Holding - part 4
By Henra
HjMcgi@cryingmail.com
PG rated
Finally, eh? Haha…part four's here.
The usual disclaimers. I'm not making money off of this. But this fic
does belong to me.
She confused him.
He loved her.
He didn't know her.
He hated her.
…
He lied.
Part four
Mamoru stood outside of Usagi's door, thunderstruck.
And she'd stabbed him once more.
Now he realized sadly what he had been afraid he was risking--
his already weakened heart.
His anger rose after he got over his shock. What the HELL just
happened? Did he just see a man HURTING Usagi? And did Usagi really
slap him--Mamoru touched the spot on his cheek where she had struck--
and kick him out of her house?
He winced. It still burned.
He stared at the front door, willing his eyes to penetrate it.
What was Usagi doing at this moment? Maybe she was regretting what
she had done…maybe she was feeling guilty…?
No…he shook away that thought. He didn't care about Usagi. Why
would he? Why SHOULD he? She had ripped his heart out once before,
and now she had mercilessly stomped on it. And what was the reason
for that? He had been trying to PROTECT her, god dammit!
He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, and decided to let
himself calm down, before anything else. What was wrong with Usagi?
He knew she was unpredictable…but this? It was simply too
incredulous.
He kicked up a whirl of dirt, thinking deeply as he walked the
route home. He couldn't be emotional right now. He had to think this
through, long and hard, even if it killed him.
So Usagi had a troubled family life. The way she'd looked when
he first walked in…tears staining her perfect face… His heart
unconsciously wrenched.
He sighed. It wasn't like he had that much of a family either--
only an aunt and uncle who lived on the other side of Earth. But at
least he didn't get…beat up. He shuddered, an image of the bearded
man holding Usagi by the neck zooming across his mind.
Maybe "beat up" was too strong a word, he corrected himself,
turning at the block.
After all, he didn't actually SEE the man hit her, only
scream at her with filthy words. Some parents DO that, he reminded
himself. But it still was a pain for him to realize that Usagi
didn't have it so simple.
But…what if that man--whom Usagi said was her stepfather--really
did abuse her? Mamoru frowned, stopping in his tracks. Then he had to
report this--after he cracked the man's head open, of course. Mamoru
grunted, his fists already curled at his sides.
No, no…his head warned him, no feelings involved, remember?
He understood that why Usagi had been hysterical--hell, her
stepfather was basically choking her…yet he couldn't figure out why
she had been so damn aggressive toward him. He didn't like blowing
things out of proportions, but shit, he had essentially saved her
life.
Or maybe his own emotions masked his eyes, causing him to not
see things for the way they were. He pondered that thought, and then
sighed.
This was too complicated. He was getting a headache.
He hurried his feet.
Mamoru washed the dishes distractedly; his mind, once again,
was on the girl who'd changed his life the moment she appeared. He
closed his eyes momentarily and imagined her face smiling at him.
His heart thumped peacefully against his chest; a smile grazed his
lips. Then reality broke in; a flashback of Usagi staring at him
with contempt in her eyes destroyed his perfect image of her.
He turned off the water faucet, too tired to finish his task.
He dragged his feet across the kitchen floor and into the bedroom,
wanting to fall into bed. He wasn't going to have any Usagi-related
thoughts tonight. He'd had enough of her for one day; he needed a
break.
He dumped himself on top of the sheets, his eyelids already
shut.
Ten minutes later, his eyes opened again.
He was suddenly so thirsty. His eyes darted around him, his
body resisting the fact that he actually had to MOVE to get a glass
of water.
It was times like this that he wished he didn't live alone.
A smile cracked his face. Then he'd only need to holler, and water
would be on its way without him ever having to budge.
He was used to the silence and loneliness…but hell, what he
wouldn't give to have this place filled with light, laughter…
happiness. Not that he wasn't happy right now in it, of course--he
was. It wasn't everyday one came across a teenage boy who had a nice
place of his own, where he could have all the damn freedom in the
world.
He turned over, twisting the sheets, his stomach against the
fabric. But sometimes, just sometimes…he wished he had someone to
kiss good morning to, someone who could take care of him at times
like this, someone who was…there. THERE, no matter what happened in
his life.
He rolled his eyes, and snorted. Wishful thinking. Where was
he supposed to get a person like that? People didn't just drop out
of skies.
The phone rang, startling him out of his thoughts.
He raised his hand and reached across to the small table next
to his bed. He picked up the cordless and placed it next to his ear.
"Hello?" He murmured, his eyelids shut again.
There was a small pause before someone replied, "Mamoru?"
His eyes shot open instantly and he sat up, amazingly alert.
"Yes…?"
Usagi's voice reached his ears--sweet, thoughtful, soft…
miraculously soft. "Mamoru, I…I'd like to apologize for what I did
today."
He straightened up further, fighting the impulse to pinch
himself. He had to be dreaming. Usagi couldn't be seriously be on
the phone AND offering an apology. "Usagi, you--"
"You…you saved me today, one way or another. I just…I'm just
not used to people doing that. And I overreacted a bit. I'm sorry."
He couldn't help but raise his eyebrows. "Usagi, I'd hardly
call slapping me overreacting 'a bit'."
He heard her let out a small sigh. "Mamoru…I do not like to
apologize. And when I do, it's because I truly feel bad about what
I've done. I hope you won't hold this against me." Usagi was calm as
she said the words slowly. "And… please don't tell what you've seen
today to anybody."
Mamoru blinked in surprise. "Why not?"
"Just don't, okay? It's my private life, and I don't want to
have a bunch of people sticking their noses in where they don't
belong."
"I get the hint, Usagi," he replied shortly. He was prepared to
hang up; exhaustion and exasperation on his shoulders at the same
time wasn't something he treasured. "Since you obviously have
something better to do, let's say goodbye, shall we?"
"Mamoru--" The word was rushed out. "I…I'd like to go out for
a walk. The house is a bit suffocating. Would you accompany me?"
A yawn escaped his mouth before he could stop it.
"Oh, you're tired. Then I'll see you la--"
"No! " He rubbed his eyes, willing away his sleepiness. "I'm
bored anyway," he lied. "I'll go."
"I'm leaving for the park the second we hang up. I'll see you
there…under our tree."
Before he could even open his mouth to verify, the other end
clicked off. He stared at the cordless in his hand for a full minute,
and finally smiled, at her confidence and at his foolishness.
He'd never changed so fast in his life.
Mamoru arrived at the park, just a tad out of breath. The night
was especially dark, and he squinted his eyes until he spotted Usagi's
slim form, slouched against the tree.
Their tree, Usagi had said. It brought a quick grin to his face.
The cool air swept his cheeks as he trotted over to her, keeping
on a casual expression.
Usagi's blue eyes looked up as he approached, and the corners
of her lips lifted slowly. "Hi."
"Hey." He gazed at her, captivated by the innocence she
possessed. Her hair was put up into two weird buns, with golden
streams flowing down to her waist. There was no trace of makeup on
her face, except for a glossy pink reflected on her lips. She stared
at him with wide blue eyes; eyes that mesmerized him, made him love
her like he did.
"I don't think I've thanked you. For what you did today."
He lifted an eyebrow as a smile made its way across his
features. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden?"
She narrowed her eyes amusedly. "What do you mean?"
"You called me--purely on your own, you apologized--for the very
first time, and you just thanked me…for something that you first
slapped me for." He came to stand next to her, and placed an elbow
against the tree trunk to support himself. "I don't believe I've
ever met this Usagi before."
She rolled her eyes, her lips now stretched into a lovely grin.
"Don't exaggerate, Mamoru. I don't like to show sentimentality."
"Why not?"
She laughed, turning to him with a glint in her eyes. "You ask
such ridiculous questions. Why do you have to have a reason to
everything?"
He contemplated her words, and then shrugged his shoulders. "I
always did like to understand everything. And I have ways of figuring
things out…except in the case of Tsukino Usagi."
"Oh?"
"Come on, Usagi…I've known you for almost two months--one of
which I spent almost everyday with you, yet I still have absolute no
idea what you are about." He moistened his dry lips. "I want to get
to know you more, but the moment I open a door, you immediately slam
it shut and lock it."
"Nice analogy, Mamoru--couldn't have done it better myself." She
winked at him.
"Usagi, I am serious."
She sighed. "Why does that disturb you so? Doesn't a little
mystery excite you?" She asked suggestively, leaning closer to him.
"Why does it bother you so much that I want to be closer to
you?" He replied, ignoring her question, and took his elbow off the
tree, to face her directly. "It's almost as if you're afraid."
She laughed right out loud. "That is the most absurd thing I've
ever heard! And believe me, I've heard a lot of strange things--but
THIS…is unbelievable." She quieted down, noting the serious look in
his eyes.
"I've hit right on target, haven't I." he remarked in a soft
voice, consciousness sinking in.
"You know what--before we get any further with your
self-proclaimed 'understanding' of me, I'm going to leave." She
turned her heels, emitting a soft scent of baby powder as she spun
away from him.
"Usako…" he called out, sighing in exasperation.
Amazingly, she stopped. She wheeled around, staring up at him
with widened eyes. "What?"
He was confused by the look on her face. Did he say something
wrong? All he did was call out her name… His mind reared, skimming
through windows of memory.
And then, he blanched. Usako. No, no, no! How the hell could
he have let that slip?
"Mamoru?"
His gaze faltered. "Uh--what?"
She stared up at him, an unreadable gaze in her blue eyes.
"Usako…" she murmured softly, a sad smile growing on her face.
"That's…"
Immediately, he interrupted, panic rising in his chest. "Don't
read into it. It's just--"
"Your pet name for me." She stepped closer to him, the small
smile now blooming into a grin.
Seeing her soft expression, he relaxed. But the beads of sweat
on his back stubbornly stayed on his back. "I didn't mean for it to
slip out." He stuck his hands into his pockets, and gave her a
lopsided smile, hoping against hope…
"I have a name for you too," she said gently. "It's Mamo-chan…
I always liked the thought of calling you that…but just never got
the chance." She paused, her gaze shifted to the ground. "Or the
guts."
He gaped at her, so incredibly shocked, his throat closed up.
She never failed to astonish him.
Kami, he loved her.
Even after all this…after all that painful separation, he
still loved her. And he always would, he realized, no matter what.
The newfound comprehension caused a warmness to well up inside him,
and he found himself wanting to kiss her.
His mouth opened to say something, but then he realized that
it was as dry as sand, and swallowed visibly. "U--" He cleared his
throat noisily, disturbing the tenderness he was feeling. "Usagi…"
he stared into her eyes, and smiled. "Or should I start calling
you Usako?"
She laughed. "Only if you let me call you Mamo-chan."
He shook his head, rubbing a hand in his face. "Compromising
works." He flashed her a huge grin, the happiness he was experiencing
inside now bubbling to the surface.
She giggled, her eyes shining up at him.
His heart flipped. She looked so innocent. So incredibly pure…
This was who she was. THIS was how she should be like, everyday.
His mind clicked. That was what had bothered him about her--the
character she presented to the world wasn't authentic. Wasn't the
real her. His instincts had been right.
He realized now, that she had a face that deserved…happiness.
Happy. Yes, happy. She deserved to be the happiest girl in the world.
And he wanted to be the one to make her feel that way.
He cleared his throat. And she was now making him think corny
thoughts. He cracked a smile over his dry lips.
He suddenly had the urge to tell her he loved her, over and over
again, that he didn't care why or how they got separated…he just
wanted to be with her once more. That, as long as she was happy, he'd
do anything…be it the moon, or the stars…or--or…
No. Of course, that was wrong.
And his rambling thoughts came to a screeching halt.
Hell, his conscience knew better than that. If he did that, he
was just asking for heartbreak. His shoulders sank. This was the first
time that he had ever truly loved…and he wasn't able to tell the girl
he loved what he felt. Again.
His heart still squeezed agonizingly whenever he thought of that
day…that fateful day here, at the same place, where he had first told
her.
And he remembered how she had cruelly rejected him.
…
How the world darkened so rapidly.
"Mamo-chan?" Usagi called out hesitantly, seeing that he wasn't
looking at her anymore…more like looking through her. Her eyes, two
pools of ocean blue, searched his uncertainly; he felt like she was
probing his mind.
"Let's not talk about this anymore." He noticed the hardness
in his voice, and he knew Usagi did, too. He was thankful that she
decided not to confront it.
Instead, she nodded quietly in agreement.
"Usako, does he always do that? Your stepdad, I mean?" The
words burst out of his mouth before he could think twice.
She gazed up at him for a few surprised seconds, then turned
her eyes away, and began to walk, the streetlamp's light shining on
her hair.
He watched her back, contemplating what to do.
Detecting Mamoru's hesitation, Usagi came to a standstill.
"Mamo-chan…my personal life is really none of your business." Her
voice was flat and calm.
He stared at her slim form, knowing he was a step away from
pushing her to flat-out anger. "Usako…I'm worried, okay? I've
thought of you ever since I came back from your house. I KNOW we're
not together anymore, and I probably don't have any reason to be
asking you this--"
"That's right. You don't." She interrupted rudely, obviously
wanting to end this conversation.
"Usagi, be reasonable here. You haven't gone to school for
three straight days." He tried hard to maintain an even tone, and
stared at her openly. "Obviously, you'll need to clear that up with
the school. And judging from what I saw today--" He struggled to not
dwell on the fact that he saw a fleeting look of guilt across her
face, "I don't exactly think that you have parents who can bail you
out."
"Get to the point, Mamoru."
"If you'll tell me just what the hell is going on in your
life--I might be able to help you."
She snorted. "You? Help me? Please."
Exasperated beyond belief, he threw up his hands and rolled
his eyes. "Fine, have it your way, Usagi." His expression turned to
one of sorrow, and he walked to her, closing the space between them.
"You don't trust me. And you never will. I get that now." Gazing into
her soft blue eyes, he brushed a quick hand over her cheek, surprising
her. "I don't think I'm quite bored anymore…I'm going home." He
lingered for a few seconds, and watched her face carefully. Realizing
that she wasn't going to reply, he shook his head and started to leave.
"Mamo-chan."
He froze in position. A small part of him rejoiced. Somehow he'd
known that she wouldn't let him go so simply. He slowly turned around,
retaining his nonchalant expression.
"Don't do this. You're the one person that--that I've actually
gotten close to here. I want you to always think of me as this crazy
blond girl who has a 'mysterious' side to her…" She smiled softly,
gazing at him with a tender light in her eyes.
"What if I want to know more about this girl, so that I can be
a part of her 'mysterious' life?" He asked softly.
She lowered her eyes, biting her bottom lip.
A moment later, she walked to him, a gentle smile on her face.
"How about we take a walk first?"
He stared at her, loving the way she was looking at him.
"Sure."
They walked abreast on the stone path, silence between them.
His palms were sweaty in his pockets, and he glanced at her now
and then, wondering what went on in her mind. She seemed unsettled,
her lips in a small pout and her eyes focused on the ground. His ears
picked up on the sound of a squirrel rustling in the trees, and he
looked up instinctively, his eyes hunting in the darkness.
He thought he saw her smile.
"I wish we could do this everyday, Mamo-chan." Usagi spoke in a
hushed tone, turning to him with a sparkle in her eyes. "Just the two
of us…walking freely in the park." A light laugh escaped her mouth.
"It almost sounds like a movie title!"
He laughed with her, unable to come up with any decent reply.
They continued along the path, the sound of crickets the only
noise in the darkness.
"My stepdad's name is Satzuki." Her voice broke the silence,
just barely.
He turned to her, surprised.
She gave him a small smile, understanding in her eyes. "He
doesn't do those things…on purpose. He can't control it sometimes.
He's a real sweet guy really--he was there to comfort my mom when my
father disappeared."
"Disappeared?" Mamoru echoed.
She nodded. "I was just nine." Bitter memories came back to
her, and she wrapped both her arms around herself, seeking comfort.
"My dad never came home that day. The police declared him dead a few
years later. Mom never got over it. She was like a total stranger…I
didn't know who she was at all. She wasn't my mom--just this woman who
lived with me."
Mamoru considered reaching for her hand, but denied the thought,
not wanting to take any chances. He stayed silent and let Usagi
continue.
"And then he--Satzuki came, and suddenly my mom was the old her
again." Usagi pulled away a piece of hair that was stuck on her cold
cheek. "They got married, and…I'd thought everything would be the same
again." She laughed then, a sour sound that chilled him.
She flipped a pigtail to her back, and glanced at him, her eyes
exploring his intensely. "But of course, I was just kidding myself."
She looked away, narrowing her eyes. "We found out not long afterwards
that he's manic-depressive."
"Manic what?" He couldn't help but interject, confused.
She smirked at him. "Of course you wouldn't know about it…you
have the perfect life."
He was about to cut in to protest, but she went on before
sentences could form at his mouth. She shook her head, rolling her
eyes. "I CAN explain all that crap about this illness, but I'm not.
In short, it's something that causes one to have mood swings, ranging
from being manic to depressed…"
"But why would he…do that to you?"
"He abuses drugs and alcohol, and he takes out his anger on any
and everything in sight." She ended her sentence abruptly.
He exhaled largely. "So it's something he has. I thought he
was…"
"Crazy."
Mamoru watched Usagi closely, stopping himself from uttering
further words.
"He IS crazy." There was slight hatred in her eyes. "And it's
because of this, my mom and my brother always get hurt…" Her voice
cracked, and there was obvious pain on her features.
Too surprised to do anything else, he stared at her dully.
This had to be the first time that she had shown any signs of
vulnerability. He had no idea that it was even possible for her
to feel vulnerable.
She wiped at her face--if there had been a tear there, it was
gone even before he could blink. "You look shocked, Mamoru--what did
you expect to hear?"
He tightened his eyes, a chill running through him. "Nothing
like this."
She laughed, lifting her head to welcome the wind as it blew
against her flushed face. "Well, now you know. You know what kind of
ugly life I lead."
He shook his head, looking at her firmly. "You know that this
isn't your fault, right?"
She didn't reply.
They strolled forward for another silent minute.
He debated what to say, enjoying the feel of her warmth beside
him. "Where were your mother and brother today?" He asked suddenly,
curious.
"Shingo's never home." she answered, "He's a tough kid--I never
have to worry about him. Which is good, since I have more than my
share of worrying." She stopped to fix her messy hair.
"And your mom?"
She glanced at him, irritation in her eyes. "What business is
it of yours?"
"Usako, I'm just trying to--"
"My mom is in the hospital, Mamoru, okay?" Usagi snapped, her
voice higher than usual, "She was BEATEN by her own husband, she has
bruises all OVER her body, and so now she's lying in the HOSPITAL.
Is that what you wanted to know? Are you SATISFIED now?" And then,
before he knew it, she broke down, her face crumbling right before
him. Tears poured down her cheeks as she started to sob
uncontrollably, her body shaking all over.
"Usako…" He recovered quickly from his shock and murmured her
name painfully, not quite know what to act. Then, without thinking,
he pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her tightly, then
planted a small kiss on her head. "I'm sorry…so sorry…"
He felt her hug him close, and he closed his eyes, wincing at
the sound of her soft cries. He wanted to do more, to wipe away her
pain, if only temporarily--but he knew there was little he could do.
Therefore, he simply held her.
Her sobs turned to soft sniffles, then stopped altogether.
He expected her to wrestle out of his arms, but he detected
no motion from her. She seemed to be content in his arms.
He loved the way her hair looked under the soft light, and he
especially loved that he could put his nose in it, and take in the
pleasant scent it offered. He wanted to stay this way forever…but…
This moment was just that--a single moment, and he knew that things
were going to complicate, and then…he could never quite grasp a
moment like this ever again. He sighed silently as he closed his
eyes, wandering why things could never be simple for him and the
girl he loved.
After a while, he felt her shift in his embrace. "Usako…?"
She lifted her head out of his chest, and stared up at him,
greeting him with a flushed smile. "My dad used to call me that…"
Her smile widened into a grin. "That's why I was so surprised when
you said Usako for the first time."
"Oh…" He smiled back. "I could stop…"
"No!" She shook her head firmly. "I like the way it sounds
coming from your lips." Then she lowered her eyes, a blush over
her cheeks.
He resisted the urge to kiss her right then and there.
She lifted her chin, locking gaze with him. And that was
exactly when they both became aware of how close they were. For a
moment, no one moved. Mamoru's pulse quickened unconsciously, and
he suddenly began to sweat, his breaths coming quick. "Usako,
maybe we should go--"
"Mamo-chan." She whispered his name, and he froze.
Her enormous blue eyes hypnotized him, and he knew he never
wanted to look away. "Yes?"
She inched her face closer to his, making him dizzy as he
stared at her. She opened her mouth, and the numbers of sweat
beads on his back amplified. He strained his ears to hear the soft
words she uttered. "Be mine…once more?"
And before he could realize the full meaning of her words,
her eyes had closed, and she was moving ever closer. His eyelids
involuntarily shut, and suddenly, their lips met, igniting sparks
great enough to cause a fire.
* * *
All right, all right! So the last part was a bit…cheesy and totally
does not go with the overall mood of the story, but I didn't know
how else to write it. =D
Drop me a line, please.
By Henra
HjMcgi@cryingmail.com
PG rated
Finally, eh? Haha…part four's here.
The usual disclaimers. I'm not making money off of this. But this fic
does belong to me.
She confused him.
He loved her.
He didn't know her.
He hated her.
…
He lied.
Part four
Mamoru stood outside of Usagi's door, thunderstruck.
And she'd stabbed him once more.
Now he realized sadly what he had been afraid he was risking--
his already weakened heart.
His anger rose after he got over his shock. What the HELL just
happened? Did he just see a man HURTING Usagi? And did Usagi really
slap him--Mamoru touched the spot on his cheek where she had struck--
and kick him out of her house?
He winced. It still burned.
He stared at the front door, willing his eyes to penetrate it.
What was Usagi doing at this moment? Maybe she was regretting what
she had done…maybe she was feeling guilty…?
No…he shook away that thought. He didn't care about Usagi. Why
would he? Why SHOULD he? She had ripped his heart out once before,
and now she had mercilessly stomped on it. And what was the reason
for that? He had been trying to PROTECT her, god dammit!
He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, and decided to let
himself calm down, before anything else. What was wrong with Usagi?
He knew she was unpredictable…but this? It was simply too
incredulous.
He kicked up a whirl of dirt, thinking deeply as he walked the
route home. He couldn't be emotional right now. He had to think this
through, long and hard, even if it killed him.
So Usagi had a troubled family life. The way she'd looked when
he first walked in…tears staining her perfect face… His heart
unconsciously wrenched.
He sighed. It wasn't like he had that much of a family either--
only an aunt and uncle who lived on the other side of Earth. But at
least he didn't get…beat up. He shuddered, an image of the bearded
man holding Usagi by the neck zooming across his mind.
Maybe "beat up" was too strong a word, he corrected himself,
turning at the block.
After all, he didn't actually SEE the man hit her, only
scream at her with filthy words. Some parents DO that, he reminded
himself. But it still was a pain for him to realize that Usagi
didn't have it so simple.
But…what if that man--whom Usagi said was her stepfather--really
did abuse her? Mamoru frowned, stopping in his tracks. Then he had to
report this--after he cracked the man's head open, of course. Mamoru
grunted, his fists already curled at his sides.
No, no…his head warned him, no feelings involved, remember?
He understood that why Usagi had been hysterical--hell, her
stepfather was basically choking her…yet he couldn't figure out why
she had been so damn aggressive toward him. He didn't like blowing
things out of proportions, but shit, he had essentially saved her
life.
Or maybe his own emotions masked his eyes, causing him to not
see things for the way they were. He pondered that thought, and then
sighed.
This was too complicated. He was getting a headache.
He hurried his feet.
Mamoru washed the dishes distractedly; his mind, once again,
was on the girl who'd changed his life the moment she appeared. He
closed his eyes momentarily and imagined her face smiling at him.
His heart thumped peacefully against his chest; a smile grazed his
lips. Then reality broke in; a flashback of Usagi staring at him
with contempt in her eyes destroyed his perfect image of her.
He turned off the water faucet, too tired to finish his task.
He dragged his feet across the kitchen floor and into the bedroom,
wanting to fall into bed. He wasn't going to have any Usagi-related
thoughts tonight. He'd had enough of her for one day; he needed a
break.
He dumped himself on top of the sheets, his eyelids already
shut.
Ten minutes later, his eyes opened again.
He was suddenly so thirsty. His eyes darted around him, his
body resisting the fact that he actually had to MOVE to get a glass
of water.
It was times like this that he wished he didn't live alone.
A smile cracked his face. Then he'd only need to holler, and water
would be on its way without him ever having to budge.
He was used to the silence and loneliness…but hell, what he
wouldn't give to have this place filled with light, laughter…
happiness. Not that he wasn't happy right now in it, of course--he
was. It wasn't everyday one came across a teenage boy who had a nice
place of his own, where he could have all the damn freedom in the
world.
He turned over, twisting the sheets, his stomach against the
fabric. But sometimes, just sometimes…he wished he had someone to
kiss good morning to, someone who could take care of him at times
like this, someone who was…there. THERE, no matter what happened in
his life.
He rolled his eyes, and snorted. Wishful thinking. Where was
he supposed to get a person like that? People didn't just drop out
of skies.
The phone rang, startling him out of his thoughts.
He raised his hand and reached across to the small table next
to his bed. He picked up the cordless and placed it next to his ear.
"Hello?" He murmured, his eyelids shut again.
There was a small pause before someone replied, "Mamoru?"
His eyes shot open instantly and he sat up, amazingly alert.
"Yes…?"
Usagi's voice reached his ears--sweet, thoughtful, soft…
miraculously soft. "Mamoru, I…I'd like to apologize for what I did
today."
He straightened up further, fighting the impulse to pinch
himself. He had to be dreaming. Usagi couldn't be seriously be on
the phone AND offering an apology. "Usagi, you--"
"You…you saved me today, one way or another. I just…I'm just
not used to people doing that. And I overreacted a bit. I'm sorry."
He couldn't help but raise his eyebrows. "Usagi, I'd hardly
call slapping me overreacting 'a bit'."
He heard her let out a small sigh. "Mamoru…I do not like to
apologize. And when I do, it's because I truly feel bad about what
I've done. I hope you won't hold this against me." Usagi was calm as
she said the words slowly. "And… please don't tell what you've seen
today to anybody."
Mamoru blinked in surprise. "Why not?"
"Just don't, okay? It's my private life, and I don't want to
have a bunch of people sticking their noses in where they don't
belong."
"I get the hint, Usagi," he replied shortly. He was prepared to
hang up; exhaustion and exasperation on his shoulders at the same
time wasn't something he treasured. "Since you obviously have
something better to do, let's say goodbye, shall we?"
"Mamoru--" The word was rushed out. "I…I'd like to go out for
a walk. The house is a bit suffocating. Would you accompany me?"
A yawn escaped his mouth before he could stop it.
"Oh, you're tired. Then I'll see you la--"
"No! " He rubbed his eyes, willing away his sleepiness. "I'm
bored anyway," he lied. "I'll go."
"I'm leaving for the park the second we hang up. I'll see you
there…under our tree."
Before he could even open his mouth to verify, the other end
clicked off. He stared at the cordless in his hand for a full minute,
and finally smiled, at her confidence and at his foolishness.
He'd never changed so fast in his life.
Mamoru arrived at the park, just a tad out of breath. The night
was especially dark, and he squinted his eyes until he spotted Usagi's
slim form, slouched against the tree.
Their tree, Usagi had said. It brought a quick grin to his face.
The cool air swept his cheeks as he trotted over to her, keeping
on a casual expression.
Usagi's blue eyes looked up as he approached, and the corners
of her lips lifted slowly. "Hi."
"Hey." He gazed at her, captivated by the innocence she
possessed. Her hair was put up into two weird buns, with golden
streams flowing down to her waist. There was no trace of makeup on
her face, except for a glossy pink reflected on her lips. She stared
at him with wide blue eyes; eyes that mesmerized him, made him love
her like he did.
"I don't think I've thanked you. For what you did today."
He lifted an eyebrow as a smile made its way across his
features. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden?"
She narrowed her eyes amusedly. "What do you mean?"
"You called me--purely on your own, you apologized--for the very
first time, and you just thanked me…for something that you first
slapped me for." He came to stand next to her, and placed an elbow
against the tree trunk to support himself. "I don't believe I've
ever met this Usagi before."
She rolled her eyes, her lips now stretched into a lovely grin.
"Don't exaggerate, Mamoru. I don't like to show sentimentality."
"Why not?"
She laughed, turning to him with a glint in her eyes. "You ask
such ridiculous questions. Why do you have to have a reason to
everything?"
He contemplated her words, and then shrugged his shoulders. "I
always did like to understand everything. And I have ways of figuring
things out…except in the case of Tsukino Usagi."
"Oh?"
"Come on, Usagi…I've known you for almost two months--one of
which I spent almost everyday with you, yet I still have absolute no
idea what you are about." He moistened his dry lips. "I want to get
to know you more, but the moment I open a door, you immediately slam
it shut and lock it."
"Nice analogy, Mamoru--couldn't have done it better myself." She
winked at him.
"Usagi, I am serious."
She sighed. "Why does that disturb you so? Doesn't a little
mystery excite you?" She asked suggestively, leaning closer to him.
"Why does it bother you so much that I want to be closer to
you?" He replied, ignoring her question, and took his elbow off the
tree, to face her directly. "It's almost as if you're afraid."
She laughed right out loud. "That is the most absurd thing I've
ever heard! And believe me, I've heard a lot of strange things--but
THIS…is unbelievable." She quieted down, noting the serious look in
his eyes.
"I've hit right on target, haven't I." he remarked in a soft
voice, consciousness sinking in.
"You know what--before we get any further with your
self-proclaimed 'understanding' of me, I'm going to leave." She
turned her heels, emitting a soft scent of baby powder as she spun
away from him.
"Usako…" he called out, sighing in exasperation.
Amazingly, she stopped. She wheeled around, staring up at him
with widened eyes. "What?"
He was confused by the look on her face. Did he say something
wrong? All he did was call out her name… His mind reared, skimming
through windows of memory.
And then, he blanched. Usako. No, no, no! How the hell could
he have let that slip?
"Mamoru?"
His gaze faltered. "Uh--what?"
She stared up at him, an unreadable gaze in her blue eyes.
"Usako…" she murmured softly, a sad smile growing on her face.
"That's…"
Immediately, he interrupted, panic rising in his chest. "Don't
read into it. It's just--"
"Your pet name for me." She stepped closer to him, the small
smile now blooming into a grin.
Seeing her soft expression, he relaxed. But the beads of sweat
on his back stubbornly stayed on his back. "I didn't mean for it to
slip out." He stuck his hands into his pockets, and gave her a
lopsided smile, hoping against hope…
"I have a name for you too," she said gently. "It's Mamo-chan…
I always liked the thought of calling you that…but just never got
the chance." She paused, her gaze shifted to the ground. "Or the
guts."
He gaped at her, so incredibly shocked, his throat closed up.
She never failed to astonish him.
Kami, he loved her.
Even after all this…after all that painful separation, he
still loved her. And he always would, he realized, no matter what.
The newfound comprehension caused a warmness to well up inside him,
and he found himself wanting to kiss her.
His mouth opened to say something, but then he realized that
it was as dry as sand, and swallowed visibly. "U--" He cleared his
throat noisily, disturbing the tenderness he was feeling. "Usagi…"
he stared into her eyes, and smiled. "Or should I start calling
you Usako?"
She laughed. "Only if you let me call you Mamo-chan."
He shook his head, rubbing a hand in his face. "Compromising
works." He flashed her a huge grin, the happiness he was experiencing
inside now bubbling to the surface.
She giggled, her eyes shining up at him.
His heart flipped. She looked so innocent. So incredibly pure…
This was who she was. THIS was how she should be like, everyday.
His mind clicked. That was what had bothered him about her--the
character she presented to the world wasn't authentic. Wasn't the
real her. His instincts had been right.
He realized now, that she had a face that deserved…happiness.
Happy. Yes, happy. She deserved to be the happiest girl in the world.
And he wanted to be the one to make her feel that way.
He cleared his throat. And she was now making him think corny
thoughts. He cracked a smile over his dry lips.
He suddenly had the urge to tell her he loved her, over and over
again, that he didn't care why or how they got separated…he just
wanted to be with her once more. That, as long as she was happy, he'd
do anything…be it the moon, or the stars…or--or…
No. Of course, that was wrong.
And his rambling thoughts came to a screeching halt.
Hell, his conscience knew better than that. If he did that, he
was just asking for heartbreak. His shoulders sank. This was the first
time that he had ever truly loved…and he wasn't able to tell the girl
he loved what he felt. Again.
His heart still squeezed agonizingly whenever he thought of that
day…that fateful day here, at the same place, where he had first told
her.
And he remembered how she had cruelly rejected him.
…
How the world darkened so rapidly.
"Mamo-chan?" Usagi called out hesitantly, seeing that he wasn't
looking at her anymore…more like looking through her. Her eyes, two
pools of ocean blue, searched his uncertainly; he felt like she was
probing his mind.
"Let's not talk about this anymore." He noticed the hardness
in his voice, and he knew Usagi did, too. He was thankful that she
decided not to confront it.
Instead, she nodded quietly in agreement.
"Usako, does he always do that? Your stepdad, I mean?" The
words burst out of his mouth before he could think twice.
She gazed up at him for a few surprised seconds, then turned
her eyes away, and began to walk, the streetlamp's light shining on
her hair.
He watched her back, contemplating what to do.
Detecting Mamoru's hesitation, Usagi came to a standstill.
"Mamo-chan…my personal life is really none of your business." Her
voice was flat and calm.
He stared at her slim form, knowing he was a step away from
pushing her to flat-out anger. "Usako…I'm worried, okay? I've
thought of you ever since I came back from your house. I KNOW we're
not together anymore, and I probably don't have any reason to be
asking you this--"
"That's right. You don't." She interrupted rudely, obviously
wanting to end this conversation.
"Usagi, be reasonable here. You haven't gone to school for
three straight days." He tried hard to maintain an even tone, and
stared at her openly. "Obviously, you'll need to clear that up with
the school. And judging from what I saw today--" He struggled to not
dwell on the fact that he saw a fleeting look of guilt across her
face, "I don't exactly think that you have parents who can bail you
out."
"Get to the point, Mamoru."
"If you'll tell me just what the hell is going on in your
life--I might be able to help you."
She snorted. "You? Help me? Please."
Exasperated beyond belief, he threw up his hands and rolled
his eyes. "Fine, have it your way, Usagi." His expression turned to
one of sorrow, and he walked to her, closing the space between them.
"You don't trust me. And you never will. I get that now." Gazing into
her soft blue eyes, he brushed a quick hand over her cheek, surprising
her. "I don't think I'm quite bored anymore…I'm going home." He
lingered for a few seconds, and watched her face carefully. Realizing
that she wasn't going to reply, he shook his head and started to leave.
"Mamo-chan."
He froze in position. A small part of him rejoiced. Somehow he'd
known that she wouldn't let him go so simply. He slowly turned around,
retaining his nonchalant expression.
"Don't do this. You're the one person that--that I've actually
gotten close to here. I want you to always think of me as this crazy
blond girl who has a 'mysterious' side to her…" She smiled softly,
gazing at him with a tender light in her eyes.
"What if I want to know more about this girl, so that I can be
a part of her 'mysterious' life?" He asked softly.
She lowered her eyes, biting her bottom lip.
A moment later, she walked to him, a gentle smile on her face.
"How about we take a walk first?"
He stared at her, loving the way she was looking at him.
"Sure."
They walked abreast on the stone path, silence between them.
His palms were sweaty in his pockets, and he glanced at her now
and then, wondering what went on in her mind. She seemed unsettled,
her lips in a small pout and her eyes focused on the ground. His ears
picked up on the sound of a squirrel rustling in the trees, and he
looked up instinctively, his eyes hunting in the darkness.
He thought he saw her smile.
"I wish we could do this everyday, Mamo-chan." Usagi spoke in a
hushed tone, turning to him with a sparkle in her eyes. "Just the two
of us…walking freely in the park." A light laugh escaped her mouth.
"It almost sounds like a movie title!"
He laughed with her, unable to come up with any decent reply.
They continued along the path, the sound of crickets the only
noise in the darkness.
"My stepdad's name is Satzuki." Her voice broke the silence,
just barely.
He turned to her, surprised.
She gave him a small smile, understanding in her eyes. "He
doesn't do those things…on purpose. He can't control it sometimes.
He's a real sweet guy really--he was there to comfort my mom when my
father disappeared."
"Disappeared?" Mamoru echoed.
She nodded. "I was just nine." Bitter memories came back to
her, and she wrapped both her arms around herself, seeking comfort.
"My dad never came home that day. The police declared him dead a few
years later. Mom never got over it. She was like a total stranger…I
didn't know who she was at all. She wasn't my mom--just this woman who
lived with me."
Mamoru considered reaching for her hand, but denied the thought,
not wanting to take any chances. He stayed silent and let Usagi
continue.
"And then he--Satzuki came, and suddenly my mom was the old her
again." Usagi pulled away a piece of hair that was stuck on her cold
cheek. "They got married, and…I'd thought everything would be the same
again." She laughed then, a sour sound that chilled him.
She flipped a pigtail to her back, and glanced at him, her eyes
exploring his intensely. "But of course, I was just kidding myself."
She looked away, narrowing her eyes. "We found out not long afterwards
that he's manic-depressive."
"Manic what?" He couldn't help but interject, confused.
She smirked at him. "Of course you wouldn't know about it…you
have the perfect life."
He was about to cut in to protest, but she went on before
sentences could form at his mouth. She shook her head, rolling her
eyes. "I CAN explain all that crap about this illness, but I'm not.
In short, it's something that causes one to have mood swings, ranging
from being manic to depressed…"
"But why would he…do that to you?"
"He abuses drugs and alcohol, and he takes out his anger on any
and everything in sight." She ended her sentence abruptly.
He exhaled largely. "So it's something he has. I thought he
was…"
"Crazy."
Mamoru watched Usagi closely, stopping himself from uttering
further words.
"He IS crazy." There was slight hatred in her eyes. "And it's
because of this, my mom and my brother always get hurt…" Her voice
cracked, and there was obvious pain on her features.
Too surprised to do anything else, he stared at her dully.
This had to be the first time that she had shown any signs of
vulnerability. He had no idea that it was even possible for her
to feel vulnerable.
She wiped at her face--if there had been a tear there, it was
gone even before he could blink. "You look shocked, Mamoru--what did
you expect to hear?"
He tightened his eyes, a chill running through him. "Nothing
like this."
She laughed, lifting her head to welcome the wind as it blew
against her flushed face. "Well, now you know. You know what kind of
ugly life I lead."
He shook his head, looking at her firmly. "You know that this
isn't your fault, right?"
She didn't reply.
They strolled forward for another silent minute.
He debated what to say, enjoying the feel of her warmth beside
him. "Where were your mother and brother today?" He asked suddenly,
curious.
"Shingo's never home." she answered, "He's a tough kid--I never
have to worry about him. Which is good, since I have more than my
share of worrying." She stopped to fix her messy hair.
"And your mom?"
She glanced at him, irritation in her eyes. "What business is
it of yours?"
"Usako, I'm just trying to--"
"My mom is in the hospital, Mamoru, okay?" Usagi snapped, her
voice higher than usual, "She was BEATEN by her own husband, she has
bruises all OVER her body, and so now she's lying in the HOSPITAL.
Is that what you wanted to know? Are you SATISFIED now?" And then,
before he knew it, she broke down, her face crumbling right before
him. Tears poured down her cheeks as she started to sob
uncontrollably, her body shaking all over.
"Usako…" He recovered quickly from his shock and murmured her
name painfully, not quite know what to act. Then, without thinking,
he pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her tightly, then
planted a small kiss on her head. "I'm sorry…so sorry…"
He felt her hug him close, and he closed his eyes, wincing at
the sound of her soft cries. He wanted to do more, to wipe away her
pain, if only temporarily--but he knew there was little he could do.
Therefore, he simply held her.
Her sobs turned to soft sniffles, then stopped altogether.
He expected her to wrestle out of his arms, but he detected
no motion from her. She seemed to be content in his arms.
He loved the way her hair looked under the soft light, and he
especially loved that he could put his nose in it, and take in the
pleasant scent it offered. He wanted to stay this way forever…but…
This moment was just that--a single moment, and he knew that things
were going to complicate, and then…he could never quite grasp a
moment like this ever again. He sighed silently as he closed his
eyes, wandering why things could never be simple for him and the
girl he loved.
After a while, he felt her shift in his embrace. "Usako…?"
She lifted her head out of his chest, and stared up at him,
greeting him with a flushed smile. "My dad used to call me that…"
Her smile widened into a grin. "That's why I was so surprised when
you said Usako for the first time."
"Oh…" He smiled back. "I could stop…"
"No!" She shook her head firmly. "I like the way it sounds
coming from your lips." Then she lowered her eyes, a blush over
her cheeks.
He resisted the urge to kiss her right then and there.
She lifted her chin, locking gaze with him. And that was
exactly when they both became aware of how close they were. For a
moment, no one moved. Mamoru's pulse quickened unconsciously, and
he suddenly began to sweat, his breaths coming quick. "Usako,
maybe we should go--"
"Mamo-chan." She whispered his name, and he froze.
Her enormous blue eyes hypnotized him, and he knew he never
wanted to look away. "Yes?"
She inched her face closer to his, making him dizzy as he
stared at her. She opened her mouth, and the numbers of sweat
beads on his back amplified. He strained his ears to hear the soft
words she uttered. "Be mine…once more?"
And before he could realize the full meaning of her words,
her eyes had closed, and she was moving ever closer. His eyelids
involuntarily shut, and suddenly, their lips met, igniting sparks
great enough to cause a fire.
* * *
All right, all right! So the last part was a bit…cheesy and totally
does not go with the overall mood of the story, but I didn't know
how else to write it. =D
Drop me a line, please.