(A yellow jeep comes swerving into the Super Walmart parking lot with Beetles music blaring through the windows. A door opens and four hobbits topple out. The Fellowship thinks they'll get through Super Walmart unnoticed. Right.)

Merry: Agh, Frodo, if you'd kindly call off your feet, it would do my head a whole lot of good!

Frodo: Those aren't my feet.

(All of the hobbits start to get up off the asphalt at the same time and fall down in a crumpled heap)

Boromir: Can we please leave the Halflings in the car?

Frodo: Who're you calling a Halfling, surfer bum?!

Boromir: Who're you calling a surfer bum?!

Frodo: Uh…you?

Legolas: Ooh! Boromir got dissed by a hobbit!

Boromir: Close it already, Celtic toothfairy!

(Legolas loads his bow in .001 seconds, and aims it at Boromir.)

Boromir: EEK!

(Boromir runs behind Aragorn)

Gandalf: This is going to be a long day.

(Merry and Pippin jump up)

Merry: Pippin! They've got! They've got!

Pippin: SHOPPING CARTS!

Frodo: Alright! On your mark…get set…

Sam: GO! HAHAHA! I'm winning!

Pippin: Hey, Sam! XMR!

Sam: Wha…?

Merry: Examine Merry's rear! If you can catch it!

Pippin: No, it's examine my rear! You're ruining my joke!

(The hobbits run off and are lost in a mob of people)

Gimli: So um, can we leave now?

Aragorn: That would be way to easy. There's got to be some catch.

(Legolas shuts the car door, which is locked)

Legolas: Where are the keys?

Aragorn: See, I knew it.

Boromir: Lighten up, I know right where they are.

Legolas: Oh please, enlighten us, Boromir, King of the Rednecks!

Boromir: For your information, the keys are right in Frodo's pocket.

Gandalf: Oh no. And you just let the four of them run off into…into…WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND THEM!!

(10 minutes later, inside Walmart)

Sam: What a rush!

Frodo: Did you see that old guy's face right before you plowed into him?

Sam: I hope he's Ok.

Merry: Aw, don't worry about it. The elderly'll pop up and get you when you least expect it!

Sam: Childhood issues?

Merry: Like you wouldn't believe!

Pippin: Security! 12 O'clock!

(The hobbits try to look innocent. The key word being "try".)

Security guy: I got a call about four short guys causing a disturbance with some shopping carts. You gentlemen wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

Pippin: We weren't causing a disturbance, we were just-

(Frodo steps in front of Pippin)

Frodo: Nope, haven't seen 'em, officer!

(The security guy looks at the four hobbits suspiciously, who are grinning broadly in return. The officer walks off, shaking his head)

(Scene switches back to Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli, and Legolas, who are now just inside the Walmart entrance)

Boromir: I'm surprised they let us in with Tinkerbell prancing like a moron over there.

Aragorn: You know, it's a good thing he didn't hear you.

Boromir: He?! That's a newsflash!

Legolas: How dare you question my status!

Gandalf: (rubs his forehead) What did I do to deserve this?

Gimli: Do you really want me to answer that?

Gandalf: I'd shut my pie hole if I were you, Master Dwarf.

Aragorn: Not to interrupt your fun fest, but don't you think we should find the hobbits so we can get out of here?

Legolas: Where are we gonna start?

Gandalf: That one's easy. Just look for an unusual amount of annoyed people.

(A guy runs by screaming followed by a series of shopping carts)

Gandalf: Or screaming old guys followed by a series of shopping carts.

(Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir run after the shopping carts. What a scene.)

(And now we return to our hobbit friends, who have discovered the many joys of the Walmart produce isle.)

Frodo: Woohoo! Free food!

(Frodo skips over to a pile of watermelons, and Gandalf runs after him.)

Gandalf: Frodo! I've been looking all over for you!

(Frodo stops dead in his tracks and Gandalf runs full-force into him. Frodo slides across the newly waxed tile floor, and smacks into the pile of watermelons. I'll let your imagination figure out what happens next. Go on, now. It's not hard. Oh, all right, I'll tell you. But only because I like you so much.)

Frodo: (while sliding across the floor) You just knocked ten years of my life you- you- AHHH!

(Watermelons topple everywhere. Several split into pieces and cover the four hobbits, and Gandalf, with a lovely red tint. And, as Legolas would say, Gandalf does not look good in red. Legolas runs up, sees what's happening, and immediately turns around, running for his life)

Legolas: I just had these tights dry cleaned!

(Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin have made a game out of riding watermelons. Sam looks on in horror as Gimli is overtaken by watermelons, and Boromir and Aragorn try to slice their way through the stampede.)

Merry: Yeeeehaw!

(Merry comes to a screeching halt in front of a very unhappy Walmart manager)

Manager: What have you done to my beautiful store?!

Merry: Oh, relax! We were just having a little fun! How much damage could we have possibly-

(He turns around to see the isle in complete ruin. Frodo and Sam are lying on the ground among the crushed field of watermelons. Gandalf and Aragorn are trying to dig Legolas and Boromir out of a watermelon pile-up, and Pippin, who seems to be unaware of the mess, is eating the grocery section of Walmart out of business. By now a large crowd has gathered.)

Lady: Hey, aren't you that hobbit kid from that movie?

Manager: Hobbit or no, somebody better cough up some cash for all the stuff you broke!

Merry: Em…Gandalf, you're gonna have to cover me on this one, I'm a bit broke.

Gandalf: None of us have any money, it's not proper for fighters of evil to jingle!

Manager: I don't care what you are! Pay up!

Merry: Bring it on, old man!

(Suddenly, a rumble erupts and everyone in Walmart runs for fear of their life. The manager faints from the ghastly fumes, and falls over with a clunk.)

Frodo: (after taking a whiff of the air) Holy- Pip! What did you eat!

Pippin: Oh, just some tacos, a burger, some ribs, an order of french-fries, some jellybeans, pancakes, a pizza or two…

Frodo: No, I mean just recently.

Pippin: Well, let's see, I had some tacos, a burger, some ribs, an order of French fries, some jelly beans, pancakes, a pizza or two…

Gandalf: Excuse me, Pippin. I hope you don't mind me interrupting.

Pippin: Oh, but I do.

Gandalf: Like I was saying-

Pippin: Zip!

Gandalf: AHEM!

Pippin: Shh!

Gandalf: But-

Pippin: Nope!

Legolas: WHERE ARE THE FREAKING KEYS?!

Frodo: Well, I'm sure they're in one of these pockets…

Aragorn: Who's turn is it to call a cab?

(A few hours later)

Gandalf: How was I supposed to know the cab driver was a wanted criminal?

Frodo: AhHA! Here's the keys! I told you I had them!

Legolas: Oh, cute, Frodo! We're stuck in the middle of nowhere, and now you find the keys!

Sam: You know what they say.

Boromir: What do they say, Sam?

Gandalf: They say, "Has anyone ever tried fried hobbit?"

Frodo: Heh…heh…walk faster, Pippin.