PACKING
Unfulfilled 2
By Annie
Rated: PG; language
Spoilers: The Gift
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Feedback: crehnert@ptd.net
PACKING
First thing I did when I got back to town was throw the Squank Demon living in my crypt out on its' trespassing ass. He had a bit of trash scattered around, but otherwise nothing much seemed to be disturbed. Except the sodding telly was smashed in. Probably didn't know what it was.
Telly was low on my list of priorities, though. I wouldn't admit that I was half afraid to face the Slayer or any of her gang, so I just told myself I had to get my place in order, in case Buffy heard I was back in town and dropped by. Yea, that was it.
So, finally, the second night in, when the only possible thing I had left to do was replace the TV, I decided to venture out - to Revello Drive.
I almost didn't go, almost couldn't make my feet take me, but hey, I was the Big Bad. What's a little skip-town and break-a-promise among friends? Or enemies. They all probably told each other it was just what they would have expected out of that prick Spike.
It was very late when I got there, standing outside in my old place by the tree. I refrained from lighting a cig, just in case anyone might see the lighter flaring in the dark. Most of the lights were off, except for a dim nightlight in the kitchen, and one more in Buffy's bedroom. I couldn't see into the room, and briefly considered climbing the tree, then brushed the thought away as juvenile.
She came to the window and looked out, and I melted back behind the trunk of the tree, not wanting to be caught snooping. I didn't want her to know I was in town, not this way.
I could almost smell her, that was how hard she crashed into my senses just then. I don't think I have ever been so deeply happy as I was at exactly that moment. Buffy alive, even in silhouette, was an exhilarating sight, and I blinked rapidly, unaccustomed to the swell of feelings I was experiencing.
Well, I really needed a smoke now.
But she moved even closer to the window, and I could sense her sensing me; the Slayer can feel the presence of a vampire; and this vampire was certainly attuned to this particular Slayer's vibes. Time to get back to the crypt.
I hadn't gotten halfway down the block when I heard the sound of the front door opening and the hurried footsteps on the porch steps. Damn. No sense trying to run now. The jig was up. So I bluffed.
I turned around in feigned surprise. And she was right there, alive, standing on the sidewalk ten feet in front of me and I don't think I ever had a happier second in either one of my lives. She was scowling at me, and I tried to pretend I didn't notice. I don't even know how I got my dead throat to form words, but I managed to engage my reeling brain.
I reached for a smoke nonchalantly, trying to hide the shake in my hands.
"So, 'Bot, done patrolling for the night, are you? Kill all the little beasties or did you leave a few for me?"
She didn't speak, emotions warring nakedly on her face; she was surprised, shocked, angry, and, praise the god of all demons, underneath all that she was glad to see me. I smelled it.
The anger won out, as I had known it would.
"You left," she stated quietly, as if I didn't already know that.
I took a short drag and blew it insolently in her direction. "You didn't need me. You were doing the job well enough..."
"Spike, I'm not the 'Bot. That thing is retired. You know it's me. I know you do."
My cigarette hand was shaking so badly there was no point pretending to smoke.
"Yea, so I left. I wasn't needed here anymore. You were gone. And now you're back, and what? Going to stake me now, because I left town, because I did the thing you were trying to get me to do for months?"
"I don't want to talk to you Spike. I don't want to see you - ever. I expected more from you, and I shouldn't have. Feel free to move on anytime; and make it soon."
She turned and walked back into the house without even a backward glance or one hesitant step. Didn't fight, didn't yell, didn't threaten to stake me or anything. Not a good sign.
"I just did what you wanted me to do! I left town!" I shouted after her, trying not to let the desperation seep into my voice. "Dawn was safe and you were.gone! And now I'm going, too!"
Well, I guess as far as I was concerned, she was still gone.
I kicked a hole in every fence I passed on the way back to my crypt. And the first thing I did when I got there was find my bottle. I am such a weakling, such a sucker for a pretty face, nice hair and a body the gods would get hard for. there I went, off in fantasyland once again.
Don't like blondes anyway, remember? I like 'em dark and dangerous. Of course, the Slayer was pretty dangerous. Kicked my English ass more than a few times in the past, hadn't she? But things were okay, we were almost getting along and then she had to go and jump off a fucking tower and kill herself.
The bourbon just made me angry, except in retrospect I think it was really making me horny and frustrated. So I decided to leave, once and for all, and for the last time, so help me fires of hellgods.
I was downstairs, still drinking and throwing some of my favorite weapons into a satchel when I heard her come in. I almost didn't hear her at all, which was unusual, because every other time she entered my humble home, she just slammed in noisily. Loud enough to wake the dead.
I stood calmly, waiting for her to climb down the ladder. Be damned if I was going to scurry up there and greet Her Highness. She came down all right, fearlessly, as she usually did, and brandishing a lethal-looking wooden stake.
"I said, I was leaving," I told her. "The twig is unnecessary."
She flung it aside lightly and faced me, arms crossed in front of her like armor, determination in her face. Her beautiful, alive face.
"It's not for you, Spike. It's 2 am. I don't go out unarmed - ever. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
I turned back to my satchel, keeping one eye on her, in case she changed her mind and decided to jump me after all. "Not that it's any of your sodding business, I'm packing. For the last time, which should make you and all your little sidekicks very happy. I'm out of Sunnydale, for good."
"You promised, Spike. You promised you would protect her for me. I counted on you." She was quietly accusing, which tore me up more than the angry ranting which I had been expecting would have.
I closed the satchel firmly, not looking at her, not able to look at her, truth be told. I tried hard to gather my thoughts, but I was so distracted by the want, no the need, to crush her to me and welcome her back from the dead, I couldn't think straight.
"You're right. I did promise. I went there, all ready to be turned to dust, just to prove myself to you, keep the Bit safe for you, and all I got was stabbed and thrown off the tower. And I got up from a pile of rubble to find a dead Slayer. No end of the world; Dawn and creation all safe and sound; myself, all safe and sound. And you gone."
She sighed and looked down at her feet. "So you wimped out and ran with your tail between your legs."
"Okay," I replied quietly. "I deserve that. But I deserve a mite of credit, too. I tried. I stayed for two months. I looked after her, after them, every day. I patrolled, slew demon after demon, baby-sat for all the little Slayerless Scooby meetings, and you know what? After a bit, I couldn't take it anymore. I spent all that time, trying to make you understand how I felt, and you brushed me off and then you left. I know you had to do it, but I couldn't stay here one more minute, looking at kid Sis and that fucking robot."
She looked back up at me then, and amazingly, there were tears in her eyes. They stung me, because I knew I had put them there.
"I didn't want to come back," she said. "I was safe and happy, and my work was over. And after I was back a day or two, when I was used to just being again, I looked for you. I wanted to thank you for helping us. I saw you falling from the tower that night, I hoped you were all right. I knew you tried to protect her and I thought if anything happened to me you would still protect her. I know she's fine, but you promised me. And you left. Just like everyone else does."
I opened my mouth to try to say something, anything, I couldn't believe she was lumping me in with Angel and Riley, and the thought hit me that it was more than that. Ripper had left as well, and her father, that Parker asshole and some Scott I had heard about after the fact. Even Wolf Boy had taken off, after being an integral part of the group. Joyce was gone, as well.
"But, I came back, Luv, as soon as I heard. I came back to tell you why.."
"It doesn't matter," she whispered, looking around for her stake, preparing to walk back through the cemetery and probably out of my wretched life forever. Well, I wasn't going to stop her.
Bloody hell I wasn't.
I have damned the romantic leftovers in my soulless shell on occasion, and never more than at that moment, when I knew that no matter what, crawl on the floor, debase myself, throw my arms around her legs and try to keep her there, no matter what she said or did, even if she staked me, finally finishing me off, she wasn't going up that ladder until I had my say.
"Buffy, stop. It does matter. It has always mattered and that's what I'm trying to get across here. We do speak the same language, the only problem is that you don't understand."
She looked at me, incredulous. "Understand? I don't understand? I do understand, Spike. I get that you think you have this - connection with me. I get that you want to know me a lot better. I think you worked on it a long time, and you got pissed that you couldn't get to me, so you just left, seeing as I wasn't around to impress anymore."
That made me really mad, and I moved at vamp speed to block her from setting a foot on the ladder.
"Is that what you think? Is that really what you think? I've humiliated myself, I don't know how many times, because of you. Why can't you simply believe what I've been trying to tell you all along? I wanted to fall down and turn to dust every day and every night since I lost you. I want to be the one. Your one."
She shook her head slowly, the tears still forming in her eyes. I reached out slowly and put my hand over her heart, carefully, tenderly, holding her eyes with my own as intensely as a vampire could. I didn't want her to look away.
"Can't you feel me? Here in your heart. I can bloody well feel you in my dead heart. I told you I hate it, I never wanted you there, I wanted you dead, and then, when you were, I would have given the last and next hundred years of my life to get you back. If I had known what they, what Willow was planning.well, I would have dug you out of there myself with my bare hands."
She put one of her hands over the cold one resting over her heart. "I should have dusted you when I had the chance," she told me quietly.
"Already there, Pet, it's like I told somebody lately, staking would just make it official." I reluctantly took my hand from the warmth of her body, reaching to take the stake from her hand and pressing the point to my chest. "If this is really the way you want it, have a go. Or if you just want to have a knock-down, drag-out till one of us is dead again, we can have a go at that, too."
"You'll lose," she assured me calmly, confident as always.
I smiled a bit crookedly then, feeling some of my old bravado sneak in; I had never backed down from the Slayer when it counted. "Who knows? I might win by a headache."
Some brief sadness flickered across her eyes then, but she quelled whatever it was and looked me squarely in the face. "Get out of my way, Spike. I'm going home. I'll expect to see this place empty the next time I come here."
I stepped aside and bowed mockingly. "Absolutely, Your Slayerness," I said sarcastically, as she brushed by me and climbed up the ladder without even a backward glance.
"You won't have Spike to kick around anymore!" I called up after her.
She didn't say another word, just walked out of my life. After I threw a few things against the wall, cursing myself for what I was, I resumed packing.
Unfulfilled 2
By Annie
Rated: PG; language
Spoilers: The Gift
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Feedback: crehnert@ptd.net
PACKING
First thing I did when I got back to town was throw the Squank Demon living in my crypt out on its' trespassing ass. He had a bit of trash scattered around, but otherwise nothing much seemed to be disturbed. Except the sodding telly was smashed in. Probably didn't know what it was.
Telly was low on my list of priorities, though. I wouldn't admit that I was half afraid to face the Slayer or any of her gang, so I just told myself I had to get my place in order, in case Buffy heard I was back in town and dropped by. Yea, that was it.
So, finally, the second night in, when the only possible thing I had left to do was replace the TV, I decided to venture out - to Revello Drive.
I almost didn't go, almost couldn't make my feet take me, but hey, I was the Big Bad. What's a little skip-town and break-a-promise among friends? Or enemies. They all probably told each other it was just what they would have expected out of that prick Spike.
It was very late when I got there, standing outside in my old place by the tree. I refrained from lighting a cig, just in case anyone might see the lighter flaring in the dark. Most of the lights were off, except for a dim nightlight in the kitchen, and one more in Buffy's bedroom. I couldn't see into the room, and briefly considered climbing the tree, then brushed the thought away as juvenile.
She came to the window and looked out, and I melted back behind the trunk of the tree, not wanting to be caught snooping. I didn't want her to know I was in town, not this way.
I could almost smell her, that was how hard she crashed into my senses just then. I don't think I have ever been so deeply happy as I was at exactly that moment. Buffy alive, even in silhouette, was an exhilarating sight, and I blinked rapidly, unaccustomed to the swell of feelings I was experiencing.
Well, I really needed a smoke now.
But she moved even closer to the window, and I could sense her sensing me; the Slayer can feel the presence of a vampire; and this vampire was certainly attuned to this particular Slayer's vibes. Time to get back to the crypt.
I hadn't gotten halfway down the block when I heard the sound of the front door opening and the hurried footsteps on the porch steps. Damn. No sense trying to run now. The jig was up. So I bluffed.
I turned around in feigned surprise. And she was right there, alive, standing on the sidewalk ten feet in front of me and I don't think I ever had a happier second in either one of my lives. She was scowling at me, and I tried to pretend I didn't notice. I don't even know how I got my dead throat to form words, but I managed to engage my reeling brain.
I reached for a smoke nonchalantly, trying to hide the shake in my hands.
"So, 'Bot, done patrolling for the night, are you? Kill all the little beasties or did you leave a few for me?"
She didn't speak, emotions warring nakedly on her face; she was surprised, shocked, angry, and, praise the god of all demons, underneath all that she was glad to see me. I smelled it.
The anger won out, as I had known it would.
"You left," she stated quietly, as if I didn't already know that.
I took a short drag and blew it insolently in her direction. "You didn't need me. You were doing the job well enough..."
"Spike, I'm not the 'Bot. That thing is retired. You know it's me. I know you do."
My cigarette hand was shaking so badly there was no point pretending to smoke.
"Yea, so I left. I wasn't needed here anymore. You were gone. And now you're back, and what? Going to stake me now, because I left town, because I did the thing you were trying to get me to do for months?"
"I don't want to talk to you Spike. I don't want to see you - ever. I expected more from you, and I shouldn't have. Feel free to move on anytime; and make it soon."
She turned and walked back into the house without even a backward glance or one hesitant step. Didn't fight, didn't yell, didn't threaten to stake me or anything. Not a good sign.
"I just did what you wanted me to do! I left town!" I shouted after her, trying not to let the desperation seep into my voice. "Dawn was safe and you were.gone! And now I'm going, too!"
Well, I guess as far as I was concerned, she was still gone.
I kicked a hole in every fence I passed on the way back to my crypt. And the first thing I did when I got there was find my bottle. I am such a weakling, such a sucker for a pretty face, nice hair and a body the gods would get hard for. there I went, off in fantasyland once again.
Don't like blondes anyway, remember? I like 'em dark and dangerous. Of course, the Slayer was pretty dangerous. Kicked my English ass more than a few times in the past, hadn't she? But things were okay, we were almost getting along and then she had to go and jump off a fucking tower and kill herself.
The bourbon just made me angry, except in retrospect I think it was really making me horny and frustrated. So I decided to leave, once and for all, and for the last time, so help me fires of hellgods.
I was downstairs, still drinking and throwing some of my favorite weapons into a satchel when I heard her come in. I almost didn't hear her at all, which was unusual, because every other time she entered my humble home, she just slammed in noisily. Loud enough to wake the dead.
I stood calmly, waiting for her to climb down the ladder. Be damned if I was going to scurry up there and greet Her Highness. She came down all right, fearlessly, as she usually did, and brandishing a lethal-looking wooden stake.
"I said, I was leaving," I told her. "The twig is unnecessary."
She flung it aside lightly and faced me, arms crossed in front of her like armor, determination in her face. Her beautiful, alive face.
"It's not for you, Spike. It's 2 am. I don't go out unarmed - ever. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
I turned back to my satchel, keeping one eye on her, in case she changed her mind and decided to jump me after all. "Not that it's any of your sodding business, I'm packing. For the last time, which should make you and all your little sidekicks very happy. I'm out of Sunnydale, for good."
"You promised, Spike. You promised you would protect her for me. I counted on you." She was quietly accusing, which tore me up more than the angry ranting which I had been expecting would have.
I closed the satchel firmly, not looking at her, not able to look at her, truth be told. I tried hard to gather my thoughts, but I was so distracted by the want, no the need, to crush her to me and welcome her back from the dead, I couldn't think straight.
"You're right. I did promise. I went there, all ready to be turned to dust, just to prove myself to you, keep the Bit safe for you, and all I got was stabbed and thrown off the tower. And I got up from a pile of rubble to find a dead Slayer. No end of the world; Dawn and creation all safe and sound; myself, all safe and sound. And you gone."
She sighed and looked down at her feet. "So you wimped out and ran with your tail between your legs."
"Okay," I replied quietly. "I deserve that. But I deserve a mite of credit, too. I tried. I stayed for two months. I looked after her, after them, every day. I patrolled, slew demon after demon, baby-sat for all the little Slayerless Scooby meetings, and you know what? After a bit, I couldn't take it anymore. I spent all that time, trying to make you understand how I felt, and you brushed me off and then you left. I know you had to do it, but I couldn't stay here one more minute, looking at kid Sis and that fucking robot."
She looked back up at me then, and amazingly, there were tears in her eyes. They stung me, because I knew I had put them there.
"I didn't want to come back," she said. "I was safe and happy, and my work was over. And after I was back a day or two, when I was used to just being again, I looked for you. I wanted to thank you for helping us. I saw you falling from the tower that night, I hoped you were all right. I knew you tried to protect her and I thought if anything happened to me you would still protect her. I know she's fine, but you promised me. And you left. Just like everyone else does."
I opened my mouth to try to say something, anything, I couldn't believe she was lumping me in with Angel and Riley, and the thought hit me that it was more than that. Ripper had left as well, and her father, that Parker asshole and some Scott I had heard about after the fact. Even Wolf Boy had taken off, after being an integral part of the group. Joyce was gone, as well.
"But, I came back, Luv, as soon as I heard. I came back to tell you why.."
"It doesn't matter," she whispered, looking around for her stake, preparing to walk back through the cemetery and probably out of my wretched life forever. Well, I wasn't going to stop her.
Bloody hell I wasn't.
I have damned the romantic leftovers in my soulless shell on occasion, and never more than at that moment, when I knew that no matter what, crawl on the floor, debase myself, throw my arms around her legs and try to keep her there, no matter what she said or did, even if she staked me, finally finishing me off, she wasn't going up that ladder until I had my say.
"Buffy, stop. It does matter. It has always mattered and that's what I'm trying to get across here. We do speak the same language, the only problem is that you don't understand."
She looked at me, incredulous. "Understand? I don't understand? I do understand, Spike. I get that you think you have this - connection with me. I get that you want to know me a lot better. I think you worked on it a long time, and you got pissed that you couldn't get to me, so you just left, seeing as I wasn't around to impress anymore."
That made me really mad, and I moved at vamp speed to block her from setting a foot on the ladder.
"Is that what you think? Is that really what you think? I've humiliated myself, I don't know how many times, because of you. Why can't you simply believe what I've been trying to tell you all along? I wanted to fall down and turn to dust every day and every night since I lost you. I want to be the one. Your one."
She shook her head slowly, the tears still forming in her eyes. I reached out slowly and put my hand over her heart, carefully, tenderly, holding her eyes with my own as intensely as a vampire could. I didn't want her to look away.
"Can't you feel me? Here in your heart. I can bloody well feel you in my dead heart. I told you I hate it, I never wanted you there, I wanted you dead, and then, when you were, I would have given the last and next hundred years of my life to get you back. If I had known what they, what Willow was planning.well, I would have dug you out of there myself with my bare hands."
She put one of her hands over the cold one resting over her heart. "I should have dusted you when I had the chance," she told me quietly.
"Already there, Pet, it's like I told somebody lately, staking would just make it official." I reluctantly took my hand from the warmth of her body, reaching to take the stake from her hand and pressing the point to my chest. "If this is really the way you want it, have a go. Or if you just want to have a knock-down, drag-out till one of us is dead again, we can have a go at that, too."
"You'll lose," she assured me calmly, confident as always.
I smiled a bit crookedly then, feeling some of my old bravado sneak in; I had never backed down from the Slayer when it counted. "Who knows? I might win by a headache."
Some brief sadness flickered across her eyes then, but she quelled whatever it was and looked me squarely in the face. "Get out of my way, Spike. I'm going home. I'll expect to see this place empty the next time I come here."
I stepped aside and bowed mockingly. "Absolutely, Your Slayerness," I said sarcastically, as she brushed by me and climbed up the ladder without even a backward glance.
"You won't have Spike to kick around anymore!" I called up after her.
She didn't say another word, just walked out of my life. After I threw a few things against the wall, cursing myself for what I was, I resumed packing.