Chaos II: Tears
Xellos stared at him, felt tears fall from his eyes.
He didn't know why did he keep living. Only to receive a deception after another? To see how the reality broke apart in pieces and disappeared?
His reality was in the middle of being destroyed, now a bunch of thoughts that belonged to those selfish beings called humans. The human selfishness didn't knew limits, it was an emotion stronger than love or hate. That aberrant need to own and be owned.
Pathetic creatures, really.
The Mazoku trailed the form of the chimera, nothing had changed except, maybe, his feelings.
Everything in Zelgadiss was heavier. A lot heavier, it was like if to be capable of read his feeling he had to pass for a cloud of smoke.
Xellos had been pathetic, and now he was paying.
Discarded dreams, without a chance of reaching them in this life or any of the others. He had believed he could, that he could be like them, with dreams, hopes and feelings and then forget all of them.
That had been his failure.
This creature staring at the blood in his hands was the cause and reason of his failure.
Xellos had suffered. Hadn't enjoyed it, had paid with blood and tears, and had discovered that it wasn't enough, not for the Beastmaster Xellos Metallium. That being hated that chaotic creature that had proved him to be weak. The one that had bought a meaning to the word pain.
He had bought silence too. Those hollow moments where he realized that he was truly alone and that he would always be, that he had no real reason for living more than serve his mistress, and he too was dispensable.
And then what? What would he do then? What could he do?
His soul didn't existed, and if it did, he hated it. He had understood his own blindness. Human beings tended to think in themselves as the only ones with feelings and emotions.
Xellos despised them.
Pain pleased the ones of his race, they searched for pain to feed of it. But the chimera's pain didn't feed, it was sour and hard, it was like seawater.
Xellos was selfishness in its most pure state.
Xellos was like that, like a human being, with weakness and failures. Always searching for something and receiving something else in return, believing something and finding out that it is nor real, just a lie, lies told to himself to abode the cruel reality, believing to own something and realizing is just the fear to loneliness.
That disgusting need of understanding
The pain you receive for the lack of it.
Were he and the chimera worth of understanding?
Was he, the one without heart or soul, without cares or feelings, the one that tried to forget the horrors of the past, the pain already suffered, the scars no one noticed the sacrifices made and unnoticed, unappreciated?
Self-pity. The most powerful of the mental drugs tat humans had created. He was addicted to it lately.
Submission.
Betrayal swallowed by complacency. To wait for the knowledge that he was doing the right think. The knowledge that it wasn't. Selfishness, pride, rage, self-destruction, self-pity. Destruction.
When had it been the last time that he actually knew what he wanted? Exactly what he needed, what would be worth of anything?
There was Zelgadiss.
A lonely soul like his. A beautiful body. Companionship. Friendship. Love. Weakness. Pain. Human being is stupid.
Its conception of happiness is based in how much suffering you have to pass tough to fin your goal. The more you suffer, the more is the happiness you win. Xellos had felt right. Had felt nice, cared for. He had been loved. Zelgadiss didn't say those words, but all the signs where in those blue eyes. That had been the first thing that he noticed. Their relationship had changed. From a confortable boundless relationship he had ended wanting to be with him. To do things for him. Anything to see him smile.
He knew then too, that he loved him, and worst, that he needed him. Just as he was needed.
Before he had been savage. Didn't care about his acts or consequences of them. The Beastmaster Xellos had refused to admit that.
Xellos wasn't crying yet. At least not like the last time, when he had found himself alone. This was something different. He knew what it was. It was something slow and invisible, that didn't leave him a chance of escaping.. since that night he had decided to prove himself he could handle everything, that he was till the same and that nothing had changed.
"Is that all?" asked the youth.
That's all.
Maybe it's truth. Maybe it was the last breath before accepting he was doomed.
Xellos stared at him, felt tears fall from his eyes.
He didn't know why did he keep living. Only to receive a deception after another? To see how the reality broke apart in pieces and disappeared?
His reality was in the middle of being destroyed, now a bunch of thoughts that belonged to those selfish beings called humans. The human selfishness didn't knew limits, it was an emotion stronger than love or hate. That aberrant need to own and be owned.
Pathetic creatures, really.
The Mazoku trailed the form of the chimera, nothing had changed except, maybe, his feelings.
Everything in Zelgadiss was heavier. A lot heavier, it was like if to be capable of read his feeling he had to pass for a cloud of smoke.
Xellos had been pathetic, and now he was paying.
Discarded dreams, without a chance of reaching them in this life or any of the others. He had believed he could, that he could be like them, with dreams, hopes and feelings and then forget all of them.
That had been his failure.
This creature staring at the blood in his hands was the cause and reason of his failure.
Xellos had suffered. Hadn't enjoyed it, had paid with blood and tears, and had discovered that it wasn't enough, not for the Beastmaster Xellos Metallium. That being hated that chaotic creature that had proved him to be weak. The one that had bought a meaning to the word pain.
He had bought silence too. Those hollow moments where he realized that he was truly alone and that he would always be, that he had no real reason for living more than serve his mistress, and he too was dispensable.
And then what? What would he do then? What could he do?
His soul didn't existed, and if it did, he hated it. He had understood his own blindness. Human beings tended to think in themselves as the only ones with feelings and emotions.
Xellos despised them.
Pain pleased the ones of his race, they searched for pain to feed of it. But the chimera's pain didn't feed, it was sour and hard, it was like seawater.
Xellos was selfishness in its most pure state.
Xellos was like that, like a human being, with weakness and failures. Always searching for something and receiving something else in return, believing something and finding out that it is nor real, just a lie, lies told to himself to abode the cruel reality, believing to own something and realizing is just the fear to loneliness.
That disgusting need of understanding
The pain you receive for the lack of it.
Were he and the chimera worth of understanding?
Was he, the one without heart or soul, without cares or feelings, the one that tried to forget the horrors of the past, the pain already suffered, the scars no one noticed the sacrifices made and unnoticed, unappreciated?
Self-pity. The most powerful of the mental drugs tat humans had created. He was addicted to it lately.
Submission.
Betrayal swallowed by complacency. To wait for the knowledge that he was doing the right think. The knowledge that it wasn't. Selfishness, pride, rage, self-destruction, self-pity. Destruction.
When had it been the last time that he actually knew what he wanted? Exactly what he needed, what would be worth of anything?
There was Zelgadiss.
A lonely soul like his. A beautiful body. Companionship. Friendship. Love. Weakness. Pain. Human being is stupid.
Its conception of happiness is based in how much suffering you have to pass tough to fin your goal. The more you suffer, the more is the happiness you win. Xellos had felt right. Had felt nice, cared for. He had been loved. Zelgadiss didn't say those words, but all the signs where in those blue eyes. That had been the first thing that he noticed. Their relationship had changed. From a confortable boundless relationship he had ended wanting to be with him. To do things for him. Anything to see him smile.
He knew then too, that he loved him, and worst, that he needed him. Just as he was needed.
Before he had been savage. Didn't care about his acts or consequences of them. The Beastmaster Xellos had refused to admit that.
Xellos wasn't crying yet. At least not like the last time, when he had found himself alone. This was something different. He knew what it was. It was something slow and invisible, that didn't leave him a chance of escaping.. since that night he had decided to prove himself he could handle everything, that he was till the same and that nothing had changed.
"Is that all?" asked the youth.
That's all.
Maybe it's truth. Maybe it was the last breath before accepting he was doomed.