Title: Down the Looking Glass
Series: Dark Star Chronicles
Author: Andia
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama
Characters: Casimalia
Disclaimer: I don't own them...
Warnings: F/F content, non consensual groping, lots of nightmare
imagry...
Summary: Casimalia searches for the truth and an exit from damnation
Down the Looking Glass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is cold down here. A sneaky, slinking, skulking cold that crawls
quietly under your skin and slides through your flesh to settle
against your bones and gnaw on them. There's a soul killing cold
here. A suffocating chill that winds its way around your throat like
a silk scarf and pulls hard, blocking off your life.
It is dark here too. Dark like the dark places that lurk behind the
stars. Dark like the backs of caves, hidden deep beneath the bones
of stone that hold up the land. Only it's not as pure as stars, and
it's not as comforting as caves. No, this is ugly darkness. Darkness
that would be more then happy to eat you alive if it could. Happy to
tear at you from the inside till it crawls all the way through and
lays you out on the ground like some ancient sacrifice, skin torn
and peeled away from the flesh, muscle shredded and pulled away
from the bone, wooden stakes pinning tendons to the soft earth.
I can't get away. The surface of the pool above me is somehow solid.
Not a hard sort of solid, like ice, but a soft sort of solid that
seems to yield for just a moment before rebounding and sending my
hand bouncing back towards me. It's a cruel tease. The perfect touch.
I have to find a way to get out. There has to be one, there always
is. Surely the ceiling has some weak point somewhere. I can't give
up, I don't dare to. But it's so hard and I'm so tired and the more I
struggle the more it hurts and...
Tears. There are tears on my cheeks. Oh, how odd. How long have I
been crying? Why can't I remember?
Funny. They feel different from the water of the pool that surrounds
me. The water is cold, but my tears are warm, hot even. My eyes are
swollen and burning. They hurt from the stinging of the salt in my
tears. Oh. I'm still crying. Imagine that.
I hurt. Hurt all over, pain whispering in my veins, playing up the
sides of my skin. My heart has been torn open and hollowed out,
leaving noting but an empty ache in the left side of my chest. I
don't want it to hurt anymore. Why can't I just go numb?
Yama, I wish you were here just to hold me. Where has your soul
gone, my protecter, my friend? Your body is ashes, ashes and dust,
dust and ashes, just the same as the palace, but your soul...I am sure
your soul is somewhere else. I wonder where. I pray that no part of
you has been bound to this world, and yet...I would give anything
to say goodbye properly, the way I never got a chance to.
No. I will not wish it. May you be free from pain and fear, Yama.
I, at least, will remember you always.
You were my hope for the future. My brother, my friend, my protector,
my living heart, you were all these things and more. I miss you
dearly. I will never forget you.
Andia? Sister? Andia, there is a secret I must tell you. A horrible
something that I have to say or it will fester. A nightmare that I
need you to sooth away, as I soothed your nightmares when we
were both children. Please listen, Andia. Please listen.
It doesn't seem as if it could have been real. Those hands sliding
over my faint curves weren't really there. I dreamed how demanding
they were, how insistent. It couldn't have happened. My darker self
could not have forced her mouth onto mine. It couldn't have been
real, but if it wasn't then why am I here?
It was real. I didn't dream shockingly strong arms holding me,keeping
me from struggling. I didn't dream harsh kisses down my neck and
shoulders. I didn't dream hands plucking insistently at my clothing.
I didn't dream any of it.
I want to make the memory go away. I want to never be that helpless
again. But I still am that helpless. I'm still caught by that other
me. I'm still lost.
Please Andia, come and find me. I need help and you are the only one
left who loves me more then duty. Please my sister, I want to be able
to hug you and tell you how afraid I am. Please come, I need you.
But you can't find me, can you? I'm hidden too well, locked too far
away. I can't wait for you to save me, I'm going to have to save
myself.
How? I don't know how. I know how to rescue others, I know how to
pull at the threads of time and history, but I don't know how to
fight myself. For once in my life I have no plan.
The darkness around me whispers gently in my ear, suddenly as
considerate and sweet as a lover. It wraps its razor edges in black
silk, pretending to be harmless, hiding the danger behind thin
veils. It takes on a seductive appearance, murmuring promises
sweet as silvered honey.
'Relax,' it purrs, 'Just calm down. Don't struggle so hard. Lean
back. Let go. Fall. Fall into me and tumble down. I'll catch you.
I'll take your pain and lock it up somewhere far away so you
don't have to look at it. Let go. Come to me.'
I close my eyes and shudder, trying to block out those deadly sweet
slitherings. I'm not fooled. I am being offered death, extinquishment
of self. I will not listen. Even though it is tempting I will not
surrender. I will not go quietly into the gentle night.
Since Yama loved me greatly, and trusted me just as much as he
loved me, I cannot give up. Who would I be if I violated his faith
like that? It would be a crime against my memory of him, and
against myself. So I cannot give up.
Since Andia loves me enough to destroy herself for me, I must be able
to find a way to live for her. I cannot simply stop trying and leave
her to the tender mercies of my darker self. I must escape and
overpower this other part of me, if only so that she cannot harm my
sister.
It's all because loving people binds you to the world. It means you
can't simply give up on the future or on life. You have to keep
trying, even when you're sure that the trying will kill you. Because
if you don't try then you are worse then nothing.
Black water fills my lungs, robbing me of strength. But I still keep
fighting, because, despite it all, I know that I have to live. Even
though I want it badly, I can't have my wish.
I raise my hand, and begin to pound against the solid surface of the
spring.
Series: Dark Star Chronicles
Author: Andia
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama
Characters: Casimalia
Disclaimer: I don't own them...
Warnings: F/F content, non consensual groping, lots of nightmare
imagry...
Summary: Casimalia searches for the truth and an exit from damnation
Down the Looking Glass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is cold down here. A sneaky, slinking, skulking cold that crawls
quietly under your skin and slides through your flesh to settle
against your bones and gnaw on them. There's a soul killing cold
here. A suffocating chill that winds its way around your throat like
a silk scarf and pulls hard, blocking off your life.
It is dark here too. Dark like the dark places that lurk behind the
stars. Dark like the backs of caves, hidden deep beneath the bones
of stone that hold up the land. Only it's not as pure as stars, and
it's not as comforting as caves. No, this is ugly darkness. Darkness
that would be more then happy to eat you alive if it could. Happy to
tear at you from the inside till it crawls all the way through and
lays you out on the ground like some ancient sacrifice, skin torn
and peeled away from the flesh, muscle shredded and pulled away
from the bone, wooden stakes pinning tendons to the soft earth.
I can't get away. The surface of the pool above me is somehow solid.
Not a hard sort of solid, like ice, but a soft sort of solid that
seems to yield for just a moment before rebounding and sending my
hand bouncing back towards me. It's a cruel tease. The perfect touch.
I have to find a way to get out. There has to be one, there always
is. Surely the ceiling has some weak point somewhere. I can't give
up, I don't dare to. But it's so hard and I'm so tired and the more I
struggle the more it hurts and...
Tears. There are tears on my cheeks. Oh, how odd. How long have I
been crying? Why can't I remember?
Funny. They feel different from the water of the pool that surrounds
me. The water is cold, but my tears are warm, hot even. My eyes are
swollen and burning. They hurt from the stinging of the salt in my
tears. Oh. I'm still crying. Imagine that.
I hurt. Hurt all over, pain whispering in my veins, playing up the
sides of my skin. My heart has been torn open and hollowed out,
leaving noting but an empty ache in the left side of my chest. I
don't want it to hurt anymore. Why can't I just go numb?
Yama, I wish you were here just to hold me. Where has your soul
gone, my protecter, my friend? Your body is ashes, ashes and dust,
dust and ashes, just the same as the palace, but your soul...I am sure
your soul is somewhere else. I wonder where. I pray that no part of
you has been bound to this world, and yet...I would give anything
to say goodbye properly, the way I never got a chance to.
No. I will not wish it. May you be free from pain and fear, Yama.
I, at least, will remember you always.
You were my hope for the future. My brother, my friend, my protector,
my living heart, you were all these things and more. I miss you
dearly. I will never forget you.
Andia? Sister? Andia, there is a secret I must tell you. A horrible
something that I have to say or it will fester. A nightmare that I
need you to sooth away, as I soothed your nightmares when we
were both children. Please listen, Andia. Please listen.
It doesn't seem as if it could have been real. Those hands sliding
over my faint curves weren't really there. I dreamed how demanding
they were, how insistent. It couldn't have happened. My darker self
could not have forced her mouth onto mine. It couldn't have been
real, but if it wasn't then why am I here?
It was real. I didn't dream shockingly strong arms holding me,keeping
me from struggling. I didn't dream harsh kisses down my neck and
shoulders. I didn't dream hands plucking insistently at my clothing.
I didn't dream any of it.
I want to make the memory go away. I want to never be that helpless
again. But I still am that helpless. I'm still caught by that other
me. I'm still lost.
Please Andia, come and find me. I need help and you are the only one
left who loves me more then duty. Please my sister, I want to be able
to hug you and tell you how afraid I am. Please come, I need you.
But you can't find me, can you? I'm hidden too well, locked too far
away. I can't wait for you to save me, I'm going to have to save
myself.
How? I don't know how. I know how to rescue others, I know how to
pull at the threads of time and history, but I don't know how to
fight myself. For once in my life I have no plan.
The darkness around me whispers gently in my ear, suddenly as
considerate and sweet as a lover. It wraps its razor edges in black
silk, pretending to be harmless, hiding the danger behind thin
veils. It takes on a seductive appearance, murmuring promises
sweet as silvered honey.
'Relax,' it purrs, 'Just calm down. Don't struggle so hard. Lean
back. Let go. Fall. Fall into me and tumble down. I'll catch you.
I'll take your pain and lock it up somewhere far away so you
don't have to look at it. Let go. Come to me.'
I close my eyes and shudder, trying to block out those deadly sweet
slitherings. I'm not fooled. I am being offered death, extinquishment
of self. I will not listen. Even though it is tempting I will not
surrender. I will not go quietly into the gentle night.
Since Yama loved me greatly, and trusted me just as much as he
loved me, I cannot give up. Who would I be if I violated his faith
like that? It would be a crime against my memory of him, and
against myself. So I cannot give up.
Since Andia loves me enough to destroy herself for me, I must be able
to find a way to live for her. I cannot simply stop trying and leave
her to the tender mercies of my darker self. I must escape and
overpower this other part of me, if only so that she cannot harm my
sister.
It's all because loving people binds you to the world. It means you
can't simply give up on the future or on life. You have to keep
trying, even when you're sure that the trying will kill you. Because
if you don't try then you are worse then nothing.
Black water fills my lungs, robbing me of strength. But I still keep
fighting, because, despite it all, I know that I have to live. Even
though I want it badly, I can't have my wish.
I raise my hand, and begin to pound against the solid surface of the
spring.