CHAPTER SEVEN: THE CHAPTER THAT LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE STAR WARS
Note: the real author, Samuel de Bie, is temporarily not in the mood to write this story. That's why I, GEORGE LUCAS, the creator of STAR WARS, will write it from here. Hope you'll like it!
Dear Voldy,
I'm now at Hogwarts. Lord Potter now has the House-Elves on his side. Tomorrow, he is going to show me one of his diabolical plans. Oh, by the way: I have managed to become Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and Head of Potterdor (the new name of Gryffindor). Now I can spy on little Potter even more! Hehe. So, how's it hanging with you?
Greetings, JK Rowling
Joanna checked the letter on grammar and gave it to a brown owl that just passed by and headed to the Teacher Dormitories. That night, no incidents happened, if you didn't count in a sleepwalking Snape or a snoring McGonagall.
After a good night sleep, Joanna woke up. She brushed her teeth and went to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts for the first time! She checked the "Big Book of Defence Against the Dark Arts Stuff for Teachers" for the last time and went into her classroom. After some minutes, the fifth year Potterdors and Slytherins came in.
"Hello class", said Joanna. "I'm your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! I'll start the lesson testing your basic knowledge! Tell me, Malfoy, what would you do if Lord Potter threatened you with his horrible, diabolical and EVIL curses?"
Malfoy gave a nervous look from Lord Potter to Joanna Scowling and said: "Er. I would cry and run to my father?" The Potterdors laughed.
"WRONG! Tell me, Crabbe, what would YOU do?"
Crabbe said: "Well, professor, you have in that a interesting question. However, we must look at every side of the situation. For instance, the climatologic and social situation we are in at that very moment! But, in the most cases, I would choose for the option Mr. Malfoy just gave us: Run away as quickly as I can and express my feelings of fear and traumatic experiences to my father and/or mother."
The Potterdors were cracked up.
"Er. okay, you have a point in that, Crabbe.", said Joanna astonished. Boy, teaching WAS harder than she thought. "But that's not the subject anyway! Not at all! The subject is. er." She thought for a moment. And then, she got a crazy idea. She said it before she realized it was a ridiculous thought. "What if we learned to do the lightsaber thingy from Star Wars with our wands?" Now, THAT interested the students. "Er. Usetheforcus!", tried Joanna. There came two bundles of red light out of her wand. "Wow", she thought, "I actually invented a spell!" It became a interesting lesson.
After four lessons of teaching students the "Usetheforcus"-spell, giving detentions to jerks and being very bossy, she saw Lord Potter.
"Now Scowling, that was a interesting lesson!", he said. "Your little Star Wars spell inspired me for a new evil weapon. MWAHAHA! Unfortunately, my last experiment didn't work. Maybe you heard the bang yesterday evening." He shook his head. "A pity. But what the heck, THIS weapon is much better! It can't fail! Follow me to the Potterdor Common Room, Scowling!"
They climbed through the portrait hole. The common room was empty, except for a big, black dog. Uh? It was Snuffles, best known as Sirius Black!
"I did some experiments and I came up with a new evil weapon. THE DEATH BARK! Sounds good, doesn't it, Scowling? Sometimes, I'm impressed by my own brilliant and evil mind! I'll let you see - or no, let you hear my weapon - Now, Snuffles!"
The dog barked. Only, it sounded a thousand times harder than normal!
"WOOOOOOF! WOOOOOOOOF! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!"
Joanna thought her ears would explode , when suddenly Snuffles stopped.
"Tonight, I will pay old Dumbledore a visit, and Snuffles will too. If I let my dear dog bark there, Dumbledore will probably get a heart attack. I'll say to McGonagall that I tried to rescue him, but that I was too late, and the old witch will believe me! Then, she will let me be Headmaster, and I'll turn this school into "Potterwarts School for Evil Crafts and Dark Magic! MWAHAHAHA!"
When he stopped, he gave a look to Joanna, and then, she also laughed. "Fine", he said. Now, I'll take a nap. I must be fit when I'm Head Master in a couple of hours. MWAHAHA!" He went to the dormitories. Now, Joanna had to be quick. She had to send Voldy Mort an owl, quickly! This was a disaster! She went looking for an owl, when suddenly, one dropped a letter at her feet. She took the bit of parchment and read:
Joanne,
I'll be coming to Hogsmeade today. You said Lord Potter was going to show you his diabolical plans, and I am so worried!
You told me the House-Elves are on his side! Oh no! That is perfectly terrible! Those lazy Elves have perfectly terrible powers! They are so bad! Oh my! That's not good! I am so worried!
Meet me at midnight in the Shrieking Shack. There, you can tell me everything! But best skip the bloody parts - I am a very sensitive man.
Love,
Voldy
Joanna threw the letter away. So, she had to visit the Shrieking Shack at midnight. But how? How could she sneak out the Teacher's Dormitories at that time? She didn't have a Invisibility Cloak . . .
Suddenly, in mid-air, a ghostly figure made of some sort of green light appeared. It said:
"Joanne . . . I am your father . . ."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Will you please shut up? You don't want everybody to hear you! You have a Force in you . . . use it! USE THE FORCE!"
"The Force? What Force?"
"You know it . . . you know the Force you have. but what the heck, I can't speak in riddles forever! Here, let me help you! I'll give you MY Invisibility Cloak! Here you go! Hope I can see you soon, my little princess! Bye! Oh, and don't forget: USE THE FORCE!"
And then, the figure disappeared. Joanne wondered what Force her father meant, but then, she tried on the Invisibility Cloak. It worked perfect!
Real author: Hey everybody, I'm back in the mood to write my story! But . . . hey! What happened? What the . . . OH NO! IT'S YOU! GEORGE LUCAS! YOU GIT!
George Lucas: I'm sorry, I just thought . . .
Real author: YOU RUINED MY STORY! OUT! OUT!
George Lucas: Okay . . .
Real author: I'm sorry for this interruption, folks. Let's continue with the story.
That night, when every teacher was sleeping, Joanna got up, took her Invisibility Cloak and put it on. She walked out of the Dormitory on tiptoes and then went to the third floor, to the secret passage that lead to Hogsmeade! She was walking on the marble staircase, when suddenly she saw Snape sleepwalking! Joanna turned around and ran away from Snape. But then, she met Peeves the Poltergeist.
"Oof, lucky that everybody in this whole story is different than their character in my books", thought Joanna. "If my theory is right, Peeves isn't going to wake up the whole school!"
But alas; Peeves hissed: "I can hear you breathe, naughty little teacher!", and yelled: "SOMEBODY'S OUT OF BED AT MIDNIGHT!"
Joanna ran away as quickly as she could, but after a few seconds, the whole school (except for Lord Potter and McGonagall) was at the second floor. Joanna stood there, silent and trapped. There was no way she could go to Voldy now! McGonagall, wearing a pink night robe with "FLOWER POWER" written on it, said: "Okay dudes, everybody to bed, everybody to bed! Head Boy and Girl and Prefects: stand guard at the second floor and make sure the invisible dude can't escape! And now, I'll going to bed! See you in tha morning! Yeah, it's boogie night! Woohoo!"
And then, everybody went to bed.
Hours later, the Prefects were still standing guard at the second floor and Joanna was still trapped. Suddenly, she heard a loud noise coming from Dumbledore's office: "WOOOOOF! WOOOOOOF!" The Prefects jumped up and ran to Dumbledore's office. It was too late! Dumbledore probably got a heart attack and was dead now! Disappointed, Joanna left for the Dormitories to cry for her loss.
Lord Potter finally conquered Hogwarts.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
IS THIS THE END OF HOGWARTS AS WE KNOW IT?
NO!
There will be more chapters coming up.
Will Dumbledore get a heart attack?
Will Lord Potter rule Hogwarts and then conquer Canada?
Will Hermione get a role in the next Austin Powers movie?
Will Joanne loose her hair as Dumbledore predicted?
READ IT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!
Note: the real author, Samuel de Bie, is temporarily not in the mood to write this story. That's why I, GEORGE LUCAS, the creator of STAR WARS, will write it from here. Hope you'll like it!
Dear Voldy,
I'm now at Hogwarts. Lord Potter now has the House-Elves on his side. Tomorrow, he is going to show me one of his diabolical plans. Oh, by the way: I have managed to become Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and Head of Potterdor (the new name of Gryffindor). Now I can spy on little Potter even more! Hehe. So, how's it hanging with you?
Greetings, JK Rowling
Joanna checked the letter on grammar and gave it to a brown owl that just passed by and headed to the Teacher Dormitories. That night, no incidents happened, if you didn't count in a sleepwalking Snape or a snoring McGonagall.
After a good night sleep, Joanna woke up. She brushed her teeth and went to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts for the first time! She checked the "Big Book of Defence Against the Dark Arts Stuff for Teachers" for the last time and went into her classroom. After some minutes, the fifth year Potterdors and Slytherins came in.
"Hello class", said Joanna. "I'm your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! I'll start the lesson testing your basic knowledge! Tell me, Malfoy, what would you do if Lord Potter threatened you with his horrible, diabolical and EVIL curses?"
Malfoy gave a nervous look from Lord Potter to Joanna Scowling and said: "Er. I would cry and run to my father?" The Potterdors laughed.
"WRONG! Tell me, Crabbe, what would YOU do?"
Crabbe said: "Well, professor, you have in that a interesting question. However, we must look at every side of the situation. For instance, the climatologic and social situation we are in at that very moment! But, in the most cases, I would choose for the option Mr. Malfoy just gave us: Run away as quickly as I can and express my feelings of fear and traumatic experiences to my father and/or mother."
The Potterdors were cracked up.
"Er. okay, you have a point in that, Crabbe.", said Joanna astonished. Boy, teaching WAS harder than she thought. "But that's not the subject anyway! Not at all! The subject is. er." She thought for a moment. And then, she got a crazy idea. She said it before she realized it was a ridiculous thought. "What if we learned to do the lightsaber thingy from Star Wars with our wands?" Now, THAT interested the students. "Er. Usetheforcus!", tried Joanna. There came two bundles of red light out of her wand. "Wow", she thought, "I actually invented a spell!" It became a interesting lesson.
After four lessons of teaching students the "Usetheforcus"-spell, giving detentions to jerks and being very bossy, she saw Lord Potter.
"Now Scowling, that was a interesting lesson!", he said. "Your little Star Wars spell inspired me for a new evil weapon. MWAHAHA! Unfortunately, my last experiment didn't work. Maybe you heard the bang yesterday evening." He shook his head. "A pity. But what the heck, THIS weapon is much better! It can't fail! Follow me to the Potterdor Common Room, Scowling!"
They climbed through the portrait hole. The common room was empty, except for a big, black dog. Uh? It was Snuffles, best known as Sirius Black!
"I did some experiments and I came up with a new evil weapon. THE DEATH BARK! Sounds good, doesn't it, Scowling? Sometimes, I'm impressed by my own brilliant and evil mind! I'll let you see - or no, let you hear my weapon - Now, Snuffles!"
The dog barked. Only, it sounded a thousand times harder than normal!
"WOOOOOOF! WOOOOOOOOF! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!"
Joanna thought her ears would explode , when suddenly Snuffles stopped.
"Tonight, I will pay old Dumbledore a visit, and Snuffles will too. If I let my dear dog bark there, Dumbledore will probably get a heart attack. I'll say to McGonagall that I tried to rescue him, but that I was too late, and the old witch will believe me! Then, she will let me be Headmaster, and I'll turn this school into "Potterwarts School for Evil Crafts and Dark Magic! MWAHAHAHA!"
When he stopped, he gave a look to Joanna, and then, she also laughed. "Fine", he said. Now, I'll take a nap. I must be fit when I'm Head Master in a couple of hours. MWAHAHA!" He went to the dormitories. Now, Joanna had to be quick. She had to send Voldy Mort an owl, quickly! This was a disaster! She went looking for an owl, when suddenly, one dropped a letter at her feet. She took the bit of parchment and read:
Joanne,
I'll be coming to Hogsmeade today. You said Lord Potter was going to show you his diabolical plans, and I am so worried!
You told me the House-Elves are on his side! Oh no! That is perfectly terrible! Those lazy Elves have perfectly terrible powers! They are so bad! Oh my! That's not good! I am so worried!
Meet me at midnight in the Shrieking Shack. There, you can tell me everything! But best skip the bloody parts - I am a very sensitive man.
Love,
Voldy
Joanna threw the letter away. So, she had to visit the Shrieking Shack at midnight. But how? How could she sneak out the Teacher's Dormitories at that time? She didn't have a Invisibility Cloak . . .
Suddenly, in mid-air, a ghostly figure made of some sort of green light appeared. It said:
"Joanne . . . I am your father . . ."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Will you please shut up? You don't want everybody to hear you! You have a Force in you . . . use it! USE THE FORCE!"
"The Force? What Force?"
"You know it . . . you know the Force you have. but what the heck, I can't speak in riddles forever! Here, let me help you! I'll give you MY Invisibility Cloak! Here you go! Hope I can see you soon, my little princess! Bye! Oh, and don't forget: USE THE FORCE!"
And then, the figure disappeared. Joanne wondered what Force her father meant, but then, she tried on the Invisibility Cloak. It worked perfect!
Real author: Hey everybody, I'm back in the mood to write my story! But . . . hey! What happened? What the . . . OH NO! IT'S YOU! GEORGE LUCAS! YOU GIT!
George Lucas: I'm sorry, I just thought . . .
Real author: YOU RUINED MY STORY! OUT! OUT!
George Lucas: Okay . . .
Real author: I'm sorry for this interruption, folks. Let's continue with the story.
That night, when every teacher was sleeping, Joanna got up, took her Invisibility Cloak and put it on. She walked out of the Dormitory on tiptoes and then went to the third floor, to the secret passage that lead to Hogsmeade! She was walking on the marble staircase, when suddenly she saw Snape sleepwalking! Joanna turned around and ran away from Snape. But then, she met Peeves the Poltergeist.
"Oof, lucky that everybody in this whole story is different than their character in my books", thought Joanna. "If my theory is right, Peeves isn't going to wake up the whole school!"
But alas; Peeves hissed: "I can hear you breathe, naughty little teacher!", and yelled: "SOMEBODY'S OUT OF BED AT MIDNIGHT!"
Joanna ran away as quickly as she could, but after a few seconds, the whole school (except for Lord Potter and McGonagall) was at the second floor. Joanna stood there, silent and trapped. There was no way she could go to Voldy now! McGonagall, wearing a pink night robe with "FLOWER POWER" written on it, said: "Okay dudes, everybody to bed, everybody to bed! Head Boy and Girl and Prefects: stand guard at the second floor and make sure the invisible dude can't escape! And now, I'll going to bed! See you in tha morning! Yeah, it's boogie night! Woohoo!"
And then, everybody went to bed.
Hours later, the Prefects were still standing guard at the second floor and Joanna was still trapped. Suddenly, she heard a loud noise coming from Dumbledore's office: "WOOOOOF! WOOOOOOF!" The Prefects jumped up and ran to Dumbledore's office. It was too late! Dumbledore probably got a heart attack and was dead now! Disappointed, Joanna left for the Dormitories to cry for her loss.
Lord Potter finally conquered Hogwarts.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
IS THIS THE END OF HOGWARTS AS WE KNOW IT?
NO!
There will be more chapters coming up.
Will Dumbledore get a heart attack?
Will Lord Potter rule Hogwarts and then conquer Canada?
Will Hermione get a role in the next Austin Powers movie?
Will Joanne loose her hair as Dumbledore predicted?
READ IT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!