Chapter 15 ~ Smiling and Crying

She sat there staring at the back of his head. If Professor McGonagall got this sort of attention her students would all be much better off, but she sat there content to stare at the back of James Potter's head.

He had gorgeous hair, and you could tell he had broad shoulders underneath those robes. Pesky robes…

On a whim she took out a piece of parchment, not really sure of what she was doing. James hadn't talked to her since the Ball, and so for the past couple of weeks she had been worrying over what was going on. Well she was going to put a stop to it right now.

She scribbled his name on the front of her note and passed it forward. When Sirius threatened to read it she threatened to curse him. She saw James get the note, regarding it curiously. He opened it and read

                James,

                I think that we really need to talk. I'm so confused, what was going on at the Ball? You weren't acting like yourself. It really hurt. You must have figured out, or if you didn't someone must have told you that I really like you. And I just don't understand what's going on. Please meet me after class.

- L

She wished for all the world that she weren't sitting behind him for once, so that she could actually see his expression. She would have seen a slow smile creep on his face only to turn into a full-fledged grin. After the ball he hadn't been sure…but then Sirius had told him…and when he was dancing… Oh well, it seems I haven't screwed things up too much, he thought happily.  He continued to grin.

* * *

Lily Evans waited outside the classroom impatiently, waiting for people was so annoying. Someone from the stream of people exiting the classroom stopped in front of her.

"Hey James." James hardly noticed that she didn't even look nervous. I'll always be amazed at how she has managed to learn how to keep her cool.

James spoke excitedly, staring straight into her eyes in a way that made her shiver. "Listen, Lily. I got the—"

"James!" From down the hall a high voice screeched. "I though you had walked away without me, and after I asked you to wait." James turned to see Laura trying to cut through the throng of people moving against her. He just stared at her, confused. "Laura," he whispered. "L." A slow glance from Lily to Laura as he realized the mistake he had made. He had thought Lily was the one who had sent the note, but we don't always get what we want. Before he knew it Laura had swooped in hooked arms with him and was dragging him down the hall, leaving Lily abandoned on the wall; leaving behind something that he had just realized he had lost. Lily just stared into the ground, missing James' frantic and longing look he cast over his shoulder for her.

Lily just stood there, bewildered. James was inexplicable. She wouldn't ever understand the way the thought, the way he worked, or the way he made her feel when he looked at her the way he had a few moments ago.

Evelyn, the person who she had been waiting for finally exited the classroom, the professor had wanted to talk to her. "Sorry it took so long, Lily."

"Hey, no problem." She took one last look down the hallway to see Laura and James round the corner and go out of sight.

"Ok, then. Let's go, Lunch is next and I am starving!" Evelyn accented her exclamation with a roll of her eyes and they both walked quickly down the Hall towards the Great Hall, Lily's thoughts on James temporarily forgotten.

* * *

They didn't stay forgotten for long though. When Lily made it down to lunch Laura and James were already there, sitting beside each other. Laura continued to talk to him and Lily only had to see his eyes glaze over and hear him sigh once to see that he was completely infatuated with her. Honestly, he seemed like he was on another planet, as if he wasn't thinking of Laura at all, yet he wouldn't stop staring at her. From Lily's view on Laura's other side she could tell quite plainly that Laura seemed to be the only thing on his mind.

And Laura giggled, and she smiled, and Lily had never seen her this happy. All Lily seemed to see was Laura's happy face.

Lily had the sudden urge to punch it.

Then maybe she wouldn't be so damn beautiful and James wouldn't be so damn obsessed. And then, the voice in her head chimed in, you wouldn't be so jealous.

Lunch turned out to be not so pleasant a break after all.

* * *

All through the next week she only saw Laura hanging all over James, in fact, it seemed as though everywhere she turned they were there, together. And the days until summer break rolled by and soon enough Lily was off to the Delann's house.

It was odd going to the train station and being picked up by people who were not her parents. She didn't even have a clue to what these people were like except that they were worthy of the Ministry because, well, Mr. Delann had essentially been the Ministry. And from the small amount of research she had done on him she had found that his retirement came as somewhat of a shock and that he had been a very good Minister indeed.

And so when she met him she wasn't surprised at her greeting.

"So great to finally meet you, Lily. I've heard lots of great things about you from Dumbledore." He offered her hand to shake, and unless her eyes were playing tricks on her she saw him give her a small wink. A wink? What was that supposed to mean? What had Dumbledore been saying to Mr. Delann?

She hadn't much time to brew over it as she was bombarded with questions from Mr. and Mrs. Delann. They asked her about her favorite subjects (Charms had been a favorite of Mrs. Delann as well) and what she did in her free time. Lily hadn't exactly realized that they knew almost nothing about her, well, except for whatever Dumbledore had mentioned.

When she popped into the Delann's living room through the fireplace she could hardly believe her eyes. The Delanns were filthy rich. You wouldn't have noticed it from the way Robyn acted, but looking up into the four-story atrium there was no doubt about it.

"Come on, Lily, I'll show you around." And so Lily set off, venturing through all the massive hallways and around the impressive dining room. When Lily got to her own room she was amazed. Her bags were already sitting on a large four-poster. Next to her bed was a large bureau and on the opposite wall a bookcase. Walking to the window Lily looked over the grounds—the extensive grounds. You didn't expect the former Minister of Magic to be poor, did you? she asked herself. Robyn quickly hurried her off through the library (immense), the parlor (gargantuan), and the exquisite foyer (need I say more?)

Robyn's house was gorgeous; it was anything Lily had ever dreamed of living in. There were house elves ready to take her orders, facilities beyond her wildest dream, and kind caring people to live with.

But it wasn't her home. And they weren't her family. After dinner Lily rushed upstairs and flung herself into her bed.

She didn't stop crying for a long, long time.

* * *

Robyn was home for a week before she had to begin a summer job she had signed up for before it had been arranged for Lily to stay over the summer. On the morning of her first day Lily sat in her room watching Robyn get ready.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay? I could, you know." Lily really wished Robyn would stay.

"No, really, I'm fine. I wouldn't want you to rearrange your summer just because of me." Robyn eyed Lily skeptically.

"Well, only if you're sure." Robyn continued talking as she walked to her fireplace, Lily retreating to her own little world. Alone again… And before she knew it Robyn was throwing Floo Powder in the fireplace and yelling back, "Bye Lily!"

And all of a sudden Lily found herself alone in a room in a strange house. The massive, twisting hallways didn't have the same grandeur when she wandered them aimlessly. Without realizing where she was going she found herself in the parlor.

She looked over the trinkets that adorned the room, pausing at a grand certificate above the fireplace.

Order of Merlin, First Class

Presented to Robert S. Delann for his astounding use of magic

in the face of terror.

We honor him on this day of June 5th, 1961

with this certificate for his deed.

"Wow," she muttered aloud.  I wonder what he did to deserve that. He must have deserved the Minister position for some reason or another, she finally decided. And that must have been it. I can't believe Robyn has never mentioned anything about it though.

Lily continued walking around, finally asking one of the timid house-elves for directions back to her room. She got there, pulled out her Diary and began to write, a habit she had abandoned since, well, since that stupid Spring Dance. And thinking of the Dance she couldn't help but fling the Diary down again, advancing to the mirror.

She looked at herself. She wasn't ugly or anything, but she wasn't exactly gorgeous either. "At least not like Laura," she reminded herself. I'm not jealous, but a girl can't help but want to be pretty. A sneaky little thought of James crept in her mind. "I'm not jealous that James likes her. I don't like James, and I am not jealous."

"Dearie," the mirror chastised her, "Give it a rest." Lily just humphed and started at the contrary mirror. "Though you could use a new hairstyle, you know."

"Well, I don't care what you have to say." Lily took two steps back to her bed before stopping. She turned slowly and returned to the mirror, sweeping her hair off her neck and pinning it there.

"See there, that makes your neck look as graceful as a swan's." Lily wasn't sure if she was supposed to thank the mirror or not. "I'm sure James will like it."

Wrong, she mentally commented.

"James won't ever see it, so it won't be a problem." She turned back to her bed, moving to undo her hair.

Yikes! her mind screamed. Wrong again! For there he was, James Potter, hovering outside her window on his broomstick with the oddest look on his face.

And Lily, well, she was rooted to the ground, eyes bulged, jaw hanging. She quite resembled a squeeze toy that was about to pop. And, understandably, when she saw James let out a small laugh she was pushed to the breaking point.

In other words, she popped.

* * *

"Don't just stand there!" he pleaded through the window.

"I don't see why I shouldn't!"

"Aw, come on. It's not like I did anything wrong."

"So spying is part of your everyday life, then?" She paused on her tirade to look at James. "Never mind." James just grinned.

"Please, Lily? I promise I won't spy again, if that helps." As she unlatched the window she muttered, "You'd better not." He jumped down off his broom and dusted himself off, not paying any attention to the scrutinizing look she was giving him.

"Got any food around here?"

"I'm sure there's food. I just haven't got a clue where it would be."

"Well then, lets go exploring, my stomach calls!"

Not surprisingly, James got them lost. "Brilliant! Lost in a huge house without a clue to where we are. Next time, James, when your stomach calls, don't answer."

"Aw, give it up, Lil. Come on, this room looks good." Lily stared at the door, the only one in the house that she had seen that appeared rather rustic and worn. She approached the door slowly, for some reason very wary. "Doors don't bite, just open it." She felt silly, but then just decided she might as well, exactly at the moment James reached out to open the door for her.

They both got rather stuck in the doorway and fell through was a loud thud that echoed. When Lily finally pushed herself off James she got a good look around the room. It was dusty, cluttered, and nothing like any other room in the house. She and James went silently to explore the room, each understanding the others curiosity.

Brushing away some webs Lily found a whole other section of the room, walled off to make it look as though it weren't there. A large single pane window overlooked the grounds and she saw Sirius jumping off his broom in the middle of the grounds. "Neither of them have respect for anyone else, do they?" she muttered to herself ruefully. She turned back to go find James and tell him Sirius had got there but James was already calling for her.

"Lily, Lily where on earth are you?" She popped out from behind the wall, pouncing on him from behind.

"Right behind you!" she screamed gleefully as he wailed like a small child. "So what is it?"

"Oh, nothing. I just thought we should go."

"Yeah, Sirius is waiting outside, I saw him through the window."

"Lily, Sirius is away. He won't be back for another two weeks."

"Oh, I swear I thought it was him. Oh well." James stared at her, her forehead wrinkled in confusion. He couldn't help but give a little laugh.

"And what is so funny?"

"Um," he started innocently, "you?" He flashed that grin of his and backed away slowly as Lily advanced.

"You are going to regret saying that!" She took off down the corridor after him. James yelled back good-naturedly, "I already do." James was jogging backwards as he watched Lily half-chase him, stumbling while he impeded her with jokes, imitating anyone he could think of as he went down the hall.

Right in the middle of a fake spastic leap (he was Sirius) James fell over, right into Robyn, of all people. Lily quickly ran over and helped James up, noticing he was wearing cologne. Did James ever wear cologne before? she wondered. She must have been spacing because Robyn's hand was waving in front of her face.

"Oh, yeah, hello to you too, Lily." From someone else it would have been sarcastic, from Robyn it was just a joke. "I guess I forgot to tell you the first day on the job was just a half-day."

"Sorry," Lily apologized impishly and James looked on.

"No problem," Robyn assured them as they walked down the hall. She held Lily back as James walked ahead and whispered, "I should be apologizing with you for interrupting your secret little rendezvous with James." And with a promiscuous waggle of her eyebrows she went up to bridge the gap between themselves and James, leaving Lily in the dust for a few seconds until James came back to drag her along.

Robyn just smirked.

* * *

And it was that very smirk, That god-damn smirk, Lily told herself, that had her in this position right now. Robyn didn't have to go and broadcast it to the world.

AHH!! she thought, screaming at herself. There is no it! There is no it! Lily hadn't seen James for almost two weeks after the visit. Lunch was too uncomfortable, at least she felt that way. Why are Ravenclaws so observant?' she thought with vehemence, so assuming.

But really, she couldn't stay mad at Robyn. She could just sit there, sending letters to her friends when Apollo dropped by, and just sit.

Sit and contemplate.

Contemplate if, perhaps, chance beyond chance, that Robyn was right.

* * *

Right…

Wrong…

Right…

Wrong…

Laura…

Oh, yes, how could she forget? Laura, Laura, Laura? Laura seemed to be ruining everything between the James and Lily. And James couldn't even see her, or if he did he certainly didn't act on it.

Evelyn sat by her desk, contemplating what exactly she was going to write to Lily after all. I can't mention James, she thought tactfully. Apollo had arrived only the other day with a very fragmented letter from Lily. Something she was obviously embarrassed about. Evelyn sighed and wished she wasn't stuck in Paris all summer, she missed her best friend.

Back at the mansion, Lily sighed as well.

You'd never imagine yourself wishing for summer holidays to be shorter, Lily thought, repeating a phrase she had written in her letter to Evelyn. I suppose I never thought about a lot of things, she continued to muse. She was soon interrupted by a loud crash.

"You know, you wouldn't think so, Lily, but this is some harsh carpet you've got here."

She knew that voice. She really didn't want to turn around. How could he back already? Two weeks wasn't what is used to be…

"What, Lily? Too secluded even to come visit your pal Sirius when he gets back from his vacation?" Lily made a face, reference to yourself in the third person was a bit of a pet peeve of hers. "I know you're making a face hoping I can't see, Lily," he finished in a singsong voice, taunting her until she just had to laugh.

"Sirius! You are incorrigible!" Sirius seemed to take it as a compliment.

"When I find out what it means I'll thank you."

"No, you wont," she added with a small laugh. "How did you get in here anyway?"

"Well, I just landed in the yard, but you weren't there and I tried to get your attention but I couldn't, so I just flew in your window. It was open."

"If I didn't know better I'd think you would make it a habit of breaking into people's rooms."

"Of course not. I only reserve the privilege for you."

"And Snape."

"Yes of course, and Snape. Well anyway, off to business, we have got to go." He grabbed her by the hand and dragged her to the fireplace, Lily not even having the drive to protest.

"Sirius, where are we going?" She had a sinking feeling she already knew exactly where they were headed… with whom they were going to meet.

"Just thought that we could take a drop by Florean's for some ice-cream."

'Maybe I underestimated him,' she thought. As he threw some Floo Powder in the fireplace he added, "Oh yeah, and we're meeting James."

Before she could even stop herself from muttering 'Daigon Alley' Lily was out the fireplace, Sirius close behind. As soon as he landed she turned on him, "Come off it, Sirius, I'm going back. Hand over the Floo Powder."

Sirius smirked and said, "I'm out." And to prove it he turned out his pockets, and Lily watched a whole pile of the glittery dust fall to the floor, unsalvageable. Sirius plastered a look of innocence on his face, a good attempt ruined by his next comment. "I know that James will have some, if it makes you feel any better."

It didn't.

"Sirius!" she shrieked, wondering how she would ever get out of this contrived, evil plan of his. It figures that Sirius is only clever on holidays, not when we are actually in school, she thought to herself.

"Lily, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you are a tad nervous to see James. Now why would that be, hmm?" Lily just scowled. "Are you sure there isn't something that you'd like to share with the class?" And he had Lily beat.

"Oh, stuff it Sirius. Let's get to Florean's and get back as quick as possible." And they made their way through the twisty alleys to the ice-cream parlor, where James was waiting. Lily and Sirius sat themselves down and were greeted by a somewhat awkward silence.

"Hey Sirius, hey Lil."

"Hey James," responded Sirius. Lily was silent, Sirius nudged her under the table.

"Oh, fine!" she said a bit loudly, exasperated. "Hello to you too, James." The waitress came over then, thankfully.

"Well, what can I get for you all today?"

"Chocolate," both Lily and James answered at the same time, glancing at each other. Sirius grinned, "I'll take vanilla," he answered. "So anyway, Paris was great fun." Lily did a double take.

"Paris? You went to Paris? That's where Evelyn is, did you see her?" James noticed a bit of a tremor in her voice, and wariness in Sirius' when he answered back.

"Um, we might have run into each other a couple of times, you know, on accident." Lily raised one eyebrow. "I understand perfectly—on accident—of course." Sirius just looked up innocently, and Lily stopped dead in her tracks. No doubt Sirius had been filled in to some extent on the happenings that day, otherwise how would he have known to tease her back there? He could embarrass her royally, so she decided to just shut up.

She hadn't really noticed that James and Sirius had been talking. "Yeah, so Remus and Peter are supposed to meet us back at the house." Lily's head perked up, "Whose house?"

James answered, "Mine," and seeing the somewhat upset gaze he got in return he added, somewhat upset himself, "It's close to yours, you could walk from my house."

"Close to Robyn's, you mean," she absently corrected, playing with her chocolate ice cream that she hadn't even noticed receiving. James and Sirius exchanged looks, ones of compassion and sorrow.

"Lil," James offered, "We can go now, if you like." Lily pushed away from the table, not even looking at him and muttered a quick "Sure," and left to dispense of her uneaten ice cream. They went to James' house, he did indeed have some Floo Powder handy, and Lily was surprised by the size of his house. I should have guessed, he is in Robyn's neighborhood.

"Come on, I told them to meet us outside." Lily couldn't help but notice that James' house was quite as grand as the Delann's, and the grounds were rather small, but gorgeous nonetheless. Remus and Peter were waiting, leaning on an old willow tree. Remus didn't notice them approaching until they were standing right next to him.

"James, Sirius, Lily! Good to see you!" He jumped up, giving Lily a reassuring hug. Why couldn't all boys be so considerate? Lily sat down next to him, and right away the got off talking. During the time after the ball the had come to be very close friends, often staying up late in the common room just talking, discussing the current events, their lives, just anything. Lily had missed him more than she had known in his absence from her circle of friends after that night last school year.

They didn't even notice a certain person regarding Remus with a tinge of animosity, or see a tawny, petite owl stop off to drop off a letter in James' lap. He read it, slightly cringing. "Look at this one Sirius! They just keep getting worse. What am I supposed to do?" he hissed. When he saw he had caught the attention of the other two he quieted himself.

Remus smirked at James, "Another 'Laura Letter' James? How many has it been this week, five?" Lily looked down, and James answered, "Nope, seven."

"How many have you written back, James?" she asked quietly. She felt guilty about how she was acting around James, but friends came first. And although Laura and Lily didn't have the cleanest track record, they were still friends.

"What? Oh well, I haven't exactly had the time… you know, its summer! Time to relax, have fun—"

"Dump your girlfriend," she continued. "I understand." James walked over to her, and the other guys took the opportunity to exit the scene rather tactfully, though Peter wanted to know why on earth they were leaving since there wasn't anything going on. Remus had just rolled his eyes and whispered to explain later.

"Lily, she is not my girlfriend."

And all of a sudden all of Lily's emotions were unleashed onto James. "Like she wasn't your date, right? But you didn't really mean that, because as soon as she got all dressed up you acted like there wasn't another girl on the planet. Such a typical guy, just because a girl is pretty nothing else matters."

James looked bewildered, lost. "Lily, a lot of other things matter beside how a girl looks."

She practically hissed back at him, "Then act like it."

But James wasn't about to sit a round and be bullied by her. "What do you mean, 'act like it?' How have I been acting any differently."

Lily looked at him, defeated. She couldn't talk if he wouldn't listen. She just had to try one more time. "Let me just ask this, do you actually like her James? Or did you just get caught up into this without even meaning to?" He didn't answer. "James, just tell me, do you actually like her?" He stared at her guiltily, causing Lily to have to reign her temper in.

"Listen, James. When you hurt her, there is no if anymore, when you hurt her, do it gently. Don't hurt her more than you have to. And do it soon, or you'll just be leading her on, okay?"

"Sure." Lily gave a small sigh of relief. The problem was dealt with, well, a problem was dealt with. She still had that nagging voice in the back of her head, telling her, and pleading with her to just say something to him…

"Lily?" James asked. "Why do you care so much about her?"

"We went through this before. James, Laura and I are friends. I wouldn't want to see her hurt like that. And as meaningless as she is to you," James tried to protest, but Lily held her hand up for silence, "she cares about you, for whatever insane reason," she added with a sly smile, but sobered again quickly. "She will be hurt, you know that."

"Yeah, I know." James was regretful, it seemed. Perhaps because he hadn't fixed things with Laura like he should have.

Lily answered simply, "Then do something about it."

"Lily, it's not that easy. It's hard for me to tell her that I don't care for her when she tells me things like she does in these letters." James sat down wearily against the tree trunk, Lily sat down next to him. He unfolded Laura's letter, pointing to a phrase written right before the end.

I love you,

Laura

Lily gasped. "Oh," she exclaimed sorrowfully. "Oh no…" Lily couldn't even look at the paper. Laura will be heartbroken, I cant believe it. This is terrible…

"I don't think I know what love is! I mean, I'm just barely seventeen." Lily replayed those words 'just barely seventeen' in her head. Suddenly she remembered James birthday had been last week. Way to go Lily, go and forget your friend's birthday because you are too embarrassed to talk to him.

She stood up, slowly followed by James. "Just let her down easy. I'd better go now, okay?"

"Yeah, I guess." Lily started to walk away in the vague direction of Robyn's house, head full of thoughts.

"Oh yeah, and Lily?" She paused to look at him. "Thanks. You care more than you have to. I think that's really… good of you." Hearing him say that made her feel really great for some reason, adding a spring to her step as she continued on her way to the Delann's. "Hey Lil!" James called from back by the willow. She slowly turned. "See you tomorrow?"

Lily considered the question, then smiled broadly. "I'll be here at twelve!"

Lily walked back to the Delann's, and James went to meet Sirius, Remus and Peter.

They were both smiling.