CHAPTER EIGHT: THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA!
8:00 AM Joanne's Dream Teacher Dormitories
Joanne is running to Dumbledore's office. Lord Potter is after her. Joanne tries to run very hard, but then, everything is going into SLOW-MOTION. Joanne is so slow that she's going backwards! "NOOOOOOOOOOOO", she shouts in her abnormally slow and low voice. "MWAHAHAHA!", laughs Lord Potter. She reaches to the door. . . but then . . . Dumbledore appears, changes into Snape, and then, a whole army of fluffy bunnies appears! "AAAAAAARGH!"
And then, Joanne woke up.
"Oh my god! What an awful dream!", she thought." "And that slow-motion effect was very ruddy indeed!" She tried to remember what happened in the dream, besides that stupid slow-motion effect. Lord Potter, Snape and a bunch of fluffy bunnies were in it, she remembered. And . . . Dumbledore. At the thought of him, she got tears in her eyes. He was dead. DEAD! "DEAD!", she shouted so hard that the whole school could hear.
8:05 AM Lord Potter's Evil Convention Potterdor Common Room
"What was that?", said Lord Potter. "How can I do my work when some idiots are screaming "DEAD, DEAD" all the time! I mean, it's kinda depressing! Well, back to my Evil Convention. I'm sorry to say that Operation Death Bark failed. When I came into Dumbly's office, he seemed to be listening to hip-hop music. Why, the idiot set his cd-player on the "20 million decibel"- mode! He couldn't even HEAR Snuffles barking! Poor Snuffly-Poo . . . he was so scared by the loud scary music that he had to be brought to a veterinarian. An EVIL veterinarian, that is."
Then, he became very angry. "I am SICK and TIRED of this! I HATE Dumbledore! I want him to DIE! Not even because I want to become Head Master, but only to see him DIE a most PAINFUL DEATH! And so I can LAUGH at him! LAUGH the most EVIL LAUGH I can think of! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! I am EVIL! I can rule the WORLD! But first, DUMBLEDORE has to DIE!"
He wanted to hit everything to pieces, but then, Hermione stood up and gave him a kiss. That calmed him down a bit. "Thank you, my - and Ron's, and Neville's, and Draco's - evil girlfriend . . . I needed that." They were quiet for a minute. "But WHAT THE HECK? It's no time to give up! Let's think of ANOTHER evil plan to KILL Dumbledore!"
After another minute of quietness, a unidentified evil henchman said: "Why don't you just GIVE UP! Face it, Lord! You tried conquering Hogwarts for five years and you didn't succeed once! I am sick of listening to your stupid evil plans! If you ever did the RIGHT THING and just GAVE UP, I could go home and be a happy family with my wife and kids!" Lord Potter immediately hit the "Kill Unidentified Evil Henchman" button on his desk. The Unidentified Evil Henchman fell through a trapdoor, and then, he screamed: "AAARGH! Please help me! This is painful! It's about 237 degrees down here! I am burning! And there are 3 angry alligators coming my way! They shall get to me in about 7 seconds! HELP ME! HELP ME!" "SHUT UP, UNIDENTIFIED EVIL HENCHMAN!", screamed Lord Potter. "My name is Mustafa!", shouted the henchman. "My former job was actor in the Austin Powers movies, but then, I decided to get an artist name! OH NO! There are the alligators! AAAARGH! AAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" And then, everything became quiet.
8:30 AM
After Breakfast Great Hall
Joanne stepped into the Great Hall. She looked around. She had overslept and missed the breakfast. Oh well, it was Saturday anyway. There was no one there, except . . .
"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!", shouted Joanne.
"Yup, that's me name, girlie", said Dumbledore. Joanne was so glad to see him that he gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Yeah baby!", said Dumbledore. "Okay, can we now go to the NEXT STEP, if you know what I mean, eh?" He winked. "Shut up, you freak", said Joanne, and she slapped Dumbledore on the face. No matter how worried she had been, she still found Dumbledore a great prat.
9:00 AM Voldy's Hide-Out The Shrieking Shack
"Where IS that girl?", said Voldy in frustration. He had been walking in circles for hours. "Some people just DON'T care about others . . . I said midnight . . . and it's now about 9 o'clock in the morning! Maybe she is angry with me . . . no, that couldn't be . . . I mean, I didn't do anything wrong to her, did I? Or maybe it was something I said that hurt her feelings . . . OH MY! That is SO AWFUL! If that's true, that means I have made someone cry, and then my reputation of ABSOLUTE GOOD BOY is KAPUT! My life is ruined!" He fell on his knees. "God! Please forgive me! HAVE MERCY!" He started crying.
And then, Joanne came bursting in. "Joanne! Please forgive me! Please have mercy! I made you cry and now I must pay!", cried Voldy. "What are you talking about?", said Joanne. "Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm late . . . but not much, I mean, it isn't like being 9 hours late is the end of the world!" Voldy became very angry. "LATE?! YOU MEAN IT WASN'T MY FAULT?! I WAS AFRAID MY REPUTATION WAS RUINED! AND NINE HOURS IS VERY MUCH! YOU MADE ME VERY ANGRY, GIRL! VERY ANGRY!"
Then, Joanne began to cry. Of course, this was all acting. She now knew Voldy's weak spot. "Oh no, Joanne, don't cry . . . I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings . . . it's not your fault that you're nine hours late! And nine hours isn't much! Please stop crying, Joanne! I can't stand to see women cry!" Joanne immediately stopped crying. "Okay, now that you have stopped crying, down to business!", said Voldy. "What do you know about Potter's evil schemes?" Joanne said: "Lord Potter had learned his dog to bark so loud that weaker people would loose conscience or get a heart attack at hearing this sound. He went to Dumbledore's office, but I think Dumbledore could stand the sound. I mean, he's used to loud noise, he goes to a rock concert every week!"
"Fine", said Voldy. "Do you know anything about any evil plans in construction?"
"No", said Joanne. "But I think he's out of ideas. I walked past the Potterdor Common Room a few minutes ago and I heard him screaming "This is too much for me! He has to die! Think of a plan, you bastards!"
"That's very good", said Voldy. "Now that Potter is finally out of ideas, I myself can conquer Hogwarts and turn it into "VOLDY'S FAIRY LAND"! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA!" Thunder struck. Voldy's face suddenly had something evil in it. "What's the matter with you?", asked Joanne. But he kept laughing evil. Suddenly, Joanne understood.
"You don't want to stop Lord Potter to be the good guy!", yelled Joanne. "You stop him because you want to conquer Hogwarts YOURSELF! You are EVIL!" Voldy stopped laughing, but he had a sort of wicked grin on his face. "Oh, I'm not especially EVIL", said Voldy. "I just want to make loads of money over the backs of naïve children! My history is far more complicated than you know, Miss Rowling. Let me tell you something.
Before I was defeated by that stupid little Potter boy, I was a very successful, handsome and especially RICH businessman. I had everything: looks, money and chicks! When I went to Las Vegas for the twenty-seventh time in two years, I met Lily Potter. She was my dream girl. Beautiful . . . sweet . . . and RICH AS HELL! I was obsessed with her. I wanted to marry her and become happy and even more rich than I was. But then, that James Potter guy came. I didn't know what Lily saw in that idiot. He was ugly and average. His monthly income was, like, ten times less than mine! And still, Lily seemed to like the idiot. And then, I did the most stupid thing in my life. I went to a surgeon for a facelift, only to correct my eyebrows, the only thing of me that wasn't perfect. How could I know that the bloody surgeon was a Russian Mafioso without a doctor's license? He was the one that made me ugly . . . when Lily saw me like this, she immediately made her choice. She married James Potter two weeks after my operation. My life was ruined. I'm glad she still let me in her house, I mean, not many people want a total freak visiting their house!
And you what happened next. When baby Harry was born, I went to visit them. Not because I wanted to - the thought of Lily having a baby with somebody else than me was awful - but because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But then, Harry bit me and James cursed me, because he thought that I wanted to scare the bloody baby. I lost everything - my body and my money. From then, I decided to make the best of my life - to become a good, children-loving guy, even though I barely existed. But when I heard that Harry Potter had come to Hogwarts, I wanted to take revenge. To beat him. To be better than him. To be better than a Potter! I won the battle every single time. And now, I am going to win the war. I'm going to conquer Hogwarts and become rich once again. Richer than Harry Potter! Better than Harry Potter! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! And NOBODY is going to stop me!"
But then, suddenly, a bouncing ferret bounced against Voldy's head. He fell on the ground, knocked out. At the shock, the bouncing ferret changed into . . . "DUDLEY!" Yes, there, lying next to Voldy, was Dudley Dursley. "Where am I? Who are you?", he asked to Joanne. "I'm Joanne Rowling, ex-spy of Lord Potter and Voldy Mort. You saved me, Dudley! But . . . how did you get here? And how did you change into a bouncing ferret?"
Dudley said: "Boy, Miss Rowling, I'm sorry to say, but you have a bad memory! Don't you even remember that, at the beginning of the story, my cousin Harry Potter got mad at me and changed me into a bouncing ferret? Well, you'll remember when you read Chapter Two again." Joanne didn't know what Dudley meant with "Chapter Two", but she decided not to ask. However, she did know that she had to save the Wizarding World alone, and not as Voldy's spy.
And then, Voldy awoke. "I'll be back", he said low and slowly, more in a robotic way, but Joanne kicked him against the head, so that he was knocked out once again.
I know, I know, you had to wait VERY LONG for this chapter, but here it is! Hope you enjoyed it. It's getting more and more bizarre humor in it! I hope not to bizarre for you. Okay, enough talking, please HIT THE REVIEW BUTTON! I'm not taking the funny lines from Austin Powers, Star Wars or Terminator for nothing!
8:00 AM Joanne's Dream Teacher Dormitories
Joanne is running to Dumbledore's office. Lord Potter is after her. Joanne tries to run very hard, but then, everything is going into SLOW-MOTION. Joanne is so slow that she's going backwards! "NOOOOOOOOOOOO", she shouts in her abnormally slow and low voice. "MWAHAHAHA!", laughs Lord Potter. She reaches to the door. . . but then . . . Dumbledore appears, changes into Snape, and then, a whole army of fluffy bunnies appears! "AAAAAAARGH!"
And then, Joanne woke up.
"Oh my god! What an awful dream!", she thought." "And that slow-motion effect was very ruddy indeed!" She tried to remember what happened in the dream, besides that stupid slow-motion effect. Lord Potter, Snape and a bunch of fluffy bunnies were in it, she remembered. And . . . Dumbledore. At the thought of him, she got tears in her eyes. He was dead. DEAD! "DEAD!", she shouted so hard that the whole school could hear.
8:05 AM Lord Potter's Evil Convention Potterdor Common Room
"What was that?", said Lord Potter. "How can I do my work when some idiots are screaming "DEAD, DEAD" all the time! I mean, it's kinda depressing! Well, back to my Evil Convention. I'm sorry to say that Operation Death Bark failed. When I came into Dumbly's office, he seemed to be listening to hip-hop music. Why, the idiot set his cd-player on the "20 million decibel"- mode! He couldn't even HEAR Snuffles barking! Poor Snuffly-Poo . . . he was so scared by the loud scary music that he had to be brought to a veterinarian. An EVIL veterinarian, that is."
Then, he became very angry. "I am SICK and TIRED of this! I HATE Dumbledore! I want him to DIE! Not even because I want to become Head Master, but only to see him DIE a most PAINFUL DEATH! And so I can LAUGH at him! LAUGH the most EVIL LAUGH I can think of! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! I am EVIL! I can rule the WORLD! But first, DUMBLEDORE has to DIE!"
He wanted to hit everything to pieces, but then, Hermione stood up and gave him a kiss. That calmed him down a bit. "Thank you, my - and Ron's, and Neville's, and Draco's - evil girlfriend . . . I needed that." They were quiet for a minute. "But WHAT THE HECK? It's no time to give up! Let's think of ANOTHER evil plan to KILL Dumbledore!"
After another minute of quietness, a unidentified evil henchman said: "Why don't you just GIVE UP! Face it, Lord! You tried conquering Hogwarts for five years and you didn't succeed once! I am sick of listening to your stupid evil plans! If you ever did the RIGHT THING and just GAVE UP, I could go home and be a happy family with my wife and kids!" Lord Potter immediately hit the "Kill Unidentified Evil Henchman" button on his desk. The Unidentified Evil Henchman fell through a trapdoor, and then, he screamed: "AAARGH! Please help me! This is painful! It's about 237 degrees down here! I am burning! And there are 3 angry alligators coming my way! They shall get to me in about 7 seconds! HELP ME! HELP ME!" "SHUT UP, UNIDENTIFIED EVIL HENCHMAN!", screamed Lord Potter. "My name is Mustafa!", shouted the henchman. "My former job was actor in the Austin Powers movies, but then, I decided to get an artist name! OH NO! There are the alligators! AAAARGH! AAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" And then, everything became quiet.
8:30 AM
After Breakfast Great Hall
Joanne stepped into the Great Hall. She looked around. She had overslept and missed the breakfast. Oh well, it was Saturday anyway. There was no one there, except . . .
"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!", shouted Joanne.
"Yup, that's me name, girlie", said Dumbledore. Joanne was so glad to see him that he gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Yeah baby!", said Dumbledore. "Okay, can we now go to the NEXT STEP, if you know what I mean, eh?" He winked. "Shut up, you freak", said Joanne, and she slapped Dumbledore on the face. No matter how worried she had been, she still found Dumbledore a great prat.
9:00 AM Voldy's Hide-Out The Shrieking Shack
"Where IS that girl?", said Voldy in frustration. He had been walking in circles for hours. "Some people just DON'T care about others . . . I said midnight . . . and it's now about 9 o'clock in the morning! Maybe she is angry with me . . . no, that couldn't be . . . I mean, I didn't do anything wrong to her, did I? Or maybe it was something I said that hurt her feelings . . . OH MY! That is SO AWFUL! If that's true, that means I have made someone cry, and then my reputation of ABSOLUTE GOOD BOY is KAPUT! My life is ruined!" He fell on his knees. "God! Please forgive me! HAVE MERCY!" He started crying.
And then, Joanne came bursting in. "Joanne! Please forgive me! Please have mercy! I made you cry and now I must pay!", cried Voldy. "What are you talking about?", said Joanne. "Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm late . . . but not much, I mean, it isn't like being 9 hours late is the end of the world!" Voldy became very angry. "LATE?! YOU MEAN IT WASN'T MY FAULT?! I WAS AFRAID MY REPUTATION WAS RUINED! AND NINE HOURS IS VERY MUCH! YOU MADE ME VERY ANGRY, GIRL! VERY ANGRY!"
Then, Joanne began to cry. Of course, this was all acting. She now knew Voldy's weak spot. "Oh no, Joanne, don't cry . . . I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings . . . it's not your fault that you're nine hours late! And nine hours isn't much! Please stop crying, Joanne! I can't stand to see women cry!" Joanne immediately stopped crying. "Okay, now that you have stopped crying, down to business!", said Voldy. "What do you know about Potter's evil schemes?" Joanne said: "Lord Potter had learned his dog to bark so loud that weaker people would loose conscience or get a heart attack at hearing this sound. He went to Dumbledore's office, but I think Dumbledore could stand the sound. I mean, he's used to loud noise, he goes to a rock concert every week!"
"Fine", said Voldy. "Do you know anything about any evil plans in construction?"
"No", said Joanne. "But I think he's out of ideas. I walked past the Potterdor Common Room a few minutes ago and I heard him screaming "This is too much for me! He has to die! Think of a plan, you bastards!"
"That's very good", said Voldy. "Now that Potter is finally out of ideas, I myself can conquer Hogwarts and turn it into "VOLDY'S FAIRY LAND"! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA!" Thunder struck. Voldy's face suddenly had something evil in it. "What's the matter with you?", asked Joanne. But he kept laughing evil. Suddenly, Joanne understood.
"You don't want to stop Lord Potter to be the good guy!", yelled Joanne. "You stop him because you want to conquer Hogwarts YOURSELF! You are EVIL!" Voldy stopped laughing, but he had a sort of wicked grin on his face. "Oh, I'm not especially EVIL", said Voldy. "I just want to make loads of money over the backs of naïve children! My history is far more complicated than you know, Miss Rowling. Let me tell you something.
Before I was defeated by that stupid little Potter boy, I was a very successful, handsome and especially RICH businessman. I had everything: looks, money and chicks! When I went to Las Vegas for the twenty-seventh time in two years, I met Lily Potter. She was my dream girl. Beautiful . . . sweet . . . and RICH AS HELL! I was obsessed with her. I wanted to marry her and become happy and even more rich than I was. But then, that James Potter guy came. I didn't know what Lily saw in that idiot. He was ugly and average. His monthly income was, like, ten times less than mine! And still, Lily seemed to like the idiot. And then, I did the most stupid thing in my life. I went to a surgeon for a facelift, only to correct my eyebrows, the only thing of me that wasn't perfect. How could I know that the bloody surgeon was a Russian Mafioso without a doctor's license? He was the one that made me ugly . . . when Lily saw me like this, she immediately made her choice. She married James Potter two weeks after my operation. My life was ruined. I'm glad she still let me in her house, I mean, not many people want a total freak visiting their house!
And you what happened next. When baby Harry was born, I went to visit them. Not because I wanted to - the thought of Lily having a baby with somebody else than me was awful - but because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But then, Harry bit me and James cursed me, because he thought that I wanted to scare the bloody baby. I lost everything - my body and my money. From then, I decided to make the best of my life - to become a good, children-loving guy, even though I barely existed. But when I heard that Harry Potter had come to Hogwarts, I wanted to take revenge. To beat him. To be better than him. To be better than a Potter! I won the battle every single time. And now, I am going to win the war. I'm going to conquer Hogwarts and become rich once again. Richer than Harry Potter! Better than Harry Potter! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! And NOBODY is going to stop me!"
But then, suddenly, a bouncing ferret bounced against Voldy's head. He fell on the ground, knocked out. At the shock, the bouncing ferret changed into . . . "DUDLEY!" Yes, there, lying next to Voldy, was Dudley Dursley. "Where am I? Who are you?", he asked to Joanne. "I'm Joanne Rowling, ex-spy of Lord Potter and Voldy Mort. You saved me, Dudley! But . . . how did you get here? And how did you change into a bouncing ferret?"
Dudley said: "Boy, Miss Rowling, I'm sorry to say, but you have a bad memory! Don't you even remember that, at the beginning of the story, my cousin Harry Potter got mad at me and changed me into a bouncing ferret? Well, you'll remember when you read Chapter Two again." Joanne didn't know what Dudley meant with "Chapter Two", but she decided not to ask. However, she did know that she had to save the Wizarding World alone, and not as Voldy's spy.
And then, Voldy awoke. "I'll be back", he said low and slowly, more in a robotic way, but Joanne kicked him against the head, so that he was knocked out once again.
I know, I know, you had to wait VERY LONG for this chapter, but here it is! Hope you enjoyed it. It's getting more and more bizarre humor in it! I hope not to bizarre for you. Okay, enough talking, please HIT THE REVIEW BUTTON! I'm not taking the funny lines from Austin Powers, Star Wars or Terminator for nothing!