Friday, September 17, 1993
"Harry, d'you reckon you'll be able to play Quidditch this season?" George Weasley asked at lunch three days later. "What, with your leg and all."
"I hope so," Harry replied. "Madam Pomfrey did something so that it's supposed to heal, like, three times faster than it would normally. The cast should be coming off within a couple of weeks."
"We're having practice tonight, if you want to come and watch," Fred Weasley told him. "Let us know how we're doing and such. Seven o'clock."
"I don't know," Harry responded. "I have to go to a counseling session with Snape around seven, and I don't know how long I'll be. When I'm done, if you're still out there, then I'll come out."
"Counseling with Snape?!" Dean repeated in disgust. "I'll pray for you, Harry."
"Oh, come on, he's not all that bad, really," Harry insisted.
He glanced over to the Slytherin table and caught Draco's eye. The blond jerked his head towards the door to the Great Hall, then got up. Harry nodded.
"I have to go," he told his friends. "I'll talk to you all later." He took his crutches and left, meeting up with Draco by the staircase. "You all right?"
"I'm not sure," Draco replied, folding his arms over his chest. "You don't think Snape's going to make us talk if we don't want to, do you? I haven't told anyone anything, really, except for you."
"I don't think he'll force us to talk," Harry said. "He'll probably give us 'good reasons' as to why we should talk, but I don't think he'll force us. Where's the session at, again?"
"It's actually in Snape's wing, for more privacy, I guess. It's near Slytherin Tower. Meet me here around six-forty-five, and I'll show you where. Come on, let's go to Care of Magical Creatures."
"We'll be early..." Harry commented as they made their way towards Hagrid's hut outside. "The past few days, we've been doing book work, but I think we're going to deal with some kind of creature today. Hagrid's probably going to take it easy on you and me."
"I hope so," Draco agreed. "I just got out of the hospital wing; I don't need any of those creatures putting me back in there." He went back to the subject of the counseling session. "If you start talking about what happened to you...you'll start remembering. Will you have another attack?"
"I hope not." Harry shuddered at the thought. "If it looks like I'm not paying attention, or I'm concentrating too hard on something, then just, like, shake me out of it or something." Draco nodded. "So... Does your father know yet?" The blond boy shook his head. "You're going to be in a lot of danger when he finds out, aren't you?"
"Yes," Draco whispered. He looked at Harry. "I'm scared, you know? My father's powerful, and this will just send him over... I heard Dumbledore saying they're going to put even more protection on Hogwarts, for the both of us." By that time, they'd reached Hagrid's hut.
"'Arry, 'ow are yeh?" Hagrid came to greet them. "Draco, good ter see yeh back."
"Hi, Hagrid," Draco said.
"'Ow are the two o' yeh doin'?" Hagrid wondered. "An' why are yeh here so early?"
"I'm doing all right," Harry replied.
"As good as can be expected," Draco added. "And we just left lunch early."
"What are we doing today, Hagrid?" Harry inquired.
"Learnin' abou' faeries today," Hagrid responded. "Got a couple o' them over here, if yeh want ter see." He led the boys over to a case holding five beautiful faeries. "Lovely creatures, faeries, but dead sneaky. Never know what one of 'em's up ter. These ones are well-behaved, though. Won't up an' fly off." He turned to look at the boys, who were watching the playful faeries in awe.
"Harry, d'ya need someplace ter sit?" Harry nodded.
"Don't think I'll be able to stand for an hour," he said. Hagrid brought a chair over for Harry to sit in, as well as a bale of hay to put his leg up.
"Draco, yeh need anythin'?"
"Can I have a chair, too? Sometimes I get dizzy when I stand up too long."
"O' course," Hagrid agreed, bringing out another chair. "There yeh go."
"Thanks, Hagrid," Draco said, sitting down as Hermione and Ron came over from the castle. The rest of the class was heading for the hut as well. Seeing the Slytherins coming, Draco moved his chair away from Harry's.
"Sorry," Draco said under his breath. "If some of them see me and you being friends, they'll tell my father." Harry nodded his understanding.
"Hi, Hagrid," Hermione said. "Hi, Harry. Hi, Mal--Draco."
Draco had apologized to Ron and Hermione the day before, and Hermione was still trying to get used to calling him by his first name. He acknowledged her greeting with a nod, as the Slytherins were coming closer.
"Oh, Draco, how are you feeling?" Pansy ran over to Draco and hugged him, causing him to roll his eyes at Harry.
"Pansy, get off, that hurts," he snapped. The corners of Harry's mouth twitched slightly, and Hermione and Ron covered their mouths to hide their smiles. Pansy pouted and moved away from Draco, heading back for her friends.
"All righ', everyone!" Hagrid announced. "Today we're learnin' abou' the beautiful creature known as the faerie. I got five faeries here today. These ones are good, well-behaved faeries, but not all faeries are like tha'. Unpredictable, they are. I'm goin' ter let 'em out, an' they'll each pick one o' yeh to spend time with. They can sense who they like and who they don' like. They're dead playful, so if yeh don' want ter play, they won' come ter yeh."
At that moment, Hagrid opened the case holding the faeries, and they flew out. Two immediately flew over to Draco and Harry. Draco's was red, and Harry's was blue. They were both about six inches tall. Harry's landed on his cast, then proceeded to crawl up his leg, until she got to his stomach. There she stood, staring up at him with a smile on her face. Harry smiled back.
"Not many folks can talk ter' faeries," Hagrid was saying. "Yeh can try, though. They migh' talk back, an' they migh' not. Depends on if they really like yeh."
"Hello," Harry said softly to his faerie. She giggled and waved. "You sure are pretty." Suddenly she flew up and kissed the tip of Harry's nose. "Aw, thank you. Do you have a name?" She nodded and flew over to Harry's ear, whispering. "Your name's Lilly? That was my mother's name..." Lilly the faerie hovered in the air in front of Harry's face for a moment, then went to rest on his stomach again. "You don't want to play, then?" Lilly yawned and shook her head. "Oh, you're tired." She nodded and curled up on Harry's stomach.
"I think she likes you, Harry," Ron teased. Harry smiled, sadly.
At least somebody really does...
~~~
Later that evening, after supper, Draco and Harry went to Snape's quarters. The professor had given them the password, so that they were able to get in. Snape met them at the door and showed them through to a room with a sofa and some chairs. All in all, Snape's living quarters were very dark and dreary. It's what one would expect from him.
"How are you both feeling?" Snape asked.
"All right, I guess," Harry replied from the couch, where he'd been allowed to stretch out and put his leg up. "Sore."
"Same," Draco said from the chair across from Snape's.
"How were your classes?"
"Normal." Harry shrugged his shoulders. "We got to play with faeries in Care of Magical Creatures. There were only five of them, and two of them came straight to us when they were let out."
"Harry's fell asleep on his stomach," Draco snickered. Snape smiled slightly.
"She talked to me, too," Harry added. "I asked her what her name was, and she told me it was Lilly. Same as my mother's..." He sighed.
"All right, well..." Snape thought for a moment. "I've never done anything like this before. I've been trying to think of ways to make all this talking easier for the two of you, but I remembered, it's not easy at all. Talking about abuse and everything, it's hard." Harry and Draco nodded their agreement. "So I decided, I'm going to explain to you why Dumbledore thought I was the best--only--choice to talk to you. Then, if you wish, you can talk. Also, you can ask me any questions you want to in these sessions." Neither boy protested, so Snape began his story.
"Throughout my childhood, I was severely abused by my father. Physically, mentally, and yes, sexually. I don't know why he did it, but the fact remains that he did it. Everything became worse when I came to Hogwarts. I come from a long line of Slytherins, so naturally, my father had to make sure I would be in Slytherin as well. He threatened to kill me if I wasn't. When the time came for my sorting, I begged the Sorting Hat to put me in Slytherin, and it worked. I was so relieved. He wasn't going to kill me.
"In my third year, I became friends with your mother, Harry. By that time, I was staying at Hogwarts as much as I could. During the summer, of course, I had to go home, and that was when my father would give me the worst beatings I'd ever seen. The bruises lasted well into the school year, and until third-year, I was able to hide them. It wasn't difficult; not many people paid attention to me. Lily, however, noticed everything. I used to joke that she was omniscient, knowing everything that happened.
"Lily saw a lot of my bruises, which I'd so carefully attempted to hide. She noticed that I'd become withdrawn from people, and that I threw myself into my schoolwork, earning some of the highest marks in our class.
"Then she was the one who found me the first time I tried to kill myself. She took me to the hospital wing, making up some excuse for why I had rather large cuts on my wrists. Then she went to Dumbledore. They both tried talking to me, but half the time, I didn't listen. The day after I got out of the hospital wing, I tried to jump from the Astronomy Tower. It didn't work, so don't get any ideas. Dumbledore has alarms set for that reason.
"So it kept going on like that. I'd go to the hospital wing, I'd get out and try a different way. I'd go back in. Lily or Dumbledore would talk to me. I'd get out and try again. There were times when I'd had to be restrained, strapped to a bed so that I wouldn't harm myself. There were times when I wouldn't let anyone other than Dumbledore or Lily touch me. That went on until the summer after my fifth year. That's when Dumbledore got me out of my father's custody and took me in as his own child. Things began to turn around then, though I won't lie to you. There have been many times since then that I've felt the urge to end myself. Each time, I go upstairs and talk to Dumbledore. It really helps."
"Did you stay here at Hogwarts during the summer holidays, Professor, after Dumbledore took you in?" Draco wondered, quietly.
"I'll tell you what," Snape said. "While we're in here, call me Severus. But only in here. And yes, I spent a large portion of my summers here at Hogwarts. Sometimes I went to visit Lily, or Remus Lupin. Sometimes I just went on vacations. But mostly, I stayed here. You two will probably end up staying here through the summers as well; it's not safe otherwise... Is it all right if I ask you some questions now?" The boys agreed. "I told you that I don't know why my father abused me. What do you think was the reason for your abuse?"
"They knew they could control me," Draco replied, simply. "But they went too far." Harry didn't respond right away, and that made Draco wonder if he was thinking about memories again. "Harry? You all right?"
"I deserved it," Harry said in a small voice as a tear ran down his cheek. "I didn't follow their rules. I did things that I wasn't supposed to. I didn't do things I was supposed to do. So I had to be punished for it..."
"Nobody deserves that kind of treatment, Harry," Snape sighed, shaking his head. "Least of all, a child." He went on to another question. "When was the last time either of you hurt yourselves?"
"Yesterday," Draco mumbled.
"Yesterday," Harry repeated.
"Let's make a deal, all right?" Snape requested. "The next time either of you feels the need to do something to yourself, come find me, or go to one another. I know that, at the time, you feel like you need to do it. But trust me, when you're suddenly floating in mid-air after jumping out of the Astronomy Tower window... It makes you think." Draco cracked a small smile. Harry only stared at his hands, silently. "Harry?"
"I don't only do it because of what they did to me, you know?" he said, quietly. "I-I just... I hate myself. I hate myself as the 'Boy Who Lived', and I hate myself as just me. I hate feeling like the world is on my shoulders, because that makes me wonder if I can really handle it. And that makes me feel like I'm weak, like I'm just going to fail at everything. Then that makes me feel like everyone would be better off without a failure like me. They deserve so much better than me.
"Then sometimes I think they don't really care, they just act like it. Maybe to get some of the fame or whatever. I hate the fame. I hate it when people meet me and they just stare at that bloody scar. It's like they're not even looking at me, it's like I'm not me.
"And then there's the nightmares... How in Merlin's name can I live my life normally when every night is a flashback of nearly suffocating in that bloody cupboard, or being raped repeatedly by my uncle and my cousin, or being hit in my head with the leg of a chair until I pass out, or having my chest stood on by my cousin, leaving footprints and crushing my ribs? How in the bloody hell can I live when that's what I see every night? Most nights, I don't even let myself go to sleep because I can't stand the thought of what memory I'm going to relive next..."
Draco and Snape stared at Harry for a moment. They both had tears in their eyes, and Draco had let a few slip out. But Harry wouldn't cry. He didn't want to cry in front of them because that would be another thing to add to the list of what was wrong with him.
"Harry, crying isn't a bad thing, you know," Snape told him, gently. "It helps sometimes, it really does." He could tell that Harry wanted to let it out. He could tell that the boy had tears in his eyes that he desperately needed to release.
And he was right.
Harry buried his face in his hands, silent sobs wracking his entire body. Draco moved over to the couch and, without hesitation, pulled Harry into a hug. Harry froze at the touch, but relaxed within a few moments and wrapped his arms around Draco as well. When he felt Harry's body stop shuddering, Draco pulled away and wiped his eyes, as did Harry.
"Thank you," Harry whispered. Draco gave him a small smile.
"I figured it was what we both needed," he replied. There was a silent pause, until Snape broke it.
"Well... I think that's enough talking for the day," he said. "Same time, next week?" The boys nodded. "Good. And if you need anything before then, just come to me. Even if it's in the middle of the night, and don't worry about Filch catching you out of bed. He knows that you two have 'special circumstances.' Now go on, go out and have some fun. You both deserve it."
The boys thanks the professor, then moved to leave. Harry hobbled after Draco on his crutches.
"What are you planning on doing?" Draco asked Harry.
"Quidditch practice. Fred and George asked me to come and watch, even if I can't play yet. You?"
"Homework," Draco sighed. Harry gave him a sympathetic look.
"Well, have fun, I guess," he said, just as they were about to split ways. "And Draco? Thanks a lot."
"Don't worry about it," Draco replied, smiling slightly. "Take care tonight. I'll see you tomorrow." With that, he headed up to Slytherin Tower. Harry made his way outside, to the Quidditch field. He spotted Ron and Hermione in the stands, and went up to sit with them.
"Hey, mate, how did it go?" Ron asked, taking in Harry's tearstained face.
"It was...more than I expected. It helped a little, though." He changed the subject. "How's practice going?" He looked up at the Gryffindor Quidditch team in the air.
"They're not really practicing," Hermione laughed. "They're just chasing each other around on their broomsticks and throwing things."
"Looks like they're having fun." Harry sighed, softly. "If it wasn't for this bloody leg, I could be up there."
"Give it time, Harry," Hermione told him. "You said yourself that your leg will be fine in a couple of weeks." Harry nodded and stood up.
"I'm tired. I'm going to go back to the Tower. See you guys later."
When Harry reached the fifth-year boys dorm, he changed his clothes and climbed into bed. He drew the curtains around his four-poster, then picked up his wand, waving it a little.
"Silencio," he whispered. With that, he went to sleep.