I'm hiding, I'm hiding, and no one knows where.
I am big and small
I am strong as an ox,
Yet weak as a kitten.
I am the picture of calm
Yet I am TERRIFIED!!
It's not that good is it? Oh well I wasn't trying to be Dickinson or Coleridge; I've just been scribbling phrases that come to mind onto a legal pad.
My hands have been twitching for hours; I haven't felt this unhinged since Papa died. When he died, it felt like the sky had fallen on my head; I thought for certain I would soon join him. My entire body was quivering like someone lost in the Artic without a coat and my heart was thumping so loud I couldn't hear anything else. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die.
Okay, I'll admit it since no one will ever know: I'm a serious control- freak and a hideous workaholic. I can't relax for one minute; even when I have some spare time I have to be doing something. I can't sit still. I keep my nose and ear to the grindstone and for some reason I can survive like that. Even my fellow performers are surprised by how many hours I put into practice.
Unfortunately every now and then, I careen down a hill and get derailed. I remember one audition.I was pacing back and forth, my palms were sweating.my heart was thumping like a kettle drum.All of a sudden, the entire Earth seemed so Huge and I seemed so small; all the other people in line seemed as big as skyscrapers. I thought for certain that I was going to die.my clock had wound down. When the doors finally open, I froze. My trapeze was all rigged up, the judges sat at their table waiting, and I simply couldn't move. Finally I started crying. I started wailing and wailing and I couldn't stop. I was crying so bad I thought I would drown myself and everyone in the theater. I felt so naked and filthy and ashamed for being such an incredibly stupid baby that I froze even more. I stood in the center of the room bawling until someone escorted me out. He suggested I seek mental help.
I didn't; I was afraid of ending up in prison. I went to my home in Quebec and spent several weeks hiding out, emerging only during the late hours to buy food.
When I finally left my hiding place; I was a total wreck. I had wearing the same filthy coffee-stained t-shirt I had worn for the past week, I had dark circles under my eyes from crying so much, and despite a steady diet of coffee and ice cream, I had lost ten pounds so my clothes hung off me. You can't imagine how scared I was first time I took the trapeze bar in my hands.
Kind of gives you another perspective on the Angel of the Sky. You never suspected I was such an anxiety-ridden buffoon. Well that's because I am one hell of a good actress. All circus performers are good actors. That's because in their performances, they not only have to do it right but they must make it look easy at the same time.
Well I am a great actress. I am the perfect, graceful Barbie-doll with no problems whatsoever. I wouldn't know a problem if it walked up and bit me on the ass!
Sorry I've been on edge since the invaders arrived. They been poking around everywhere; I've been in my trailer the entire time, praying that they don't ask me anything. I've been trying to keep up practice because Carlos says if one becomes too idle, the body begins to forget all it has been taught.
If this anxiety spell finally proves to be the end, here are my specifications. I would like to be laid to rest next to my father in Canada and I want this memo pad burned. You will find what you are looking for in my scrapbook under my bed.
I am big and small
I am strong as an ox,
Yet weak as a kitten.
I am the picture of calm
Yet I am TERRIFIED!!
It's not that good is it? Oh well I wasn't trying to be Dickinson or Coleridge; I've just been scribbling phrases that come to mind onto a legal pad.
My hands have been twitching for hours; I haven't felt this unhinged since Papa died. When he died, it felt like the sky had fallen on my head; I thought for certain I would soon join him. My entire body was quivering like someone lost in the Artic without a coat and my heart was thumping so loud I couldn't hear anything else. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die.
Okay, I'll admit it since no one will ever know: I'm a serious control- freak and a hideous workaholic. I can't relax for one minute; even when I have some spare time I have to be doing something. I can't sit still. I keep my nose and ear to the grindstone and for some reason I can survive like that. Even my fellow performers are surprised by how many hours I put into practice.
Unfortunately every now and then, I careen down a hill and get derailed. I remember one audition.I was pacing back and forth, my palms were sweating.my heart was thumping like a kettle drum.All of a sudden, the entire Earth seemed so Huge and I seemed so small; all the other people in line seemed as big as skyscrapers. I thought for certain that I was going to die.my clock had wound down. When the doors finally open, I froze. My trapeze was all rigged up, the judges sat at their table waiting, and I simply couldn't move. Finally I started crying. I started wailing and wailing and I couldn't stop. I was crying so bad I thought I would drown myself and everyone in the theater. I felt so naked and filthy and ashamed for being such an incredibly stupid baby that I froze even more. I stood in the center of the room bawling until someone escorted me out. He suggested I seek mental help.
I didn't; I was afraid of ending up in prison. I went to my home in Quebec and spent several weeks hiding out, emerging only during the late hours to buy food.
When I finally left my hiding place; I was a total wreck. I had wearing the same filthy coffee-stained t-shirt I had worn for the past week, I had dark circles under my eyes from crying so much, and despite a steady diet of coffee and ice cream, I had lost ten pounds so my clothes hung off me. You can't imagine how scared I was first time I took the trapeze bar in my hands.
Kind of gives you another perspective on the Angel of the Sky. You never suspected I was such an anxiety-ridden buffoon. Well that's because I am one hell of a good actress. All circus performers are good actors. That's because in their performances, they not only have to do it right but they must make it look easy at the same time.
Well I am a great actress. I am the perfect, graceful Barbie-doll with no problems whatsoever. I wouldn't know a problem if it walked up and bit me on the ass!
Sorry I've been on edge since the invaders arrived. They been poking around everywhere; I've been in my trailer the entire time, praying that they don't ask me anything. I've been trying to keep up practice because Carlos says if one becomes too idle, the body begins to forget all it has been taught.
If this anxiety spell finally proves to be the end, here are my specifications. I would like to be laid to rest next to my father in Canada and I want this memo pad burned. You will find what you are looking for in my scrapbook under my bed.