HOLY JESUS ON A POGO STICK, IT'S JUNON!!
We had nothing to do with the making of F.F.7. This decrepit piece of 'work' is meant purely for non-profit entertainment purposes. Blah, blah, blah, blah. If YOU copy OUR IDEA we will KILL YOU. We have ways...we know people in HIGH places!!!! This page will self-destruct in 10 minutes...so GET READING BITCH!!!
Created by, Restamon, Hippiemon,..... oh and lazymon
Rated-R for the criminally insane
CHAPTER 2
The group went back into "FINAL FANTASY?"
TIFA: That was awfully considerate of you to care about the townspeople's well being, Cloud.
CLOUD: Oh, I didn't think about that. The author was just getting bored of that fuckin' massive cockroach idea so she got rid of him for good. He doesn't know that any minute now he's gonna get hit by a truck.
TIFA: Yeah, right. She wouldn't do that. That's like you're saying she killed my cockabo off intentionally.
JIMINY CRICKET: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! *SPLAT*
CLOUD: SEE?!!! I TOLD YA!!!
TIFA: _x
AERIS: Got a plan, Cloud?
CLOUD: One way or another that lump of shit is gonna come out - we can't do anything about that. We can't have that thing falling on a civilian area though.
BARRET: We need a dumping ground.
CLOUD: Hmm.
CID: What about that toilet bowl, The Northern Crater? No one lives up there!!!
CLOUD: YEAH! Cid, find a way to position that thing over the Northern Crater.
CID: YES, SIR! Lady Luck, don't fail me!
SEPHIROTH: Kuja and I will stock up on baked beans at Wal-mart.
AERIS: Why? I don't understand.
TIFA: DUR! Fibre! Silly tart! It'll ease the constipation!
AERIS: DUR! Well, I've never needed to know until now! What's your excuse?
CLOUD: OK! ENOUGH OF THE BITCH FIGHTS! EVERYONE GET TO WORK! If you've not been assigned to anything, stay here and suck my cock! I don't care if yer a bitch, a man or a fucking animal! I'm horny and I need someone to suck mah dick!
AERIS: WHOA! CLOUD! I'VE GOT NO COMPLAINTS!
TIFA: Erm.me neither.
BARRET: I AIN'T SUCKING YER COCK, CLOUD! YOU owe ME a poke, remember? HERE YUFFIE! Here's ten dollars. SPREAD YER LEGS!
YUFFIE: YES! I LOVE YOU LONG TIME!
CLOUD: Great! TIFA AND AERIS! Let the spider fight commence!
BARRET & YUFFIE: AHH, AH, AHH, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
CLOUD: YES! I LOVE GIRL ON GIRL! Now! Lemme join in! WOO-HOO!
TIFA & AERIS: AAAAHH!! YESSSSSSS!!
Five hours later....
CLOUD: C'MON YOU SLUT!!!
TIFA: FUCK ME HARDER!!! FASTER!!!
AERIS: CLOUD! IT'S MY TURN! C'MON BITCH! SAY MY NAME, CLOUD! SAY MY NAME! WHO'S YER DADDY, CLOUD?! WHO'S YER DADDY?!!! C'MON YOU WHORE!
Another 5 hours later...
TIFA: I'm exhausted! I'm all shagged out!
AERIS: .Too painful to sit down.OWWIES!
CLOUD: WHOA, BOY! THIS IS THE LIFE!
YUFFIE: Ten dollar?
BARRET: Naa, Yuffie. I'm broke now!
YUFFIE: One dollar?
BARRET: I GOT NUTTIN BITCH! *SLAP*
The door opened.
RED XIII: What's going on?!.You alright, Yuffie?
YUFFIE: .Um.yeah.Red XIII?.10 dollar?
BARRET: DO YA EVER STOP WHORE?!! IF YER DON'T STOP YER YAPPIN' I'LL FREAKIN' KILL YA!!!!!
AERIS: RED XIII?!!.Hi.
RED XIII: *Ahem.* How.how are you doing?
AERIS: Um.good, I suppose.
CLOUD: GOOD?! She should be fucking ecstatic! 'Just fucked the living daylights outta her! Guess you know all about pleasing her don't cha, Red XIII?
TIFA: *Snicker* Oh, yeah! Aeris and Red XIII at Hojo's Lab, F.U.C.K.I.N.G.!!!
RED XIII: SHE TOLD YOU?!! Anyway.I WAS FORCED!
AERIS: LYING BASTARD! You wanted it as much as me! You were aroused too by the thought of being locked up together! You wanted me!
RED XIII: WOMAN, I WAS BORED FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I don't usually sleep with anyone or anything that comes my way unlike you!
AERIS: JESUS CHRIST YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT! You sleep around as much as Yuffie! You live up to your name as a DOG! I caught pubic lice because of your sexual promiscuity!
RED XIII: It was after the mating season! That's why you got it! It don't mean I sleep around!
AERIS: You're just a liar and a bad fuck!
RED XIII: YOU BITCH! RUFF! RUFF! TOLD THEM HAVE YOU?! RUFF! RUFF!
AERIS: PISS OFF! *RUFF!*
RED XIII: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I'M GONNA PISS MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER! Cloud tell me you didn't sleep with this bitch! SHE CAUGHT RABIES FROM ME!
CLOUD: UGH!
TIFA: YUCK! You rabid bitch! I'm gonna kick yer arse!
AERIS: `OW! STOP IT!
TIFA: YOU! DO! NOT! GIVE! SOMEONE! CUNNILINGUS! IF! YOU! ARE! CARRYING! DISEASES!
AERIS: COW! I THINK YOU'VE SPLIT MY HEAD OPEN!
TIFA: Use a Cure 3 spell then or better than that, DIE!
CLOUD: Ugh! To think I've been in you and you've been on me! 'Think I'll join Sephy and Kuja from now on! At least I know they're clean!
TIFA: NO!.Don't Cloud.I want.you.
BARRET: AT LAST SHE ACTUALLY TELLS HIM!
CLOUD: Heh. Come over here, Tifa, so I can play with your tits.
TIFA TO AERIS: HA!
They all sat down in a circle. Cloud put his hand up Tifa's top.
TIFA: Yeeeeaaaaaaahh.
CLOUD: Dreamy.
AERIS: I do not wish to converse with you, Red XIII, however.you know who has escaped from Gaya and is living here.
RED XIII: WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? When you say living here, what exactly do you mean?
AERIS: I mean, he's here in Junon, once our enemy, now helping us out.
RED XIII: HERE?! IN JUNON?!
AERIS: Well, not exactly. He's gone to Wal-Mart with Sephiroth.
RED XIII: Sephiroth is here as well?! I suppose he's helping us too! God, this is weird! And it gets more fucked up from here! CLOUD! Stop fondling Tifa! Everyone follow me to the bar down the street!
Everyone followed.
BARRET: Yo...There's a bad smell in here.YUFFIE, YOU TROD IN SUMTHIN'!?
YUFFIE: Eep! Nope!
Red XIII pointed towards the bar counter.
RED XIII: Let me introduce Doofus and the T.U.R.D.S.
Around the bar a pile of excrement barely resembling humans was huddled. They could barely prop themselves up against the bar counter due to the levels of intoxication in their blood (or is that poo?)
A carrot haired turd, (yes, it really was a lump of shit) approached them.
RENO: Hi, I believe we've met before.You can call me Ginger.
ELENA: ...Call me Baby.
TSENG: Just call me Posh.
RUDE: ...SCARY.
DOOFUS (FORMERLY RUFUS): And I'm just plain STOOPID...hAHahahA!! DUH! *bottom burps*
ELENA: SHADDUP, DOOFUS! You're bringing even MORE shame upon us, you retard!
TIFA: What happened to you guys? Why are you all a bunch of talking shits?
DOOFUS: Not me! I'm a man, see!?
RENO: PUT THAT THING AWAY! How many times do I havta tell you?! Besides, you're not a man, you're 27 with an intellect of a 3 year old!
DOOFUS: Yeah, well...Mommy said when I get big and strong, I will be the boss of Shin-Ra and...and...and...and I will take over the world!
ELENA: Put your teething ring back in yer mouth already!
AERIS: Fuck it! I've had enough! This is too surreal watching turds slag it out with the once powerful boss of Shin-Ra! I'm outta here! Catch ya later, guys!
Cloud: Tell me...What happened?
Tseng told Cloud and the others a long story about them being a little side- line project of Mojo Hojo's.
TSENG: So, you see now?
BARRET: Yeeeeeeeeeah...but why wasn't Rufus turned into a turd?
TSENG: Mojo Hojo forgot to crap on the other end of the transformation machine. He was too busy blazin' another joint and fiddling with some whore. Rufus got crossed with empty space...His brain got totally fried, man.
DOOFUS: ...MACHINE WENT WHIZZ! I WENT WHOA! BRAIN WENT...LAME.
BARRET: Hmph, never liked the guy when he was above the reading age of us. Think I like him better this way. He's less dangerous.
CLOUD: Guys? Why have you adopted Spice Girl names?
Rude walked up to Cloud and threatened him shaking his fist.
RUDE: NO ONE GIVES 2 SHITS 'BOUT THE SPICE GIRLS ANYMORE. THEY'RE HAS-BEENS AND WE CAN'T GIVE OUT OUR REAL NAMES. CAN'T LET NO ONE KNOW WE WERE THE GREAT T.U.R.K.S. COS NOW WE JES A LOAD OF SHIT BABYSITTING NUMB NUTS HERE!
CLOUD: HAHAHAHA!! I'm sorry...I just can't take you seriously shaking your fist looking like you do!! Hahaha...ha...sorry...I'll be serious and sympathetic now...hah...ha...ha...GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
ELENA: SHADDUP! And don't give us any of that 'you got what was coming to you' shit! I'm not in the mood right now!
CLOUD: Sorry, I shouldn't laugh but you've got to admit it - it is funny.
BARRET: Y'know, you're not the only guys to have been fucked around by the evil twins, Hojo Mojo and Mojo Hojo. They didn't get to me in time. Cloud an' the others were made to bang...
CLOUD: *wipes away a tear* Cockabo's...
ELENA: Ooooooh.. When I get my hands on those two, I'M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA THEM!
TSENG: Alright, Elena. That's enough. Very unprofessional.
ELENA: Yes, Sir.
CLOUD: The evil twins are not our concern at the moment. TURDS, have you seen the shit in the sky?
RENO: Yeah, some talkin' cockroach told us to stay indoors cos of it. Then the poor fucker got run over.
TSENG: Are you going to eliminate the giant shit? Then we will help you. We need to redeem our status as mighty warriors! Being turds ourselves, maybe we can use our turd powers to stop that thing.
CLOUD: Any help is greatly appreciated. As a token of my gratitude, I will someday, help you kill the evil twins as revenge for their twisted ways. Follow us. We're heading back to our temporary base, 'Final Fantasy?'.
TSENG: DOOFUS! Stop playing with your Barney toy! Elena, hold his hand when we cross the road, please.
Back at 'Final Fantasy?'.
*RIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGG!!! RIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!*
CLOUD: Hello? Ah, Cid, hi. Good. Ooooooh, Cid! Before you go, can you pick up some K Y jelly while you're out? Okay, thanks! See you in 10. Bye...Cid was just on the phone. He's moved the big arse using the Highwind over the Northern Crater already.
SEPHIROTH: *waving arms in the air* HI!! Gorgeous people ^_^ *shoots Aeris a look* and scabs....We're back!! ^_^
KUJA: We got a good discount on these baked beans, Cloud! ^_^
CLOUD: SHIT! There must be 1000 cans of the stuff!
SEPHIROTH: And we're gonna need it to clear that things bowels!
KUJA: (Looking coy and girlie) Are you going to tell him, Sephy, Dear?
SEPHIROTH: Cloud, darling. Kuja and I are going to have a baby.
BARRET: WHAT! HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?! TWO QUEERS CAN'T HAVE NO BABY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE INTELLIGENT TYPE, SEPHIROTH?!
SEPHIROTH: WELL, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE! Gaaaaaaaaaaah...We will visit the Nibelheim reactor, collect some data and Jenova genetic material, go to the Shinra Mansion, take sperm samples from Kuja and I, weed out any undesirable genes, mix the male genes together, put them in a test tube with Jenova's female cells, mix that up, put it in a turkey baster, shove that into Tifa and in 9 months, HEY PRESTO, we have baby Sephiroth Kuja Marc Allen jnr. ^_^
TIFA: WHY ME?!!! WHY DO I HAVE TA CARRY IT?
SEPHIROTH: Don't cry, Tifa. You should be honoured. We chose you because you're the most clean living and sensible of all of us.
TIFA: You mean I'm boring, don't you! Well, I won't do it! NOT FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD!
YUFFIE: ME DO IT! ME DO IT FOR TEN DOLLAR! ME GO CHEAP!
SEPHIROTH: PISS OFF, WHORE! WE DON'T WANT OUR BABY COMING OUT OF YOU, YOU DIRTY SCAB!
CLOUD: QUIET! IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY!
SEPHIROTH: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! DON'T EXERT YOUR AUTHORITY ON ME, PISSY PANTS!
CLOUD: SEPHIROTH! ENOUGH! DON'T MAKE ME FIGHT YOU! The world is fucked up enough already! We don't need another Sephiroth clone running around making things worse!
KUJA: Maybe he's right.
SEPHIROTH: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! COME HERE! YOU DESERVE A GOOD SLAPPING!
KUJA: PIPE DOWN, YOU TART! I ONLY AGREED SO THAT I COULD GET A QUICKIE OUT OF YOU AT THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION! OW! DON'T SLAP ME ON THE HEAD! I'M GONNA GET YOU! YOU BITCH! *SLAP! SLAP!*
SEPHIROTH: *SLAP*
KUJA: *SLAP! THUMP!*
SEPHIROTH: *SOBS* YOU WOMAN BEATER! MURDERER! DO YOU LIKE PICKING ON DEFENCELESS WOMEN?!
KUJA: YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN AND STOP BEING SO MELODRAMATIC!
CID: Fuckin' hey and all that! ^_^
CLOUD: Welcome back, Cid. Now we're all back together, let me introduce, Doofus and the T.U.R.D.S.
SEPHIROTH, KUJA & CID: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...o.0;;;;;
CID: ...............[long pause] Erm...Cloud, I was just thinking...I used the Highwind to anchor Big Butt in place. How do we get to the Northern Crater from here? We got nothing to cross the fecking ocean!
CLOUD: What do ya mean, you silly tart!!? How the HELL did you get back here!!??
CID: ...I dunno. o.0;
RENO: I knew we'd come in handy! ^_^ Being a turd, we'll float easily in the sea! We can escort you there on our backs!
CLOUD: Nice one!!! Great! ^_^ The plan's all set! EVERYONE!! Go out and enjoy yourselves tonight. If the plan fails, this could be our last day on his planet. So, please, enjoy yourselves.
SEPHIROTH: COOL! I heard the gay porno stars, "Che and Oliver" are in town!!!
KUJA: Oh, yay! They do a drag act too! ^_^;; OK...OK...hold it down boy...better calm down or I'll cream me pants.
CLOUD: Well, lets all go see that.
CID: See a bunch of poofs! Gah! Do me a favour! I'm stayin' in! And there ain't no way I'm missin' Dukes of Hazzard!
CLOUD: Fine. Whatever. There's noting else on in town unless you wanna go visit a whore and there's absolutely no need for that when we've already got two of 'em. Ain't that right, Yuffie and Aeris?
AERIS: Hey! Why is everyone always slagging me off!!?
YUFFIE: Hehehe!! ^_^ Yay! Me 10 dollar woman! Yay!
END OF CHAPTER 2
We had nothing to do with the making of F.F.7. This decrepit piece of 'work' is meant purely for non-profit entertainment purposes. Blah, blah, blah, blah. If YOU copy OUR IDEA we will KILL YOU. We have ways...we know people in HIGH places!!!! This page will self-destruct in 10 minutes...so GET READING BITCH!!!
Created by, Restamon, Hippiemon,..... oh and lazymon
Rated-R for the criminally insane
CHAPTER 2
The group went back into "FINAL FANTASY?"
TIFA: That was awfully considerate of you to care about the townspeople's well being, Cloud.
CLOUD: Oh, I didn't think about that. The author was just getting bored of that fuckin' massive cockroach idea so she got rid of him for good. He doesn't know that any minute now he's gonna get hit by a truck.
TIFA: Yeah, right. She wouldn't do that. That's like you're saying she killed my cockabo off intentionally.
JIMINY CRICKET: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! *SPLAT*
CLOUD: SEE?!!! I TOLD YA!!!
TIFA: _x
AERIS: Got a plan, Cloud?
CLOUD: One way or another that lump of shit is gonna come out - we can't do anything about that. We can't have that thing falling on a civilian area though.
BARRET: We need a dumping ground.
CLOUD: Hmm.
CID: What about that toilet bowl, The Northern Crater? No one lives up there!!!
CLOUD: YEAH! Cid, find a way to position that thing over the Northern Crater.
CID: YES, SIR! Lady Luck, don't fail me!
SEPHIROTH: Kuja and I will stock up on baked beans at Wal-mart.
AERIS: Why? I don't understand.
TIFA: DUR! Fibre! Silly tart! It'll ease the constipation!
AERIS: DUR! Well, I've never needed to know until now! What's your excuse?
CLOUD: OK! ENOUGH OF THE BITCH FIGHTS! EVERYONE GET TO WORK! If you've not been assigned to anything, stay here and suck my cock! I don't care if yer a bitch, a man or a fucking animal! I'm horny and I need someone to suck mah dick!
AERIS: WHOA! CLOUD! I'VE GOT NO COMPLAINTS!
TIFA: Erm.me neither.
BARRET: I AIN'T SUCKING YER COCK, CLOUD! YOU owe ME a poke, remember? HERE YUFFIE! Here's ten dollars. SPREAD YER LEGS!
YUFFIE: YES! I LOVE YOU LONG TIME!
CLOUD: Great! TIFA AND AERIS! Let the spider fight commence!
BARRET & YUFFIE: AHH, AH, AHH, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
CLOUD: YES! I LOVE GIRL ON GIRL! Now! Lemme join in! WOO-HOO!
TIFA & AERIS: AAAAHH!! YESSSSSSS!!
Five hours later....
CLOUD: C'MON YOU SLUT!!!
TIFA: FUCK ME HARDER!!! FASTER!!!
AERIS: CLOUD! IT'S MY TURN! C'MON BITCH! SAY MY NAME, CLOUD! SAY MY NAME! WHO'S YER DADDY, CLOUD?! WHO'S YER DADDY?!!! C'MON YOU WHORE!
Another 5 hours later...
TIFA: I'm exhausted! I'm all shagged out!
AERIS: .Too painful to sit down.OWWIES!
CLOUD: WHOA, BOY! THIS IS THE LIFE!
YUFFIE: Ten dollar?
BARRET: Naa, Yuffie. I'm broke now!
YUFFIE: One dollar?
BARRET: I GOT NUTTIN BITCH! *SLAP*
The door opened.
RED XIII: What's going on?!.You alright, Yuffie?
YUFFIE: .Um.yeah.Red XIII?.10 dollar?
BARRET: DO YA EVER STOP WHORE?!! IF YER DON'T STOP YER YAPPIN' I'LL FREAKIN' KILL YA!!!!!
AERIS: RED XIII?!!.Hi.
RED XIII: *Ahem.* How.how are you doing?
AERIS: Um.good, I suppose.
CLOUD: GOOD?! She should be fucking ecstatic! 'Just fucked the living daylights outta her! Guess you know all about pleasing her don't cha, Red XIII?
TIFA: *Snicker* Oh, yeah! Aeris and Red XIII at Hojo's Lab, F.U.C.K.I.N.G.!!!
RED XIII: SHE TOLD YOU?!! Anyway.I WAS FORCED!
AERIS: LYING BASTARD! You wanted it as much as me! You were aroused too by the thought of being locked up together! You wanted me!
RED XIII: WOMAN, I WAS BORED FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I don't usually sleep with anyone or anything that comes my way unlike you!
AERIS: JESUS CHRIST YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT! You sleep around as much as Yuffie! You live up to your name as a DOG! I caught pubic lice because of your sexual promiscuity!
RED XIII: It was after the mating season! That's why you got it! It don't mean I sleep around!
AERIS: You're just a liar and a bad fuck!
RED XIII: YOU BITCH! RUFF! RUFF! TOLD THEM HAVE YOU?! RUFF! RUFF!
AERIS: PISS OFF! *RUFF!*
RED XIII: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I'M GONNA PISS MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER! Cloud tell me you didn't sleep with this bitch! SHE CAUGHT RABIES FROM ME!
CLOUD: UGH!
TIFA: YUCK! You rabid bitch! I'm gonna kick yer arse!
AERIS: `OW! STOP IT!
TIFA: YOU! DO! NOT! GIVE! SOMEONE! CUNNILINGUS! IF! YOU! ARE! CARRYING! DISEASES!
AERIS: COW! I THINK YOU'VE SPLIT MY HEAD OPEN!
TIFA: Use a Cure 3 spell then or better than that, DIE!
CLOUD: Ugh! To think I've been in you and you've been on me! 'Think I'll join Sephy and Kuja from now on! At least I know they're clean!
TIFA: NO!.Don't Cloud.I want.you.
BARRET: AT LAST SHE ACTUALLY TELLS HIM!
CLOUD: Heh. Come over here, Tifa, so I can play with your tits.
TIFA TO AERIS: HA!
They all sat down in a circle. Cloud put his hand up Tifa's top.
TIFA: Yeeeeaaaaaaahh.
CLOUD: Dreamy.
AERIS: I do not wish to converse with you, Red XIII, however.you know who has escaped from Gaya and is living here.
RED XIII: WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? When you say living here, what exactly do you mean?
AERIS: I mean, he's here in Junon, once our enemy, now helping us out.
RED XIII: HERE?! IN JUNON?!
AERIS: Well, not exactly. He's gone to Wal-Mart with Sephiroth.
RED XIII: Sephiroth is here as well?! I suppose he's helping us too! God, this is weird! And it gets more fucked up from here! CLOUD! Stop fondling Tifa! Everyone follow me to the bar down the street!
Everyone followed.
BARRET: Yo...There's a bad smell in here.YUFFIE, YOU TROD IN SUMTHIN'!?
YUFFIE: Eep! Nope!
Red XIII pointed towards the bar counter.
RED XIII: Let me introduce Doofus and the T.U.R.D.S.
Around the bar a pile of excrement barely resembling humans was huddled. They could barely prop themselves up against the bar counter due to the levels of intoxication in their blood (or is that poo?)
A carrot haired turd, (yes, it really was a lump of shit) approached them.
RENO: Hi, I believe we've met before.You can call me Ginger.
ELENA: ...Call me Baby.
TSENG: Just call me Posh.
RUDE: ...SCARY.
DOOFUS (FORMERLY RUFUS): And I'm just plain STOOPID...hAHahahA!! DUH! *bottom burps*
ELENA: SHADDUP, DOOFUS! You're bringing even MORE shame upon us, you retard!
TIFA: What happened to you guys? Why are you all a bunch of talking shits?
DOOFUS: Not me! I'm a man, see!?
RENO: PUT THAT THING AWAY! How many times do I havta tell you?! Besides, you're not a man, you're 27 with an intellect of a 3 year old!
DOOFUS: Yeah, well...Mommy said when I get big and strong, I will be the boss of Shin-Ra and...and...and...and I will take over the world!
ELENA: Put your teething ring back in yer mouth already!
AERIS: Fuck it! I've had enough! This is too surreal watching turds slag it out with the once powerful boss of Shin-Ra! I'm outta here! Catch ya later, guys!
Cloud: Tell me...What happened?
Tseng told Cloud and the others a long story about them being a little side- line project of Mojo Hojo's.
TSENG: So, you see now?
BARRET: Yeeeeeeeeeah...but why wasn't Rufus turned into a turd?
TSENG: Mojo Hojo forgot to crap on the other end of the transformation machine. He was too busy blazin' another joint and fiddling with some whore. Rufus got crossed with empty space...His brain got totally fried, man.
DOOFUS: ...MACHINE WENT WHIZZ! I WENT WHOA! BRAIN WENT...LAME.
BARRET: Hmph, never liked the guy when he was above the reading age of us. Think I like him better this way. He's less dangerous.
CLOUD: Guys? Why have you adopted Spice Girl names?
Rude walked up to Cloud and threatened him shaking his fist.
RUDE: NO ONE GIVES 2 SHITS 'BOUT THE SPICE GIRLS ANYMORE. THEY'RE HAS-BEENS AND WE CAN'T GIVE OUT OUR REAL NAMES. CAN'T LET NO ONE KNOW WE WERE THE GREAT T.U.R.K.S. COS NOW WE JES A LOAD OF SHIT BABYSITTING NUMB NUTS HERE!
CLOUD: HAHAHAHA!! I'm sorry...I just can't take you seriously shaking your fist looking like you do!! Hahaha...ha...sorry...I'll be serious and sympathetic now...hah...ha...ha...GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
ELENA: SHADDUP! And don't give us any of that 'you got what was coming to you' shit! I'm not in the mood right now!
CLOUD: Sorry, I shouldn't laugh but you've got to admit it - it is funny.
BARRET: Y'know, you're not the only guys to have been fucked around by the evil twins, Hojo Mojo and Mojo Hojo. They didn't get to me in time. Cloud an' the others were made to bang...
CLOUD: *wipes away a tear* Cockabo's...
ELENA: Ooooooh.. When I get my hands on those two, I'M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA THEM!
TSENG: Alright, Elena. That's enough. Very unprofessional.
ELENA: Yes, Sir.
CLOUD: The evil twins are not our concern at the moment. TURDS, have you seen the shit in the sky?
RENO: Yeah, some talkin' cockroach told us to stay indoors cos of it. Then the poor fucker got run over.
TSENG: Are you going to eliminate the giant shit? Then we will help you. We need to redeem our status as mighty warriors! Being turds ourselves, maybe we can use our turd powers to stop that thing.
CLOUD: Any help is greatly appreciated. As a token of my gratitude, I will someday, help you kill the evil twins as revenge for their twisted ways. Follow us. We're heading back to our temporary base, 'Final Fantasy?'.
TSENG: DOOFUS! Stop playing with your Barney toy! Elena, hold his hand when we cross the road, please.
Back at 'Final Fantasy?'.
*RIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGG!!! RIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!*
CLOUD: Hello? Ah, Cid, hi. Good. Ooooooh, Cid! Before you go, can you pick up some K Y jelly while you're out? Okay, thanks! See you in 10. Bye...Cid was just on the phone. He's moved the big arse using the Highwind over the Northern Crater already.
SEPHIROTH: *waving arms in the air* HI!! Gorgeous people ^_^ *shoots Aeris a look* and scabs....We're back!! ^_^
KUJA: We got a good discount on these baked beans, Cloud! ^_^
CLOUD: SHIT! There must be 1000 cans of the stuff!
SEPHIROTH: And we're gonna need it to clear that things bowels!
KUJA: (Looking coy and girlie) Are you going to tell him, Sephy, Dear?
SEPHIROTH: Cloud, darling. Kuja and I are going to have a baby.
BARRET: WHAT! HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?! TWO QUEERS CAN'T HAVE NO BABY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE INTELLIGENT TYPE, SEPHIROTH?!
SEPHIROTH: WELL, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE! Gaaaaaaaaaaah...We will visit the Nibelheim reactor, collect some data and Jenova genetic material, go to the Shinra Mansion, take sperm samples from Kuja and I, weed out any undesirable genes, mix the male genes together, put them in a test tube with Jenova's female cells, mix that up, put it in a turkey baster, shove that into Tifa and in 9 months, HEY PRESTO, we have baby Sephiroth Kuja Marc Allen jnr. ^_^
TIFA: WHY ME?!!! WHY DO I HAVE TA CARRY IT?
SEPHIROTH: Don't cry, Tifa. You should be honoured. We chose you because you're the most clean living and sensible of all of us.
TIFA: You mean I'm boring, don't you! Well, I won't do it! NOT FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD!
YUFFIE: ME DO IT! ME DO IT FOR TEN DOLLAR! ME GO CHEAP!
SEPHIROTH: PISS OFF, WHORE! WE DON'T WANT OUR BABY COMING OUT OF YOU, YOU DIRTY SCAB!
CLOUD: QUIET! IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY!
SEPHIROTH: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! DON'T EXERT YOUR AUTHORITY ON ME, PISSY PANTS!
CLOUD: SEPHIROTH! ENOUGH! DON'T MAKE ME FIGHT YOU! The world is fucked up enough already! We don't need another Sephiroth clone running around making things worse!
KUJA: Maybe he's right.
SEPHIROTH: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! COME HERE! YOU DESERVE A GOOD SLAPPING!
KUJA: PIPE DOWN, YOU TART! I ONLY AGREED SO THAT I COULD GET A QUICKIE OUT OF YOU AT THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION! OW! DON'T SLAP ME ON THE HEAD! I'M GONNA GET YOU! YOU BITCH! *SLAP! SLAP!*
SEPHIROTH: *SLAP*
KUJA: *SLAP! THUMP!*
SEPHIROTH: *SOBS* YOU WOMAN BEATER! MURDERER! DO YOU LIKE PICKING ON DEFENCELESS WOMEN?!
KUJA: YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN AND STOP BEING SO MELODRAMATIC!
CID: Fuckin' hey and all that! ^_^
CLOUD: Welcome back, Cid. Now we're all back together, let me introduce, Doofus and the T.U.R.D.S.
SEPHIROTH, KUJA & CID: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...o.0;;;;;
CID: ...............[long pause] Erm...Cloud, I was just thinking...I used the Highwind to anchor Big Butt in place. How do we get to the Northern Crater from here? We got nothing to cross the fecking ocean!
CLOUD: What do ya mean, you silly tart!!? How the HELL did you get back here!!??
CID: ...I dunno. o.0;
RENO: I knew we'd come in handy! ^_^ Being a turd, we'll float easily in the sea! We can escort you there on our backs!
CLOUD: Nice one!!! Great! ^_^ The plan's all set! EVERYONE!! Go out and enjoy yourselves tonight. If the plan fails, this could be our last day on his planet. So, please, enjoy yourselves.
SEPHIROTH: COOL! I heard the gay porno stars, "Che and Oliver" are in town!!!
KUJA: Oh, yay! They do a drag act too! ^_^;; OK...OK...hold it down boy...better calm down or I'll cream me pants.
CLOUD: Well, lets all go see that.
CID: See a bunch of poofs! Gah! Do me a favour! I'm stayin' in! And there ain't no way I'm missin' Dukes of Hazzard!
CLOUD: Fine. Whatever. There's noting else on in town unless you wanna go visit a whore and there's absolutely no need for that when we've already got two of 'em. Ain't that right, Yuffie and Aeris?
AERIS: Hey! Why is everyone always slagging me off!!?
YUFFIE: Hehehe!! ^_^ Yay! Me 10 dollar woman! Yay!
END OF CHAPTER 2