By Michael O'Hare
Monkey Versus Robot
Monkey play in the jungle,
Robot work in the factory,
They will have a giant rumble!
(Chorus)
MONKEY VERSUS ROBOT
MONKEY VERSUS ROBOT
Monkey hate technology!
Robot hate the monkey!
They will fight eternally!
(Chorus)
Monkey mate in the jungle,
Robot replicate in factory.
They both love their mother,
Why must they hate each other?
Why can't we all get along?
Would that be oh so wrong?
Why can't we all love each other?
Monkey and a robot brother?
(Chorus)
(Chorus)
M-O-N-K-E-Y
MONKEEEEYY
R-O-B-O-T
ROOOOOBOT
M-O-N-K-E-Y
MONKEEEEYY
R-O-B-O-T
ROOOOOBOT
M-O-N-K-E-Y
MONKEEEEYY
R-O-B-O-T
ROOOOOBOT
The sun cast its rays down on a new day, sending out its life-giving rays to a sleepy civilization. As with every day that had preceeded it, the world awoke with the sun, slowly shaking off the veil of sleep and preparing once again to live out this short portion of its life.
As the new day began, two great combatants, one a monkey, and one a robot, once again renewed their eternal battle against each other. The Monkey, a wild, feral beast covered with thick, black hair and exhuding savagery from its eyes, was the embodiement of nature's fury and raw, uncontrollable power. Its foe, the Robot, was a majestic, gleaming metal construction, with a body overflowing with a power devoid of emotion, an avatar of man's brilliance and ability to control their surroundings.
Today, as with every day, the two immortal combatants battled tirelessly, neither side giving quarter, nor asking for it. On this day, just like every other day, the classic battle of Man VS. Nature played itself out with to great avatars of two great opposing forces.
In short, the robot had just kicked the monkey in the groin, who in turn smashed the robot in the face with its fists.
Meanwhile, Zim worked at a feverish pace in his laboratory before heading off to Skool, as it was quaintly known to the locals. The small, green invader hovered over a strange, alien device, snickering evilly as he worked on it, his antennae twitching with each laugh. The further Zim progressed with his insidious task of perfecting the small, silver, featureless orb, the more his devious grin grew. The dark lighting of his lab gave him an even more terrifying appearance, his glowing red eyes giving the appearance of a terrifying demon in the darkness, rather than a terrifying alien in the darkness. Which is what he was.
An alien.
Not a demon.
"Soon," he said to himself, "I shall possess a weapon capable of bringing this pitiful, pitiful world to it's knees, and under my control! One more planet shall fall before the unyielding might of the Irken Elite! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GAG GAG AAAGHACK!!!"
Upon recovering from one of his loudest and most painful laughs ever, Zim returned to his evil task, but quickly realized that the device was missing.
"GAH!" Zim cried out in horror. "Where has my ingenius device gone to??"
Panicking just enough to rob himself of any measure of dignity, Zim frantically searched the area where he was working, loudly gasping with the fear that it had been stolen. In the height of his panicked search, Zim turned around just in time to see Gir getting ready to hurl the just - completed device into one of the teleporters.
"Be free, little hamster!" Gir yelled before lobbing Zim's masterpiece into the teleporter. The sounds of the teleporter powering up and converting the device into pure energy before sending it off mingled harmoniously with Zim's screams.
Meanwhile, a large section of upper Switzerland was quickly suddenly showered with large, radioactive, quickly dying fish. The Swiss continued to remain neutral throughout the entire process, ensuring their victory. Zim's device had failed in the face of national, fascist-assisting neutrality.
"Well," Zim said, watching the results on a giant screen, having calmed down enough while he had watched his plan fail, "maybe the fish aspect was going too far. Next time, I should consider using ferrets, or - "
Zim's shamelessy inane speculations were interrupted when the alarm sirens throughout his entire stronghold began blaring loudly, as the walls and floors were bathed in red light, and every available video screen quickly came to life, displaying images of Zim's front yard.
"What... What is this??" Zim yelled, his voice a mix of panic and anger. "Who dares violate the stronghold of ZIM??"
"HOORAY!" Gir cried out as he hopped and danced around, apparantly in an attempt to dance to the sirens. "CRAZY MUSIC TIME! OF DANCING IS ME!!! WATCH ME WEAR UNDERPANTS WITH LEAVES ON THEM!!!"
"Control yourself, Gir!" Zim yelled angrily. "The very stinking beings we were sent to crush are trying to turn the tables on us!" Quickly looking over the situation, Zim saw the intruder on one of the video screens... A walking cardboard box with the words "NO HUMAN INSIDE" written across it several times.
"Ah," Zim said, calming down slightly... VERY slightly. "It's just a walking refridgerator box. Nothing to worry about... Wait a minute!"
Zim gave a long, hard stare at the cardboard creature shambling down the fake walkway to his fake house.
"Earth boxes don't have legs!" he declared. "EARTH BOXES DON'T HAVE LEGS!!!"
"It's working," Dib thought to himself, as his rectangular cardboard disguise slowly maneuvered itself down Zim's dangerous walkway, past Zim's equally dangerous gnomes, and towards Zim's slightly less dangerous front door. "I'll be within Zim's base, and THIS time, I won't get captured... Probably not!"
Dib allowed himself a quick snicker before moving on. Sadly, this quick snicker was all the lawn gnomes needed to spring into action and to descend upon the cardboard intruder, pounding their little arms against it relentlessly, and causing Dib to shriek like a little girl. As the gnomes continued their relentless assault of sissy girly slaps against Dib, Zim watched on, laughing with sadistic, maniacal glee.
Things seemed incredibly bleak for Dib, and it actually might have been the end of him, had his high pitched squeals of girly terror not attracted a certain monkey, who happened to be nearby. Angrily searching for his metallic foe, the Monkey's eyes instead fell upon a group of robotic lawn gnomes pounding on a shrieking cardboard box. Without a single thought to it, the Monkey immediately charged at the lawn gnomes, giving out a savage cry of primal rage as it smashed its powerful fists into one gnome after another, shattering the small robots effortlessly, and once again stating its hatred of technology through action, not words.
"What is this??" Zim yelled, his maniacal arrogance quickly shifting to maniacal shock. "We're under attack! BY A MONKEY!"
"HOORAY FOR THE MONKEY!" Gir yelled.
"No," Zim responded somberly. "Not hooray, Gir, but boo! A big, vulgar BOO! And I'm going to make sure it's a big, painful, Irkin BOO!"
"BOO FOR THE MONKEY!" Gir yelled.
"We must stop him!" Zim yelled
Not far from Zim's home, site of a horrible monkey attack, the Robot searched relentlessly for his foe, the lens which were his eyes scanning the terrain with unrelenting determination. His audio receptors picked up and analyzed every sound, down to the indecent act of a fly, intent on finding the one sound which would lead him to the monkey. His sturdy, metallic body froze as he picked up the high-pitched whine mixed in with the smashing of metal. That was not what made him stop, however. It was the sound they were concealing.
It was the sound of the Monkey.
Just as Zim was finally prepared to leap from his hidden base to the defense of his gnomes, he gave one final glance to the video screens. His surprise was greatened when he saw that a Robot had entered the battle, and was smacking its robotic fists against the Monkey.
"ZOUNDS!" Zim yelled. "The humans have sent a robot to finish me off... AND IT'S TURNED ON THEM!!!"
"Bwaaaaaaah..." Gir replied.
"TO ARMS!" Zim yelled as he charged towards the elevator. "WE SHALL SHOW THEM WHAT AN INVADER CAN DO!"
"Bwaaaaaaah..."
After his third lungful of air had been spent on a sissy-scream, Dib opened his eyes to see that he had been saved by a monkey.
"YE GODS!" Dib yelled. "The Mother Lawn Gnome has appeared! How could Zim create something this horrible??"
"Stupid human jerk! That is not MY robot!"
Dib turned around to see Zim, standing at his door, with Gir at his side, Gir apparantly having taken to drooling. Upon seeing is alien enemy, Dib exloded into a verbal wave of insults and accusations, which Zim ignored, instead focusing his anger towards the offending Monkey which had destroyed his gnomes.
"YOU! MONKEY!" Zim yelled, while pointing an accusing and altogether rude finger at the Monkey. "How DARE you destroy my lawn gnomes?? You are an inferior EARTH monkey! You're supposed to fail! Can't you Earthlings do ANYTHING right??" Zim's angered yellings were completely ignored by the Monkey, who was too busy hitting the Robot to pay any attention to an angry yelling green child. This only served to increase Zim's already stellar level of anger, so he did the only thing he could do: He picked up Gir and hurled it at the Monkey.
Unfortunately, he hit Dib instead. Gir did not react to any of this. At all. Despite not being hit by Gir, the Monkey did react. Seeing a fellow mammal in danger, the Monkey pushed the Robot away, scooped up Dib like a loaf of bread, and leapt over Zim's fence, disappearing into the neighborhood, leaving only a series of hoots and hollars in its wake, most of them coming from a panicked Dib. The Robot stayed behind, staring down at the fallen gnomes, and running a simulation within its program that showed it shedding a virtual tear for the machines that had fallen victim to the ravages of the Monkey. it did not notice Zim until he was next to it.
"Good job, Smelly Earth Robot!" Zim proclaimed to the Robot standing before him. "You were able to beat back not one, but TWO Smelly Earth Monkeys! For that, I thank you, you inferior Earth robot!"
"Robot Work In The Factory," the Robot replied.
"I love you, Robot," Gir said, hugging the robot's leg.
"It doesn't matter where you work on this STUPID little smell - planet," Zim replied. "You've been kind enough to point out a glaring fault in my security systems... Failure to attack boxes on sight! And, for that, I thank you... Now go away."
"Robot Hate The Monkey."
Zim paused, and glared at the Robot with incredible intensity.
"WHAT did you say?" Zim asked, his voice slow and grim.
"Robot Hate The Monkey," the Robot repeated.
"I love you, Robot," Gir added gleefully, still hugging the robot's leg.
"Hmmmm..." Zim thought out loud... Very loud. "If ROBOT hates the MONKEY, then it only makes perfect sense that he would hate DIB!!! DIB IS A STUPID EARTH MONKEY!!!"
"Robot Hate The Monkey," was the reply from the Robot.
"I love you, Robot," Gir said gleefully to the Robot.
"Yes, YES!!!" Zim yelled evilly. "Together, we shall CRUSH our enemies into the STUPID, STUPID Earth I'm trying to conquer, and REVEL IN MY VICTORY!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Your Victory, too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! But mostly mine. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Robot Work In The Factory," was the reply Zim got.
"I'll take that to mean you agree," Zim stated. "Of course, being a filthy EARTH robot, I will have to destroy you afterwards."
"Robot Replicate In Factory."
"I love you, Robot."
This was turning out to be a very, VERY bad day for Dib. Granted, just about every single day for him was bad, ever since Zim showed up. But, today was especially bad. For some reason, a large simian of some sort had decided to follow him around, and was now trying to find nits to pick off of him in the middle of the cafeteria.
"Look, Monkey," Dib said, trying not to sound too annoyed, "I appreciate you saving me from Zim's gnomes, and-"
"OOH AAH AAH AAH AAAH OOH! AHH!" the monkey yelled in response to the mention of the gnomes.
"Right. Anyway," Dib continued, "I also appreciate your good intentions, but since I don't have any parasites in my scalp, I-"
"Your monkey friends blocking my light," Gaz interrupted. "Make it move out of the way, or I'll hurt it." Neither Gaz nor Dib had noticed the altogether hateful look the Monkey had given Gaz's Game Slave 2.
"Hey, look!" one of the children in the cafeteria suddenly yelled, pointing at the Monkey, "Dib's got some new friend trying to clean nits off of him!"
"Yeah," another child replied. "And he's naked and hairy and six feet tall!"
"He's even wierder than Dib is," yet another child yelled out before laughing.
"OOH! OOH! AAHAAAHOOOHAAHHAAAGHHAAH!!!"
"I'll take that to mean you're insulted," Dib said, once again trying not to sound too upset at his situation. The Monkey answered him by grabbing the offending child, and hurling him into the air several times like a rag doll of poor workmanship. After finally sending the child sailing out of the cafetria doors and to their destiny, the Monkey leapt onto a table, beat its chest in victory, and once again smashed a random piece of nearby technology. The other children could do little but stare wide-eyed at it.
"... Yeah," one child finally stated, "but I'll bet he still picks his nose, or something along those lines... Yeah..."
"Maybe he's gay," another child added. "Does that count for anything?"
"It depends," yet another child responded. "What state are we in?"
Content in its victory, the Monkey once again loomed over Dib, tugging at his hair in a desperate search for small parasites to yank off the child and eat. Dib, along with becoming more and more upset at this, suddenly began to realize something.
"This Monkey hates technology!" he exclaimed. "That's why he kept kicking in every single ATM we walked by! That's why he kept trying to smash the TV in! That's why Dad shot it with a tranc dart and threw it outside!"
"Be quiet!" Gaz responded.
"Don't you see??" Dib said, almost yelling. "I can USE this Monkey's hatred of technology... UTILIZE it, to destroy Zim's base!"
"Shut up!" Gaz responded.
"OOH AAH AAH OOH!" the Monkey responded.
"Don't you see, Gaz??" Dib said. "This Monkey is the key to saving THE WORLD from Zim!!!"
"LISTEN!" Gaz suddenly said, grabbing Dib by his shirt's collar. "The only saving I care about right now is the Save Point in this game! And, if you and your monkey don't stop bothering me, I'm going to rip his hide off and glue it onto yours, got it??"
It was at this point that Gaz made the mistake of lifting up her Game Slave 2, clearly a piece of technology, to full view of a technology hating Monkey. Acting on impulsive hatred, the Monkey reached for the Game Slave. The second its hand made contact with it, the Monkey's world exploded into an endless river of pure, unfiltered pain.
All of Zim's neighbors had learned long, long ago to ignore whatever stranges things were occuring in or around Zim's home, but even they could not help but stare at Zim, Gir, and the Robot as they strutted down the street with the arrogance and composure of a general marching into a conquered city. Zim's arrogance was literally palpable, falling off him in small, pulpy chunks, and Gir was having an incredible level of difficulty keeping himself from once again straddling the Robot's leg. The Robot's singleminded desire to battle the Monkey was all that drove it onward.
"Sorry about Gaz, Monkey," Dib told his simian friend, who was currently coming down from an extended visit to the Magical World of Hurt. "She really doesn't like anyone touching her stuff." Gaz simply gave a small, quick growl in response, and the Monkey simply cried like a baby monkey for about two seconds, before once again focusing its attention on the search for its rival.
"But never mind that," Dib continued, a hint of misplaced inspiration in his voice. "We have other things to worry about! Like ZIM! He's joined forces with that Robot, and - "
"OOOHAAAHAAAHAAHAOOHAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH!!!"
"... Yes, thank you, and there's not telling what they're planning on doing! But, my guess is something like taking over the Earth. That's RIGHT up Zim's alley!"
As both Zim and Dib continued walking and babbling to their respective comrades, they were unaware that they were walking right towards each other. That is, of course, until they each began walking upon the same sidewalk, putting each in a situation where it would be impossible for one to not notice the other.
Zim stopped laughing when he turned the corner and came face-to-face with his arch-nemesis Dib, standing at the side of the Robot's arch-nemesis, the Monkey. Both the Robot and the Monkey quickly took on dramatic poses upon seeing each other, ready for battle, each one determined to make this battle their last one, yet, in the back of their minds, knowing full well that there would be no end to their batttles. Their battle would have proceeded as expected, were it not for one loud green freak standing next to the Robot.
"SO WE MEET AGAIN!" Zim yelled to Dib. "Only, this time, the advantage is MINE!"
"That's what you think, Zim!" Dib yelled back defiantly. "Now you're going to find out just what the Earth is capable of doing to rotten scum like YOU!"
"You are so very WRONG," Zim replied. "It is YOU and your smelly Monkey which shall now feel the pure power of ROBOT!"
"Which one?" Dib asked. "The big one, or the one humping the big one's leg?"
"GIR!" Zim yelled angrily. "GET OFF THE ROBOT'S LEG!"
Gir did not move from his position. Once again, his only response was "I love you, Robot."
"GIR!!!" Zim screamed, his anger almost overwhelming. "I don't have time for this show of robot love... type... THING... EMOTION!!! Whatever it is, let go of my new comrade's leg, before he realizes that I' m just using him to take over the world! I mean-"
"Robot Replicate In Factory," the Robot replied to Zim's accidental revelation of his intentions.
"YES!" Zim yelled back at the robot, in a failed show of drama. "Now replicate DOOM for Dib and his monkey friend!!! DOOOOMMMM!!!"
"Robot Love Mother."
"I love you, robot!"
Dib, seeing that Zim was in the process of calling his new ally into action, went into action, himself.
"Monkey!" Dib yelled. "That's ZIM! HE'S the one who built the Lawn Gnomes!"
"OOHAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAARRRRRR!!!" The monkey's reaction was just as Dib had hoped.
"You know what to do, monkey!" Dib continued. "Save the world from him and his gnomes!"
"CHARGE!" Zim and Dib yelled simultaneously.
At this, the Robot charged forward, and the Monkey did the same. Zim and Dib cheered their respective fighter on, seemingly oblivious to the threat their enemy's comrade posed. With a single minded fury beyond comprehension, both the Monkey and the Robot charged forward...
... And proceeded to beat the ever living Hell out of each other. Much to Zim and Dib's chagrin, the Monkey and the Robot were ignoring them, and continuing their ageless, eternal feud with each other.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!" Zim screamed. "You're beating on the wrong monkey! HIT THE ONE WEARING GLASSES, FOOLISH ROBOT!!!"
"Yes, sir?" Gir replied.
"Not YOU!" Zim yelled back, "The EARTH foolish robot!"
"I love him."
"No, monkey! NO!" Dib yelled desperately at the monkey. "Don't bother with the robot! Take out Zim! HE'S the one trying to take over the world!"
"FOOL!" Zim yelled arrogantly at Dib. "Your STUPID monkey won't listen to you because he's STUPID!!! JUST LIKE YOU!!! HA HA HA HA!!!"
"What about your robot friend?" Dib asked.
"Oh, right," Zim replied, "I almost forgot. Where was I? Ah, yes... STUPID ROBOT!!! ATTACK DIB RIGHT NOW!!!"
"STOP FIGHTING THAT ROBOT AND FIGHT ZIM!!!" Dib yelled, his voice almost cracking.
"I LOVE ROBOT!" Gir yelled gleefully.
"ENOUGH! THIS WILL STOP THIS INSTANT! THIS I COMMAND!!!"
Everyone stopped what they were doing, even the Monkey and the Robot... for about one second, before continuing their battle. Dib and Zim stared at the source of the command: Standing not to far from the two youths was a man. Not just any man, but a man who was not Serpentor, despite the use of the would-be ruler's trademark statement.
"Who the Heck are you??" Dib asked, increasingly annoyed by what was happening.
"I'm James Kochalka, Superstar," the man replied. "I know more about the Monkey, the Robot, and their eternal feud than anyone else. I have dedicated my life to studying it, and keeping the battle's purpose pure."
"That's fascinating," Zim replied, "very fascinating... WHY WON'T THE ROBOT POP DIB'S HEAD OFF AND POOP DOWN HIS NECK HOLE?!?"
James Kochalka, Superstar sighed at Zim and Dib in a combination of disgust and anger.
"Because, they have no reason to. They have no reason to do anything, other than each other. They are polar opposites of mankind itself, of the very world we stand on. Their battle symbolizes the eternal conflict between man's natural self, and man's desire to gain more knowledge!"
"That's really... stupid," Zim replied.
"This is a battle as old as the world itself," James continued, ignoring Zim, and acting as dramatic as he possibly could. "For you two children to use such a thing for your own means is disgusting. You two should be DEEPLY ashamed of yourselves!"
Both Dib and Zim hung their heads in shame as they heard this, the giant battle between the Monkey and the Robot creating an odd backdrop to the scene.
"Wait a minute!" Zim said suddenly, his head shooting back up. "Why am I allowing a human, A HUMAN, to berate me?? My grand plans are far beyond your STUPID moral code!"
"What do you mean, 'human'?" James asked. Zim let out a girlish shriek before attempting to recover from his mistake.
"NONONONO!!! I meant INHUMAN morals! Yes, that's it! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO IMPOSE YOUR MONKEY - FIGHTING STANDARDS ON ME, STINK - CREATURE??"
"If that's the case," Dib interrupted, "why did the Monkey hang around me all day?"
"It's because you smell bad," Gaz replied. James Kolchaka, Superstar took a quick sniff of the air, and nodded in agreement.
"She's right," he said, "you do."
"But... But..." Dib, due to a combination of shock and total embarassment, could not respond.
"HA!" Zim yelled triumphantly. "I told you you were a stinking Earth worm! How ironic that one of your own WEAK kind would point this out to you!"
"Furthermore," James Kolchaka, Superstar added, pointing to Zim, "the Robot is hanging around with you largely because you are short and funny looking."
"WHAT??" Zim yelled, clearly insulted.
"HAHAHA!" Dib yelled spitefully.
"BAH!" Zim yelled. "It does not matter if your dirty Earth - Stink - Robot doesn't want to fight alongside me! I have more than enough technology - "
"OOHAAHAAAHAAAAAH!"
" - To build a robot strong enough to smash TEN MONKEYS!!!"
Oh, YEAH??" Dib replied, or at least tried to reply. "Well, I'll... Grow a monkey..."
"ROBOT HATE THE MONKEY!"
"... And... He'll... He'll... THROW POOP AT YOUR ROBOT!!!"
"BAH!" Zim yelled back. "I SPIT AT YOUR MONKEY POO! SPIT, YOU HEAR ME??? Now's there's SPIT in your POO! That's disgusting!"
"Whatever, kids, James replied, quickly losing interest in the two bickering children. "I'm leaving. Bye," James said, before suddenly and inexplicably walking off into the sunset, taking several unwilling bystanders with him. Zim and Dib watched him walk off, before their gaze suddenly fell on each other once again, and an overly effeminite slap - fight broke out between the two. And, as the sun set, the Monkey and the Robot continued their battle, a battle that would continue for eternity, the true symbol of man and nature's eternal conflict, and a reflection of each side's unspoken desire to simply understand the other's intentions.
Dib was never able to grow a monkey, and Zim's tragically short attention span caused him to quickly forget about his plans to build a monkey - smashing robot. Gir proceeded to fall in love with a microwave... before eating it. All in all, it was a very fulfilling day for everyone. Especially Gir.
In truth, the only person who found the day satisfying in the least was Gir. But, at the very least, this did mean that the day was not a total loss.
(OR IS IT?)
(Yeah, it is.)
(How would you know?)
(Because I'm the writer, you idiot!)
(No, I'M the writer!) (Wait... Then, who am I?)
(Hold on, who's talking, here?)
(...)
DISCLAIMERS
Invader Zim is sole property of... Hell, I don't know. Nickelodeon? Vazquez? Both of them? I don't know, and I don't care. I own this story. Monkey VS. Robot is in ownership of James Kochalka. I think. I really didn't put much research into this disclaimer.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
The person who did the voice for Gaz also did the voice for Rika in Digimon Tamers. Tell people this in an attempt to impress them, it will work, I guarantee you. It works for me, and I'm brilliant!
You know what? Trying to write an Invader Zim fanfic that stays faithful to the atmosphere of the show, yet still retains the quality of a decently written story, is an extremely taxing and altogether painful experience. I mean, Christ, I was planning on making this thing a multi-chaptered affair, where I base each chapter off of a humorous song, like 'Lobster Magnet' or 'Kill a Kitten'. But, after the frantic, hellish deathstorm that this story put me through... I think that this is going to be the last Invader Zim story I ever write in my entire Goddamn life. Because, I'm either going to write it all wrong, or I'm going to give myself a legion of ulcers trying to write it correctly. And, not to sound mean, but some of you people just creep the Holy Hell out of me, and that's keeping me from putting a great deal of effort to entertain you in some way or another. I'm sure you're all nice people, and I'm sure I'd like you if I got to know you real good, but I'm pretty sure at least one of the people reading this is responsible for a dirty NC-17 story, possibly one involving CardCaptor Sakura. If that is the case, I hope you get cancer and die, and your family can't give you a proper burial. They'll have to wrap your body up in one of those Slip N' Slide playsets and toss you into a swamp in Florida. Where snakes will suck your skin, and worms will be your friends. If you aren't responsible for a dirty NC-17 story, and certainly not one involving CardCaptor Sakura, then I admire you on a professional level, and I hope that you die peacefully in bed.
Or in a firey blaze of glory and battle, whichever one you prefer. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel that it's funny that Elvis died on the toilet.
... You know what? I think I'm going to write that Kill a Kitten one, after all. Whether I do or not, I'm just happy that I made such a dramatic thing out of a monkey and a robot beating the crap out of each other.
On a note completely unrelated to my writing pain, killing kittens, or Japanese men in their underpants, but still related to this story, I think I was supposed to caplitalized all of Gir's name. Right? Was I? Wait, don't answer that, I don't have enough respect for you to listen to your answer.
I don't mean it like that, I swear I don't, it's just that I can't get this thought out of my head that many of you have written dirty porn stories to shows I enjoy. Like, for instance, ZIM. Or maybe History's Misteries. Is that even possible? History Channel porn? I just don't know...
Look, I like you people, I really do. Forget everything I wrote, here, and just enjoy my story. If I could, I'd make it come with steak and a beer, or at least a Dr. Pepper for those too young to drink. But, hey, who's checking ID's around here, righ? Ha, ha, ha!