Gandalf: (looking at a map) I think we made a wrong turn somewhere in Detroit.
Pippin: Detroit? Isn't that a state or something?
Merry: City, Pip.
Pippin: Oh, right. Same thing.
Legolas: So are you saying we're lost?
Gandalf: No, of course not!
Frodo: Do you have any idea where we are?
Gandalf: Idea is such a flexible word.
Aragorn: So you're saying we should stop and ask for directions, right?
Gandalf: Yep, yea, that's about right.
Frodo: Aren't you supposed to be Gandalf the Wise or something?
Merry: (whispering) That was before he had his mid-life crisis.
Pippin: (snickers)
Gandalf: Alright, that's it! Hobbits out of the car!
Sam: Um, Gandalf?
Gandalf: What, Sam?
Sam: We aren't driving a car.
Gandalf: Details, details.
Sam: And Gandalf?
Gandalf: WHAT, Sam?
Sam: How'd we end up in New York City if we started in Detroit?
Gandalf: How do you know we're in New York City?
Sam: Just a lucky guess.
Frodo: Um, yea, and plus there's a huge billboard hanging over your head that says "Welcome to New York City."
Sam: Yea, that too.
Pippin: So, do they sell food in New York?
Merry: Yes, we're hungry.
Pippin: Excessively hungry.
Gandalf keeps looking at his map
Merry: As in we need food.
Pippin: Yea, um…now?
Gandalf: It's this way.
Aragorn: What, exactly, is this way?
Gandalf: Some talent show or something, if we win, they give us money. And we need money, as we're lost, without food, no house, and we're not even on the right planet.
Frodo: I was wondering when you'd notice that one.
Aragorn: Don't you need talent to enter a talent show?
Gandalf: Well, yes, but I figured we could pull something together. Heck, we could do some sideshow attraction thing. We don't exactly fit in, after all.
Aragorn: And you just figured that out?
Gandalf clenches his teeth and shoves the map back in his robe
Gandalf: THIS way.
Legolas: Someone's got their panties in a wad!
Sam: Do you even wear panties under that robe, Gandalf?
Gandalf: And what if I don't?
Frodo cringes
Gandalf: Is this Insult Gandalf day or something?!
Pippin: No, that's next week.
Gandalf: It's this way.
Pippin: How is it you sound so sure?
Gandalf: Master Took, after you wander around saving hopeless idiots for as long as I have (Gandalf jerks his head toward Frodo, who is busy picking his nose) you learn how to recognize a bunch of gullible losers who actually think that I know what I'm doing.
Pippin: Are you saying we're gullible?
Gandalf: (rolls eyes) No, Pippin. You're the most intelligent person I've ever met.
Pippin: Aw, really? (hugs Gandalf)
Gandalf: (Goes into nervous melt-down mode) He's violating my personal space! Personal space violation, right here!
Aragorn: Gandalf! Snap out of it! You're supposed to be the leader here!
Gandalf: Oh, right. Of course. I'm fine now, really.
Boromir: Suuure.
Gandalf: Silencio, el potty boy!
Boromir: Where did that come from?
Gandalf: I…don't know.
Boromir: That's disturbing.
Frodo: The mind's the first to go!
Sam: (looking at a big sign) This couldn't be it, could it, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Why yes, here we go.
Frodo: But, Gandalf, that sign's for a beauty pageant. Oh Gandalf, you can't be serious! Gandalf! Answer me! Come ON, Gandalf!
(The Fellowship enters the huge building, only to find out that the contest is, indeed, a beauty pageant, and the host is a complete lunatic)
Host: (who is just a bit too happy, and constantly smiling) Why HELLO there! You must be wondering where the signups are! This WAY, please!
Gandalf: No, actually, we were just leaving.
Host: (voice suddenly gets much deeper and angrier) You must be mistaken!
Legolas: Um…wow, you're scary.
Pippin: Yep, just a little.
Host: Now then, I'd be glad to show you the door just as soon as you decide to enter my pageant.
Gandalf: (sighs) Alright, if you'll let us leave. What do we have to do?
Host: Actually, I only need two more contestants. They've just got to dress up like a girl, that's all.
Frodo: That's ALL?!
Host: Yes, quite simple, isn't it?
Everyone looks at Legolas
Legolas: No WAY. I dressed up like a girl last time!
Frodo: Er…I don't think there was a last time, Legolas.
Gandalf: Legolas, is there something you'd like to tell us?
Legolas: Em…nope, no, not really.
Pippin: Ooh, we'll do it!
Frodo: Who do you mean by we?
Merry: Why, Pip and I, of course!
Host: (after looking Merry and Pippin over) Well…O…K. I guess you'll do. I'm just going to need some ID.
Pippin: What?
Host: Identification.
Pippin: We don't have any.
Merry: Pip's mum sews his name onto his underwear…
(Frodo sniggers)
Gandalf: Well shoot! I guess we'll just have to leave!
(Iron sheets slide down over all the doors and windows)
Gimli: Well, that was incredibly inconvenient.
Pippin: Heh…heh…I don't think I want to do this anymore.
Merry: Me either, you're freaking me out.
Host: That's my job! Follow me!
(The Fellowship stays put)
Host: I said FOLLOW ME!
(The host's assistant comes up and shoots Aragorn in the butt with a cattle prod)
Aragorn: Holy…(rubbing butt) what was that for?!
Host: It's for all our reluctant contestants. We tend to have quite a few. I wonder why!
Boromir: Yea…I wonder why.
(A few minutes later, inside the dressing room)
Host: Ah yes, here we are!
Frodo: Where's here, exactly?
Host: Why, the dressing room, of course!
Merry: Looks like a storage closet to me.
Host: What can I say? There aren't many supporters this year, they're all into those stupid game shows.
Legolas: Hey, maybe we should try and get on one of those sometime!
The host glares at Legolas
Legolas: Or…not.
Pippin: Oh look! Buttons! And tubes of…stuff!
Merry: Sweeet! What's this do?
Merry pushes one of the many buttons lined up just inside the dressing room. All the lights in the entire hall go out.
Frodo: OK, on the count of three, everyone runs!
Pippin: One…two…what comes after two?
Gandalf: THREE!
Just then, the lights turn back on, and the fellowship is met by a large army of armed security guards.
Frodo: Well this stinks.
Host: (shoving the hobbits into the dressing room) If the rest of you will wait outside, we'll be out in a moment.
Frodo: Hold on, I never agreed to be in your little freak show!
Sam: Me either!
Host: Oh, don't worry, you're just backup.
Pippin: Backup for what?
Host: Well, we do have occasional accidents.
Merry: Oh joy.
Pippin: Frodo, if I die, you can have my entire supply of fake vomit, and tell Legolas his pink panties are hidden just under that big bush in Sam's front yard.
Merry: You're not making me feel any better, Pip!
Sam: I never said you could hide underwear in my foliage!
Pippin: Oh shut up already, did you want to do this?
Just outside the door, Aragorn and Boromir have found the surge box, and with Gandalf's help, are trying to figure out which switch turns off the power in the studio.
Gandalf: Why don't you just flick them all off and see what happens?
Aragorn: Because one of these is the switch for all those iron walls blocking the exits!
Boromir: Oh. That complicates things a bit.
Legolas: Move over already!
Legolas turns all the switches off, and then on again. The iron doors come up, because of the power surge. The host pops out of the dressing room, followed by Merry and Pippin, who are dressed in frilly pink dresses, and Frodo and Sam, who look quite scared.
Host: What did you DO?!
Legolas: Honestly, we didn't touch anything. You must be imagining things.
Aragorn: (snickering) You two look like GIRLS!
Merry: Aww, are we pretty girls?
Gandalf: Um…well, are pretty and cross dresser the same things?
The host runs over to find the lid off the surge protector open. While her back is turned, the fellowship runs full-force down the hall.
Merry: Hold on a minute, this stupid dress is riding up on me!
Gandalf: Come on already, before she figures out we're gone!
Frodo: Wait! I've got an idea! Run into the men's bathroom, there's no way she'd follow us in there!
Pippin: They actually separate their bathrooms?
Merry: Wow, I had no idea! I usually just use a tree!
Boromir: Well, Gondor has actual bathrooms.
Merry: Yea, and so does the Shire, I just like peeing on trees.
Frodo: Oh, wonderful. Too much information.
Legolas: Aw crud, she's following us!
Aragorn: This has GOT to be one of those days!
Gandalf: Just go! Now!
Pippin: Wait! What about our clothes?!
Sam: Pippin, Pippin. Didn't your mom always teach you to bring a spare change of clothes just incase you run into some maniac psycho pageant host lady that tells you if you'll dress up like a girl, then she'd release you from her beauty studio from hell?
Pippin: No, she was too busy sewing my name in my underwear! (Pippin shoots a glare over at Merry)
The Fellowship runs into the men's bathroom, just as the host catches up to them.
Host: Oh, cute! You've gotta come out sometime! Unless, of course, you enjoy drinking out of toilets and eating paper towels and hand soap!
Merry: That's a toilet?! I thought it was a water dispenser!
Everyone looks at Merry in disgust
Frodo: Lordy, Merry. That's gross!
Merry: Is this the same Frodo that downed twenty raw pounds of garbage on a bet?
Frodo: Hm…well, I guess that is true. A little dirt never hurt anyone, right?
Frodo starts drinking out of the toilet in the stall next to Merry. The host is still standing outside the bathroom door, listening to the goings on inside. I might add that she was quite revolted.
Legolas: (whispering) OK, I think the drink-out-of-toilet scheme's working. On the count of three, we knock down the door and blow this popsicle stand!
Pippin: The count of three?
Aragorn: You're right. We should just go…NOW!
The Fellowship runs, with Aragorn and Boromir in the lead, who completely blow the door off it's hinges, host and all. Gandalf works on taking out the security guards, while Pippin and Merry pick up their skirts and run straight out the door. Frodo and Sam run underneath the oncoming contestants, who are apparently as loony as the host. Gimli knocks out a couple more with the blunt edge of his axe, and Legolas decides it would be a good idea to flat out streak everyone.
The Fellowship, now outside and a few blocks away from the studio, decides to sit down and catch their breath.
Legolas: Where're we off to now, Gandalf?
Gandalf: (just noticing Legolas' nakedness) Perhaps a nudist colony?
Pippin: You might want to put these on…
Pippin produces Legolas' pink underwear from somewhere inside the many frills of his dress
Sam: I thought you said those were underneath my poor bush!
Pippin: (sniggering) I lied.
Merry: Oh come on, you thought we were going to die in there! I know you did!
Legolas: How did you get these in the first place?!
Pippin: From Merry's closet, of course!
Legolas: I'm going to kill you! Both of you! Aggghh!!
Merry: (whips out his sword) Bring it on, ditzy elf-o!
Boromir: Please, not the Spanish again!
Frodo and Sam double over laughing at the sight of Merry, in a skirt, with a sword, threatening an elf that happens to be twice as big as himself.
Aragorn: So um…who knows what time it is?
Gandalf: It's 11:30.
Aragorn: How come it's not dark out yet?
Gandalf: It's 11:30…in the morning.
Aragorn: It's definitely going to be a long day.
Pippin: Where are my clothes?
Merry: Oh, Pip! But you look absolutely smashing in that dress!
Pippin: (twirls around) you really think so?
Gandalf: Pippin, sit back down, people are staring.
Merry: (singing) I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes!
Pippin: Verse one!
Merry and Pippin: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…
Gandalf: Shut UP!