Chapter 5 ~ Family and Friends

Lily was getting tense, almost all the students had gotten onto the boats, and she was walking back to the castle with Dumbledore. He had used a Levitating Charm on her bags, and they were effortlessly floating next to him. They walked for a while longer, and Lily began to get agitated. They were going the wrong way. Away from the good, and towards the bad, didn't he see? Finally she asked, "How am I going to get home if the Hogwarts Express has already left?"

He slowly turned to look at her. He took off the charm on her bags and they floated to the ground. He motioned for her to sit on her trunk, which she did. For a moment she wondered what people would think if they saw her sitting on her trunk in the middle of the Quidditch field. Then she turned her attention to Dumbledore who, oddly enough, was staring at her pityingly. He began, "Lily, you will be staying at the castle over break," he paused to allow her to question his statement, but she didn't. Dumbledore procrastinated a little while Lily stared at him in amazement. She had never seen—or even ventured to think—that he could ever lose composure. But he did now. "There is no easy way to go about this Lily," he started again.

Now Lily was worried, Dumbledore had to tell her something, and he didn't want to. She had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had an awful feeling about the topic of this discussion that seemed too painful for him to talk about. "My family," she whispered, too quiet for the man to hear. "My parents," she said again, this time directed at him. He looked down into her eyes, her green orbs were pleading with him. He saw her jaw was quivering, as were her hands, which she was wringing in an attempt to release some of her tension. Looking at her, Dumbledore wanted nothing more that to tell her, "Your parents are just fine Lily," but he had to speak the truth.

"Your parents, Lily, they were murdered last night." He waited for her response again, but she just looked around herself frantically. So, he continued, "That's why you can't go home, Lily, you don't have a home to go to. I'm sorry, it was completely destroyed." His throat was parched now, from forcing the words that burned Lily's very essence out of his mouth. "Petunia is still alive, she going to stay with your aunt. The Ministry is searching for the man who caused this, he goes by the name of Lord Voldemort. They are also searching for a suitable a wizarding family that wants to take you in until you are legally of age. You should get the owl with the news as soon as they find an acceptable home, or they find any news." Lily just stared at the ground, something she seemed to be doing a lot of lately. Dumbledore could see her trying to contain violent shakes that reverberated through her fragile body.  He proffered his hand, patting the top of her back. "Lily, if you have anything you wish to talk about, know that you're—"

"No," said Lily quietly, yet violently. "You're lying."  A look of sadness appeared in those wise eyes of his.  She couldn't look into them.

Sadly, regrettably he replied, "Lily, I'm telling you the tru—"

"NO!" Lily screamed, violently. "No, no, no, no, NO!" she repeated, trying to convince herself she was speaking the truth. Yet, when she looked into Dumbledore's eyes again she saw that they held that same sad look as before, and she knew that he was not lying. His eyes told the truth—her parents were dead. Her own eyes brimmed with tears, and then overflowed, leaving salty waterfalls down her cheeks. She couldn't handle the truth right now.

The bats on the lake had restarted their journey swiftly after Lily had left, and they were headed for the opposite shore.  But to those who were watching Lily and Dumbledore from the boats, it was still possible to see what was happening.  Some of the boats had passed too far across the lake to see anything, but James, who was in the last boat along with the Marauders, acting in his Prefect role to make sure no one was left behind, could see quite well.  The boys saw her misery, and they saw her run back into the castle.  James, seeing her run away, couldn't help but feel that he wasn't quite doing his job.

* * *

Lily collapsed into the nearest chair she could find, which ended up being a small loveseat in Gryffindor common room.  The fire from the fireplace heated the back of the chair.  There was a little loose thread on the couch and she busied herself with pulling at it, tugging it and ripping the couch as she sat there for hours and cried.  The two Gryffindors who were staying didn't come near her. They were two first year boys, and scurried from the portrait hole up to their room. Lily didn't even notice them. She lay there wide awake, until midnight. She rose, and managed to make it to her bed. She just lay there and listened.

…

…

…

The whole castle seemed to be completely silent. Lily continued to lie there, and learned what it felt like to be truly alone. Her friends, some were gone for good. And the others, well, they were gone too, now. She had thought that her parents would always be there for her, always comforting her. They wouldn't leave me, they loved me, she thought. But, in the end, she accepted the inevitable. Her parents were gone forever as well.

* * *

Lily never woke the next day. She slept through until the next morning. For one blissful second after she awoke, she was happy. For that one second she forgot her worries.  She was still smiling from the fresh smell of the morning when she remembered.  It was funny, a little ironic even, that she had thought her life could be no worse last week.  And now she realized that she had been blessed, but had lost it all.

She had an acute pain in her stomach from no food for two days, and little food before that.  When she was stressed, she didn't eat. It didn't take perfect vision to see that Lily's sadness was affecting her body.  It hurt her to lie there, and yet she didn't have a desire to move. 

It seemed as though her blood carried the pain from Evelyn, James, and her parents. It circulated through her body, and pumped into her heart, infecting her emotions. The pain pounded in her head, and made her ache. It was torture, and she had to deal with it by herself. However, Lily didn't have the capacity for all the pain, so she just fell back asleep. She could worry about food later.

Over the next few days Lily only emerged from her room to ease her hunger. That pain was easy to deal with. The other was proving difficult. She tried writing in her diary, but she couldn't put the guilt, suffering, and inexplicable agony into words. She was also incapable of holding a pen correctly; she shivered so much just thinking about it. On her last trip for food, she decided to just stay in the Common Room, her dorm held too many memories. There were too many pictures of her former friends and family, too many memories inflicted upon that room. The bleak atmosphere in the common room eased her pain for now.  She sat down on her little loveseat that faced away from the fireplace whose whole left seat was practically in shreds, slowly eating a peanut-butter sandwich and staring off into space.

* * *

Lily woke up one day to find it snowing. For the first time in over a week she felt the initiative to do something. She got on her cloak and went for a walk in the snow. The cold numbed her hands just as the pain numbed her heart; they were both incapable of feeling. Lily realized that it probably wasn't making herself feel better by walking in the snow. There were too many metaphors for pain, and her mind was reeling so much she kept on finding them. She walked back inside to find the Great Hall decorated cheerily—too cheerily. Lily hadn't even realized it was Christmas. The thought considerably lowered her spirits.

She wouldn't be getting any presents this Christmas, or any other Christmases for that matter. Lily wasn't so superficial that she wanted things from people. She just wanted to know that she was loved, appreciated. She would cherish a slip of paper that had the simple words, "Lily, you're a great friend." She tried not to get her hopes up. Who would send me a present anyway? She tried not to think about it, but she couldn't help it.

She finally decided she would hang her cloak up in her room, and not look at her bed. She knew the chances of getting a present were slim to none, but it would still hurt to see nothing at the end of her bed. It would be better not to know than to know that nothing was there.

Lily climbed the stairs to her room, and opened the door. She averted her gaze from her bed. A voice inside her head was telling her, Lily, there'll be presents, all you have to do is look. At the moment this seemed reasonable to Lily, her mind was malfunctioning a little from all the stress she was going through. She looked and, to her dismay, found nothing.

She knew she shouldn't have looked, but that didn't comfort her. Sleep was comforting, so that's what she did.

"Mommy, Mommy!" her six-year-old self cried, and bounded down the stairs. "It's Christmas!"

Lily watched herself happily tear open presents, have Christmas dinner, and proceed in trying out all her new toys. Lily continued to watch herself climb into her parents' bed, late at night.

Her Dad asked, "Are you okay Lily? Did something scare you?"

"No." she replied.

"Then what are you doing out of bed, dear?" her Mother had wanted to know.

"I was just thinking, isn't Christmas the best day ever?"

Both her parents had laughed at that. Her Dad picked her up, carried her back to bed and tucked her in. Lily had lain there, not understanding what her parents thought was so funny. Why had they laughed?

Time passed quickly for Lily, because she was asleep twice as much as she was awake. But, after she started having dreams about her parents, she decided to stay awake more. She spent all the time she was conscious eating or thinking. It was on one occasion when she was sitting in the common room thinking when she heard a voice. A voice? Lily hadn't heard a voice since Dumbledore's, not even her own. As soon as Lily got over the shock of actually hearing it she tried to find out so it was, so she listened.

"Oh great," Lily heard a female voice complain from behind the picture hole, "What's the new password, I can't find it!" Lily knew that voice. Cecil! Today must be the day that they all get back from the Holiday Break. Lily tried to hide, she couldn't face Cecil, but her legs were too weak to move. Enraged at her helplessness, Lily started to cry. She heard Cecil say the password and saw her eyes widen when she saw Lily. She rushed over to her.

"Lily, oh my gosh what's the matter? I was so worried about you when my owl came back and still had your present! I thought something awful had happened," she rambled. Then Sirius walked over.

"Lily! What on earth happened?" he questioned. "Why are you here and not at home?" He only caused Lily to cry harder. Cecil comforted her while Sirius said, "Back in a flash, I got something for you." Lily was whisked out of her sadness. Sirius had something for her. Then Cecil surprised her even more.

"Hey, so do I. It's upstairs in my trunk." Lily would have wondered how Cecil's trunk had managed to get upstairs when Evelyn walked in. She took one look at Lily and asked quietly and evenly, "So Lily why are you so sad? Did James break up with you, too?" Lily scowled and tried to stand up. She was trying to find the nastiest rebuke possible, when someone interrupted from behind her.

"We were never going out, Evelyn. And, I don't think you're helping." Lily wondered if she was hearing things, Was that James I just heard? But I never saw him walk by. He'd need to be, she paused in a moment of realization, invisible. Cecil and Sirius entered the room as Evelyn stalked back out, bumping into Remus as he came through the portrait hole. James joined them and walked over to her. Remus noticed the commotion and walked over to Lily also.

"Lily, what's the matter?" he exclaimed.

"I'm just so weak, I don't think I've eaten in days," she replied, tiredly. That was only a half-lie really. She was hungry, but she had been eating some.  She just didn't want to tell everyone about her parents yet.

"Are you crazy?" cried Cecil, "That's not good for you!"

Remus and Sirius whispered something to each other, the Sirius said, "Hey Lily, give Remus and I five minutes." He pointed at his present. "That should cure you for now." And he and Remus left leaving Lily, James, and Cecil. Lily reached for the present, and opened it to find, "Chocolate Frogs! Yes!" Lily was devouring her frogs when James left, saying he had a present too. Lily took a second to marvel inwardly at how nice James was. He had gotten her a present when they were in the middle of a fight.

"Lily, open mine now." Cecil handed Lily her present. It had a card attached, so she opened that first.

Dear Lily,

I got you this because your other one is filled to the brim.

I hope that you can put it to good use. See you after break,

                                                                        Cecil

Lily opened the present to find another diary. This one was larger which was nice, but she was dismayed to find the paper wasn't lined. It was sort of like a binder, the pages could come out and be rearranged, and the holes were magically reinforced. "Thank you, Cecil," she said, awestruck. She hadn't gotten presents because the owls didn't know where to go, but this made up for it. Lily was in the process of getting up when James entered saying, "One more." Lily sat back down.

James handed her his present, and she opened the attached card.

Lily,

A present as unpredictable as you are. Lily, you're a great

friend, I'm sorry we fought.

                                                Merry Christmas,

                                                            James

Lily's jaw hung open staring at the card. It was like James had read her mind. Hadn't she thought, just days ago, that all she would be content with was a piece of paper that said, "Lily, you're a great friend"? How could he have known? James cut into her thoughts by pushing the present closer. When opened, she revealed a package of Bernie Botts Every Flavor Beans. She got up and hugged James fiercely, "Thanks James, you have no idea how much that meant to me." Lily looked at her presents, she couldn't help it, and she started to cry.

"Lily, now what's wrong?" Cecil asked. At that moment Remus and Sirius walked in with an assortment of food.

"I didn't get anything for you guys. I would have but," she stopped.  "I was going to get them when I got home, but something came up. I couldn't make it back." Her friends were skeptical on the truthfulness of her story. They all knew that if Dumbledore had called Lily back, something important had happened. They weren't blind. They didn't press her about it though.

After eating most of the food, she gathered up her presents, and walked up to her room. She thought about the day's happenings, and her dream. She closed her eyes and saw her six-year-old self saying, "Isn't Christmas the best day ever?" Now she knew. It didn't matter what day it was, it just felt great to be loved, and right then Lily thought that she had just had the best day ever.