Chapter 4 -- Shining Through
"In the dark," Mel repeated as they stood in her pitch-black bedroom. Every light in the apartment had been extinguished, the shades and curtains drawn, and more dark material placed over the window, assuring that the bedroom truly was completely dark. "I had no idea you meant that so literally, Cole…"
"Do you humans have a creation myth?" he asked, ignoring the statement.
"Um, several. Why?"
"For Cirronians, the universe began with darkness. The Spirit of the Flame separated Herself from the Great Darkness and became Migar. But She had once been a part of that Darkness and, although distinct, She was never truly separate from Him, Mel."
Mel nodded her understanding. "Duality. Exact opposites combined to create a balanced whole."
"Yes, Mel. All beings have both light and dark within them. Not like some humans consider them, not good and evil, simply light and darkness."
"Okay." She shifted uncomfortably. It bothered her not to be able to look at a person while talking to them, and she had no idea where Cole was right now. His gentle voice filled the entire room, making him impossible to locate.
"Like the Hwa'an, Mel, the Spirit of the Flame, we all begin in darkness. That is why our lessons must begin there as well if we are to truly know ourselves."
"Um, makes sense." She looked around, trying to locate him.
"Does the darkness scare you, Mel?" he asked gently, his mouth inches from her left ear.
She jumped, startled. "Jeez! Are you trying to give me a heart-attack?" she demanded, spinning to face him only to find that he was no longer standing there. "Stop it, Cole," she said, shaking her head. "This isn't funny."
His hands grasped her shoulders lightly from behind. He could feel her discomfort, and it troubled him greatly. Without her trust, absolute and unshakable, they would be unable to accomplish anything. "It is not meant to be. Is it this darkness that scares you, Mel, or is it placing yourself into the hands of another?" He took his hands from her shoulders and moved away again.
"I… I'm not scared of the dark, Cole," she protested. "I just… I feel vulnerable right now. I… I can't see where you are or what you are doing."
"But do you trust me?" he asked gently from directly in front of her.
She reached out to touch him, but he was already gone. "Of course I do. I just wish you'd hold still!"
"No, Mel," Cole replied in the darkness, his voice grave. "You tell me that you feel vulnerable now, like this, alone with me in the darkness? Were you less vulnerable last night? Alone, with me, in the darkness?"
"That was different!"
"No, it was not. You trusted me to restrain myself in your presence and in the face of great temptation. You trusted me to do what was right. Do you have that same faith in me now?"
"Yes," she said, nodding. "Of course I do."
"Then give in to it. We are only ever as vulnerable as we allow ourselves to be. Last night, many times in the past, you have willing made yourself vulnerable to me, as I have willingly made myself vulnerable to you. Why, Mel?"
"Because I trust you. Because you trust me."
"Then trust in me now," he pled quietly.
"Is that the first lesson? Trust?"
"No. Trust must exist before anything can be learned."
"But I do trust you!" she protested.
"Then why are you nervous now?" he pressed, again breathing the words into her ear.
She spun quickly, grabbing his arm before he could retreat. "Because I was allowing myself to be vulnerable."
Gentle fingers brushed her forehead. "But why do you feel vulnerable if you genuinely trust me?" he asked, confused.
"I… I don't…"
"Why do you feel vulnerable?" he persisted. "To what? To me?"
"No."
"To what, then?"
"To… to my own…" She shook her head, annoyed. "Cole, please," she sighed.
"Mel, this is something I need to understand about you if I am to help you. You don't trust people easily, and even once you have placed your trust in them, you still have this… reluctance to… let them get… close, emotionally. Why?"
"Because I'm a huge 'friady cat?" she suggested, throwing up her hands in disgust. "It's just the way I am, okay? I don't like putting myself into other people's hands…"
"You put yourself into my hands last night," he pointed out, confused.
"That was different!" she protested again. She bit her lips as she felt strong arms gathering her into a gentle embrace.
"I don't understand this distinction you are making, Mel," he told her simply as he pulled her against him. She was uncomfortable, more than a little afraid for some reason, and very, very defensive.
She sighed and rested her cheek against his chest. "I… all my life, I have had this problem with letting people in, okay?"
"In?"
"Letting them know the real me, I guess. Like I'm afraid that the minute they see the real me they'll… leave." The last word was a whisper.
"Leave?" Cole shook his head and tightened his grip on her. "Mel, I will never leave you. Not ever, not for as long as you will allow me to be a part of your life."
"But…"
"And I do know the 'real you'." Cole sighed and rested his chin on the top of her head. "The first time I saw you, I started getting to know her, and she is remarkable. What man who knew what an amazing woman you really are would want anything other than to spend his life with you?"
"You want the list?" she asked bitterly. "Do you know how many guys I've chased off in my life, Cole? Guys get to know me and they leave."
"Then they were fools."
"Yeah, well, my grandmother always said I had crappy taste in guys."
"If this is true, why should you care about what they think?"
She shook her head. He was going to think she was an idiot if she actually said it out loud but, at the same time, this was Cole. He had always been completely honest with her and now he was asking her for the same courtesy.
"Please, Mel. You can tell me," he urged gently. " I understand that sometimes people don't always understand everything about themselves. Is that it? Do you not know?"
She nodded. "I know, Cole," she sighed. "Please… please don't…. laugh at me or anything."
"No, Mel. I could never laugh at you."
She closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. "Being alone scares me, okay? I hate it! I've spent most of my life feeling alone, and I'd rather be in a shitty relationship, letting some jerk use me, than be by myself. Okay? You happy?" she demanded.
"How could I be happy, Mel?" he whispered, horrified by her admission. "Oh, Mel…" He shook his head, his eyes swimming with tears for her.
Mel waited. There were men who would have left then and there; she had dated enough of them to know that. How would Cole, who considered marriage and sex to be sacred acts, take her confession? She had used and she had allowed herself to be used for almost half of her life. She was damaged goods and now the only man she had ever really loved knew it. Which was his cue to exit, stage left.
"Never again, Mel," he whispered gently, caressing her throat.
"You're not… angry?"
"That you have been afraid, Mel? Sad, yes, but not angry. Never angry." He shook his head. "You have lived so much of your life like this, in the darkness, but never again. It's time for you to see the Light," he told her in a low, loving voice.
"Show me," she whispered, moved to tears. He still loved her. "Show me how to see the Light."
"Yes, Mel. Lie down. Calm yourself. Can you do that?"
"I can try." She nodded and groped her way to the bed.
"Do you know how to meditate?" he asked.
"Um, not… really."
"We can start there, then," he said gently. "Lie down, Mel. Make yourself comfortable."
She nodded and slipped off her shoes before stretching out. She shifted a few times before finding a comfortable position.
"Okay," she told him.
"Give me your hand, Mel," he directed gently, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Mel nodded and groped for his hand in the darkness. "What do I do."
"Just listen to my voice," he told her gently, taking her hand in both of his. "Do what I tell you. Don't try, don't think, just allow it to happen. Can you do that?"
"I can… try," she finished, shaking her head. He told her not to try and five seconds later, here she was, promising to try. "Do or do not, there is no 'try'," she murmured, quoting Yoda.
"Exactly, Mel," Cole agreed, smiling to himself.
He had seen the Star Wars movies and considered the philosophy sound. That philosophy, at least. Most of the philosophy in the first three actually, although the two new ones had just left him scratching his head and wondering if Lucas had not at some point been possessed by a Vardian who had decided that episodes one and two, and probably three as well, would be a good joke at the expense of the human race. It would have been typical of a Vardian. First a twenty year wait and then trying to pass those travesties off as the real thing. He had mentioned the theory to Mel recently, and she had spent some time laughing before considering it and announcing that he actually did have a point.
"Okay." She nodded and took a deep breath. "Let's do it."
Cole smiled and nodded. He kept his voice low and soothing. "Close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Take very deep breaths, Mel. Fill your lungs. Good, now hold that. That's good. Now exhale slowly. That's very good, Mel. Keep breathing just like that for a few minutes. Count to three every time you inhale, then count to three again while you hold that air in your lungs, then do it again as you exhale. Now count to three before you do it again. Slow and easy, Mel."
He listened to her breathing in the darkness, feeling her life-force through her hand as it gradually began to relax. The counting was slowly taking her mind off of everything except for this one bodily function, and as the stresses and anxieties of the day were gradually set aside, her body relaxed. She was not ignoring them, simply… setting them aside for a short time. Cole allowed himself to do the same, focusing all of his attention on teaching Mel.
"You're doing fine, Mel," he told her after almost half an hour. Keeping his voice as low and loving as he had when he had talked her through the first use of her Cirronian powers, he spoke. "There is energy in all things, Mel. It runs through and connects everything. People, planets, the stars, Mel. Not separate. Pieces. Parts of the same Whole. There is energy in you; you tapped it when you reenergized my life-force. That same energy is also all around you, Mel, and you can tap it, too. I'll show you how some day, how to feel it and direct it. For now, just accept that it is there. Believe what I have told you."
"Cirronians don't lie," she murmured. "Of course I believe you…"
Cole smiled and nodded. "Good, Mel. You accept that which is. This is the first step. There is energy in the air all around you, Mel. Every time you inhale, you take some of that energy into your body. Every time you exhale, you expel some. Do you understand?"
"Think so."
"Good, Mel." Cole smiled. She was quick. He had expected nothing less. "These past days have been stressful, Mel. They have shifted the energy-fields within you. Your energy is unbalanced, Mel. The ratio of light to dark is skewed. This leads you to feel stressed and tense. So we need to shift the balance, return the equilibrium."
"How?"
"Every time you inhale, you take in energy. Every time you exhale, you expel energy," he reminded gently. "Energy is divided into the light and the dark. Dark is not bad. Light is not good. They simply are, opposing halves of the same whole. Too much of one is as bad as too much of the other. It is possible to have too much positive energy, too much of the light. In your case, though, there is too much of the dark. The symptoms are different. I can teach you later, but for now we must return you to balance."
"Okay."
"When you inhale, focus on taking in that positive energy."
"How?"
"Imagine that you inhale a blue-white mist. And that when you exhale, that mist is black. See it in your mind's eye, Mel, and keep breathing as I have show you."
Mel nodded slightly and focused on visualizing the different colors of mist as Cole had suggested. As silly as it seemed, her trust in Cole allowed her to do it without hesitation. A cloud of blue mist hung in front of her mouth, and every time she inhaled, a little was sucked in. When she exhaled, the black mist quickly dissipated in the blue-white mist, like fog under the first touch of sunlight. Eyes half-closed, she could see the mists clearly, just as she could see Cole's large, strong hands gently grasping her own hand.
Which, considering that the bedroom was totally dark, should have been impossible.
Startled, she sat up, staring at Cole with wide eyes. She could see him perfectly well, could see into the far corners of the bedroom. The whole room was bathed in a gentle, delicate, silvery-blue glow. It was not the brilliant blue-white mist she had been inhaling. It was softer, more subdued than that. Neither was it the black mist she had been exhaling, although that had carried a radiance of its own. No, this glow bathing Cole and Mel herself, her entire bedroom, was different somehow. She looked into his bottomless brown eyes, shining with approval, and suddenly understood.
It was coming from her, from beneath her skin. This was… this was what her life-force looked like, she realized, turning her face to the mirror. It was almost heartbreakingly beautiful, and it was hers. She turned to Cole again, her eyes swimming with tears, her soul filled with joy and understanding. It was as if her entire existence, her purpose in life, were suddenly perfectly clear.
To illuminate, she thought to herself. To shed light on. To illuminate. To bring understanding to.
Shaking her head, stunned by that which she felt inside of her, no longer something that she was capable of hiding or denying, she reached up with her free hand and lightly rested it over Cole's heart. Never in her life had she felt as serene as she did in this moment, and it was all because of him, all thanks to this amazing man who had entered her light like a bolt from above and proceeded, without trying, to insinuate himself into every facet of her being. She knew that she was crying, but that was okay, because he was crying too, a radiant smile on his face.
A second glow joined the silvery-blue first glow, this one a subdued golden-brown, as Cole's life-force responded to the call of Mel's. And in that moment, two souls who had spent years feeling alone knew that, come what may, they would never be alone again.