DARKEST
By Annie
Rated: PG
Summary: Crap happens; vague spoiler for Seeing Red
Disclaimer: Will never ever own any of them. Won't ever make any money.
Feedback: crehnert@ptd.net
DARKEST
My throat tightened painfully as I scooped the ashes into a little pile. I had to be careful not to cry. I couldn't get them wet. The size of the pile was totally disproportionate to the amount of pain it caused.
I thought a lot of days were the darkest days of my life. They were merely gray, the shades of blackness and sorrow still to come only hinted at, tiny little jabs at my heart in an attempt to harden me. I was hard, I thought. I tried not to be.
The darkest day of my life was when Merrick, the unassuming little man, came to me at the end of a shallow school day and told me about the vampires.
The darkest day of my life was when my parents separated for good, almost a relief to be done with the constant fighting and tension, but still the end of my happy, secure family.
The darkest day of my life was when I had to move to a new town, new school, new people. New demons.
The darkest day of my life was when I realized that I could indeed be killed, even if only by a bit of water, forced upon me by a crazed master vampire with delusions of world dominance.
The darkest day of my life was when I had to run the man I loved through with a sword to save the world, throwing away any semblance of happiness I might have had.
The darkest day of my life was when my Mother left me, forever.
The darkest day of my life was when I threw myself from a tower into a confusing brew of dimensions - to save my sister. And the world. Again.
The darkest day of my life was when they brought me back to my life, took me away from the calm and quiet that had become my existence.
The darkest days of my life were sunrises and rainbows, compared to this.
Of course, it was an accident; I would have never..well, maybe a year or two ago, I would have done it, without any kind of remorse. But now, the way we lived, in this uneasy truce of ours.. I still couldn't do it. I used to only scoff at the idea that he could actually love me. Not Spike. Not without a beating heart or at least a soul. But looking back, he had proved himself, numerous times, even when I was dead and he couldn't get any credit for it. Our little 'thing', for want of a better word, was so hurtful to both of us. Most especially to Spike. I had to finally recognize that he felt, or at least thought he felt, this all-encompassing love for me. I couldn't return it. I couldn't risk that I would have to live that nightmare over again. Kill my love to save the world? Ludicrous.
Still, having done it once, I could never do it again, and would never put myself in a position where it might have come up.
That night in my bathroom burned in my memory more as a testament to the fruitlessness of any relationship we might have had. Yes, I was crushed by his actions, and yes, I understood where he was coming from in those moments. I have myself felt the desperation of love one cannot follow through with. I had to ultimately be the strong one. Had to stop it before it went down as the most unhealthy relationship in the history of the world.
But, still, the uneasy truce. There were far bigger things to deal with on the Hellmouth, and some nights he would just silently join me. Just show up beside me, not speaking, unable to find the words to say he was sorry about that night, and myself unable to find the words to make his hurt any worse than it already was. After several months of this, it was turning into an almost welcome routine. At least I had someone to watch my back.
I should have been more careful.
That night, they came all at once, from seemingly every direction, and we fought as we usually did, flinging vamps aside carelessly and throwing them to the ground to dust them triumphantly. There had been at least eight of them, and the fighting was so intense, I was lost in it. I don't know if I forgot he was with me, or just got lost in the heat of the battle, but I backed up from one vamp, and felt another just behind me, turning automatically to drive the stake through his back, into his heart. I impaled him so hard my hand actually touched the sweater he was wearing, and sudden horrible knowledge made me withdraw frantically, automatically kicking out behind me to get the other vampire away for a second. I ripped the stake out, turned, and, barely aiming, flung the stake at the other vamp, hitting my mark fatally, not waiting to see the explosion of dust.
By the time I turned back, Spike was gone.
One enemy vamp was left, and he took one look at my face and high- tailed it out of there. I paid no attention, standing in shock and looking at the pile of dust I had made. That I had made with my own traitorous hand. On the darkest day of my life.
To be continued
By Annie
Rated: PG
Summary: Crap happens; vague spoiler for Seeing Red
Disclaimer: Will never ever own any of them. Won't ever make any money.
Feedback: crehnert@ptd.net
DARKEST
My throat tightened painfully as I scooped the ashes into a little pile. I had to be careful not to cry. I couldn't get them wet. The size of the pile was totally disproportionate to the amount of pain it caused.
I thought a lot of days were the darkest days of my life. They were merely gray, the shades of blackness and sorrow still to come only hinted at, tiny little jabs at my heart in an attempt to harden me. I was hard, I thought. I tried not to be.
The darkest day of my life was when Merrick, the unassuming little man, came to me at the end of a shallow school day and told me about the vampires.
The darkest day of my life was when my parents separated for good, almost a relief to be done with the constant fighting and tension, but still the end of my happy, secure family.
The darkest day of my life was when I had to move to a new town, new school, new people. New demons.
The darkest day of my life was when I realized that I could indeed be killed, even if only by a bit of water, forced upon me by a crazed master vampire with delusions of world dominance.
The darkest day of my life was when I had to run the man I loved through with a sword to save the world, throwing away any semblance of happiness I might have had.
The darkest day of my life was when my Mother left me, forever.
The darkest day of my life was when I threw myself from a tower into a confusing brew of dimensions - to save my sister. And the world. Again.
The darkest day of my life was when they brought me back to my life, took me away from the calm and quiet that had become my existence.
The darkest days of my life were sunrises and rainbows, compared to this.
Of course, it was an accident; I would have never..well, maybe a year or two ago, I would have done it, without any kind of remorse. But now, the way we lived, in this uneasy truce of ours.. I still couldn't do it. I used to only scoff at the idea that he could actually love me. Not Spike. Not without a beating heart or at least a soul. But looking back, he had proved himself, numerous times, even when I was dead and he couldn't get any credit for it. Our little 'thing', for want of a better word, was so hurtful to both of us. Most especially to Spike. I had to finally recognize that he felt, or at least thought he felt, this all-encompassing love for me. I couldn't return it. I couldn't risk that I would have to live that nightmare over again. Kill my love to save the world? Ludicrous.
Still, having done it once, I could never do it again, and would never put myself in a position where it might have come up.
That night in my bathroom burned in my memory more as a testament to the fruitlessness of any relationship we might have had. Yes, I was crushed by his actions, and yes, I understood where he was coming from in those moments. I have myself felt the desperation of love one cannot follow through with. I had to ultimately be the strong one. Had to stop it before it went down as the most unhealthy relationship in the history of the world.
But, still, the uneasy truce. There were far bigger things to deal with on the Hellmouth, and some nights he would just silently join me. Just show up beside me, not speaking, unable to find the words to say he was sorry about that night, and myself unable to find the words to make his hurt any worse than it already was. After several months of this, it was turning into an almost welcome routine. At least I had someone to watch my back.
I should have been more careful.
That night, they came all at once, from seemingly every direction, and we fought as we usually did, flinging vamps aside carelessly and throwing them to the ground to dust them triumphantly. There had been at least eight of them, and the fighting was so intense, I was lost in it. I don't know if I forgot he was with me, or just got lost in the heat of the battle, but I backed up from one vamp, and felt another just behind me, turning automatically to drive the stake through his back, into his heart. I impaled him so hard my hand actually touched the sweater he was wearing, and sudden horrible knowledge made me withdraw frantically, automatically kicking out behind me to get the other vampire away for a second. I ripped the stake out, turned, and, barely aiming, flung the stake at the other vamp, hitting my mark fatally, not waiting to see the explosion of dust.
By the time I turned back, Spike was gone.
One enemy vamp was left, and he took one look at my face and high- tailed it out of there. I paid no attention, standing in shock and looking at the pile of dust I had made. That I had made with my own traitorous hand. On the darkest day of my life.
To be continued