How could this be? NOBODY reviewed chapter 10! My MASTERPIECE! The chapter
in which Lord Potter makes a joke about LORD OF THE RINGS! You sick people!
Just kidding, dear friends. You are not sick. I am. But ANYWAYZ! Let's get this on with. Time for CHAPTER ELEVEN!
CHAPTER 11: IT'S BATTLIN' TIME!
02:30 PM
Potterdor Common Room.
Joanne stood in the Potterdor Common Room. She had failed. Lord Potter was gone, probably mobilizing his Evil Army of Doom, and there was no Fatboy Dudley who could do the dirty work for her now. "I failed", said Joanne. "I failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed."
A WEEK LATER
POTTERDOR COMMON ROOM
"Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed."
"You can stop it now", said Hermione.
"Eh?", said Joanne. She looked around. "What am I doing here?"
"You were just standing there and saying 'Failed, failed' all the time."
"HOLY CRAP!", said Joanne. "What am I doing? I must save the world from Lord Potter and his Evil Army of Doom!"
"Oh, then you can be just on time", said Hermione. "The battle is going to start. Everyone has mobilized his army."
"Then I am on my way", said Joanne. "Goodbye, Hermione. I'm off saving the world, for I am SUPER JO, fighter of all Evil! SUPER JO!" She flew away, leaving Hermione in the Common Room. "Hey, I never knew she could fly", she said. "Oh well." She lay down to take her beauty sleep.
03:00 PM
THE BATTLEFIELD
GREAT HALL
It was deadly silent in the Great Hall. Everything stood there, seeming quiet and normal. But it wasn't. For, in a few minutes, a historic battle was going to begin.
And there, in a dark corner, were hiding two mysterious but heroic figures. "Shh", said Knight Weasley. "Thy must be quiet, me mates. We're going to face doom in only a few minutes. To be or not to be, that is the question."
"Please stop talking like that", said Seamus Finnigan, his fellow soldier. "I am sick of hearing you saying 'Thy' and other Shakespeare-ish things like that. We're not living in the eleventh century anymore, you know."
"Okay, okay, don't nag", said Knight Weasley. "I was just doing that for some dramatic effect. Sheesh. It's a free country, you know. You don't have to be so RUDE and MEAN."
"By the way, where are the other soldiers? You're not saying that only us two are forming the whole army!", said Seamus.
"Of course not", said Ron, the Heroic Knight. "I'm expecting more soldiers to come. I have connections, you know. When I was a friend of Lord Potter, I made some friends in Middle-Earth. Legolas and his Elfish Cronies are coming to fight with us, along with Bob the Builder and Spiderman. Don't ask why they are in the story. They just are."
"Just something for you, Ron, to make this fic deteriorate in some lousy crossover", said Seamus.
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A GROOVY PLACE
"And a groovy place it is, dude! Yeah baby, yeah!! Very shag-a-delic!", said Neville Longbottom in a Austin Powers-ish style. He was surrounded by his army of Veelas, Cheerleaders, Screaming Fangirls and some bodyguards, including Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme. He jumped of the stage and said: "Let's get to the battlefield, ladies and dudes! Let's KICK some BUTTS!" They danced away on a totally HIP, GROOVY and SHAG-A-DELIC beat, followed by an army of pink wabbits. Don't ask.
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A EVIL PLACE
"Muahahaha!", laughed Lord Potter from his Volcano Lair. He sat in a very EVIL chair, surrounded by his EVIL friends. "Our Evil Army of Doom is surely going to win the battle, my friends! Alone, we accomplished nothing, but together, we'll do extraordinary things!"
"Hey, that's my line!", said Voldy.
"I'm sorry, Voldy", said Lord Potter. "Let's check the list. Say 'yes' if I call your name. Voldy Mort?" "Yes."
"Sauron?" "Yes", said a demonic floating eyeball.
"Mister Evil?" "It's Doctor Evil, idiot!", said a bald guy. "I haven't spend 9 years studying EVIL MEDICINES to become a friggin' MISTER!"
"I'm sorry, Doc. Darth Vader?" "Yup", said a masked guy. He breathed very loudly. Lord Potter gave him a weird look and paused for a minute.
"Oookay . . . it seems that we're all here", said Lord Potter. "The five most feared Evil Masterminds in the entire universe! Our Evil Army of Doom includes the most horrid creatures that ever existed; Orcs and Other Evil Demons from our friend Sauron, Mutated Sharks With Laserguns Attached To Their Heads from Doctor Evil, Some Vague But Very Evil Aliens from Darth and a few diabolical BEEF EATERS from me and Voldy. By the way, Voldy, don't you think we should change 'Beef' into 'Death'? That sounds more EVIL, you know."
"Nah, I think I like 'Beef Eaters' better", said Voldy.
"Whatever", said Lord Potter. "I think that we can begin with our 'Evil Laugh Session' for today. Let me think of an EVIL SENTENCE that makes us LAUGH. Okay, here we go. AHUM: We will first win the war, then we'll conquer Hogwarts and of course Mongolia, and after that. . ." He paused dramatically and raised his finger to his mouth. "THE UNIVERSE!"
And then, Lord Potter, Voldy, Sauron, Doctor Evil and Darth Vader cackled evilly. "Muahahaha! Muahahaha! MUAHAHAHA!" Thunder struck. Doom spread everywhere. All hope was lost. "Oh, by the way, Harry", said Doctor Evil, "The 'Raise-the-finger'-thingy is MY idea." "Gee, I'm sorry, Doc! Wait, let's start it over again." He folded his hands in a way that was completely original and especially EVIL and FRIGHTENING and said: "THE UNIVERSE!" Evil laughing erupted again, followed by another struck of thunder. It was scary.
04:00 PM
HOGWARTS CORRIDORS
Super Jo was flying to the Great Hall, thinking of a strategy to defeat the 'Evil Army of Doom', even though she had absolutely no idea what to do. Hopeless as she was, she decided to do what her father had said, although that she had NO clue what he ACTUALLY had meant and that he was an old NUT!
She was praying for help, when suddenly, on the floor, fell a black, mysterious book, surrounded by fog and mist. Intrigued by this, she took it and blew the fog away. On the dark cover stood, written in pretty shining letters: "JK ROWLING AND THE FREAKED OUT WIZARDS". "Weird", thought Joanne. "I wonder where that came from."
And somewhere else, in a deep, dark pit of evilness, sat the author of this story at his computer, grinning knowingly. "Keep wondering, Jo, 'cause you'll never know! Nobody will, except me, the ALL KNOWING AUTHOR! MUAHAHAHA!"
"Hey, you'd make a good evil lord", said Lord Potter.
"Yeah, whatever", said the All Knowing Author, and he continued writing his story.
BACK TO JOANNE
Joanne was reading the mysterious, foggy book in interest.
'Our story begins in a beautiful mansion somewhere in Great Britain. In this mansion, the famous author J.K. Rowling is happily writing book 5 of her Harry Potter series. But IS she REALLY writing? Let's go inside . . .'
"Mmm, pretty interesting . . ."
'She was thinking of her great period of wealth, when suddenly a man in a black robe and hood appeared from the dark shadows.'
"Is it me or am I having a déjà-vu?"
'The man did his hood off. JK Rowling screamed. "I . . .", the man said dramatically, ". . . am Lord Voldemort!"'
"HOLY CRAP!", she screamed. "This REALLY happened! I met Voldy right after I burned my beautiful mansion!" Her eyes got watery at the thought of her mansion. "But . . . how did this book get here? Is it some sort of clue or something?" She paused a minute. "Wait . . .", she said. "I know! My FATHER sent this book! He wants to help me! Maybe if I read this book, I know how to stop Lord Potter! Thank you, Dad!"
BACK IN THE DARK PIT OF EVILNESS, AKA THE AUTHOR'S HOME
"What's about the Dad thing?!", yelled the author. "Don't you see it was ME, the ALL KNOWING AUTHOR, who decided to help you? Do you think that lazy good-for-nothing father of you would actually DO something for you? Honestly! Or don't you remember the day you graduated?
(There is a flashback scene, in which we see Joanne graduate from the "University of Geniuses" and saying: "This is of course all thanks to my father, who was always there for me! Dad, will you please stand up and give a bow?" But then, we will get a shot of Joanne's father's chair, with a sign on it reading: "Reserved for Mr. Rowling". Everybody will LAUGH at her and be MEAN for absolutely NO reason and then we will see Joanne almost bursting into tears. This idea is of course stolen from Austin Powers in Goldmember.)
BACK TO JOANNE
Joanne, not aware of the fact that the Evil Author just showed an embarrassing fragment of her life to various people containing Rita Skeeter, continued reading in the book, searching for some kind of clue.
When she came to chapter 5, she yelled: "EUREKA! I found the clue! I am so smart! I'm totally going to kick Lord Potter's butt!" and left the readers of this story in confusion.
THE END . . . OF THIS CHAPTER.
In the next chapter, we will see four powerful armies battle for some odd reason that everyone has forgot by now! But before that, the Evil Author needs some REVIEWS. Here I go: "Please review, my dearest friend! Look, I have puppy eyes! I don't have a life! I NEED reviews! SO HIT THE FRIGGIN' BUTTON!
Just kidding, dear friends. You are not sick. I am. But ANYWAYZ! Let's get this on with. Time for CHAPTER ELEVEN!
CHAPTER 11: IT'S BATTLIN' TIME!
02:30 PM
Potterdor Common Room.
Joanne stood in the Potterdor Common Room. She had failed. Lord Potter was gone, probably mobilizing his Evil Army of Doom, and there was no Fatboy Dudley who could do the dirty work for her now. "I failed", said Joanne. "I failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed."
A WEEK LATER
POTTERDOR COMMON ROOM
"Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed."
"You can stop it now", said Hermione.
"Eh?", said Joanne. She looked around. "What am I doing here?"
"You were just standing there and saying 'Failed, failed' all the time."
"HOLY CRAP!", said Joanne. "What am I doing? I must save the world from Lord Potter and his Evil Army of Doom!"
"Oh, then you can be just on time", said Hermione. "The battle is going to start. Everyone has mobilized his army."
"Then I am on my way", said Joanne. "Goodbye, Hermione. I'm off saving the world, for I am SUPER JO, fighter of all Evil! SUPER JO!" She flew away, leaving Hermione in the Common Room. "Hey, I never knew she could fly", she said. "Oh well." She lay down to take her beauty sleep.
03:00 PM
THE BATTLEFIELD
GREAT HALL
It was deadly silent in the Great Hall. Everything stood there, seeming quiet and normal. But it wasn't. For, in a few minutes, a historic battle was going to begin.
And there, in a dark corner, were hiding two mysterious but heroic figures. "Shh", said Knight Weasley. "Thy must be quiet, me mates. We're going to face doom in only a few minutes. To be or not to be, that is the question."
"Please stop talking like that", said Seamus Finnigan, his fellow soldier. "I am sick of hearing you saying 'Thy' and other Shakespeare-ish things like that. We're not living in the eleventh century anymore, you know."
"Okay, okay, don't nag", said Knight Weasley. "I was just doing that for some dramatic effect. Sheesh. It's a free country, you know. You don't have to be so RUDE and MEAN."
"By the way, where are the other soldiers? You're not saying that only us two are forming the whole army!", said Seamus.
"Of course not", said Ron, the Heroic Knight. "I'm expecting more soldiers to come. I have connections, you know. When I was a friend of Lord Potter, I made some friends in Middle-Earth. Legolas and his Elfish Cronies are coming to fight with us, along with Bob the Builder and Spiderman. Don't ask why they are in the story. They just are."
"Just something for you, Ron, to make this fic deteriorate in some lousy crossover", said Seamus.
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A GROOVY PLACE
"And a groovy place it is, dude! Yeah baby, yeah!! Very shag-a-delic!", said Neville Longbottom in a Austin Powers-ish style. He was surrounded by his army of Veelas, Cheerleaders, Screaming Fangirls and some bodyguards, including Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme. He jumped of the stage and said: "Let's get to the battlefield, ladies and dudes! Let's KICK some BUTTS!" They danced away on a totally HIP, GROOVY and SHAG-A-DELIC beat, followed by an army of pink wabbits. Don't ask.
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A EVIL PLACE
"Muahahaha!", laughed Lord Potter from his Volcano Lair. He sat in a very EVIL chair, surrounded by his EVIL friends. "Our Evil Army of Doom is surely going to win the battle, my friends! Alone, we accomplished nothing, but together, we'll do extraordinary things!"
"Hey, that's my line!", said Voldy.
"I'm sorry, Voldy", said Lord Potter. "Let's check the list. Say 'yes' if I call your name. Voldy Mort?" "Yes."
"Sauron?" "Yes", said a demonic floating eyeball.
"Mister Evil?" "It's Doctor Evil, idiot!", said a bald guy. "I haven't spend 9 years studying EVIL MEDICINES to become a friggin' MISTER!"
"I'm sorry, Doc. Darth Vader?" "Yup", said a masked guy. He breathed very loudly. Lord Potter gave him a weird look and paused for a minute.
"Oookay . . . it seems that we're all here", said Lord Potter. "The five most feared Evil Masterminds in the entire universe! Our Evil Army of Doom includes the most horrid creatures that ever existed; Orcs and Other Evil Demons from our friend Sauron, Mutated Sharks With Laserguns Attached To Their Heads from Doctor Evil, Some Vague But Very Evil Aliens from Darth and a few diabolical BEEF EATERS from me and Voldy. By the way, Voldy, don't you think we should change 'Beef' into 'Death'? That sounds more EVIL, you know."
"Nah, I think I like 'Beef Eaters' better", said Voldy.
"Whatever", said Lord Potter. "I think that we can begin with our 'Evil Laugh Session' for today. Let me think of an EVIL SENTENCE that makes us LAUGH. Okay, here we go. AHUM: We will first win the war, then we'll conquer Hogwarts and of course Mongolia, and after that. . ." He paused dramatically and raised his finger to his mouth. "THE UNIVERSE!"
And then, Lord Potter, Voldy, Sauron, Doctor Evil and Darth Vader cackled evilly. "Muahahaha! Muahahaha! MUAHAHAHA!" Thunder struck. Doom spread everywhere. All hope was lost. "Oh, by the way, Harry", said Doctor Evil, "The 'Raise-the-finger'-thingy is MY idea." "Gee, I'm sorry, Doc! Wait, let's start it over again." He folded his hands in a way that was completely original and especially EVIL and FRIGHTENING and said: "THE UNIVERSE!" Evil laughing erupted again, followed by another struck of thunder. It was scary.
04:00 PM
HOGWARTS CORRIDORS
Super Jo was flying to the Great Hall, thinking of a strategy to defeat the 'Evil Army of Doom', even though she had absolutely no idea what to do. Hopeless as she was, she decided to do what her father had said, although that she had NO clue what he ACTUALLY had meant and that he was an old NUT!
She was praying for help, when suddenly, on the floor, fell a black, mysterious book, surrounded by fog and mist. Intrigued by this, she took it and blew the fog away. On the dark cover stood, written in pretty shining letters: "JK ROWLING AND THE FREAKED OUT WIZARDS". "Weird", thought Joanne. "I wonder where that came from."
And somewhere else, in a deep, dark pit of evilness, sat the author of this story at his computer, grinning knowingly. "Keep wondering, Jo, 'cause you'll never know! Nobody will, except me, the ALL KNOWING AUTHOR! MUAHAHAHA!"
"Hey, you'd make a good evil lord", said Lord Potter.
"Yeah, whatever", said the All Knowing Author, and he continued writing his story.
BACK TO JOANNE
Joanne was reading the mysterious, foggy book in interest.
'Our story begins in a beautiful mansion somewhere in Great Britain. In this mansion, the famous author J.K. Rowling is happily writing book 5 of her Harry Potter series. But IS she REALLY writing? Let's go inside . . .'
"Mmm, pretty interesting . . ."
'She was thinking of her great period of wealth, when suddenly a man in a black robe and hood appeared from the dark shadows.'
"Is it me or am I having a déjà-vu?"
'The man did his hood off. JK Rowling screamed. "I . . .", the man said dramatically, ". . . am Lord Voldemort!"'
"HOLY CRAP!", she screamed. "This REALLY happened! I met Voldy right after I burned my beautiful mansion!" Her eyes got watery at the thought of her mansion. "But . . . how did this book get here? Is it some sort of clue or something?" She paused a minute. "Wait . . .", she said. "I know! My FATHER sent this book! He wants to help me! Maybe if I read this book, I know how to stop Lord Potter! Thank you, Dad!"
BACK IN THE DARK PIT OF EVILNESS, AKA THE AUTHOR'S HOME
"What's about the Dad thing?!", yelled the author. "Don't you see it was ME, the ALL KNOWING AUTHOR, who decided to help you? Do you think that lazy good-for-nothing father of you would actually DO something for you? Honestly! Or don't you remember the day you graduated?
(There is a flashback scene, in which we see Joanne graduate from the "University of Geniuses" and saying: "This is of course all thanks to my father, who was always there for me! Dad, will you please stand up and give a bow?" But then, we will get a shot of Joanne's father's chair, with a sign on it reading: "Reserved for Mr. Rowling". Everybody will LAUGH at her and be MEAN for absolutely NO reason and then we will see Joanne almost bursting into tears. This idea is of course stolen from Austin Powers in Goldmember.)
BACK TO JOANNE
Joanne, not aware of the fact that the Evil Author just showed an embarrassing fragment of her life to various people containing Rita Skeeter, continued reading in the book, searching for some kind of clue.
When she came to chapter 5, she yelled: "EUREKA! I found the clue! I am so smart! I'm totally going to kick Lord Potter's butt!" and left the readers of this story in confusion.
THE END . . . OF THIS CHAPTER.
In the next chapter, we will see four powerful armies battle for some odd reason that everyone has forgot by now! But before that, the Evil Author needs some REVIEWS. Here I go: "Please review, my dearest friend! Look, I have puppy eyes! I don't have a life! I NEED reviews! SO HIT THE FRIGGIN' BUTTON!