Chapter 4 ~ Arguments
"I'm so bored." Lily heard Cecil complain from across the dorm room. Cecil had only returned from a detention five minutes ago. Binns, of all people (or non-people, as the case may be) had given it to her for talking back in class. Of course, a ghost that old is more than a little senile sometimes, and Cecil had done no such thing. She sighed loudly. "There is absolutely nothing to do." She accentuated her statement by practically collapsing on her bed face-first. A moment later she rotated her head towards Lily. "Do you want to go play some chess?" Lily looked up and noticed Cecil's usually cheerful face was surprisingly bland. And since when did Cecil like chess?
Oh well, desperation drives people crazy sometimes, I guess. Cecil is proof enough, Lily thought, sighing deeply. Laura and Evelyn had apparently left the room awhile ago, though she hadn't really noticed.
"No thanks, I've got to finish this entry." She was referring to her diary, which she tried to write in every day, and had been absorbed in for about the last hour. Cecil, who only wrote when it was assigned, looked positively indignant for being passed over for writing in 'some silly book' as she had taken to calling it.
"I just don't understand it. You write forever in that silly thing." Lily knew Cecil was right. The truth was, Lily had been so busy she had just gotten around to writing down the conversation she and James had had two weeks ago. Lily knew that her time would be better spent on the homework she still had to do, but she felt that she needed to do something for herself or she would go crazy.
Lily contemplated the idea, "You're right, I'll just finish it later." She hopped out of her bed and stretched. Her body ached from lying at a forty-five degree angle for half an hour while she had written. Chess would be a great thing to sidetrack her mind, Lily always came away extremely thoughtful from writing in her diary. Besides the conversation with James, that particular entry had been devoted to some feelings she had wanted to sort out. Leaving it only half-done left with only half-thought-out feelings left her a bit unsettled, like she was backing down from what she felt. It was too bad though, she really had needed to stop.
"Great," Cecil yelled as she jumped off her bed and bounded over to the door. Cecil, it seemed, had an unlimited supply of energy that she could call upon anytime she felt like. Lily briefly wondered why Cecil didn't play Quidditch, then scolded herself, Cecil is afraid of heights, you idiot. Just as Cecil began to open the door, Lily walked over and gently closed it.
"But, I still can't play."
"Why?" Cecil was obviously a little upset at the prospect of being ditched. An idea struck Lily, We could still have a little fun before I leave, she thought, and grinned wickedly.
After her first meeting with James in the Library she had returned to the dorm room late, thanks to Sirius' games, and woken Cecil. When she questioned Lily on what she had been doing, Lily drowsily replied, "With James," which of course had set off sparks. It had taken a little while to convince Cecil of the truth, and then she positively cracked up at Sirius' side of the story, marveling at Madam Haslett's behavior.
Cecil also found it positively amusing that Lily had admitted she needed a tutor, and always took joy in reminding Lily when she had her 'dates' with James. Sometimes, Lily had thought, she is so much like Sirius it is scary.
Lily rolled her eyes animatedly. "What day is it today, Cecil?" she said, putting her arms on her waist.
Cecil knitted her perfect dark eyebrows. "Tuesday," she said simply. Her jaw dropped a little, "Ooooooooh… Tuesday," she said, her inflection speaking for itself. "Time for your date with Jamesie."
Lily laughed. Jamesie, what a hideous name. "Yes," she answered. "And only ten minutes to get ready!" She said it like it was a sin, and yet her face was scrunched up in displeasure. These Transfiguration nights were a drag. Luckily, however, James had informed her that Quidditch practice schedules might be altering soon, and he might not be available. This came as good news, because her class schedule just didn't allow for extra time spent on Transfiguration on any other night, and her social calendar didn't allow for it on the weekend.
"And you wouldn't want to be late," Cecil said, looking miserably bored, her voice sarcastically light and happy.
"Never!" Lily replied. She sat up from her bed and continued in her fake voice, "Well, time to go. Wouldn't want to be late for my darling James, now would I?"
"No, I suppose not. You'll have to tell me about it when you get back. No skimping, do you hear me?" she said with an impeccable rendition of someone who actually cared. If Lily came back and began to talk about Transfiguration, Cecil would strangle herself. "I'll just sit here and… well, I don't know what I'll do," she said. "There's absolutely nothing to do… and now I have no one to hang out with." She frowned.
Suddenly Evelyn's bed curtains flew open and she calmly slipped out of her bed, though Lily could tell she was mad. Her lips had gone all straight and white at the edges. She glared directly at Lily. "Lily Evans, I can't believe I ever called you my best friend!" Lily gulped, taken aback. Evelyn walked quickly to the door and looked back at Cecil. "You, obviously, don't care very much about me either." Cecil looked even more morose than she had before, if that was possible.
"I can't believe you'd do this to me," she said softly, her voice cracking. Lily could tell Evelyn was trying not to cry. The thought occurred to her that Evelyn might not be the strong, poised person that she seemed, and she was dumbstruck at what to do.
"There's been a mistake!" Lily blurted out.
Evelyn shook her head. "I heard what I heard. You can't change that," she said quietly.
"You can't change out years of friendship either," Cecil said softly, her eyes pleading. "Come on Ev, you know us." Lily tried to walk towards her but Evelyn only backed away, closer to the door. I can't let her leave!
"No… no I don't know you, and I will change it. I'm leaving. Please, don't try to talk to me." Lily sighed a little. This is getting unreasonable, she thought. Evelyn looked at Lily and bit her lip. "I thought you understood," she whispered, and closed the door behind her as she calmly walked away.
Lily stared openmouthed at Cecil. She hadn't thought that James was still sufficiently painful to hurt Evelyn this way. A little voice inside her head scorned her, But the thought of her best friend going out with him probably is. Lily felt lost.
"Cecil, what do I do?" she said quietly. She knew she was late for her Transfiguration lesson, and she hadn't done too well on the animal-human transfiguration test last week. There was a quiz tomorrow and Lily needed a good grade badly. But Evelyn… "James is waiting for me, Cecil. I don't want to leave Evelyn, but I really can't afford to miss a lesson!" Cecil narrowed her eyes, wondering if Lily really did feel something for James. This wasn't like Lily, to leave Evelyn. But it's not like her to flunk a class either, she thought. Sometimes she wondered if Lily had her priorities straight.
"Umm, don't worry Lily, I try to find her," Cecil promised warily. "I'll find her Lily, I'll try and fix this… this mess." Lily looked apprehensive, but Cecil waved her on and Lily ran as fast as she could to meet James in the Library. Cecil wondered briefly if she had made a mistake, and then walked out the dorm room door, wondering where Evelyn could have gone.
Well, she thought brightly, at least now I have something to do.
* * *
Lily was a complete mess from the beginning of the tutoring session. She arrived late and had to endure James telling her how he was busy as well and she could at least attempt not to waste his time. Lily couldn't even provide a rebuke. She was suddenly thinking all those corny thoughts that seem so cliché, and she couldn't even help herself.
She realized about five seconds into James' lecture that she shouldn't have left Evelyn for a silly lesson, but there was no getting out of it now. Evelyn was much more important than James. Besides, she thought, McGonagall can kiss my—
"LILY," James said, utterly annoyed. But she wasn't paying attention, because Evelyn's words rang throughout her skull. Lily Evans, I can't believe I ever called you my best friend…
What made it worse (if that was even possible at that point) was that Evelyn was mad at Cecil too. Its not Cecil's fault at all, she knew, and the guilt piled up on her. She had too many thoughts cluttering up her head right now, including very important Transfiguration notes that James was, at the moment, trying to cram into her head.
James noticed wondered if she even realized how obvious she was being, it's no wonder McGonagall caught her daydreaming. She really needs to work on that, he thought. Plus, it was aggravating; he could be using this time to review important Quidditch strategies for the approaching game against Ravenclaw instead of Transfiguration. He was the Gryffindor team captain and the Seeker, and there was a lot of pressure for them to beat Ravenclaw. In turn that put a lot of pressure on him, and he didn't have the patience to tolerate Lily wasting his time.
"Lily, I doubt it's even worth it to tutor you, you never pay attention," he said loudly and sourly. Lily's head popped up. She would have been thankful to be knocked out her sorrowing reminiscence, except for the comment was obnoxious. She might have considered it as a joke, but James' voice was cold. She tried to brush it away.
"Sorry, bad day." Lily replied, groggily. I won't drag another person into my problems, she thought. Besides, it would be awkward. It was also late, partly because she had arrived late, and partly because she really didn't understand the material. He had been in the middle of the fifth repetition when he stopped. James rolled his eyes.
"Is every day a bad day for you? You never remember anything I tell you, you never listen to me, and you were the one who dragged me into this in the first place," he said angrily. James was totally exasperated with Lily, and the late hour was affecting him as well. Lily was suddenly awake; James can't act completely heartless and insult me in the same breath and get away with it, she thought angrily. She was as fed up with his tutoring as he was with teaching it. Lily knew she needed help, but she could find it from someone else, James had pushed her threshold of tolerance too far.
She tried to keep her voice low seeing as they were in the Library, and yet her anger couldn't help but bubble over. "I just had a huge fight with Evelyn, but I left her because I didn't want to miss this stupid lesson. I care about whether or not I pass Transfiguration, but I can see you don't! Consider your debt repaid, James Potter!" James immediately regretted not being a tad more sympathetic. Last time I make that mistake.
He hadn't meant to upset her, but it was hard to be carefree when people placed Gryffindor prospects of the Quidditch Cup in his hands. The only good thing was that he would get to return home for holiday break on Saturday the 17th, the same day as the game, so if Gryffindor lost he only had to deal with it for a few hours. He hadn't realized his edginess about it was affecting his personality so… negatively. He started to apologize, but Lily was out of the room quicker than if she'd Disapparated.
Lily ran to Gryffindor Tower and entered the common room, only to find Cecil lying defeated on a chaise longue. Cecil had found Evelyn in the Owlery, Lily discovered, but Evelyn had refused to talk to her, and stalked off.
"Just so we don't do something stupid again," said Cecil, "Evelyn is in her bed and the curtains are closed." Her voice was playful, but her eyes showed she was defeated. Lily appreciated that Cecil was trying to make her feel better, she needed it. But Lily knew that she had made the mistake of leaving to go to her lesson, and so she had to do something.
"If she won't talk to us," Lily said, "then we need to find someone who she will talk to."
"Ok, simple enough. How about Laura?" she said. "Hey Laura!!" she called across the room, and Lily turned. She hadn't realized that Laura was here, but she was sitting at a table and studying with Peter and Sirius. She walked over, looking upset at being interrupted.
"What's going on guys? I haven't seen you all afternoon," she said cheerily, fiddling with her blonde hair. It was a little idiosyncrasy of hers.
"I don't know if you've heard…" Lily began, not knowing where to start. Laura waved her hand noncommittally.
"You mean about Evelyn? I heard," Laura said, surprising Lily. She had only told James, so that meant…
"Cecil, who did you tell?" Lily asked, aggravated. Cecil narrowed her eyes.
"Don't get angry with me now," she said snappily. "If you only ever waited to hear the other person's side of a story you wouldn't get mad all the time," she said. Her words stung, and Cecil realized that was uncalled for.
Laura intervened, bending over between them and hugging them, "I know you both don't mean that. Lily, Cecil asked me where Evelyn was and when I told her no I wondered why she was looking. You two are in a fight with her, that's all Cecil told me—no particulars, I promise." Laura smiled, but the explanation really didn't make Lily feel any better, only guilty.
"Listen, Lily I am sorry," Cecil said quickly and then turned to Laura. "The whole point of this was to ask if you could talk to Evelyn for us, because she won't say anything to either of us." Laura looked indecisive.
"What's the matter?" Lily asked her.
"I just don't want it to seem like all three of us are against her. If it seemed like I was betraying her as well I don't think she could take it," Laura explained. Lily tried not to get frustrated with her, as she sometimes did. Betray, she thought, nice choice of words, Laura. "I would try Remus if I were you, he's fair," she continued. Cecil and Lily exchanged looks of agreement. But when they questioned Sirius and Peter about where he was, they learned that he had just left to visit a sick family member at home. He wouldn't be coming back until after the Holiday break which ended January 9th, more than a month away.
Sirius and Peter were quickly ruled out as mediators, they asked petty questions along the line of Was the fight over a hairbrush? Did you steal her mirror time? Lily crossed her arms, vexed.
They returned to the chaise longue and racked their brains for an answer. The thought of her leftover homework never even crossed Lily's mind.
"I think we'll have to wait until after break," Cecil interjected, frowning. The idea was not appealing at all.
"That's what I'm afraid of." She wasn't sure how great of a Christmas she could have with this hanging over her head. And Evelyn would just keep getting angrier and angrier. Not even the thought of seeing her parents cheered her up. Certainly the thought of seeing her older sister Petunia didn't cheer her up. They had never been on the best terms since Lily left for Hogwarts. "Maybe there is something else we can do?" Lily said hopefully. "I'll write her a letter and leave it on her dresser." She nodded to herself, already composing the letter in her head.
"Great idea," Cecil said, knowing it wouldn't work. "Come on Lily, let's go to sleep. This is tiring me out." Cecil sat up and stretched. They walked up the stairs and silently opened the door, entered, and closed the door behind themselves. Lily saw her diary poking out from underneath her pillow, where she kept it. She checked to make sure both locks, magical and Muggle, were still intact. Then she thought better of it, undid them and got out a pen, prepared to rip out a page and write Evelyn a letter. She looked at the end of the entry she was writing this afternoon.
Of all the answers I was expecting missing 'that certain something' was not at the top of my guess list. James calmly explained that he and Evelyn acted just like they had when they were friends. Of course that's why nobody expected it, because Evelyn hadn't really done anything. They were just acting as their normal selves. I didn't really understand, but then again, I'm not very relationship-experienced, I suppose. I wish that Evelyn wasn't so distraught over it, because it really worries me to see her like this. But, I think that she's almost over him now, though I can sort of tell when she is trying to hide how it hurts when she sees him. I'm hoping that in a couple of days she should be back to normal.
Lily reread the last sentence, in a couple of days she should be back to normal. She laughed sourly. Not after what happened today, she thought. Evelyn would probably be furious with James too, thinking he had broken up with Evelyn for Lily. She wrote a brief summary of what had just happened. She sighed, she'd probably need an hour—or two or three—to properly write this down along with the planned letter. It helped Lily to write down her thoughts, especially when she was angry or upset. She'd noticed that it helped prevent temper flares. Her diary held everything important that had ever happened to her, she always tried to keep it current. Lily took one last look at her diary after she locked it; she had a feeling she would be writing a lot in the near future.
* * *
The rest of Lily's week was spent in solitude. Not talking to Evelyn was bad enough, but James had such a hurt look in his eyes every time she got near him that she couldn't bear to be around him. That included classes, lunch, and the common room. Since she wasn't speaking with James, she was cut off from the Marauders as well. Sirius and Peter weren't avoiding her, but every time she talked with them it was decidedly awkward
She saw James and Peter talking and Sirius comforting Evelyn. A lot of people seemed to be comforting Evelyn. Lily, on the other hand, only had two comforts, Cecil and her diary. She had enough free time to elaborate on each day three times over. She was tempted to do just that, because even though she was in the crunch time before break, she just couldn't bring herself to absorb herself in her studies.
It seemed like everyone knew about what was going on in the sixth-year Gryffindor girls' lives, and Lily walked around school feeling like people were talking about her. She absolutely hated that feeling, and she knew that it was partially true. James, at least, seemed to stop whatever conversation he was having whenever she walked in the room and look at her oddly. After a second he would shake his head and turn back to his friends.
Sick of the way things were going, Lily approached Evelyn but she had abruptly rushed away, acting as if she suddenly remembered something vital. After a few more futile attempts, Lily just stopped trying. If Evelyn went through all the trouble to get away from Lily, she wasn't going to go chasing after her. Indifference settled on Lily like snow falling on leaves. It settled into every little crack, seeping in between her thoughts and actions. How could she care when everything was so horrible?
She barely even reacted when McGonagall returned a failed paper to her the next Monday. Of course, Lily missed her Thursday meeting with James, and it was getting harder and harder to concentrate. A countdown until holiday break started was constantly in her head. Sitting in front of Professor McGonagall that Monday, staring at her paper marked with red ink everywhere, the only thing she could think was thirteen more days…
The thought of winter break was the only thing that kept her going. For the first time, reassurance from her friends and writing in her diary weren't enough. Her house seemed like heaven now, even if her sister Petunia was completely abominable. She dreamt about her family. Families, unlike friends, she decided, didn't desert you when you needed them, even if your sister did hiss at you once in awhile.
* * *
Thirteen days seem much longer to experience then to count on the calendar, but they passed. Lily packed up her trunk, making sure she had packed everything that she needed for the days at home. When Saturday the 17th arrived, Lily woke up to a seemingly deserted school and had a flash of fear that she had missed the train and would have to stay at school. Where is everyone? she wondered. But, as she looked out the window she saw many people milling around and realized that it was the day of the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw match. James' big game, she thought. Maybe I should go, just to support the team. Plus, it isn't as though I have something better to do. Cecil's fear of heights kicked in just watching people dip, dive, and swerve so high up in the air, so Cecil always disappeared early on Quidditch days. Lily wrapped her cloak arounf her and headed down to the pitch.
The game was much-anticipated and had a big influence on who'd win the Cup. The Ravenclaw Chasers were all powerful seventh-years, it was very visible that they worked together well, whereas the Gryffindor Chasers needed some work. Lily wasn't much into the game, even though she loved Quidditch. She cheered, but her heart wasn't in it. Lily ended up sitting by herself. Quidditch lost some of its excitement when you couldn't share it with others. Sure, she was surrounded by other Gryffindors, but she wasn't with her friends. She tried to focus on the game.
This is crazy, she thought to herself, I don't really even like Quidditch… so why am I here? She glanced quickly at Evelyn, Peter, and Laura sitting together. The least Laura could do is come and join me, she continued, being unreasonable. She rubbed her gloved hands together trying to stay warm. She wondered how the players managed to stay focus as the wind whipped around them.
The Ravenclaw Chasers, in particular, caused quite a stir, practically dominating the Quaffle. Sirius and the other beater, a fourth-year girl, valiantly held them down. In the end, Gryffindor won by 90 points, James making a spectacular catch as the Seeker. Lily felt a little on the outside, whereas usually a Quidditch game was spent cheering, laughing, and then hopefully celebrating. Normally Lily would have dove into the party, but seeing as James was practically the Guest of Honor, she didn't want to stick around.
As Lily walked back up to her room, she looked at the list of people staying for the Holidays. There wasn't a single fifth, sixth, or seventh year staying, and only two Gryffindors. It looked as though almost everyone at Hogwarts wanted to go home as badly as she did.
* * *
The students waited in line to get on the boats that led to the Hogwarts Express. Lily had a heavy trunk, and it had taken her awhile to get there. As a result, Lily was close to the end of the line—the abominably slow-moving line. Lily hummed every song she knew, even the atrocious school song. The holidays will be over before I even get in a boat. This is a magical school for heavens sakes, don't they have a faster way to do this? she mentally griped. As if her question was answered, the line started to move just a little bit faster.
It seemed like an eternity before it was finally Lily's turn. She shoved her bags into the boat and climbed in. The seat was welcome to her sore back, she had been standing for a long time. She was finally allowed to go, and her boat started to glide forward, then lurched to a stop. She waited until the boat stopped swaying, and looked to see if they had hit a rock or something. She realized someone had put a magical barrier on all the boats, and now everyone was getting panicked. Half the boats had nearly tipped over from the force of the spell, a few actually did. "Is this someone's idea of a joke?" she heard McGonagall, who was in charge of the line, mutter. Lily wanted to know the same thing.
Her eyes searched the crowd and the passengers for Sirius, remembering that the Marauders hadn't pulled any pranks in a while. They'd want to do something big like this right before Holiday Break. When she found a look genuine surprise on his face she realized her fault. Sirius had probably already forgotten the charm for ceasing movement. Lily, being as good in Charms as she was, was capable of stopping a few of the boats, but to stop them all would take a really powerful witch or wizard. She shivered a little. The sun was gone and it was wintertime, truly.
Hearing a faint voice, she looked towards the school. She saw a man, tiny in the distance, running towards the boats trying to say something. Other people noticed him, and strained to listen, but his words were incoherent over the cacophony that was being produced by the passengers. She, along with the other Prefects starting hushing everyone and silence was finally, though grudgingly, accomplished.
She watched the man get larger as he bustled closer. He was wearing robes, and had a long silver beard. "Dumbledore?" she asked herself. What would he be doing out here? She soon found out.
He had on a voice magnifier charm, but his voice was still strained, traveling the distance that it was. It was not calm, as usual, but scared and fearful. What could make Dumbledore scared? Lily wondered anxiously. His tone of voice imbued a sense of fear into her, and she gripped the corner of the boat with her hand. Her pale skin turned a ghostly white around her knuckles. Dumbledore's voice was mostly lost in the open area of the grounds, but he was still faintly audible. Straining, she heard his voice waver, "Lily Evans, where is Lily Evans?"