And FINALLY! The conclusion.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~_^ (about time, I know) ~.O
The forest glistened with the morning dew, the sweet smell of fresh nectar hung on the air, and the sound of fair voices floated through the age-old trees.
"YOU STINK!! You smell like B.O. bad!!" Legolas wrinkled up his nose and tried to get as far away as possible from Aragorn.
"It's not B.O! Its that manly smell that draws excitably young women" Aragorn retaliated, "And therefore you will never be able to get the young elf-maidens."
"What because I don't stink like an orc that's been scrubbing up in a SEWERAGE drain???"
"No, because you're not *manly*" Aragorn laughed.
"I'd like you to know young human, that I could kick your arse in a fight and you know it!"
"Only because you live longer then me! I'd die and you'd be fighting my skeleton and still lose! LOSER!! LOSER!!!"
"Why you!!---" Legolas launched himself at Aragorn and the 2 rolled down the hill throwing punches and stray kicks. The others looked on. This was an everyday occurrence. It had stopped bothering them about 2 weeks ago.
"You know, sometimes I think that they don't take this whole destroy-the- ring-or-Sauron-is-going-to-destroy-Middle-Earth-and-we're-all-going-to-die thing seriously." Frodo consulted Sam worriedly.
"I think I forgot to bring the rope master" Sam replied.
"What? I was talking to you about the psychological differences between those 2 species and asking for an informed opinion on whether they take this mission seriously and all you can say is, "I FORGOT THE ROPE????"" Frodo quite lost it.
Sam went quite red and mumbled, "But rope always comes in handy. You know my father always said that you should never forget the rope because you're bound to need it somewhere----"
"Yeah, I'm going to need it alright. I'm going to HANG YOU WITH IT!!" The normally calm/eternally worried hobbits voice made everyone turn their head.
"Jeez, take a chill pill. Can't you see some people are trying to get some sleep here?" Boromir said from under a pile of shields which he had placed strategically around himself to help ward off an attack. So far some poor rabbit had had it's head nearly chopped off and Gimli had nearly been blown away by a land mine.
"I'm not the one sleeping under a armadillo!" Frodo retorted.
Aragorn used this sudden distraction to pick up Merry and bash Legolas with the little hobbit. Legolas stumbled to his knees gasping for breath and his eyes narrowed as he saw what Aragorn held as a club.
"LET ME DOWN!"
"Oh, so you're going to fight dirty now human huh? Well, two can play at that game!" And before Pippin had caught onto what was happened the elf grabbed the hobbit and started to flail wildly at Aragorn with him.
"Take that human!"
"Ouch"
"Impudent elf! Piece of fluff, bow to my staff and will!"
"Ow. This is really starting to hur-"
"Pathetic Edain! Give up while you still live"
"OUCH!!"
"Never!"
"OWWW! I don't wanna die!! MUMMYYYY!"
Once again the others looked on. Well Sam and Frodo did. Boromir was still busy putting on more body armour and thinking on how to steal Frodo's mithril vest (which he only knows about cause it's in the script) and Gimli was dreamily looking at himself in a puddle.
"Oh, aren't you a sexy beast? Oh, down boy! Bad boy!" Gimli was murmuring things to his reflection in that Austin Powers voice, "I could love you all night long." Turning to Sam and Frodo, "What do you guys think? The plain black mascara or the silver shimmer dust for the eyelids?"
Sam and Frodo stared. "I think that morgul blade must have altered my brain chemistry or something because I think I'm going insane" Frodo muttered hysterically.
"It's ok master"
"Combine them both together! Put on the shimmer dust, then the mascara! It will look fabulous, da-ahling!" Legolas answered without skipping a beat. (or whack with a hobbit in this case)
"OUCH!"
"No, its *not* ok Samwise Gamgee! Look around you, what do you see?"
"Must I master? I thought it was nicer to think that I was back home with Rosie, doing...stuff..."his voice petered out.
"Ohhhhh" Frodo answered his voice thick with realisation, "That's what happens when you get that dreamy look and start shaking".
"Umm, I think I should go and make sure that Gimli doesn't try to go any further with his reflection.." the chubby hobbit nearly sprinted off.
The day wore on and Frodo thought about their escape from the dudgeons while the birds whistled and the screams of Merry and Pippin could be heard. It was so nice to be back out in fresh, open, air Frodo thought. It was so easy to get out once they had realised what to look for.
[Flashback to the caves]
"How do we get out of here????"
"I don't know!! Look for a sign saying "EXIT" Aragorn snapped sarcastically.
Legolas the dumb blonde took him at his word, "Ok."
After frantically running back and forth past a door with a bright green and white light above it they stopped panting.
"Um, Aragorn, how do you spell EXIT anyway?"
"For gods sake! When they made you Legolas did they forget to give you any brains and just give you the looks? E-X-I-T."
"No, I mean, how do you spell it in orcish?"
"Ohhhhhh. Ok, we're standing right in front of a door with a flashing light saying "FOUDFAUFADFIGEWBJBDVHSDBZMNXNCMZC", its got an easy access handle and everything. Um" Aragorn's last 2 remaining brain cells tried to put a connection together. 1 of them died. The other shut down.
"Let's try the handle and find out huh?" Boromir sarcastically said and Legolas being the dumb blonde (again) said, "Ok" And opened it. It turned out to be a toilet. And it turned out that "FOUDFAUFADFIGEWBJBDVHSDBZMNXNCMZC" meant "ENGAGED".
In hindsight it was amazing to see how quickly Gimli could dig a whole through pure rock, well, anyone would dig awful fast just to escape that orc who was in a rather nasty mood after being disturbed from his 'rest'.
Frodo sighed. The day passed rather quickly and Merry and Pippin were put down in a truce, mainly still in one piece. The sight of each other's blood had been too much and they had to spend the rest of the day/night tied to a tree to try and suppress the food frenzy that the blood had driven them to. In fact, Frodo squinted, there they are tied to the tree - still, with rags stuffed in their mouths to keep the drooling to a minimum.
"Umtie meee!" Muffled, but audible. "I pwomise to never bite Wegowas again, wupturing his purfehctly manicuhred hand!"
"Uhhhh! Ditthoo!"
Frodo grinned as a voice was heard, "FAT CHANCE! SHUTUPP! People are trying to get sleep here!" Frodo then sighed as he looked down at the figure crouched beneath him. The rustling of canvas could be heard.
"Sam, I'm not sure if I'm going this right"
"That's alright master. You're doing fine. You just got to hammer it harder. Look, there, like mine. See how straight it is? It's got to be taut as."
"Can you help me, I can't get it to stay up"
"Sure thing master. I had the same problem when I first started doing this." More rustling. A thud, a short gasp, a moan.
"That was my finger!"
"Sorry, master, I guess I got I bit carried away. You know, they're both long, slim and cylindrical." Sam apologised. "Now that its up, you slip this over the top, that will keep it from suddenly going slack, wouldn't want that to happen would we? That would certainly be a surprise huh master?"
"Thanks Sam. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Well, you wouldn't stay nice, dry and warm without me that's for sure!" Nervous laughter.
"Well, now that we got the base-work erected, lets get on with the business."
"Yep, lets start" More rustling.
"What are you doing master?"
"Well, I'm a bit nervous, just being out this late at night, in the dark in the bushes. Thank god, you're here to keep me company."
"Aww, that's ok master. Just follow what I do."
"Ok" More urgent rustling. Then quietly, "You know, Sam, I've never done this before." "Really? Why didn't you just tell me? I'll do the rest." Rustling stops and there is a sigh of satisfaction.
"Goddamn, that is one perfect tent". Sam stands back to admire his handiwork. Frodo is clutching his thumb which is red thanks to Sam hitting it with the hammer when hammering in the pegs.
"Sure is Sam. Now lets get some sleep. Night Sam" Frodo crawls into his tent and Sam walks away happily whistling.
[A/N - Hehehehe =)]
The next 2 weeks went quickly and in no time at all, they were back in Aragorn's home forest closing in on Rivendell quick.
"Almost home! I'm almost home!" Aragorn sung while skipping along picking some flowers.
Legolas smirked looking at the bunch of wildflowers, "Now, who is the one that's a pansie?" [A/N No pun intended]
"They're for Arwen! For that lovely elf whos moon shelters in her robes, whos sun shines from behind her head, whos stars twinkle in her eyes, who is the most beautiful thing alive on earth and...and...SHE'S MINE!!!"
Legolas started muttering a curse under his breath, "May Aragorn, son of Arathon, befall such a hideous accident that he is unable to wed the Evenstar of my people and-----" the jinx was lucky cut short by the presence of 2 elves which suddenly just appeared.
"Wow. That's weird. I'm seeing double" Merry commented and Pippin narrowed his eyes and looked up at Aragorn, "What did you put in our food?"
"ARRGGGHHH! We're being attacked by CLONES!!!" Everyone turned to see Boromir turn white and scream piercingly, "I'm going to die!!" before fainting.
"Brothers!!" Aragorn shouted happily and bounded like a big puppy into Elladan and Elrohir arms.
"Hang on Ari, you know these guys?" Legolas asked unbelievingly.
"They're my brothers! We're really close despite the age difference, I mean we're only about 1,000,000,000,000,000 years difference. How goes it in fair Rivendell?"
"Ari???" Elladan snorted. Aragorn gave Legolas a deathstare.
"Yeah, the dumb blonde here, Legless makes up some pathetic names..." Legolas stuck out his tongue at 'Ari'. Ari stuck up his finger.
Elrohir , the negotiator, intervened to stop the quarrellers. "Rivendell is as fine as the day you left dear brother. Although it was been lonely without your antics to keep us amused young human."
"Go on, tell him about the one thing that is not fine in Rivendell!" Elladan egged on his twin brother.
"Alright, alright, patience"
"What's wrong??" Aragorn asked anxiously, the finger war with 'Legless' completely forgotten.
"I'm afraid that the Lord of Elmadris, your father, Elrond, is..um, there is no easy way to say this...um, he currently thinks that he is a chicken."
"A CHICKEN??"
"Um, yeah, but not only a chicken, but a chicken that works in a nightclub" Elladan had to try and keep a straight face.
"A CHICKEN IN A NIGHTCLUB???? WHAT????? WHY?????"
Elrohir mouth twitched slightly, "We thought that maybe you would be able to tell us brother. After all, it was *your* medicine chest that he was going through when some of it caught on fire....."
"WHAT?!?!?!?"
The end.
PS. Thanks for all the reviews. Special thanks to Magical Rachel and Stacey. To Magical Rachel because you reviewed EVERY CHAPTER! Legend!! Also, if you liked this then I suggest that you read any books by Terry Pratchett, some things were stolen, I mean, BORROWED from his books. They are sooo funny! Yep, I think that's about as much as my twisted mind can think of for LotR.
LotR will never be the same again. Also, did I fool you with the tent scene?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~_^ (about time, I know) ~.O
The forest glistened with the morning dew, the sweet smell of fresh nectar hung on the air, and the sound of fair voices floated through the age-old trees.
"YOU STINK!! You smell like B.O. bad!!" Legolas wrinkled up his nose and tried to get as far away as possible from Aragorn.
"It's not B.O! Its that manly smell that draws excitably young women" Aragorn retaliated, "And therefore you will never be able to get the young elf-maidens."
"What because I don't stink like an orc that's been scrubbing up in a SEWERAGE drain???"
"No, because you're not *manly*" Aragorn laughed.
"I'd like you to know young human, that I could kick your arse in a fight and you know it!"
"Only because you live longer then me! I'd die and you'd be fighting my skeleton and still lose! LOSER!! LOSER!!!"
"Why you!!---" Legolas launched himself at Aragorn and the 2 rolled down the hill throwing punches and stray kicks. The others looked on. This was an everyday occurrence. It had stopped bothering them about 2 weeks ago.
"You know, sometimes I think that they don't take this whole destroy-the- ring-or-Sauron-is-going-to-destroy-Middle-Earth-and-we're-all-going-to-die thing seriously." Frodo consulted Sam worriedly.
"I think I forgot to bring the rope master" Sam replied.
"What? I was talking to you about the psychological differences between those 2 species and asking for an informed opinion on whether they take this mission seriously and all you can say is, "I FORGOT THE ROPE????"" Frodo quite lost it.
Sam went quite red and mumbled, "But rope always comes in handy. You know my father always said that you should never forget the rope because you're bound to need it somewhere----"
"Yeah, I'm going to need it alright. I'm going to HANG YOU WITH IT!!" The normally calm/eternally worried hobbits voice made everyone turn their head.
"Jeez, take a chill pill. Can't you see some people are trying to get some sleep here?" Boromir said from under a pile of shields which he had placed strategically around himself to help ward off an attack. So far some poor rabbit had had it's head nearly chopped off and Gimli had nearly been blown away by a land mine.
"I'm not the one sleeping under a armadillo!" Frodo retorted.
Aragorn used this sudden distraction to pick up Merry and bash Legolas with the little hobbit. Legolas stumbled to his knees gasping for breath and his eyes narrowed as he saw what Aragorn held as a club.
"LET ME DOWN!"
"Oh, so you're going to fight dirty now human huh? Well, two can play at that game!" And before Pippin had caught onto what was happened the elf grabbed the hobbit and started to flail wildly at Aragorn with him.
"Take that human!"
"Ouch"
"Impudent elf! Piece of fluff, bow to my staff and will!"
"Ow. This is really starting to hur-"
"Pathetic Edain! Give up while you still live"
"OUCH!!"
"Never!"
"OWWW! I don't wanna die!! MUMMYYYY!"
Once again the others looked on. Well Sam and Frodo did. Boromir was still busy putting on more body armour and thinking on how to steal Frodo's mithril vest (which he only knows about cause it's in the script) and Gimli was dreamily looking at himself in a puddle.
"Oh, aren't you a sexy beast? Oh, down boy! Bad boy!" Gimli was murmuring things to his reflection in that Austin Powers voice, "I could love you all night long." Turning to Sam and Frodo, "What do you guys think? The plain black mascara or the silver shimmer dust for the eyelids?"
Sam and Frodo stared. "I think that morgul blade must have altered my brain chemistry or something because I think I'm going insane" Frodo muttered hysterically.
"It's ok master"
"Combine them both together! Put on the shimmer dust, then the mascara! It will look fabulous, da-ahling!" Legolas answered without skipping a beat. (or whack with a hobbit in this case)
"OUCH!"
"No, its *not* ok Samwise Gamgee! Look around you, what do you see?"
"Must I master? I thought it was nicer to think that I was back home with Rosie, doing...stuff..."his voice petered out.
"Ohhhhh" Frodo answered his voice thick with realisation, "That's what happens when you get that dreamy look and start shaking".
"Umm, I think I should go and make sure that Gimli doesn't try to go any further with his reflection.." the chubby hobbit nearly sprinted off.
The day wore on and Frodo thought about their escape from the dudgeons while the birds whistled and the screams of Merry and Pippin could be heard. It was so nice to be back out in fresh, open, air Frodo thought. It was so easy to get out once they had realised what to look for.
[Flashback to the caves]
"How do we get out of here????"
"I don't know!! Look for a sign saying "EXIT" Aragorn snapped sarcastically.
Legolas the dumb blonde took him at his word, "Ok."
After frantically running back and forth past a door with a bright green and white light above it they stopped panting.
"Um, Aragorn, how do you spell EXIT anyway?"
"For gods sake! When they made you Legolas did they forget to give you any brains and just give you the looks? E-X-I-T."
"No, I mean, how do you spell it in orcish?"
"Ohhhhhh. Ok, we're standing right in front of a door with a flashing light saying "FOUDFAUFADFIGEWBJBDVHSDBZMNXNCMZC", its got an easy access handle and everything. Um" Aragorn's last 2 remaining brain cells tried to put a connection together. 1 of them died. The other shut down.
"Let's try the handle and find out huh?" Boromir sarcastically said and Legolas being the dumb blonde (again) said, "Ok" And opened it. It turned out to be a toilet. And it turned out that "FOUDFAUFADFIGEWBJBDVHSDBZMNXNCMZC" meant "ENGAGED".
In hindsight it was amazing to see how quickly Gimli could dig a whole through pure rock, well, anyone would dig awful fast just to escape that orc who was in a rather nasty mood after being disturbed from his 'rest'.
Frodo sighed. The day passed rather quickly and Merry and Pippin were put down in a truce, mainly still in one piece. The sight of each other's blood had been too much and they had to spend the rest of the day/night tied to a tree to try and suppress the food frenzy that the blood had driven them to. In fact, Frodo squinted, there they are tied to the tree - still, with rags stuffed in their mouths to keep the drooling to a minimum.
"Umtie meee!" Muffled, but audible. "I pwomise to never bite Wegowas again, wupturing his purfehctly manicuhred hand!"
"Uhhhh! Ditthoo!"
Frodo grinned as a voice was heard, "FAT CHANCE! SHUTUPP! People are trying to get sleep here!" Frodo then sighed as he looked down at the figure crouched beneath him. The rustling of canvas could be heard.
"Sam, I'm not sure if I'm going this right"
"That's alright master. You're doing fine. You just got to hammer it harder. Look, there, like mine. See how straight it is? It's got to be taut as."
"Can you help me, I can't get it to stay up"
"Sure thing master. I had the same problem when I first started doing this." More rustling. A thud, a short gasp, a moan.
"That was my finger!"
"Sorry, master, I guess I got I bit carried away. You know, they're both long, slim and cylindrical." Sam apologised. "Now that its up, you slip this over the top, that will keep it from suddenly going slack, wouldn't want that to happen would we? That would certainly be a surprise huh master?"
"Thanks Sam. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Well, you wouldn't stay nice, dry and warm without me that's for sure!" Nervous laughter.
"Well, now that we got the base-work erected, lets get on with the business."
"Yep, lets start" More rustling.
"What are you doing master?"
"Well, I'm a bit nervous, just being out this late at night, in the dark in the bushes. Thank god, you're here to keep me company."
"Aww, that's ok master. Just follow what I do."
"Ok" More urgent rustling. Then quietly, "You know, Sam, I've never done this before." "Really? Why didn't you just tell me? I'll do the rest." Rustling stops and there is a sigh of satisfaction.
"Goddamn, that is one perfect tent". Sam stands back to admire his handiwork. Frodo is clutching his thumb which is red thanks to Sam hitting it with the hammer when hammering in the pegs.
"Sure is Sam. Now lets get some sleep. Night Sam" Frodo crawls into his tent and Sam walks away happily whistling.
[A/N - Hehehehe =)]
The next 2 weeks went quickly and in no time at all, they were back in Aragorn's home forest closing in on Rivendell quick.
"Almost home! I'm almost home!" Aragorn sung while skipping along picking some flowers.
Legolas smirked looking at the bunch of wildflowers, "Now, who is the one that's a pansie?" [A/N No pun intended]
"They're for Arwen! For that lovely elf whos moon shelters in her robes, whos sun shines from behind her head, whos stars twinkle in her eyes, who is the most beautiful thing alive on earth and...and...SHE'S MINE!!!"
Legolas started muttering a curse under his breath, "May Aragorn, son of Arathon, befall such a hideous accident that he is unable to wed the Evenstar of my people and-----" the jinx was lucky cut short by the presence of 2 elves which suddenly just appeared.
"Wow. That's weird. I'm seeing double" Merry commented and Pippin narrowed his eyes and looked up at Aragorn, "What did you put in our food?"
"ARRGGGHHH! We're being attacked by CLONES!!!" Everyone turned to see Boromir turn white and scream piercingly, "I'm going to die!!" before fainting.
"Brothers!!" Aragorn shouted happily and bounded like a big puppy into Elladan and Elrohir arms.
"Hang on Ari, you know these guys?" Legolas asked unbelievingly.
"They're my brothers! We're really close despite the age difference, I mean we're only about 1,000,000,000,000,000 years difference. How goes it in fair Rivendell?"
"Ari???" Elladan snorted. Aragorn gave Legolas a deathstare.
"Yeah, the dumb blonde here, Legless makes up some pathetic names..." Legolas stuck out his tongue at 'Ari'. Ari stuck up his finger.
Elrohir , the negotiator, intervened to stop the quarrellers. "Rivendell is as fine as the day you left dear brother. Although it was been lonely without your antics to keep us amused young human."
"Go on, tell him about the one thing that is not fine in Rivendell!" Elladan egged on his twin brother.
"Alright, alright, patience"
"What's wrong??" Aragorn asked anxiously, the finger war with 'Legless' completely forgotten.
"I'm afraid that the Lord of Elmadris, your father, Elrond, is..um, there is no easy way to say this...um, he currently thinks that he is a chicken."
"A CHICKEN??"
"Um, yeah, but not only a chicken, but a chicken that works in a nightclub" Elladan had to try and keep a straight face.
"A CHICKEN IN A NIGHTCLUB???? WHAT????? WHY?????"
Elrohir mouth twitched slightly, "We thought that maybe you would be able to tell us brother. After all, it was *your* medicine chest that he was going through when some of it caught on fire....."
"WHAT?!?!?!?"
The end.
PS. Thanks for all the reviews. Special thanks to Magical Rachel and Stacey. To Magical Rachel because you reviewed EVERY CHAPTER! Legend!! Also, if you liked this then I suggest that you read any books by Terry Pratchett, some things were stolen, I mean, BORROWED from his books. They are sooo funny! Yep, I think that's about as much as my twisted mind can think of for LotR.
LotR will never be the same again. Also, did I fool you with the tent scene?