Green Eyed Slayer
Chapter Three: Buffy
"And then Spike's like 'oh, Gwen, you're Harley is soooo cool, but should is it safe? It doesn't protect you from the sun and I would die if I lost you!' and then Gwen was all 'Let's kick some ass!' I was just playing gooseberry, and who the hell does he think he is? I'm the Slayer, I get Spike wanting to help out, but since when did vampires stop killing 'cause they don't want to? And we only staked three vamps and a demon. It was such a slow night and I bet it was 'cause of Little Miss Ooo-Spike-You're-So-Perfect, she just wouldn't shut up. All they were going on about was 'Hey, remember that time in France?' or 'Yeah, but that was nothing to that time Darla…' or 'And it was so funny when...' I mean it Dawn, I just felt so -"
"Jealous?"
I look up from carving my stake and stare at my sister. She has I-Know-What-You're-Thinking face. It's the first time I've seen that face since before… Yeah, anyway, her lips are twisted and her eyebrows lifted. I hate when she does that. It's always of the bad.
"What?" I cry. "That is the-the dumbest thing you've ever… Jealous? Me? Of Spike and Gwen? I can't believe you would… God, Dawn!"
"You are so jealous," she grins. "You're jealous of Spike and Gwen! Oh my God! This is the best! Now you can tell him and get together and -"
"Dawn," I cut in. "Why don't you let me live my life before you start planning my wedding?"
"Wedding?" she wrinkles her nose. "I don't think Spike would be happy in a church scenario, but an outdoor ceremony at night could be cool. And you wouldn't even need a priest 'cause Robbie Williams - you know, that hot singer from England - he became a bishop over the Internet, I bet Willow could do that."
I blink at her. She's really thought about this. Great. See what I mean about that look never being of the good?
"Dawn," I said calmly but firmly, the voice I created to go with stompy foot Buffy. "Spike and I are not going to date, Spike and I are not going to marry, Willow is not becoming a priest over the internet, Robbie Williams became a priest not a bishop and he is so not hot and I am not jealous of Gwen!"
"Whatever," she sighs and smiles to herself in a way I know can only mean trouble. "So you know when you were ranting before? About Spike and Gwen?"
"Yeah..?" I answer slowly.
"Did you mention a Harley?" her face looks excited, it's nice to see her happy, but I don't like where this conversation is headed.
"Uh, yeah, I did," I admit.
"As in a Harley Davidson?" she practically squeals. "As in the coolest motorbike on earth?"
Huh? Coolest motorbike on earth? Dawn excited over a motorbike? Huh? This conversation just slipped into the dimension of weirdness. My sister, only ever interested in boy bands, boys, girlie chats, clothes and the boys in the boy bands, is excited over a motorbike? When did she get like this? And why didn't I notice?
"You're uh, interested in motorbikes?" I asked, wondering if my sister was in a take-everything-Buffy-says-the-wrong-way mood or a tell-Buffy-every-detail-of-every-aspect-of-my-life mood. Thinking about it, I don't know which mood I'm hoping for.
"Well, I wasn't," Dawn admits. "But then… before, Spike started buying all these magazines and he kept going on about how much he wanted a Harley and how he knew someone once who had a vintage Harley. I guess I caught the bug," she finishes with a shrug.
Before. That's their word for when I was dead. The word they use when they think I'll get upset if they remind me of my vacation in Hell. They don't know I went to Heaven.
Spike knows.
He doesn't mention it, never mentions what happened while I was gone. And I never ask because I never thought about what might have gone on while I was away. I never thought about how long it took for my friends to pick up the pieces, to get back to work and school, to figure out how they'd fight the demons without the Slayer. I never wondered how long it took my sister to act normal again. I never thought to ask her how Spike got on after.
Now suddenly I'm intrigued and I want to know, I want to ask if he cried. I know it's sick and I know that in a way, it's selfish, but I want to know.
"He missed you."
She's watching me like she's knows what I'm thinking. It must be because she's the Key; I just never realised how incredibly intuitive she is. I could talk to her about anything, I never have before, but she seems to have grown up. But in some way, talking to her like she's a grown up feels as wrong as asking about how my friends reacted.
"What?" I ask.
"I know what you're thinking, Buffy," she smiles. "He was dying without you, wasting away. Then he suddenly stopped drinking and ripping demons to pieces and started coming round here. He helped me. They all tried to help me, but it was Spike that did it."
"Why?" I whisper.
"I know they all love you so much," Dawn says. "But he's the only one that loves you as much as I do. Be careful, Buffy, Gwen's nice, he could leave."
For some reason, I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving, the thought of him not being there to patrol and make the sort of comments that I know should repulse me. I know I'd miss him as much as Dawn would.
She kisses my cheek and goes up to her room.
I need to see Spike.
Why am I doing this again? Did I even know why I was doing this when I decided to do this? It's not like I suddenly fell in love with him after what Dawn said. Spike and I could never go anywhere, he's a vampire and I'm the Slayer. He's evil and I'm not. Spike and I don't exactly have the recipe for the happiest relationship on earth.
Not like me and Angel.
That's the weirdest thing. What's the big difference between Spike and Angel apart from the soul? Thinking about it - which is all I've been doing since I talked to Dawn this morning, yes, bad Buffy is in residence - they're similar in so many very different ways. What I mean is they both love me. I know Spike does because he tried to save Dawn even when I said he had no chance with me and he looked after her all the time I was away. They both fight for the good. It's just that Angel was so much more… good than Spike. And I know if I said that to Dawn she'd probably say something like "Yeah, Angel was so good when he tried to kill me and your friends."
Like that kind of negative thinking helps.
And should I be thinking about Angel right now anyway, isn't this a Spike and Buffy thing? Is there even any Spike and Buffy? And again with the why am I here? My life is so screwed up.
I guess I'm thinking about Angel so much 'cause it wasn't that long ago that I saw him and I've got this niggling feeling that we should call each other every other day, y'know, keep in touch. I never got why we stopped communicating totally after he left, anyone else and it would have been "Hey, call me!" and there would have been Christmas cards and stuff. But suddenly this huge love and all the pain that I didn't care about because it was with him was over, and I missed him so much. But even when I knew where he was, I didn't call up and when I saw him for the first time since I'd been back, it was so clear that we weren't Buffy and Angel anymore. We were two completely different people and we wouldn't have worked out now even if we wanted to.
And that's the big thing: I still love Angel - like I can just forget something that huge - but I don't want us to get together and work out.
And the even bigger thing is that the person Angel helped me fight off only - how many years ago? Three years ago, or is it almost four? - is the one person I've told about being in Heaven. The worse thing is I didn't even tell Angel, I knew it would kill him to think I'd been happy and now I wasn't.
Here I am. Spike's crypt. The place I shouldn't be. The place Spike is.
I don't bother to knock, I never have.
He's not here, well; he's not in the upstairs anyway. I don't know whether I should check downstairs or not. But I'm likely to find Gwen boinking Spike. And the imagery there was so not good. Not that I care if they're boinking, I just don't want to see it, that's all.
"He's not here."
I'm not even halfway down the ladder before I hear the voice. I know it's her; it's the accent. I reach for my stake as I turn around. She's sitting on Spike's bed, reading, a leather bomber jacket over her black sleeveless top.
"You're looking for Spike?" she asks, looking up over the top of the book.
"Uh, yeah. I wanted to see if he wanted to patrol tonight."
She tilts her head to the side and that combined with the way she smiles kinda reminds me of Spike. She casually tosses the book to one side and reaches over the side of the bed for her boots. I watch her as she pulls them on; she's really sorta pretty. I guess that's why Spike turned her. She stands up and thrusts her hands into her pockets.
"He went out to get some blood, I said I'd hang here in case you dropped by. C'mon, I'll help you find him."
"Oh, it's not important," it's weird, but I don't want to be around her and know we'll talk about Spike.
"Yeah?" she looks doubtful. "Well, I'm going out anyway, thought I'd drop in that club and have a look round. Might as well have a walk together. Don't worry, I'd say I don't bite, but I'd be lying."
The words could have been a threat, but her tone was anything but. And - this is so not of the good - but I think she's sorta interesting. She's lived so long and seen so much. And my Slayer sense says Spike was telling the truth when she said she isn't evil. Who knew?
"Can I call you Buffy?"
"Huh?"
"Buffy, can I call you Buffy?"
"Uh, sure. Why?"
"'Cause I'd like to say, Buffy, you're the luckiest woman newly alive."
Newly alive? If anyone else had said that - except maybe Spike - I don't think I'd take it so well.
"I am?"
"I think if I were American, I'd say duh. But as I'm not American, I'll just say too bloody right you are. You're also the blindest person I've ever known."
"You realise I'm the Slayer and I have pointy wood?"
"Yeah, I also realise that you're miserable. I'm not one of your little friends that want to pretend you're all chipper when you aren't, I don't really give a toss about you - no offence."
"None taken - I guess."
"But don't you get that Spike loves you?"
It throws me. I guess it's 'cause everyone else has been tiptoeing around me and playing at subtle. For someone who's got all the time in the world, she sure comes to the point pretty damn quickly.
"I know he thinks - "
"Oh, don't give me that bull," she runs a finger along the top of a headstone as we walk past. "You know he loves you, else he wouldn't've tried to help your sis and he wouldn't've have screwed the other nasties over while you were all dead and all."
"And the award for most subtle approach goes to…"
"Oh, you'll find I don't do subtle, isn't one of my traits. But you'll find I do blunt quite well. Just answer me this, why can't you love him?"
"'Cause he's a vampire," what kind if dumb question was that?
"So was Angel," she fixes me with a hard green stare that makes me fidget.
"He had a soul."
"But he was a complete shit without it."
"Well…uh… yeah, but he fights for the good."
"So does Spike."
"Only 'cause he can't kill people."
"Maybe, but if he got rid of it now, he wouldn't go back to being William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers. Know why? 'Cause when he loves someone he'll go as far as it takes to make them happy. Trust me, I saw it with Dru-bitch-silla. He wouldn't kill 'cause he knows it'd upset you, lass. And you can't even give him the time of night."
"I do, I patrol with him and everything!"
"Only so it's easier on you."
"Can we not talk about this?" the girl was really starting to piss me off.
Then the night got so much worse.
"Gwen, what're doin' out here, love?" Spike pauses and the brown bag slips down his chest a little. "Buffy."
"Spike."
"Hey, babe," has the girl no shame? Next thing I know, she's wrapped herself around him like an old mink coat full of mouldy old mothballs. And that came out a lot bitchier than I meant it to.
"Where you off to then?" he asks.
"Patrol," I answer shortly and fold my arms.
"Crypt," Gwen says and grabs the bag from him and marches off in the other direction.
"You two uh, bonding?" he asks.
"Because I live to bond with a vampire who has an eating disorder."
"There's no need to get so nasty, Slayer, she's all right, just got to get to know her's all."
"I don't want to get to know her, I'm counting on her leaving before I get bored enough to stake her, and guess what? I'm halfway here."
"Hands off her, Slayer," he glares at me, for once he's acting like the Spike I first knew. "You don't go round killing the good guys. If you stake her, why don't you go stake Blossom?"
"Shut up, Spike," and there it is, the side that always comes out when I talk to him. I can't even tell when he stopped being the only person who I could talk to. He's still the only person who understands and that's wrong, it should be Willow or Xander or Giles. Anyone but the evil vampire who's tried to kill me more than once. I just wish we could go back to when I first got back, when we could talk. It was easier to talk to him then because I didn't snap and he didn't do that look that twists me up with guilt. He's doing it now, which is probably why I say, "I won't stake her, as long as you come and patrol with me now."
He grins widely and I can't help but imagine what he would look like if I said "I love you." But we're so not going there.
"Already there, pet."
I start a little, thinking he might have read my mind. But he was already striding away from me, so I shrugged and followed.
We patrolled and I forgot to tell him that I'd miss him if he left with her.
I even forgot if that was actually what I wanted to say to him.