TITLE: Questions of the Soul
AUTHOR: Pilla Jeffrey
EMAIL: mah219@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Angst, Drama
PAIRING: Mulder/Scully, Mulder/Melissa
SPOILERS: In the Field Where I Died
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: mild language
SUMMARY: Scully reflects on the events of "In the Field Where I Died"
STATUS: Completed
ARCHIVE: Fanfiction.net, anywhere else, ask.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own The X-Files.  They belong to Chris Carter and all them lucky folk at Ten Thirteen, etc.  All original characters and ideas are mine, though, so don't archive without my permission!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I found this episode very powerful, in the dramatic and angst sense, as well as the potentially shippy sense.  Scully's role in this episode was seriously underplayed, as well as the emotional consequences, and I can only imagine (and write) about what was going through her head.

            He will never love me.

            Is this how it's always been?  He is always waiting for Melissa, and I am always waiting for him?  I'm not trying to understand past lives, hell, I'm not even sure I believe in them.  But I do believe in soul mates.  And apparently, I still have to find mine.

            I was sure that he was the one.  I'd denied it, but it was true.  The way he made me feel, the way I'd shiver when he pulled me into his embrace—everything was definitely not platonic.  But I hid those ideas in the back of my mind, never letting them surface.

            I sigh and glance at my watch.  3:40 a.m.  Great.  I push the gas pedal harder.  I'm almost there.  If I can't have Mulder, then I'll be the best damn partner he can have.

            But my thoughts keep going back to his hypnosis.  He said that souls mate for eternity.  If that was true, and he and Melissa were always together in every life, why am I here now, by his side?  Theirs is a tragic love story, but if we choose who we want to be with in life, why didn't Melissa choose this body I consider myself?  It was certainly easier than becoming a member of a cult.

            And why did I choose this body?  In every past life Mulder recalled, I was the strong male figure:  his commanding officer, his father.  Why am I not William Mulder?  Why aren't I Deep Throat, or even Skinner?  Why am I Dana Scully?

            Did I get tired of raising such an insane Fox Mulder into adulthood?  Did I want the chance to be his equal, or even for once to be dominated?  My soul is quiet.  I don't expect it to speak to me, like Melissa's does, but some sort of resolution would be nice.  Just some way to know that everything I hope and dream isn't just a flimsy moment of carefree passion.  I want it to be forever.

            It still confuses me.  If all souls stay close to one another, my eternal love, forever soul mate, must be someone close.  And that brings again the question why Mulder and Melissa's souls were scattered so far apart, when they clearly loved each other with an attraction that was more than just sexual tension.  Their eyes glowed, their whole bodies lit up when the other was around.  I don't care if the woman is brainwashed, she is, unconsciously or not, in love with my partner.  And the way he looks at her is enough to make my heart break.  This is more than some old flame.  This is an everlasting love.

            Could it be a fluke?  That this whole lifetime is just one humongous fluke?  That I should actually be in California, married to a guy named Kevin with two children and a job at the local hospital?

            I walk into the building.  I try to concentrate on the barrack plans and for a second, it actually works.  I get lost in the barrack designs, searching with my finger along the faded ink pages.  Lost in a world I've seen, but never experienced.  Lost in a world of hidden terrors, hidden pains, hidden passions.  I close my eyes for a second, seeing the blood-drenched battlefield.

            The eyes I see through are mine, but they are not.  Everything happens slowly.  I'm yelling at my officers, telling them to stand their ground.  I turn around for a second, looking into the eyes of several of the nurses.  I tell them to hide in the barracks.  Then I choke.  Blood trickles down my uniform.  Everything is growing hazy. . . .

            I open my eyes and let out a soft gasp.  "Oh my god."  I try to steady my breath, letting the tactile sensation of the paper under my fingers bring me to the present.  I blink, folding up the paper and packing it away.  It is no help to me.  I might as well join up with Mulder.

            Frowning slightly, I look up.  Records.  My curiosity overwhelms me.  I take out a large volume, finding Sullivan and Sarah.  On pages wide apart from each other, it seems impossible that these people shared more than a time period.  But I know better.  In a hidden cabinet, I find their pictures.  Both are solemn portraits, but they almost speak to me.  Just those pictures together have so much chemistry.

            I hesitate to bring them with me, but maybe, in some oddly paranormal way, it'd change the case around in our benefit.  Or maybe not.  All I know is that Mulder has a right to see them, even though it breaks my heart.

            She's dead.  And he cries.  And just because that stupid bitch drank that poison, I can't move forward.  I'm moving backward, away from the life I know, into one I have known.  I touch his shoulder as he moves the pictures from his hands to his pocket.  "Mulder, are you alright?"

            He wipes a tear from his eye, even though more fall.  "Scully, have you ever been in love?"

            "Once."  I leave it at that, not telling him my desires, my lust for his touch.  Just that I was in love.  And I still am, dammit.  But I won't say that.  He's gone through enough and his eyes are weary, of pain and life.

            "During hypnosis, I said that she was my soul mate.  That in every life, we were together.  Why wasn't it so in this one?"

            "Maybe this life was a mistake."  I murmur, voicing my hidden fears.  I shove them in the back of my mind, regaining my skeptical nature.  "Or there's no such thing as a past life.  Have you ever considered that?  Maybe it was your overactive imagination, or—"

            "No, Scully."  His voice is firm, but trembling.  "I remember everything now.  Her soft kisses as I lay dying, her strong arms around me.  She was the one.  I knew it the moment I saw her, and she's been taken away again."

            I hide the tears in the mask of indifference I wear, but even that can't hold in my irritation.  "Well, maybe, in your infinite knowledge of your past lives, why don't you tell me who my soul mate is?  Because why should I bother with failed relationships when I can end up with the right guy off the bat?!"  There's more anger in my voice then I'd like, but this rage is boiling inside of me.

            His eyes flash.  "I've just lost my soul mate and you want to know your new boyfriend's name?!  God, Scully, thank you for your compassion."

            "Mulder."  I look him straight in the eye and move close to him, holding him in a hug.  He responds instantly, wrapping his arms around me snugly.  "If you think this is the woman you are meant to spend eternity with, then, yeah, you've got my sympathy.  But you've got a long time ahead of you, Mulder, a long, long time.  I bet some young thing will catch your attention a few days down the road and you'll be asking, 'Melissa who?'"

            He gives a stiff chuckle, resting his chin on my head.  He looks thoughtfully out to the field.  "Maybe our failed lives together are just telling us that we aren't meant to be.  I may not be an expert on reincarnation, but maybe a few lives together are just the first few dinners in the cosmic scale of dating.  Souls may mate eternal, but it'll take a while for them to get there.  "

            I feel guilty at the hope rising in my chest.  "Maybe, Mulder, maybe."  I grab his hand, pulling him slowly towards the car.  "Come on.  Let's see where this life takes us."

            He grins.  "By the way, would you believe me if I said in a past life you were married to Skinner?"

            "No."  I answer it bluntly, but I let my amused smile show.  "Then again, in the past life you speak of, I could send you to your room for disrespecting me."

            "Hey Scully?"  He stops and I turn around.  "Maybe the reason in all these lives you're a father figure to me is because your soul is always watching over mine, making sure I don't get into too much trouble.  Aren't you doing that everyday by shooting down my theories and making sure I don't get over my head?"

            "I suppose.  But it's more than just that, Mulder.  I genuinely care about you."  I pause, waiting for his reaction.  He just smiles and touches my arm.  I lightly shiver under his touch and give him a smile before continuing.  "I want you to know that, no matter what, I do care.  And even if I end up with Skinner in some strange, X-Files way, I'll always be there to help you get that blonde girl down the hall."

            He grins.  "Good to know.  That new Special Agent Williams is pretty hot."

            I roll my eyes good-naturedly.  "I'll chip in for flowers."

            We walk in silence back to the car, but I don't feel alone in the stillness.  Mulder is here, walking next to me, always there for me.  We may be nothing more than friends, but that's good enough for me.  And if we just happen to be soul mates after all…well, we have eternity, don't we?

~Finis~