Green Eyed Slayer
Chapter Five: Buffy & Spike
I can't believe I just saw that. Playing tonsil hockey in the middle of his crypt! Couldn't he have done it where no one would have seen? And why her? Why the girl with the annoying accent, weird dress sense and out dated hair? It's not that I care or anything, but now he's going to go and Dawn will blame me and I've got too many things to think about. I don't want to have to deal with Xander saying it's great, Dawn saying it's my fault, Giles, Willow and Tara asking if I can cope with patrols on my own...
I can't cope with it all.
It's so unfair.
I hear him running behind me, but I don't stop, I don't know why I should. I don't care that he kissed her, I don't care if he leaves. I do not care. I care that he doesn't think about anyone but himself.
Stupid vampire, when am I gonna learn to stake them and not grow to like them?
Not that I like Spike, I don't. He just comes in handy sometimes. In fact, I think it would be good if he left, then I wouldn't have to worry if his chip was gonna stop working, or if what he says to me has a completely different meaning in English English. I wouldn't even miss him if he left. I wouldn't.
"Buffy," he grabs my shoulder and I carry on walking, shaking my shoulder to make him let go. "Buffy! Hang on, love!"
"Don't call me that!" I snap and turn around. "I'm not your love! In fact, I don't care if you run off with her! Go! See if I care!"
"Yes, you do," he says.
Ok, that was unexpected. Hadn't I just made a very good - and loud - job of saying that I didn't care? What does it take to get through to vampires? Do their skulls thicken and make them completely stupid or is it just him?
"Aren't you listening?" I ask. "I don't care. Are you following or shall I give it to you in full colour diagrams? Would that make how much I don't care very clear?"
"If you didn't care then you wouldn't have stormed out like that an' you wouldn't be fighting tears an' you wouldn't say you don't care so much!" he argues. "I know you, Slayer!"
"No! You don't know me, Spike! You never did!"
"I actually might leave then," he tells me. "Just pack up and leave with Gwen. She wouldn't mind. And if you don't care if I go or stay, then there isn't much point me staying, is there?"
"No," I mutter and I could kick myself for letting that slip out, because I didn't mean that no, there isn't any point in him staying, it was a no, I don't want him to leave. I clear my throat and look him square in the eye. "But Dawn wouldn't want you to go."
"It isn't the Bit I'm in love with and that isn't what you meant, Buffy. You care if I leave or not. Why? If you don't care so much then why do you act like you do?"
"I don't care," I yell. "I. Don't. Care!"
"Then why are you so soddin' annoyed then?"
I don't know what to say. I want to say all the things I've bottled up. I want to say how hard it is to get up in the morning, act happy in front of Dawn and my friends, how I just want to sit down and give up, how he's the only one that drags me up and tells me to live. He folds his arms and waits for my answer.
I can't hold it in anymore, I think I always knew I'd tell him the truth sometime. I don't want to, but the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them and the tears are running down my face like a waterfall that will never stop.
"I don't want you to leave!" I scream. He looks startled and comes a little closer. For every step he takes toward me, I step back and eventually he gives up. "I pretend not to care because if I do it enough, maybe I'll believe it! But I do care if you leave. I don't want you to go! I don't want to come out and you not be there. I don't want to be miserable and you not tell me things will be fine. I don't want to do everything on my own and know that I can't turn to you because you aren't there! I don't want you to leave, but most of all; I don't want you to leave with her! If you're not there, Spike, I've got to be happy all the time, 'cause no one else knows what it feels like. And I can't do that; it's too hard. You're the only one that understands me and I can't lose you. I can't lose you, Spike, because I love you too much."
I stare at her. I tell myself I didn't hear it, I tell myself she said something else. She couldn't have said she loved me. I'm tempted to pinch myself, but that would look stupid.
Right, let's work this out logically. Me and Gwen were talking, Gwen kissed me, Buffy saw, Buffy loves me. She stands there, gauging my reaction. She has to gauge? Oh, right, that might be 'cause I haven't moved since she said it. Like that's my fault! The girl just dropped a clanger and I'm s'posed to - what? Do something?
She can't be in love with me, not after all those times she's said she isn't. I knew Willow did something wrong, there must be something missing 'cause she wouldn't say that. When did she fall in love with me? Before or after? And why doesn't she do something instead of just standing there? I gulp. Good, doing something, maybe I can progress up to actually blinking.
Oh bloody hell! She loves me! Buffy loves me! Buffy Summers loves William the Bloody!
"Spike?" she asks and her lower lips trembles, making me want to suck it.
"You uh, you love me now?" great, now I sound like a retard. But she loves me! But if I carry on like a bloody mime and never talk, I think she might go off me.
"Yes," she whispers.
I first saw her over four years ago, dancing in the Bronze. I knew then she was different, not some trophy, this one was more than a Slayer. I danced with her for a long time, then I watched her grow from young Slayer into young woman. That's the young woman I fell in love with. I watched her hold it together when she found out 'bout her sis, when her mum died, when she found out Glory was a God. I treasured that kiss she gave me after Glory tortured me and I loved her. Even when she was… dead, I loved her. The others moved on, mourned her, but carried on with the demon killing and their jobs and school. Not me, I couldn't move on, I was stuck trying to save her. Always trying to save her. Now here she is, alive and telling me she loves me. Now I'm the one that needs saving.
"Spike?" oh no, she sounds like she's gonna cry again. "Say something, please."
I want to, I want to say something. I want to tell her I'll never leave her, desert her or stop loving her. I want to thank her for giving me what I wanted, but the words won't come. Somehow, I don't think the words would be enough, how can you condense four years of hate, respect and love into a workable sentence? Answer: you can't. But I can condense it into something else.
So I kiss her. Numbly, I reach out, pull her to me, and cover her mouth with mine. I save her, catch her and kiss her. I couldn't save her when it counted, but maybe it counts more now. I save her from being alone and I save myself too. All the feeling return to my limbs and I know if I lost her, I wouldn't go on. This kiss isn't like with Gwen. I don't know what that was. But somehow, in some twisted, Sunnydale Hellmouth way, that kiss with Gwen gave the one thing I wanted. I was a bloody awful poet, so I try to pour all that longing and love into this kiss so she'll know just how much I care. When I pull away, she stares at me, a half smile on her face.
"I love you, Buffy," I tell her.
"I know," she nods and takes my hand, pulling me in the direction of her house. "I love you too."
So it is true then. Good things come to those who wait, even demons.