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Chapter 6, a confession.
Chakotay had left the lab, leaving Seska to stare at the door for a few long moments. Then she got up and went to look for Chakotay.
She hadn't known what to do; call Chakotay on the comlink while he was likely to be with some of the officers from the other ship, or go find him and risk running into them, too. In the end she knew she had to face him. She would take the risk and go look for him.
She was lucky -he had just left the bridge on his way to Engineering, and she caught up with him just as he left the turbolift.
"Chakotay?" she called.
Chakotay looked around and smiled at her. "Seska."
As she made no move to follow him into Engineering he turned and stopped.
"Is something wrong?" he asked.
Seska took a deep breath. "We have to talk."
Chakotay was puzzled for a moment. "Now?" he asked. But at the same time he noticed how tense she was, and it was not like her to come up with silly and frivolous things, especially not during a crisis. On a night out at Sandrine's or the holodeck was something else entirely. But whatever was the matter this time, it had to be serious.
"Okay," he said, and walked over to her.
Seska quickly led the way to one of the observation ports on the deck. She sat down and motioned for Chakotay to do the same.
Chakotay looked concerned. He had no idea what was wrong, but he did not say anything, giving her time to speak.
Seska looked at him and gathered herself. "Chakotay, I... I am not who you think I am."
"What do you mean?" Chakotay asked.
Seska made herself look at him as she answered. "Loriya Ruvek, undercover agent in the Obsidian Order."
Chakotay stared at her in stunned disbelief.
"I'm a Cardassian, Chakotay."
Chakotay slowly shook his head. "You can't be."
"Believe it," Seska said softly.
Slowly, Chakotay realised she was telling the truth. "Why are you telling me?" he asked.
"The other Voyager -the other Chakotay... They know," she took a deep breath. "I didn't know how to tell you, I am sorry."
Chakotay felt anger boil up inside him. "So you told me. If they had not come, would you have told me or would you have kept your secret until we were back in the Alpha Quadrant, when you could go home, taking all your carefully collected intelligence with you?" he asked coldly.
"No! I wouldn't have gone back!" Seska replied forcefully. Then she faltered, and continued more softly. "That is what I planned at first, to remain undercover and return. But I decided a long time ago I could not do that anymore."
She shook her head slowly and swallowed before continuing. "I don't know if I would have told you. I was afraid, of losing the friends I made, and afraid of losing you. But I can not go back to Cardassia and the Order, whatever happens."
Chakotay studied her, unknowingly much like his counterpart had done earlier. He wanted to believe her, he wanted to believe her with all his heart. But he was also First Officer of Voyager, and responsible for the safety of the ship. Here in the Delta Quadrant, and after they returned home.
"You lied to me all this time, why should I believe you now?" he asked flatly.
Seska sighed. Chakotay watched her as she looked down at the small table and her hands, with which she fiddled. Was she acting or not?
"I could tell you that even in the Alpha Quadrant you caught my interest, but I don't know how to make you believe that. And I would still have gone back to the Order, turned you and the rest of the Maquis over to them, I can't deny that. But here. I will try to explain," she said as she finally spoke again.
"Undercover work is always a lonely job, we are prepared for that. We pretend to make friends, we even pretend to be more than that, but in the end we know what we do may get our assumed friends captured or even killed. And Order is always there. I make my reports, sent them to my superior, and they would call me on it if there was ever any doubt about my loyalty. Last of all, Cardassia is also right there. Even if it may be years before we can socialise with other Cardassians again, I always knew the mission would end and I could go back home, be myself again among those few friends and family members that I still had after joining the Order."
She paused, but Chakotay just looked at her, waiting for her to continue.
"Then we came here," she went on. "And nothing, nothing in my training or my own past could have prepared me for that. At first I saw it as a great opportunity, just like you said. Instead of only collecting intelligence about the Maquis, I could learn about the latest Federation Starship as well. But when a number of ways to return home had failed, I realised I was stuck here as much as anyone. And there was no more Order looking over my shoulder, no more Cardassia to return to. The Maquis and the Federation crews learned to work together, even if there were a few glitches at first, and I found I was no longer pretending but was making friends for real."
"When did you come to that conclusion?" Chakotay asked.
Again, Seska shook her head. "It wasn't like that. I didn't wake up one morning and decided I was not going back to Cardassia. It just happened. I would be coming off duty and I would realise I had completely forgotten to make a coded copy of some specs I had seen during my shift. I would be sitting at Sandrine's with B'Elanna and I would find I was more interested in hearing the funny story about Neelix's last brew than in listening to any technical talk. I think it was about seven, eight months ago when I finally sat down and deleted all my coded files and log entries, but I had not added any new ones for some time before that. The only thing I never forgot was to alter the Doc's files so I was never asked to report for any routine check-ups."
"Can those files be recovered?" Chakotay asked next.
"No," Seska replied. "I would be extremely surprised if even Harry and Tuvok could recover any of the content, I made sure of that. They may still be able to find there was a large number of files deleted, but that is all."
"Convenient," Chakotay remarked. "If you really wanted to prove your innocence, at some point or time, would you not have kept the files? So you could prove you did not add any later on?"
"I had thought of that. But with them, Harry and Tuvok could have learned the full code I used. And some files, especially the earlier ones, included other things I did not want the Federation or the Maquis to know. You did not tell Captain Janeway every detail about the Maquis bases and operations."
"I didn't have to, thanks to Tuvok," Chakotay pointed out, irritated. Even now, he still didn't like to think of that.
"You know things he didn't. Did you tell those to the Captain?" Seska shot back.
"No," Chakotay had to admit.
"Well then," Seska said. "Look, Cardassia is still my home planet. I may not want to go back but I can't give the Order's secrets away, please don't ask that of me."
Chakotay was silent for a long time. Her explanation did make sense. He was extremely glad Captain Janeway had never asked him to divulge any more information about the Maquis, for if she had, he would have found himself in a difficult position. Would Seska, trained as a spy as she had just admitted, truly have the same qualms about giving intelligence or betraying her own? He wasn't sure. He also considered the rest of her confessions. Looking back, he thought he could see small changes in her behaviour. She had become more relaxed, and a lot closer to him as well as, he thought, her friends, over the past year or so. Not that that was definite proof, many of the crew had taken a long time to adjust to their life in the Delta Quadrant. But it was something. He made up his mind.
"I believe you," he said.
"Thank you," Seska breathed. She reached out as if to hug him, then pulled back and put her hand on his arm instead.
"We will have to inform the Captain," Chakotay said. Then he realised something he had almost missed. "And the rest of the staff. If you are here and you are not on the other Voyager, then the universes may have split because of something you did or didn't do."
Chapter 6, a confession.
Chakotay had left the lab, leaving Seska to stare at the door for a few long moments. Then she got up and went to look for Chakotay.
She hadn't known what to do; call Chakotay on the comlink while he was likely to be with some of the officers from the other ship, or go find him and risk running into them, too. In the end she knew she had to face him. She would take the risk and go look for him.
She was lucky -he had just left the bridge on his way to Engineering, and she caught up with him just as he left the turbolift.
"Chakotay?" she called.
Chakotay looked around and smiled at her. "Seska."
As she made no move to follow him into Engineering he turned and stopped.
"Is something wrong?" he asked.
Seska took a deep breath. "We have to talk."
Chakotay was puzzled for a moment. "Now?" he asked. But at the same time he noticed how tense she was, and it was not like her to come up with silly and frivolous things, especially not during a crisis. On a night out at Sandrine's or the holodeck was something else entirely. But whatever was the matter this time, it had to be serious.
"Okay," he said, and walked over to her.
Seska quickly led the way to one of the observation ports on the deck. She sat down and motioned for Chakotay to do the same.
Chakotay looked concerned. He had no idea what was wrong, but he did not say anything, giving her time to speak.
Seska looked at him and gathered herself. "Chakotay, I... I am not who you think I am."
"What do you mean?" Chakotay asked.
Seska made herself look at him as she answered. "Loriya Ruvek, undercover agent in the Obsidian Order."
Chakotay stared at her in stunned disbelief.
"I'm a Cardassian, Chakotay."
Chakotay slowly shook his head. "You can't be."
"Believe it," Seska said softly.
Slowly, Chakotay realised she was telling the truth. "Why are you telling me?" he asked.
"The other Voyager -the other Chakotay... They know," she took a deep breath. "I didn't know how to tell you, I am sorry."
Chakotay felt anger boil up inside him. "So you told me. If they had not come, would you have told me or would you have kept your secret until we were back in the Alpha Quadrant, when you could go home, taking all your carefully collected intelligence with you?" he asked coldly.
"No! I wouldn't have gone back!" Seska replied forcefully. Then she faltered, and continued more softly. "That is what I planned at first, to remain undercover and return. But I decided a long time ago I could not do that anymore."
She shook her head slowly and swallowed before continuing. "I don't know if I would have told you. I was afraid, of losing the friends I made, and afraid of losing you. But I can not go back to Cardassia and the Order, whatever happens."
Chakotay studied her, unknowingly much like his counterpart had done earlier. He wanted to believe her, he wanted to believe her with all his heart. But he was also First Officer of Voyager, and responsible for the safety of the ship. Here in the Delta Quadrant, and after they returned home.
"You lied to me all this time, why should I believe you now?" he asked flatly.
Seska sighed. Chakotay watched her as she looked down at the small table and her hands, with which she fiddled. Was she acting or not?
"I could tell you that even in the Alpha Quadrant you caught my interest, but I don't know how to make you believe that. And I would still have gone back to the Order, turned you and the rest of the Maquis over to them, I can't deny that. But here. I will try to explain," she said as she finally spoke again.
"Undercover work is always a lonely job, we are prepared for that. We pretend to make friends, we even pretend to be more than that, but in the end we know what we do may get our assumed friends captured or even killed. And Order is always there. I make my reports, sent them to my superior, and they would call me on it if there was ever any doubt about my loyalty. Last of all, Cardassia is also right there. Even if it may be years before we can socialise with other Cardassians again, I always knew the mission would end and I could go back home, be myself again among those few friends and family members that I still had after joining the Order."
She paused, but Chakotay just looked at her, waiting for her to continue.
"Then we came here," she went on. "And nothing, nothing in my training or my own past could have prepared me for that. At first I saw it as a great opportunity, just like you said. Instead of only collecting intelligence about the Maquis, I could learn about the latest Federation Starship as well. But when a number of ways to return home had failed, I realised I was stuck here as much as anyone. And there was no more Order looking over my shoulder, no more Cardassia to return to. The Maquis and the Federation crews learned to work together, even if there were a few glitches at first, and I found I was no longer pretending but was making friends for real."
"When did you come to that conclusion?" Chakotay asked.
Again, Seska shook her head. "It wasn't like that. I didn't wake up one morning and decided I was not going back to Cardassia. It just happened. I would be coming off duty and I would realise I had completely forgotten to make a coded copy of some specs I had seen during my shift. I would be sitting at Sandrine's with B'Elanna and I would find I was more interested in hearing the funny story about Neelix's last brew than in listening to any technical talk. I think it was about seven, eight months ago when I finally sat down and deleted all my coded files and log entries, but I had not added any new ones for some time before that. The only thing I never forgot was to alter the Doc's files so I was never asked to report for any routine check-ups."
"Can those files be recovered?" Chakotay asked next.
"No," Seska replied. "I would be extremely surprised if even Harry and Tuvok could recover any of the content, I made sure of that. They may still be able to find there was a large number of files deleted, but that is all."
"Convenient," Chakotay remarked. "If you really wanted to prove your innocence, at some point or time, would you not have kept the files? So you could prove you did not add any later on?"
"I had thought of that. But with them, Harry and Tuvok could have learned the full code I used. And some files, especially the earlier ones, included other things I did not want the Federation or the Maquis to know. You did not tell Captain Janeway every detail about the Maquis bases and operations."
"I didn't have to, thanks to Tuvok," Chakotay pointed out, irritated. Even now, he still didn't like to think of that.
"You know things he didn't. Did you tell those to the Captain?" Seska shot back.
"No," Chakotay had to admit.
"Well then," Seska said. "Look, Cardassia is still my home planet. I may not want to go back but I can't give the Order's secrets away, please don't ask that of me."
Chakotay was silent for a long time. Her explanation did make sense. He was extremely glad Captain Janeway had never asked him to divulge any more information about the Maquis, for if she had, he would have found himself in a difficult position. Would Seska, trained as a spy as she had just admitted, truly have the same qualms about giving intelligence or betraying her own? He wasn't sure. He also considered the rest of her confessions. Looking back, he thought he could see small changes in her behaviour. She had become more relaxed, and a lot closer to him as well as, he thought, her friends, over the past year or so. Not that that was definite proof, many of the crew had taken a long time to adjust to their life in the Delta Quadrant. But it was something. He made up his mind.
"I believe you," he said.
"Thank you," Seska breathed. She reached out as if to hug him, then pulled back and put her hand on his arm instead.
"We will have to inform the Captain," Chakotay said. Then he realised something he had almost missed. "And the rest of the staff. If you are here and you are not on the other Voyager, then the universes may have split because of something you did or didn't do."