Leiko: Tales of a Bounty Hunter
As Told to Laura McDaniel

Off to See the Wizard

It was kind of funny suddenly being out on the road like that. Having been ignored by my parents for most of my life, I'd already gotten the hang of stealing just about anything I wanted and I knew exactly how to get myself out of trouble if I was caught, so tending to my needs was no problem. It was just that I really didn't know what a bounty hunter was supposed to do. OK...so I'd seen those posters all over the place, but that really didn't help me much. I mean, surely not all of The All Powerful Aku's targets appeared on those posters, so that wouldn't help much if I was wandering around and I passed some guy Aku wanted killed or captured but I didn't know he was wanted. I was really worried about letting Aku down, so I sure as hell didn't want any opportunities to slip through my fingers. Heh...while just about every other hunter out there was worried about how much money they were gonna get paid, I was more concerned about what Aku thought. Pathetic, huh? But, that's the way I was. I was so paranoid about pleasing Lord Aku that I finally decided the best thing to do was pay him a visit. But where the hell was I supposed to find him?

Even though I was determined to make it on my own, I figured I that I should see if I could find any other hunters who would be willing to point me in the right direction. So, I kept walking for days, stopping only to sleep the few times I actually felt like it, until I got to another big city. Ah, it was the kind of city Lord Aku would like, with the shiny billboards and everything, so I didn't feel bad being there. But, much as I wanted to admire Aku's spectacular face, I reminded myself that I actually had more important things to do than just admire him. So, I started searching the dirty streets for some place some other bounty hunters. I was young, so I guess I was a bit naïve. It never once hit me to check a bar or any stereotypical place like that. I just kept walking and walking until I came to a wall with lots of those posters hanging on it. I saw some guys standing around looking at them so I walked up and asked, "So, are you guys bounty hunters?"

They all turned around and looked at me funny, like I was from another planet or something "What's it to ya, little lady?"

Damn, I hate it when people call me that! I kicked the guy square in the balls and he screamed like...well...a girl. It was funny as hell, but I managed to keep myself from laughing and maintained a determined expression on my face.

"I dun think she liked being called that!" another one of the men laughed.

"Shut the fuck up!" the man I'd kicked demanded, smacking the other guy in the face. He then turned back to me and asked, "Look, ya gonna answer my question?"

"Well," I said, "I wanna be a bounty hunter myself."

All of the men gathered around the posters burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" I demanded.

"It's just that, well, a lot of these targets are pretty tough, ya know," another man remarked, pointing to the wanted posters."

"So?"

"Well...It's just that...I dun think yer very tough!"

I spat and got ready to punch the guy. "Why you...!"

"Easy there!" the first man said, grabbing my fist before I could land a decent punch. "OK, so yer tough 'n all, but are ya tough enough?"

I quickly pulled my hand free and crossed my arms. "Only one way to know," I said, smiling some.

"Eh, guess yer right."

"So, can ya help me get started?"

"I dun know 'sactly what ya want me ta do, but if it'll keep ya from punchin' me again, guess I could talk to ya for a bit."

"Great!"

He turned around to the other men and said, "Look, boys, I'm gonna talk to this litt...err…this girl for a bit."

"But what for?" another man protested.

"It's none of yer fuckin' business what I do," he growled.

"Yes, boss," the other man gulped.

"Good. Now stay right here 'n I'll be back." He turned around and led me down the streets a bit. We just walked along and talked some. Not very exciting. "So," he said after a while, "my name is Theron Philaimatos, 'n I'm a leader of a small group of hunters. There ain't many of us now, but we've got a pretty good reputation. If yer so determined to be a bounty hunter, would ya like to join us...um...what's yer name?"

"Leiko," I replied, "Leiko Mouko. And no. I will not serve any mortal."

"Then...who're you gonna serve?"

"The All Powerful Aku himself!"

"Aku, huh?" Theron laughed. "Good one!"

"I'm serious!"

"But, why'd ya do a thing like that? Sure, he pays good, 'n we always take our kills 'n captives to him, but he's not th' sort I'd want to report to on a reg'lar basis."

"Why not?"

"Ya ever actually seen Aku?"

"Of course. He burnt down my city a few days ago."

"And now ya want ta serve 'im?"

"Yep."

Theron shook his head, "Yer one strange little lady!"

I spun around on my heels and looked directly into his eyes. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" I yelled.

"Ya know what I said!" Theron snickered. "Why d'ya hate bein' called that so much?"

"Why do you like saying that so much?" I sneered.

"Good question."

I suddenly stopped walking and leaned against the wall of one of the buildings we past. I glared at Theron, and said, "But let's not get into that now, OK? Just tell me where to find Lord Aku! That's all I want!"

"OK, OK!" Theron said. "'is castle is anchored in this city somewhere, I think."

I didn't like his lack of confidence, but I decided not to say anything. I just wanted to see Aku!

Finally, I caught sight of a spider-shaped building amidst the skyscrapers. "Ah, there it is," Theron said.

"Lord Aku's castle, you mean?" I asked in utter disbelief.

Theron rolled his eyes. "Noooo...it's a laundromat!" he sarcastically replied. "Yes, 'course it's Aku's castle!" Then, he muttered, "'o else would live in somethin' that ugly?"

"I heard that!" I snapped.

"Oh, ya did?" Theron said, blushing slightly. "Just don't tell Aku I said that, OK? We're not on great terms as it is, but I don't want ta talk about that. Let's just get this over with."

By this time, we were right next to the castle. My heart started thumping rapidly while we walked up to it. And my legs started shaking so damn much that I thought I'd fall over. I just stood there and stared at the building. I must've looked like a fucking idiot because Theron said, "Um...ya ain't gonna find Aku out here. We c'n go in, ya know."

"Uh...right." I walked up to the doorway, which consisted of a glowing portal. I stepped into the light and then it felt like I was zapped with several volts of electricity. Next thing I knew, I was standing in a room that seemed entirely built out of flames. There was a big pit in the middle that I thought about walking up to, but the electricity had stunned my movement. Or at least it seemed it had.

Theron appeared next to me in another second. Unlike me, he didn't have any trouble moving. He took one look at me and snickered, "Ya get used to it." Then, he walked up to the pit and rudely called, "Yo, Aku, I wanna talk to ya for a minute!

I wanted to tell Theron to be more respectful to Lord Aku, but before I got a chance, a shadowy black mass began to rise from the pit. I must've finally gotten over my immobility because then, I started shaking up a storm! It took me a minute to crane my neck high enough to see what the mass was, but then I clearly saw the face of the All Powerful Aku himself. It was amazing. Damn, I wish I could come up with the word I was looking for, but "amazing" is all I can come up with.

Anyway, Lord Aku wasn't very happy about being addressed that way, but why the hell should he have been? He glared at Theron and roared, "Theron, you are really trying my patience! The next time you do that, I will cast you into The Pit of Hate."

"Ya keep on sayin' that, Aku," Theron calmly replied. "But ya never do."

"Well, today just might be your lucky day!" Lord Aku grumbled. "But first, tell me what you have brought me."

"Well, Aku, this is gonna sound silly, but I haven't brought onna yer intended targets. 'stead, I brought ya a recruit."

"A recruit? Of what sort?"

"She wants ta serve ya as a bounty hunter." I still wouldn't move. "Um...that's yer cue, Leiko!" he snapped, nudging me forward.

"Oh...um...yes!" I said, stepping closer to the pit.

"She seems so confident!" Aku snickered.

"I am sorry, Lord Aku. It's just that I've been traveling for days  simply to meet you, and now that I have, I don't know how to respond." I was finally able to stop shaking, but I still felt pretty dumb.

"Hmm..." Aku said, scratching his beard as he lowered himself to look at me. "Well, the deference you show me is indisputably commendable." He glared at Theron and added, "That is a trait that is sometimes difficult to find in a bounty hunter. Most hunters are just plain crude."

Theron snickered, "Well, I just now met Leiko, but lemme tell you, she ain't a softy."

"Oh?" He turned himself into a small lizard of some sort and crawled up my shoulder. I hate to say this, but I really didn't like the way that felt. I'd really rather admire Lord Aku from afar than having him crawl all over me, but I know damn well that he can do whatever the hell he wants. Anyway, he glanced at the small handgun I had stolen and commented, "Well, that isn't the most formidable of weapons, but I can take care of that. Tell me, how is your aim?"

"Yeah, I know it's not that impressive," I said with a shrug, "but I thought it'd work for the time being. Besides, I stole it and stealing anything larger would've been more difficult. As for my aim, well, not to brag, but I'm pretty damn good. I used to go shoot birds with some of the boys in my city. I was better than all of 'em!"

"Oh really? Care to demonstrate?" Lord Aku jumped off me and landed in the pit, where he returned to his normal shape. Then, he placed the fingertips of both hands together, and when he separated them, a series of four cutouts resembling silhouettes of people with targets where their hearts would be appeared. "I am certain you can figure out what to do," Aku said.

I nodded and took out my gun. I skillfully held it and fired four bullets at the cutouts, each one landing on the intended target. Once I was done, I smiled and spun the gun around one of my fingers.

"Impressive," Lord Aku commented. "Can you hit the targets if they are moving?" He snapped his fingers and the cutouts rose into the air and started flying rapidly in front of me.

I didn't shoot right away 'cause I had to carefully track the course of each cutout. Once I had the pattern down, I fired at the targets and once again hit each one right where I was 'sposed to, taking just four shots.

"You are definitely a good marksman. But, you do realize it takes more than that to serve as a bounty hunter for The All Powerful Aku."

"I know," I said, returning the gun to its holster. "But I'm ready to do for you what I must, My Lord."

Aku smiled toothily and rubbed at his beard in thought. I really didn't like the look in his eyes because I could tell he was planning something terrible. But, I did tell him that I was willing to do whatever he asked. At last, he lowered himself to look at me and said, "Very well, Leiko. I think you will be a good addition to my elite team of bounty hunters. However, I want you to pass a little test first."

"I will do whatever you ask of me."

He turned to Theron and pointed to him with one of his skeletal fingers. "This is not the first time you have disrespected me, Theron, and the time has come for you to be punished. I will not be sending you to The Pit of Hate, however. I will instead make you Leiko's first intended target." Theron started shaking even worse than I had. What a wuss! Lord Aku zapped him with his laser vision and then he disappeared. Lord Aku turned back to me and said, "OK, Leiko, I have sent that miserable excuse for a bounty hunter to a location that I will send you to as well once you've made all the necessary preparations. I want you to bring him back to me dead or alive."

"I shall do as you ask," I replied, no fear in my voice at all. I'd been longing to make Theron suffer the entire time, so I was actually looking forward to it. "But...what preparations are you speaking of?"

Aku turned to a bat and flew to one of the lair's walls. He blew at it and a cave entrance appeared. "In that room, I have provided you with a selection of more powerful weaponry and other such equipment you may want to use on this mission. I will gladly get you whatever else you want, but not until you have proven yourself worthy with what I have provided now."

Look, I'd like to tell you more, but I'm kind of tired now. I had a rough day. But, Lord Aku granted me tomorrow off, so I'll tell you about my hunt for Theron then. Come back here any time tomorrow and I'll probably be here, OK? OK? Damn, you aren't the talkative type, are you? Well, I'm going now.

[Author's Note: At this point, Leiko paid the bartender for her drink and then left the bar. I have no idea where she went after that, even though I tried following her out. Curious about what sort of thoughts run through her mind when she's on the hunt, I decided I would indeed return the following day to hear about her first mission.]