Pain. It conquered his body. Every inch of his physical being was taken over by immense pain, and it was all he could do not to cry out. If he did that, then they'd come back and punish him some more.
Memories of what they had done to him the night before flooded his mind. They hadn't just raped him; it was so much more than that. They'd forced him to do all kinds of things with them.
He felt so dirty, so impure. He hadn't been allowed to wash for days, and he couldn't now, when he felt that he needed it most.
He couldn't move. He just huddled himself up in the corner of the empty room, with a thin blanket to cover his naked body. If he even slightly moved, all of his joints would scream out in protest.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps and froze. They're coming back for more...
~~~
Harry sat up quickly, his face soaked with tears and sweat. He grabbed his crutches and hurried to the bathroom, barely shutting the door before he began to empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet. When he finished, he weakly stood up and grabbed his toothbrush. He proceeded to cleanse his mouth for ten minutes, before stripping and scrubbing his whole body so hard that his skin turned red.
Finally, Harry gave up and put his clothes back on, tears streaming down his cheeks. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pen knife, examining it from all angles before lowering it to his left wrist. Just as he was about to slice, he dropped the knife. It barely grazed his wrist before falling into the sink.
"I can't..." he whispered. "But I want to... But I can't..."
Before Harry knew what he was doing, he'd made it out of Gryffindor Tower. He didn't pay attention to where he was going; he just went where his instincts told him to.
He ended up in front of the portrait to Snape's quarters.
Taking a breath, he said the password, and the door opened. Harry slowly made his way inside, praying to Merlin that Snape was awake. His prayers were answered when he found the professor in a chair, reading a book. The older wizard looked up when he heard Harry's crutches on the floor.
"Harry? Are you all right?" Snape asked, concerned. Harry hung his head, slowly shaking it from side to side. "Come in, sit down." Harry made his way to the couch. "What happened to you?"
"I had a nightmare," Harry whispered, staring at his hands. "I woke up and felt so dirty... Got sick... Tried to wash the dirtiness off... Tried to cut, but I couldn't..." He held his wrist out, revealing a few drops of blood that were seeping out of the tiny cut. "The knife fell... I couldn't do it..." He wiped his eyes. "I wonder... I wonder how blood, something so pure and clean and beautiful... How can it be inside something so disgusting and dirty like me?"
"Harry," Snape said, softly. "Harry, can you tell me about your nightmare?" Harry shook his head, his emerald eyes bright with tears.
"Please, don't make me talk about it," he pleaded. "It hurts to remember... I don't want to remember anymore..."
"The memories don't last forever, Harry," Snape assured him, sitting next to him on the couch. "Given time, they fade away." He gently touched Harry's arm, but the boy pulled away.
"Please, don't touch me," he whispered. Snape moved over to put a little more space between them.
"All right, but I'm going to tell you again that I won't hurt you," the older man said. "I don't care how long it takes to get you to believe me and to trust me. I want to help you." Harry nodded.
"I know, I just...don't want anyone touching me." He stood up with his crutches. "I should go back to my tower. I'm sorry I bothered you..."
"You didn't bother me, Harry," Snape insisted. "You're welcome here anytime you need anything."
Harry went back up to Gryffindor Tower and into the third-year boys' dorm. Once there, he sat on the floor by the window and stared outside. After a few moments, a black bird came to the window. It had a piece of parchment attached to its leg, with Harry's name on it. Harry let the bird in, untied the parchment, and gave the bird a pat on its head. Then he opened the letter.
Harry,
He knows. I'm scared, I can't sleep.
I can't go to Hogsmeade tomorrow. Are you going? If you're staying, could we hang out or something? Everyone in Slytherin is going (except for Pansy, but I don't like her), and you're my only real friend besides some of them. Send an answer back with my bird.
Draco
Harry turned the parchment over and grabbed his quill, then wrote a reply.
Draco,
Everything will be fine, I'm sure. Snape and Dumbledore and everyone, they wouldn't let anything happen.
No, I'm not going to Hogsmeade. I'm not allowed until my leg's healed because of all the people there. While everyone else is gone, I'll tell you about an...incident I had tonight. I can't sleep anymore, either.
Don't be scared. Everything will be all right. Take care, and I'll see you tomorrow.
Harry
He tied the letter back to the bird's foot, patted its head again, and sent it on its way. Then he just continued to stare out the window for the rest of the night.
~~~
Saturday, September 18, 1993
"So what happened last night?" Draco asked Harry the next afternoon at lunch. The twenty or so people who hadn't gone to Hogsmeade (plus the first- and second-years) were eating lunch in the Great Hall, as were a couple of teachers, including Snape and Lupin.
"I had a nightmare," Harry mumbled, tiredly. "Woke up around midnight, felt dirty... Tried to wash the memories off, the reminders, but I could still feel it... I wanted to cut, I tried, but I couldn't... I started walking and suddenly I just found myself in front of Snape's quarters. Told him what happened, he said a few things, and I left. Then I got your message, wrote back, and stayed up the rest of the night."
"You didn't sleep at all after that?" Draco asked, his eyebrows raised. Harry shook his head.
"Draco, baby!" Pansy called from the Slytherin table. "What are you doing over there with Potter?" The Great Hall became noticeably quieter as the remaining students watched the scene. Draco ignored her, so she continued. "Hey, Potter! You know, it's really sad that you have to resort to screwing your Muggle relatives because you can't get a girlfriend!" Everyone in the Hall gasped at that, but Harry didn't say anything. What really surprised everyone, however, was that Draco did.
"Bloody hell, Pansy!" Draco shouted, standing up and slamming his hands down on the table. "You're pathetic if you have to resort to tormenting Harry about situations that he couldn't control. Are you even human? If I didn't know first-hand the kinds of things Harry went through, then I'd say you're worse than those bloody Muggles!"
"Draco, stop," Harry whispered, loudly. "It's okay. It's not worth it." I'm not worth it...
"But--" Draco started. He stopped when he saw the look in Harry's eyes as the boy stood up with his crutches.
"It's okay," Harry repeated as he headed for the doors. Draco gave Pansy one last glare.
"This isn't over," he warned her. "I have plenty more to say to you." With that, he looked over at Snape and gave him a look that said 'follow,' then went after Harry.
"Harry?" Draco called after he passed through the doors and didn't see Harry. He looked around, frantically. "Damn it, Harry, where are you?" Snape came up next to Draco, who looked like he was going to panic. "I don't know where he went!"
"Draco, do you think he might try something?" Snape asked, more than a little worried.
"I-I saw this...this dead look in his eyes," Draco told him, quietly. "There was no emotion in them at all... Yeah, I think he might."
"All right," Snape said, taking a breath. "I'm going to check Gryffindor Tower. You go back and tell Professor Lupin what's going on. Do whatever he tells you to do." Snape then ran as fast as he could up to Gryffindor Tower, keeping an eye out for Harry on the way.
"Bertie Botts," Snape said when he came to the Fat Lady portrait. The door opened, and Snape ran into the common room, calling for Harry. "Harry, are you in here?"
Snape made his way throughout the whole dorm, but Harry was nowhere to be found. So the professor went back out to the Fat Lady.
"Has young Mr. Potter come this way?" he asked her.
"No, I'm sorry, I haven't seen him," the Lady apologized.
"If you see him, try to stall him, all right? It's very important." The Lady agreed.
~~~
"Have you found him?" Draco asked, worried, an hour later. Snape shook his head as Lupin came up to them.
"I've looked everywhere I can think of," Snape sighed, sitting at the table they were at. He placed his head in his hands. "Everywhere I'd go, everywhere I have gone... He's nowhere to be found. None of the ghosts have seen him. Peeves claims he has, but he won't say anything. None of the portraits have seen him..."
"I contacted Minerva in Hogsmeade," Lupin told Snape. "She's bringing the Weasley twins back, and if I'm not mistaken, they have something that will help us find Harry."
Within half an hour, McGonagall and Fred and George Weasley came into the Great Hall. The Weasleys looked at Lupin and Snape innocently.
"What did we do now?" they asked in unison.
"You haven't done anything," Lupin assured them. "We haven't been able to find Harry for the past hour and a half, and we have reason to believe that he may hurt himself, though you are not to tell anyone else that. I believe the two of you have something that will tell us where, exactly, Harry is on Hogwarts grounds."
Eyes wide, George reached into his robes and pulled out a blank piece of parchment. Lupin took it from him and placed it on the table.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he said, quietly, as he tapped the parchment with his wand. Immediately a map appeared, and a title at the top of the parchment read:
Mssrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs
Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers
are proud to present
THE MARAUDER'S MAP
The map showed every detail of the castle and its grounds. Tiny ink dots were moving around the map, each labeled with a name.
"How did you know--" Fred started.
"Simple," Lupin replied. "I helped make it." He tapped the parchment again. "Show me Harry Potter." Another dot appeared, this one larger than the others, and it was labeled 'Harry Potter.' "He's in the secret passage leading to the Honeydukes cellar."
"He's not going into Hogsmeade, is he?" Snape asked.
"No, it looks like he isn't moving anywhere." Lupin looked at Fred and George. "Thank you, and I'm going to have to keep this, at least for a while. Severus, Draco, come with me."
Snape and Draco followed Lupin to passageway behind a statue of a hump-backed, one-eyed witch in a third-floor corridor. Lupin tapped the statue with his wand and spoke the word 'dissendium,' and the three entered the passage, finding it to be pitch black.
"Lumos," Lupin muttered, holding out his wand. The hall lit up a little, and Snape did the same as Lupin, so that they would be able to see better.
After a series of twists and turns, Draco spotted a small figure huddled in the shadows of a corner.
"Harry?" he said, softly.
The figure lifted its head, and in the light, they could all tell that it was Harry. He was leaning back against the wall, staring at an object in his hands. His face was stained with tears, and his eyes were red.
"Harry, we've been looking for you for almost two hours," Draco told him, gently, as he knelt down in front of him.
"Has it been that long?" Harry asked in a weak voice. Draco nodded his head.
"The look in your eyes when you left... I was scared you were going to do something." Harry didn't reply right away.
Finally, he swallowed hard and said, "You're too late..."
With that, he slumped over, unconscious, his head landing against Draco's shoulder. The object, a knife, fell to the ground. Draco lit his own wand and brought it close to Harry, whose robes were bloodsoaked. Lifting Harry's sleeves back, Draco whimpered a little.
"Oh, Merlin..."
Harry's wrists were cut up so badly that it looked like there was hardly any skin left. A severe amount of blood was spouting from the slashes. Draco hugged his friend tightly, letting a few tears escape from his eyes.
"He's so cold," Draco whispered. "Why is he so cold?"
"Draco," Snape said, softly, as he knelt down next to the two boys. Lupin did the same. "Draco, let go of him. I'm going to heal his wrists as best I can, and then we're going to take him to Madam Pomfrey. But first you have to let go."
Reluctantly, Draco let go and allowed Lupin to embrace him. Snape made Harry lay flat on the ground, with his head in the professor's lap. Then Snape wrapped his hands around Harry's wrists, whispering foreign words. It took a moment or two, but several of the wounds sealed.
"He's lost a lot of blood," Snape said, quietly. "I healed a lot of the cuts, but there are more that are still bleeding." He lifted Harry up, cradling him protectively in his arms, and began to run for the entrance they came in. He called back to Lupin and Draco as they followed him. "His breathing is shallow, and I can barely feel a pulse. If we don't get him to Poppy soon, we're going to lose him."
~~~
At dinner that night, after everyone returned to Hogwarts, Dumbledore, Snape, Lupin, and McGonagall were all missing from the High Table. Ron and Hermione wondered what was going on, since Harry was missing, too, as was Draco.
As Ron and Hermione were finishing their supper, Professor Lupin came to the table. His expression was solemn, and the two teenagers immediately became worried.
"The two of you need to come to the hospital wing," Lupin said, softly. "Harry has been having some...problems, problems that you don't know about. We've decided it's time to stop hiding it from you. Are you finished with your dinner? Come with me, then."
Lupin led Hermione and Ron upstairs, where they found Harry unconscious on a bed in the hospital wing. Thick bandages were wrapped around his wrists, and his arms and legs were restrained to the bed. His skin was deathly pale. Draco sat in a chair next to Harry, just staring at him. The teachers who'd been missing from dinner were also in the room.
"What's going on?" Hermione asked, slowly, as she glanced up at Lupin. Tears were welling up in her eyes.
"Since we found out about Harry's problems at home," Snape explained, softly, "we've known that he's had suicidal tendencies. This afternoon, he was...provoked, and he disappeared for nearly two hours. Professor Lupin, Draco, and I found him in a secret passage to Hogsmeade."
"He slit his wrists," Draco murmured. "Real bad... He passed out right after we found him."
"Professor Snape healed as many of the cuts as he could," Lupin continued. "But Harry had lost a lot of blood. We nearly lost him on the way up here." Ron hugged Hermione tightly as she began to cry. He even let out a few tears, himself.
"Will he be all right?" Ron asked.
"There's no way to tell," Madam Pomfrey replied. "If he makes it through the night, then there's a good chance that he'll wake up. When he wakes up, whether or not he's all right depends on how well he cooperates with us, and how much he wants to live. I'm afraid that at the moment, he doesn't have much of a will to live."
"Damn it, Harry, when you wake up, I'll bloody well kill you myself," Draco whispered.
"Tell only who you must," Lupin requested of Ron and Hermione, who agreed. "You can stay for a few moments, but then you should go back to your tower. That goes for you, as well, Draco."
"Why do we have to go?" Hermione asked, sniffling. "We won't sleep tonight, either way."
"Headmaster Dumbledore's orders," Lupin explained, apologetically. "Rest assured, there will be someone in here with him at every moment. If there's any change, or if he wakes up, someone will tell you as soon as possible."
~~~
Tuesday, September 21, 1993
Ron, Hermione, and Draco were excused from their classes for the next several days, and of course, they spent every possible moment in the hospital wing. Harry had made it through the first night, but there was no significant change in his condition until Tuesday afternoon.
"How are you doing, Draco?" Hermione asked when she and Ron came into the hospital wing. As usual, Draco was sitting in the chair by Harry's bed, watching him 'sleep.'
"Decent," Draco replied. "I think he might wake up today."
"Really?" Ron said. "What makes you think that?"
"He's been moving his hands a little," Draco explained.
Hermione stood next to the bed, reaching down to touch Harry's face. He seemed to sense her touch, because he let out a kind of sigh. He had a content look on his face.
"I hope you're right," Hermione said, softly.
She reached over to the bedside table and picked up the crosswords book that she'd given Harry during his last stay in the hospital wing. This was now a kind of ritual as the three waited for Harry to wake up. They'd meet up in the infirmary and do crossword puzzles (some with Muggle clues, and some with Wizard clues), hoping that Harry would suddenly chime in with an answer. Today they did a Wizard puzzle, so that Hermione wouldn't be the only one to know the answers, although Ron joked that she'd still be the only one to know the answers.
"Look at this, Harry's even in a crossword puzzle." Hermione laughed a little as she reach the clue to the boys. "Seven-down, The Boy Who Lived. Harry Potter." The answer appeared in the blocks on the page.
"Forty-eight-across," Ron read. "Dark Wizard defeated by Albus Dumbledore in 1945. Grindelwald."
"Seventeen-down, Famous Alchemist," Draco read. The three thought for a moment.
"Nicolas Flamel."
The voice was weak, but it was audible. The three turned to look at Harry, whose eyes were barely open, and just stared at him. Then Draco, Hermione, and Ron exchanged glances.
"So who wants to kill him first?" Draco asked, grinning.
"How long have you been awake, Harry?" Hermione wondered, touching his hand.
"A few minutes, maybe..." Harry mumbled. He looked at Ron and Hermione. "They told you?"
"Yes, they told us, and as soon as you get better and get out of here, we're all going to take turns beating the bloody hell out of you. That way, you'll know the consequences if you ever scare us like that again." Ron's face turned from serious to smiling. "It's good to have you back, mate." Harry frowned, discovering the restraints on his arms and legs.
"For your own safety," Draco told him.
"How long have I been out?"
"Since Saturday, and today is Tuesday," Hermione told him.
"Have I missed much?" Harry wondered.
"My father is going to Azkaban," Draco offered, smiling. "Since he used the Cruciatus Curse on me... I also found out that, since my father was Voldemort's 'right-hand man,' he'd been planning on making me Voldemort's personal whore. You saved me, Harry. You told them just in the nick of time." Harry smiled back, weakly.
"How are you feeling?" Hermione asked, brushing Harry's hair from his face with her fingers.
"All right..." Harry murmured. He looked at his friends. "I'm sorry... I didn't plan on it being that bad; I only wanted to cut a little... Just enough so there was pain... I didn't realize until it was too late... I'm sorry..."
"Don't apologize," Draco said, softly. He stood up. "Professor Snape asked me to tell him when you woke up. I'll go tell him now, and I'll be back in a few minutes."
Harry nodded, and Draco headed down to Snape's classroom, where the professor was teaching his fourth-year Potions class. Snape was examining someone's potion when Draco arrived, so the boy stood quietly in the doorway.
"Professor Snape, Draco Malfoy is here," said a student, suddenly. Snape looked towards the door and quickly made his way over to the boy.
"He's awake, sir," Draco told him. "He talking and says he's feeling fine. He's not too happy with the restraints, though."
"Of course he isn't," Snape said. "I wasn't either... I'll be by to see him after all my classes. Make sure Madam Pomfrey knows that he's awake."