Matchmaker
By Terra
Notes: What is it with me and song parodies? The idea for this parody came from a message board, where someone asked why Pansy and Draco are always in an arranged marriage in fics. So, "Matchmaker, Matchmaker" got stuck in my head and this is the result. The original lyrics are from the musical "Fiddler on the Roof" and are not my property. The Slytherins and any other related Harry Potter people I mention are property of JK Rowling, not me. Fans of Fiddler may want to keep in mind that I arranged some lines differently.
Pansy:
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Cast me a spell,
Brew me an elixer,
Send all others to hell
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your scroll,
Find someone to fit the role
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make sure he's male,
As you bring the groom,
Deathly pale.
Bring me his Mark for I'm longing to be,
The Mistress of all I see.
For Papa,
Make him a pureblood.
For Mama,
Make him rich as a king.
For me, well,
I wouldn't holler
If he were as evil as anything.
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Increase my account,
Find me a Sir,
Raise the temperature,
Night after night in the dorms I'm bored
So find me match,
Who serves the Dark Lord.
Draco (spoken): Don't be such an imbecile!
Pansy (spoken): Why not?
Draco: It's not like you'll choose for yourself!
Pansy: I will to. Even if I don't, I'll get the best.
Draco: No, you'll get whoever your mother can convince. Whoever your mother wins over, you'll have to take!
Draco (singing, mimicking Pansy's mother):
Pansy, oh Pansy,
Have I made a match for you!
He's clever, he's young!
Alright, he's 42.
But he's a good teacher, Potions Master
Pansy:
Snape?!
Draco:
Snape!
I won't promise you'll be happy,
Don't be surprised if you're not,
There's more to life than that---
Don't ask me what.
Honey, I found him.
Won't you be eager for eventide!
He's rich, he's tall,
That is from side to side.
But you'll be thinner by his side, right?
Pansy:
No!
Draco:
You heard he has a temper.
He'll beat you every night,
But at least he's not Longbottom!
Pansy:
Well, that's alright.
You think you could get a prince?
Draco:
Well I do the best I can.
With every family only having one boy a round
Be glad you got a man!
Pansy:
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
You know that I'm
Still very vain.
Please, don't raise Cain.
Right at this minute,
I became very down
Because a future frown.
Dear Baron,
See that he's gentle
Remember,
My Slytherin pride.
It's not that
I'm sentimental
Our children will be terrified!
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Put down that book
Send them away
Maybe I've learned
Playing with matches
A girl can get burned
So,
Bring me no Mark
Leave me in the Dark
I've changed my mind
Catch me no catch
Unless he's a Deatheating match.