DISCLAIMER: I own NONE of the characters, ideas, or people used in this story. This is just something that was written out nothing but paperclips, broken staples and a whole lot of glue sticks.
If you have any suggestions, please feel free to email me! I love to get ideas for my stories from the people that actually read them!
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The Ultimate Crossover - Part 4 : The Un-Perfect Storm
Setting: Darth Flirt's mysterous ship (AKA the S.S. Minnow) on the river...
SAM: Yo ho, yo ho! A Pirate's life for me!
FRODO: Sam! I thought you hated water!
SAM: I do, but I feel safe with him at the helm.
SAM points in the direction of GEORGE CLOONEY. GEORGE CLOONEY is wearing his underwear on his head. FRODO stands there stunned. GEORGE CLOONEY looks back at him and smiles crazily. FRODO gets a very frightening look on his face. GEORGE CLOONEY look back to the water ahead of him and turns the motor on.
THE BOAT startes to go forwards a little but then abruptly stops.
LUKE: What was that?
ALL look to see DARTH FLIRT standing there.... Next to the rope from the boat tied to the dock.
DARTH FLIRT laughs to herself and mumbles something about fire, morons, and a feather-less duck.
DARTH FLIRT: Anyways... I can't let you go yet! I need to let you meet the crew!
LUKE: But I thought we were the crew?
DARTH FLIRT: No you're not. Have you even ever been on water Luke?
LUKE: Well.. Umm...
LUKE runs off to the corner of the boat crying like a baby (again). DARTH FLIRT laughs to herself.
DARTH FLIRT: Anyways... back to your crew. It will consist of Bill Gates...
DARTH FLIRT snaps and BILL GATES appears.
DARTH FLIRT: ...Gigolo Joe...
DARTH FLIRT snaps and GIGOLO JOE appears.
DARTH FLIRT: ...Mr. Evil...
DARTH FLIRT snaps and DR. EVIL apears.
DR. EVIL: That's DOCTOR Evil! I didn't spend ten years in Evil Medical School to be called Mister!
DARTH FLIRT: ...and Kermit the Frog.
DARTH FLIRT snaps and KERMIT THE FROG appears.
DARTH FLIRT: Well.. Now off ya go. This fic is going to be long enough without you hanging around here! GO!!
With a wave of DARTH FLIRT's hand the ship sets off.
GIGOLO JOE: No! Come back Darth Flirt! I can show you the stars!!
DARTH FLIRT shudders.
GIGOLO JOE: Oh well.. I'm sure there are other good paying customers on this ship!
GIGOLO JOE looks around at his companions.
GIGOLO JOE: Oh crap...
MEDABOT: Hey Joe! You don't look very human to me.
GIGOLO JOE: That's because I'm not human. I'm a mecha designed to give pleasure.
MEDABOT: A mecha? Like a robot! Cool! I'm a robot too!
IKKI: No really. I'm pretty sure he's figured that one out.
GEORGE CLOONEY: Pleasure? What kind of pleasure do you give?
GIGOLO JOE: I'd be happy to show you...
DARTH FLIRT: Ok! Stop right there! This fic is rated PG-13, NOT NC-17!
GIGOLO JOE: Aww... Come on. It'll be fun!
DARTH FLIRT: No Joe, No.
GIGOLO JOE: Aww.. please? I can take you to places you've never been...
DARTH FLIRT: Hmm... that does sound intriguing... WAIT! NO! STOP IT OR I'LL FEED YOU TO JAWS!!
JAWS THEME SONG starts playing. JAWS's fin can be seen just trailing the boat.
GIGOLO JOE jumps into DR. EVIL's arms.
GIGOLO JOE: Save me! Please!
DR. EVIL: Get off of me you lazy-eyed psycho!
DR. EVIL throws GIGOLO JOE out of his arms and into the ocean.
DARTH FLIRT: Nice one Dr. Evil.
DR. EVIL: Thanks. I stole that one from my son.
DARTH FLIRT and DR. EVIL carry on their conversation as GIGOLO JOE is riped apart by JAWS. Once GIGOLO JOE is fully mutilated, JAWS sinks below the view of the FELLOWSHIP and the JAWS THEME SONG stops.
DARTH FLIRT: Hey! Where did Joe go?
TK: He was eaten by Jaws.
DARTH FLIRT: Ah good. Less killing by me then. Anyways... I have to go conjure up a storm to sink this ship and kill George Clooney because he pisses me off far too much.
ALL stare at DARTH FLIRT.
DARTH FLIRT: I mean...
DARTH FLIRT coughs and disapears.
GEORGE CLOONEY: Well, now that she's gone I'm going to make you all work!
GEORGE CLOONEY laughs manically. ALL stare at GEORGE CLOONEY.
GEORGE CLOONEY: I'm going to make you all go swordfish fishing. That way Darth Flirt has some time to conjure up a storm.
GEORGE CLOONEY laughs manically again. ALL stare at GEORGE CLOONEY.
GEORGE CLOONEY: Now get to work!
ALL start working to catch Swordfish. And mysteriously everyone knows what to do.
KERMIT THE FROG: Hey! What are you doing! I'm not bait!
HEATH: You are now!
HEATH hooks KERMIT THE FROG up and throws him over board.
DARTH FLIRT: Heath Ledger? When did he come in?
DARTH FLIRT checks the end second part of her story.
DARTH FLIRT: Oh yea! I remember you now! I'll have to remember to give you lines now... Or perhaps I'll just kill you off like the rest of the cast of this story.
HEATH runs to the corner to cry. SAM tries to go comfort him, but is distracted by FRODO leaning over to pick up some rope.
DARTH FLIRT laughs to herself and then disappears once again to finish creating her storm.
BILL GATES: This #$# Computer! Why won't it work!
ASH: Maybe it's because it's running on Windows XP?
BILL GATES: Nooo... My system is perfect! Nothing could go wrong on it!
DARTH FLIRT(to readers): Don't worry. He'll pay for that later.
BILL GATES: Pay for what?
BILL GATES wanders around confused.
Suddenly, before the small boat a HUGE storm appears before them!
ALL: GASP!!
The STORM mysteriously turns purple and green and yellow and bright pink.
ALL stare in amazement at this unusual storm.
DARTH FLIRT: Stupid crappy spell... Why isn't the storm scarey and dark and menacing!!
DARTH FLIRT shakes her fist at the storm.
DARTH FLIRT: Wait a minute... I could have some fun with this storm...
DARTH FLIRT snaps her fingers and disapears.
GEORGE CLOONEY: Ok everyone!! We have to go through the storm to get to the other side of the river! Shall we go?
HEATH: I don't think we should...
EVERYONE ELSE: Of course we should!
HEATH: Fine, get us all killed. See what I care!
DARTH FLIRT: Don't worry Heath, I need you around still. I need someone to kill in the next chapter.
HEATH goes to cry in the corner. SAM tries to go comfort him, but is distracted by FRODO leaning over.
GEORGE CLOONEY: Ok everyone! Time to go through the storm!
The S.S. MINNOW starts slowly making it's way into the storm.
DARTH FLIRT: This is taking too long.
DARTH FLIRT makes the boat suddenly appear in the middle of the storm.
DARTH FLIRT: Now the fun begins!
THE STORM rages around the S.S. MINNOW. Waves cover the ship and everyone on it is scared for their life.
SAM: I'm scared for my life Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: From the storm?
SAM: No! From Darth Flirt!
DARTH FLIRT laughs manically.
The storm suddenly changes it's color to BRIGHT EYE-PEIRCING PINK!
ALL: OW MY EYES!!
DARTH FLIRT puts on sunglasses and laughs to herself.
While everyone is blinded, DARTH FLIRT changes the storm once again.
Windows and Computers are flying all over!
BILL GATES: NOOO!! It's that dream again!
DARTH FLIRT: It's not a dream this time!
A computer comes charging at BILL GATES and nocks him over board.
DARTH FLIRT: THAT was for SCREWING UP MY COMPUTER!!
A giant window comes crashing down on the now surfacing BILL GATES, draging him under and killing him.
DARTH FLIRT: And that was just because I'm a cruel person.
DARTH FLIRT laughs to herself once again as she changes the storm once more.
This time lightning covers the sky and zaps the ship!
ALL: AHHHH!!!!
ALL start to convulse. DARTH FLIRT laughs to herself.
DARTH FLIRT: This is too funny.
The storm starts to change again, this time it looks like an actual storm!
DARTH FLIRT: Wohoo! The storm is working now! Now to let the storm do it's work.
The storm tosses the boat about throwing every member of the FELLOWSHIP into the water.
FELLOWSHIP: AHHH!!!
Suddenly a HUGE wave covers the boat with DR. EVIL and GEORGE CLOONEY on it. THE FELLOWSHIP is safe of course.
Another wave appears and turns the ship over.
THE FELLOWSHIP laughs.
As the S.S. MINNOW sinks to DAVEY JONES's locker, DR. EVIL appears on the surface of the water.
DR. EVIL starts to say a "moving" monologue (much like that of "The Perfect Storm") but is suddenly covered and killed by a giant wave.
THE FELLOWSHIP laughs once again.
DAVEY JONES: Wohoo! I gets a boat to play with!
DARTH FLIRT: I'm sure you do.
Suddenly another wave appears and covers THE FELLOWSHIP knocking them all unconsious.
THE FELLOWSHIP finally comes to on the beach of a small island somewhere along the river. There is nothing on the beach but a small flag that says "MARAAMU"
FRODO: Where are we Sam?
SAM: I don't know Mr. Frodo, but I get the feeling we'll find out soon...