Title: Until
Author: Suonymona Rating: PG-13Fandom: Legend of Dragoon
Pairing: light Albert/Lavitz
Summary: Albert thinks on Lavitz's flaws, their relationship, and his own heart.
Warnings: Angst, death, mentions of yaoi, stream-of-consciousness
Spoilers: Disc 1 through second trip to Hellena Prison
Archive: Fanfiction.Net, Mediaminer.Org, and anyone else who wants it.
E-mail: jillypuff@lycos.com
Notes: My reaction to the events in Hellena Prison with Lavitz and Lloyd. I was stunned, and this little plot bunny took advantage of it. It feels good to be writing again. I've neglected it for too long.
You always were too rash, Lavitz.
True, that flaw in you was far overshadowed by your better qualities. I suppose some would not even see it as a flaw at all, but rather as bravery, as courage. But I know you better. Knew you better. For all that you were brave and courageous, the cause of your demise was rashness and foolishness. You never were one to look before you leaped. Perhaps that was the quality that made you such a valiant knight. Perhaps that was the quality that earned Dart's respect.
Even sitting here, lost in my own grief over the loss of you and my despair over the loss of my kingdom, I can see my pain mirrored in him. It is just as sharp there, despite his having known you for only a fraction of the days that I had known you.
But then, he was your friend, was he not? The first real friend you had ever had, I believe your words. He was friend to you, as I could never be truly friends with you, despite what either of us may have wished.
And you would yell at me for those words, tell me that I was foolish, would you not? No, not yell. You would never yell at your liege. You could never be free with me in that manner. Real friendship cannot survive over such a barrier. I could be and indeed was many things to you: childhood companion, liege lord, even lover for a few scant years. But not the true friend you deserved, that you needed.
Perhaps if I were, you would never have connected with Dart as you did.
Perhaps if I were, you would still be alive…
No. That was not fair to Dart. He is a good man, one I would like to consider friend as well. He was not the cause of your death. Lloyd was, and through Lloyd, I. If any should take the blame for this accursed event, it is myself. Twice over, for trusting Lloyd in the first place, and for being the one in whose name you gave your life.
But while a small part of me may wish that I could have given my life for yours, I cannot truly wish it with all my heart. The land needs me, powerless though I may be at the moment. They need someone to believe in, someone to lead them forth against the emperor and Floyd. With Dart's help, and the help of the spirit that you left behind, I may achieve it yet. As much as I wish that you lived yet, I cannot regret my own life. To do so would be to dishonor your memory.
Still, I wish that I could see you, hold you, speak with you once more. The thought of never being with you again is incomprehensible. I feel lost at the thought. How is it that you could be gone without even a goodbye? That was not what you promised at our last meeting.
It was in the castle, after you introduced me to Dart and Shana. We stole the few minutes we had left to us after you had briefed me on the situation regarding the war. It was hardly the finest meeting we had ever shared, but to have you at all after being without you so long during this was a blessing that I would not question.
There were no omens, no hints that this moment would be the last moment I would ever share with you. Surely such an occasion should be heralded by some sign of the dark time that is to come. But there was none to be found, nothing that sticks in my memory. We made love, somewhat hurriedly and stealthily, and then gave in to the luxury of holding each other for a few extra minutes. But we both had duties to attend to, so we did not savor the moment as perhaps we should have.
As I should have. Doubtlessly it makes no difference to you now if the moment was savored or not. No moments make a difference to you now.
Before you left, we shared one last kiss. While sweet, it still was not portentous, still lacked warnings of the future. Then we parted, to each do our duties. I went to do my duties as the king, and you…you did your duties as a son.
To your mother.
Your mother. Somehow, I must tell her what has happened to you. No doubt Dart will offer to…but no. This I must do for myself. I have known her since I was a child, and thought of her as an aunt. Besides, I am the one for whom her son fought and died. It is from my lips the sad news should fall, and no other.
If nothing else, we may cry together. Let our tears mourn your passing, follow you down to wherever your soul dwells now.
This sickening emptiness, this void inside you, as if nothing could ever be right with the world again… was this how you felt when your father died, Lavitz? Is this how your mother felt?
Is this how you felt when you thought I was the one who death was about to claim?
How much a claim did I have on your heart, Lavitz? You were so kind, it seemed as though there was room for everyone within. But how large was the spot allotted for me? A half? A quarter? Or was it merely the same as you gave everyone else? Am I selfish, to think I had that much a claim on you?
For I am certainly selfish to wish it. I could never give back to you what you gave to me. Your pledge as a knight of the kingdom had me as their center. There was no conflict involved in loving me more than almost any other. But I as king am concerned with all my people. I truly could not spare you the love that you deserved, any more than I could give you true friendship.
All I can give you is the missing piece of my heart, the small black piece that I felt die along with you under Floyd's sword. It is ironic; that I should lose a part of my soul along with the Moon Gem that was stolen from my body. But whereas I may recover the physical treasure yet, you cannot be restored. You are forever lost.
All that is left are my memories of you, and this spirit that you bequeathed unto me. I feel its power, a strength that I have never dreamed of before within me. But even it cannot fill the void in my heart.
Only you can do that. But that, along with everything else, is beyond your grasp.
What would you tell me to do if you were here, Lavitz? No, that is a foolish question. You would urge me to go forward, to move past your death with my life.
I am afraid that is not in my power to do. At least not yet.
But for now, I will do what I must. I will stop Lloyd and Emperor Doel, that is for certain. If not for your sake, than for the sake of my people. I will stay with your friends, and protect them to the best of my ability. I will tell your mother of the tragedy, and hold her as she cries.
That much is in my power.
And then…who knows? Perhaps some day, we will meet again. Worry not; I will not do anything rash. That was your flaw, not mine. If anything, mine is that I think too much, instead of acting.
But I am not immortal. One day, tomorrow or a hundred years from now, I will die, that much is certain. And then, perhaps I will see you, hold you, speak to you once more.
Until then, all I can do is keep going, one day at a time. For all that I failed you, I can promise you that much.
Until then, Lavitz, farewell.
No. I take that back. I won't say goodbye. I do not believe that it is the case. The emptiness in my heart tells me that much. I will fill that spot once more, it whispers. The part that is missing will be found.
Until we meet once more, I will live on. I will do the work that is set out for me, and hope to receive my reward at the end.
Until then, my rash friend.
Until then, my beloved Lavitz.
/Fin/