Or fallen out of a tree breaking every bone in your body and no-one even takes notice because, "You're an elf"????? ARRRGGHHHH! And the bugs! Jesus Christ, they give me creeps, you know one day I would just love to squish all the bugs. And the birds!! They squawk and squawk, they NEVER shut up!! All night, all night, how do you expect us to sleep?? I couldn't care less if the orcs just bulldo-" Gimli was saved from dying a painful death of listening to all of Legolas' problem when the was opened with an ominous creak and a figure was dragged into the cell.
"Ashiodakwern adfoiiuwen eiouwnc,zx aooifa" the orc growled.
"Huh?"
"I said, Ashiodakwern adfoiiuwen eiouwnc,zx AOOIFA!!!"
~*~ total silence~*~
"Do you speakem ze English? En----glish..??? You no speakem nor---mal language?" Sam tried his hand at communication.
"Do you have a speech impediment?" the orc inquired, "Because I know this great orc who helped me with my lisp so that when I say stuff like, "I'm going to sssslit your thsroat" people could actually understand me. He could really help you, you know.
[Far away in another cell]
"Ok, repeat after me, "Precious".
"Preccccciousssssss"
"No, no no! Don't lengthen the sss'. It sounds like you're hissing. Try again, "My precious, my own"
"My preccccioussss, my owwwwwnnnnnnn!"
"NOOO! Don't lengthen the words! ARGH! I give up! You're impossible!
"Imposssssibbbbllleeee, nassssty orcssssssiieeeee. Where issss my precccioussss?"
"ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
[Back to the present cell]
"Hang on, are you the same orc that was in here before?"
"Nah, look here. Take your friend. I think he passed out from the more 'strenuous' tor- I mean, interrogation. And I also think he's going through withdrawal symptoms. God knows why, all us orcs go to the weekly drug counsel for a cup of tea and a sing-a-long..." his voice faded out as he closed the door behind them.
"Aragorn! Aragorn!" Frodo frantically shook the slumped figures shoulder, "Something smells funny..."
"DON"T TOUCH ME!!!" Aragorn snarled and instantly curled up into a ball, rocking backwards and forwards.
"What happened friend??" Gimli asked.
"WHAT HAPPENED??" Aragorn's eyes flicked up and glared at the dwarf. "You want to know what they DID to ME in THERE???"
"Oh! Yes! Yes! Tell us! Tell us!!" the Merry and Pippin clapped in excitement.
"They....they...." Aragorn's voice could hardly be heard.
"Just let it all out Aragorn, cry if need be, you're in the company of friends here" Legolas comforted Aragorn while mentally rolling his eyes.
"They WASHED MY HAIR! Alrite?!? I said it now! They washed my hair! They shampooed it and just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer, they conditioned it." Aragorn wailed then promptly burst into tears.
"There there" Sam patted Aragorns arm.
"It took me forever to get my hair like that. Years of wilderness, gone. Wiped out of existence in a mere hours."
"It took them over 6 hours to wash your greasy hair?" Merry asked incredulously.
"Well, it's pretty greasy" Legolas commented.
"ITS NOT GREASY!! It's just got that 'windswept blown wilderness' look." A flash of pain flitted across Aragorn's face and he put his head in his arms. "No. They did more. They forced me to, t-t-t" he voice started cracking, "To have a bath...WITH LILAC SMELLING SALTS" he spat out the last words.
"Oh Aragorn!!" Pippin jumped onto Aragorns back and ruffled up his hair, "At least it smells-----nice!" he said with forced cheerfulness.
"Just don't touch me, go away."
"Oh yeah. Everyone pays attention to him after his torture but no-one take any notice of poor, old Boromir. Nooooo. I'm fine. I'm just perfectly fine. I'm just dying. No! Don't anyone pay attention to me." A voice muttered out of the shadows, so of course no one paid any attention to it.
Several hours passed. The door opened and it admitted an orc carrying a trayful of something or other.
"Hey! I brought you some food! Oh my, what a bunch of long faces, what's wrong with you all? Where's the recently totured one? Ah, there he is. I see, he's going through his drug deprivation stage. Here this might help you. It's hard to go cold turkey. Nicotine patches." With that the orc handed over some patches.
"And what GOOD IS THAT GOING to do ME????"
"Well, if you stick them on your skin then----"
"The only good its going to do is if I roll them up and SMOKE THEM!"
"Come, come now. I don't like seeing such sad faces. Lets play a game! I know, lets play Ooargh!"
"What's that?" Merry and Pippin chorused together.
"It's a troll game that us orcs adopted. What you do is, you rip off a humans head and kick it around until you get a goal or it bursts, either way."
"Ohh, sounds like...fun" Frodo said weakly, and Sam turned green and started retching. "SAM! Don't start that again!"
"B-but Master, she, he, IT just said-----"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I upset your little toyboy even more. I'm terribly sorry. I"ll just be going now"
"I'm NOT GAY!!" Legolas' reflex actions took over.
"I'm sorry sir, I wasn't aware that I was talking to you..."the orc replied confused.
"What? You weren't talking to me? Who were you talking to the-----SAM??? TOYBOY????? Frodo's TOYBOY?????" Legolas burst out laughing.
Frodo grinned proudly and Sam spluttered, "Here, don't you go talking about m-me like that! I'm just a s-simple homosex----I meant, HETRASEXUAL hobbit from the S-Shire, in love with R-Rosie!!"
"Sure, sure. That's what they all say" Aragorn couldn't help himself giving a small chuckle.
"There! See, you're doing fine Edain," the orc said approvingly to Aragorn as it went out the door, "Oh! And Elf! I was told to warn you, you're next for the interrogation chamber. I heard they're thinking about giving you a nice haircut" and with that slammed the door quickly.
Too quickly for Legolas who started pounding on the door in desperation, "NOOOO! Not my hair! Anything but my hair!!! PLEASE NO!!" I'll tell you everything! I'll tell you about the ring!"
~*~silence*~*
"I"ll tell you about the heir to Isildur's throne!"
~*~silence~*~
"I"ll tell you how to defeat Elrond!"
~*~silence*~*
"I'll tell you how to exfoliate your skin properly!"
~*~silence*~*
"I"ll tell you my PIN number, my home address and phone number!" [about 1000000 girls start screaming in excitement]
~*~silence*~*
"I"ll tell you where I keep my secret drugs crop!"
"Hey!!! Why didn't you tell me?!?!?!?" Aragorn's voice.
~*~silence~*~
"I'll tell you where I keep my fluffy, pink tutu!!"
[The door creaks open]
"REALLY???? I've ALWAYS wanted one!!"